Understanding, or, When Things Suddenly Fall Into Place

The Godfather is one of my biggest fans (he has to be...its in the job description) but even he couldn't contain his laughter when we were chatting earlier about Skegness (goodness knows why!) & I shared with him part of The Epic Tale Of Our Journey In The Big Red Machine. That tale in its entirety is to be kept for another time, but suffice to say, the bit he found amusing was where I had to be taught where Skegness was. When I was on my way there. Yes. Apparently its nowhere near Blackpool. In my defence, Geography has never been my strong point...

In an attempt to curb his laughter, I shared a few other examples of my slowness in understanding, in the hope that he would see that its a) not my fault I'm a bit dim and b) that its not that funny. Turns out a) it may or may not be my fault I'm a bit dim but that b) it certainly is that funny. So what if I grew up in a Christian home on a healthy diet of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and it still took me 22 years to work out why its always winter and never Christmas?! Or that the phrase "no room to swing a cat" doesn't actually refer to felines?! Or being on the London Eye and realising (i.e. being told) that the pods rotate so they stay upright rather than going upside down at the top. Or...I think I might stop now**.

I had another such moment where everything falls into place this morning when I was reading. I have to admit, I've fallen prey to popularist culture (I know, so very rare for me!), and yesterday picked up a copy of The Shack, which is the latest Christian fad in popular literature. When it comes to "Christian novels" I am all sorts of a skeptic, and have resisted thus far, but I was bored, and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I'm only about halfway through and have yet to lose my skepticism. I did almost waver and give in this morning though when I read the following lines,

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within
their ability to fly, not the other way round...You, on the other hand, were created
to be loved. So for you, to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the
other way round....Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its
ability to fly" The Shack by WM Paul Young

I know everyone blathers on about no-one loving you unless you love yourself, but I genuinely believe that unless you are loved, unless you experience what it is to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed, you can't fully understand what love is. And when you have it, everything does fall in to place and you realise that you can fly. Not that you ever couldn't, it just helps when you have someone believing in you.

Love, etc.
xx

** OK, so the London Eye thing was a bit dim, but the rest of them still stand.

Normal

If you've ever spent any length of time with my family, you'll know that the phrase "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps" could have been written about our household. Its a running joke that none of us have emerged to join the real world "normal," for after all, what is normal?? ** All jokes aside though, I was thinking about this the other night - what is normal?? Normal is sitting on the sofa Facebooking while The Drummer watches Top Gear. Normal is coffee in Neros and seeing half of St Johns walk past the window. Normal is Sunday night in the pub with the gang.

But normal is also walking in through the front door to the comforting smell of "home," normal is my own space and all my stuff around me, normal is Thursday Coffee with The Godfather. What is normal??

Egham is normal. Petersfield is normal. And spending so much time in both recently has just made me realise how special normal can be. Life will never be entirely normal while I split my life between two counties, but I'm detemined to enjoy the normalcy in amongst the madness.

Love, etc.
xx

** I would like to clarify that I am, in fact, the most normal of all of us. Yes.

Habits

I was having a chat with my Littlest One the other night about habits and why they're so hard to break. I've got to be honest...I am probably THE worst person to talk to about changing habits - I am appallingly bad at changing the way I think about things, even if it would be much better for me to do so. This personality trait leads to the infuriation of my friends (at best) and large amounts of hurt for me (at worst) but it is, even so, a habit in and of itself I suppose.

Its easy to talk about things with my Littlest One because she really is like the other half of my brain to the extent that her brain can unscramble what my brain is trying to say (and quite often say it back to me in a way that actually makes sense) so when she was met with the comment "it might be a bit broken but at least it definitely still functions so why try and fix it" she knew what I was trying to say - often we don't change our habits because we don't want to *quite* enough. It doesn't hurt *quite* enough to force us through the process of change...it won't benefit us *quite* enough to warrant the effort...its not *quite* what we really want to do, even if its right. And we all do it. And we all suffer. And most of us never learn. And even if we do learn, we never learn *quite* enough and, oh. We're back there again.

Sometimes, however, there is incentive enough to overcome that barrier, and in my experience, its sadly only either extreme pain to ourselves or to those we care about that can make the change. Our worst enemies when it comes to changing our thoughts and habits are our own brains, and it takes a LOT to change how they're wired. For example, when I had Glandular Fever (mono for all you Yanks) I got depression and a wierdy death complex that prevented me from ever being alone (including at night) or I started having panic attacks. This, at the age of 17, was significantly NOT. COOL. I had school counselling. I had church counselling. I had peer counselling (of a VERY rough and ready variety) but nothing worked until one day out of desperation, I chose to rewrite my brain. I wore, for 3 or 4 months, a hair elastic round my wrist - one of the ones with the little metal bit on it - and pinged it against myself every time I started to panic. Believe me, it HURTS (if you don't believe me, go try it. Not fun) and eventually it worked. My brain started to associate its irrational thoughts about death with that pain, and eventually it changed the way it thought. The pain was enough to overcome the habit.

A more recent (and slightly happier) example is The Drummer quitting smoking (for which I am SO SO proud of him for doing) He gave up, full on cold-turkey on New Years Day and for 15 days didn't touch a cigarette. A minor indescretion occurred the night before we got together that ended up in a few cigarettes being smoked. Bean will testify that I lost the plot. Tears were very nearly shed. I was so disappointed for him because he'd done so well BUT the knowledge of how upset it made me means he hasn't smoked since (possibly also the COMPLETE certainity he has of not gettting kisses if he tastes like an ash-tray) Jokes aside, he knows how much it upsets me, and that's helped him overcome the habit. To the extent where, when I said if he ended up smoking with the boys in Canada, that would be ok as long as he didn't come back and not be able to stop again, he said he still wouldn't (yes, he's amazing. I know) (and all mine)

Those were genuinely the only examples that came to mind for reasons for having changed habits which is a bit sad. Plenty more examples came for people who want to change because they're hurting other people - why why WHY does it come to this before we find the incentive for change??

I can answer my own question there - because its so darn hard. And it is. It really really is, even when it comes to the good stuff - I know people who have struggled so so much with the concept of God loving them enough to forgive them anything they've repented of...I know people who struggle to accept the love of their other half, even when everyone else around them can see it a mile off. I'm totally guilty of that one myself - its a constant surprise that The Drummer misses me/cares about me/wants to be with me as I do him, and I totally put that down to damage caused by previous habits I could never quite change - that's my incentive to change how I think about myself: the damage caused to my heart and my thoughts by my old habits could seriously jeopardise the present (and that would really REALLY suck, because I kinda like this one!)

You've got to look around and see who else is hurting too. Hurting FOR you, because you don't hurt enough for yourself. And you have to also believe you're worth the change, because those people believe it of you, but that's not quite enough. The change, ultimately, comes from you. Because you ARE quite enough. You have quite enough in you to do it.

And even if you don't always believe in yourself, He does. Always has done, and always will.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12v9

Love, etc.
xx

A New Perspective

“Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life. He has put the vision in you — proceed. To wait, to wonder, to doubt. To be indecisive is to disobey God.” Andy Andrews

I came across this this morning, courtesy of Little Miss. I have to be honest, I've never ever thought about it all like this before. And I think Mr Andrews might be right. If I think about it, without God (via St Johns) (and associated opportunities), there'd be no knowledge of sound engineering, let alone such a passion for it. So why do I doubt that there's a long-term plan involving it??

Enough waiting. Enough wondering. Enough doubt. Time to DO (and that goes for the rest of you too...its not just me getting my butt into gear...come join me)

Love, etc.
xx

Converted

I am, at heart, a cynic. About a lot of things. And Valentines Day is definitely one of them. I'm well up there with the best of them - why should there be just one day of the year when your other half is reminded by every shop they go in how much they love you/how lucky they are to have you/what you mean to them. Oh, and that they NEED to be reminded of that?! No thanks.

But.

After yesterday, I am forever converted. As most of you bloggers/tweeps know, The Drummer is snowboarding in Canada right now (something to do with it having been booked months before we got together when he was still pretty sure I wasn't going to go out with him) (long story to be shared another time) (if he lets me) so I knew that I wasn't even going to be able to talk to him let alone see him and spend Valentines Day with him. It was still the best. one. ever. I thought 2 years ago when I got a Lego rose from my sister that that was pretty cool, but no. On Sat
urday, I was woken by Interflora delivering these:

For a cynic, I was very very tearfully happy.

Yay, real flowers from my boy for Valentines Day :) But not just that. Not even mostly that (although they are STUNNING and keep making me smile everytime I walk in my room) For the record (and those not in the know), tulips are my favourite flowers, and pink/purple are my favourite colors. I have friends of many years who couldn't tell you that, but The Drummer (after just 1 month!!) got it spot on. It wasn't the gesture that converted me - it was his knowledge of me and his desire to show how much he cares about me by getting it right for *me*

Maybe Valentines Day isn't about subscribing to commercialism, its not about gifts, but is a day of the year set aside in our hectically busy lives to remind people to tell their other halves how they feel. Its not actually just one day out of 365 - you can be sure that the memories of this our first Valentines Day will last much longer than the flowers and chocolates - even from the other side of the Atlantic, he made me feel like a Princess. And that, as far as I'm concerned, is worth all the commercialism. If he's not careful, I'm going to fall in love with him.

Love, etc.
xx

I'm right here...

I'll be honest - I wasn't paying attention to the sermon this morning. I had a million and one things flying through my (very sleepy) brain and I just couldn't persuade my brain to pay attention to a sermon based on a reading from Job.

I did manage, however, to listen to his last example, which I assume summed up his whole sermon in 2 minutes (seriously...why do preachers do that?!) It was basically a story which ran as follows:

There was once this rehearsal of Hadyn's oratorio "The Creation" where the conductor decided that having the actor singing the part of God would do better singing from one of the balconies to give the effect of a voice from the heavens. By the time he'd trekked around back stage along corridors and up and down stairs to get to said balcony and realise that he couldn't see the conductor nor hear the orchestra properly, the rehearsal was running late and they pressed on. Eventually, he was so out of time and missing so many cues that the conductor was beginning to lose patience, "God? Where are you?" "What is the hold up God?" "GOD...WHY ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR CUE?" and the like. Much to the amusement of all who were watching the rehearsal. The actor decided eventually that enough was enough and traipsed all the way back down, through backstage and round back out in to the auditorium just as the conductor finally lost the plot... "GOD?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?!? WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?!? ARE YOU EVEN THERE?!?!" and the actor playing God stepped forward, put his hand on the conductors arm, saying "I'm right here"

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out what his point was by telling that story (apart from diva-esque nature of most conductors...) but maybe its something that we could do with being reminded of now and again. Sometimes He's not as far away as you might think.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. And before you all get concerned about the million and one things flying through my brain, once I've organised a few of them into coherent thoughts, I'll blog again. Worry not my loves, all is well. I promise.
xx

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

One of the things I try and make sure I'm thankful for while I'm unemployed is my time. Just 2 months ago I was so busy I could barely tell which way was up most days and now I literally have all the time in the world. A coffee date here, dinner there, occasional visit to Egham & the like - I am very much my own boss (and starting to like the cooking/ironing/scrapbooking/sewing/card-making a concerningly large tradtional-housewife-esquely amount) (not that that's a bad thing - I'm very much looking forward to it one day, just not yet!)

What I struggle with, I guess, is the waiting. I was reminded by this beautiful lady that everything happens in His perfect time, which is often subtly (or even majorly) different to ours. Or even to our perception of His time. I'm more guilty than most of this I think, as I like to look at my life and go, "well, I'm here. Listening. Waiting. Go for it...as long as I don't have to do X, Y or Z and don't have to leave Egham" I forced myself over that barrier by leaving Egham through my own choice, but am still struggling to relinquish X, Y and Z and just wait and see what He wants. I can't imagine that I'm not meant to work with orchestras and in Sound Engineering - He did, after all, bless me with those talents and skills and desires - but the big answer as to how and when has yet to appear. There are, however, enough pointers to show me that I am doing the right thing to (try and) wait and see.

Its hard, while you're doing that, not to wish. Or, at least, not to become regretful & full of if onlys. Its hard not to wish I'd done a different degree that would make applying for jobs easier, its really hard not to wish I was still in Egham & its nigh on impossible to not look back at some of the jobs I've applied for and really regret that I didn't get them BUT to have those wishes fulfilled would have meant not being at RoHo, which would mean no St Johns, which would mean no RJ, no Sound Man and no Mr Skins, which would equal no training which means I would never have realised how much I love Sound Engineering. Still being in Egham would mean no shiny new exciting relationship with The Drummer (yeah, I get the irony on that one...ask me about it sometime...too long to explain now) And having got one of those jobs would mean that the perfect job He has for me would have been missed and overlooked.

I'm not saying don't dream dreams - sometimes its just the best thing to sit and think and dream - just don't miss the world and all the opportunities around you at the same time. And never say never to God**

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Don't suggest that now is the time to be aforementioned tradtional housewife. I (and The Drummer) will get far too scared and probably run away :p

** This is also a blog topic all of its own. To be saved for a future special occasion, as befits the topic.

Incase you've forgotten...

Do you ever have those days where you get a gentle reminder that encourages you beyond belief?? Most of the time, God has to literally kick my butt to get me to realise things, but since coming home, its been gentler and more subtle (I am more than willing to put that down to a change in my attitude, both over seeking & listening and in being more receptive to the answers to said seeking & listening)

My biggest biggest problem with leaving Egham was leaving St Johns...I'd never really done the whole God thing properly anywhere else, and was kinda scared that it wouldn't happen anywhere but there. God's been pretty consistent in reminding me that He lives elsewhere other than just St Johns...the sermons I've heard at my parents church have been amazing, and despite their style of worship being just about the furthest from my preferred style/comfort zone that its possible to be, my first Sunday there we sang the shining streets of glory song (a gang CLASSIC) and last week, In Christ Alone.

After an amazing day with The Drummer yesterday, I was in a bit (quite a lot) of a missing Egham grump this morning, and really only went to church because it was easier to go than explain to my parents why I didn't want to. Instead of leaving me in that grump (as I *so* deserved to have been left) God chose to bless me with THREE reminders that I'd done the right thing. Such very very simple things - a particular song, the message of the kids talk and a sermon based on 2 Corinthians 12v9, which is my all time favourite Bible verse - but just reminders that He is very much there with me and for me, regardless of where in the country I happen to be.

Its the simple things that are the best really...I can never understand why we make life so difficult for ourselves!!

Love, etc.
xx

Coffee & Chat (part 4)

"Never let anyone come to you without coming away better and happier"Mother Theresa

I've never spent much time studying the writings of Mother Theresa, but I reckon on that one she had it about right.

I was blessed this afternoon with an hour with The Godfather...he's a busy busy boy at the moment, so I decided to bless him simply with a Costa Coffee and thus also the pleasure of my company for an hour (I couldn't honestly say which one he saw as more of a blessing...) His smile when he saw his "proper" coffee made me smile in turn, and then the fact that he devoted an hour of his time to just hanging out chatting made my day. He has such a fresh perspective on just about everything as well as being the most patient and least judgemental person I know.

I decided while I was walking home that that was my challenge...not only to foster the same relationship with my god-daughters as I have with him, but just in general...I want to be able to contribute something to people when they come to me, whether its a shoulder to cry on, laughs & fun times or advice...even if its little things like commenting on other blogs & encouraging people to keep on with exactly what they're doing...I want to help and love others like I get helped and loved.

What about you?

Love, etc.
xx

Nostalgia, or, That Was The Roman Adventure That Was...

Today I *finally* finished my Rome scrapbook. Started in HUGE eagerness the week I got back from Rome, today I finished it. TWO YEARS AND A HALF YEARS LATER. No jokes. Not that I've been creatively slack in that time...no no no. I've done a set of three Flower Fairies cross-stitch pictures, made *that* wedding scrapbook, hand sewn Christmas cards for my nearest & dearest, done two mini-scrapbooks for birthdays, made numerous hand-made cards for birthdays & weddings and made about a MILLION batches of brownies. But today...today was scrapbook time again.

I have no idea why I suddenly felt such a desire to finish it, but I've just had the best day flicking through what I'd already done and all the photos I still had to sort out. Rome was one of the funnest weeks I've ever had, and definitely up there with TOP holidays. Even now, whenever its on TV, I still do the whole "I've been there...and there...and there...and did you know..." A love affair began with that city, and its one I intend to nurture and revive throughout my life!!

FEET!! (flip-flops + Roman streets = whoops!)
(extra points if you can identify us from our feet...)

The photos brought back so many memories (if not first and foremost just HOW many pictures the three of us took!! Seriously. Many.) ...the truly Italian policeman who asked us (all three of us) out just because we'd asked him for directions...the SUNTANS (from the girl who never tans...this was exciting!)...the foot-spa bath & breakfast terrace of THE most beautiful hotel...the two pizzas split three ways daily (for two days before we got hungry enough to eat a whole one each)...the ice-creams (also a daily occurrance) and all those sights you see on tv & can't quite believe you're standing in front of.

Give three girls an ice-cream and a camera...

There were also the things that were never caught on camera...three wardrobes mixed together...pillow...numbering off...the proposal at the Trevi that we were watching and worked out was going to happen a good 3 or 4 minutes before the bride-to-be did (bless)...the actual bride and groom that we saw having their photos done at the fountain...the pennies thrown in to make sure we all go back one day...the sunsets over St Peters.

The Three Goddesses

So many memories from just one week caught forever on camera & in my mind...days like today I love scrapbooking!!

Love, etc.
xx

A Pollyanna Day

Yesterday, I *may* have written a slightly (very) rant-y post about how everything was going wrong. Today, feeling slightly different, and after a metaphorical kick up the backside at church this morning, my post will read somewhat differently.

Today...

Today I'm bored of being unemployed Today I'm realising how much fun I can have relaxing with my free time, reading all the books I want & spending time chatting to people I'm normally too busy to catch up with.

Today I hate the fact that I'm utterly broke and living with my parents. I hate that I've reverted to the level of independence and self-sufficiency I had when I was 16 Today I've remembered just how lucky I am that my parents have taken me back in and provide me with rent-free living with unlimited hot water and internet...

Today I hate the fact that Dad is ill all the time and feels the need to take it out on me and Mum when all we're trying to do is help. I hate that they can't work out what's wrong with him and that we have to carry on as if everything is normal This is harder, but even so, I can still be glad that we have private health insurance through his work and thus have his neuro consults this week instead of in 3 months. It helps me to remember that its a good job I'm here to help mum, especially when she's so busy at work at the moment herself.

Today I hate the fact my best friends are spread around the world and I can't go to them and have a hug I also need to remember that we're blessed with amazing technologies that mean I can talk to any of them whenever and wherever I feel the need, and most of the time can hear their voice or see them on webcam too. As my Littlest One proved to me yesterday, the thoughts and love and intentions behind a virtual hug can help almost as much as the real thing.

Today I hate the way that every conversation with Jim at the moment ends up with me moaning to him What I should really be saying here is how lucky I am that I have someone who will always pick up the phone/respond to my txts & spend hours with me on MSN just to make sure I'm smiling & goes out of his way to cheer me up when he discovers that I'm not.

I hate the fact that my so-called best friend walked out on me for making what has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made This is the hardest, and I'm not sure that I truly believe it myself yet, but all I can do here is be thankful for the four years that we have had & all the fun times we had during them. It makes me sad that she was there for every minute of my worst times, but now is missing me at my best, but there's not a lot I can do about that apart from not let it make me bitter and angry.

Today, I hate the fact that my driving lessons are so dependent on my parents & that I have no independence as a result This is potentially the most obvious and brattish of them all in that barely anyone else I know has parents that are paying for their entire course of driving lessons, permits and tests. And insurance on a car to practice in. Lucky lucky lucky. Just a bit of a spoilt brat at times to remember it.

Today I hate the fact that I'm not in Egham with all my friends I've been blessed to have two homes where I'm equally loved and welcomed. And so SO lucky to have so many friends willing to share spare rooms/sofas/floors when I want to come back and visit.

So yes. A Pollyanna Day...wherever you look, there's got to be a silvery lining somewhere. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of searching.

Love, etc.
xx

Just for giggles...Random Letter Meme

With thanks to Blue Eyes viaTurquoise Ribbons, basically you get a random letter and blog about ten things you love that begin with that letter. Then when people comment the blog, you assign them a letter and so the meme continues with lots of different letters, lots of different loves and on lots of different blogs.

I would like to argue that Miss Blue Eyes did not, in fact, assign me a random letter when she chose to give me the letter J, but there we go. I shall do my best not to disappoint :p

1. St Johns My uni church that has become so much more than just a place to go on a Sunday morning. Because of St Johns and everyone in it, I now consider Egham my home (still, even though I'm living away at the moment) and still consider St Johns to be my church.
2. Josie & Jonah & all the other kids that I babysit for and fulfil the general purpose in my life of making me feel loved and making me smile whenever I see them :)
3. Jesus clearly a standard response to the most important things in my life, but really. My faith has given me much much more than just my salvation (see St Johns above! :p) It also means I have to do silly things like leave Egham to follow my calling, but even then, the benefits far outweigh the negatives.
4. The Jacks who deserve a category all of their own, despite their little monkeys having been mentioned already. Mumma Gingy was my original Uni Mum, and has never failed me yet, despite some truly spectacular tradges. She never tires of giving me the same advice (well, she may, but she still gives it and still loves me for all of my idiocy!!) and gives the best mumma hugs :) RJ could easily have his own category, but for the sake of ease (and lessening his embarassment) I figured he could share :p RJ was the first person to let me shadow him...the ensuing 2 years and my determination to make it as a Sound Engineer are all down to him saying yes that first time I asked if I could help rig, so nicely done RJ...its all your fault :p (Obviously I mainly mention him to say thankyou and give him a little message of affirmation and respect, in case that wasn't clear enough!)
5. Jim The one you were all waiting for!! I'm not going to embarass him (much) other than to say I've been blessed with a very very lovely boy who treats me like a princess and makes me feel very special :) He is one of the hardest things about being away from Egham, and is my best reason to go back :)

Now, after a small debate with Miss Blue Eyes, and having given her the answer she wanted when she assigned me the "random" letter J (!!) we agreed I could do 5 J's and 5 T's (an actual randomly assigned letter) so, to resume...

1. Technology Seeing as how some of my best friends are on the other side of a very big pond (KRISTEN!) and the rest of my besties and the boy are in Egham, technology is one of my favouritest things EVER. MSN, Skype, my mobe, email and Facebook aren't a way of life because I'm a geek, they're all just ways of staying in touch with the people I love when we're not in the same place.
2. Tulips are just the most beautiful flower ever made, so they get to figure on here.
3. Television because I'm that cool! I don't actually watch *that* much tv, but there are a certain few shows I never miss (The West Wing, Outnumbered, Greys, Neighbours, Home & Away, Hollyoaks, Strictly Come Dancing, The Apprentice, Casualty & Holby City to name a few) (OK, so I do watch a lot of television. I'm unemployed. Go figure!)
4. TeaTime Every day from the day I learnt how to say it, about half past four, mum would get "Mumma...what tea?" This only really stopped when I left home for uni, aged 18 :p I love family teatime, particularly once me and Ben were older as it was often the only time of a day where the four of us were guaranteed to see each other.
   
5. Texting Arguably different from Technology as my point here is not so much keeping in contact as how much you can make someone smile with a tiny little txt, even if it doesn't say much at all.

So there we go. Enjoy!!

Love, etc.
xx

Kitchen Table Confessional

What is it about people's kitchen tables?? There's something inviting and comforting about sitting in someone's kitchen nursing a big mug of hot chocolate and knowing that you're not going to be judged, whatever you're there to talk about.

Liz's kitchen is probably approaching legendary status in Egham just for the sheer number of people that she looks after & listens to & counsels over coffee, but its not just there that I felt so at home. All my mums so often would let me just sit and be and listen to me while they did their day to day stuff - I used to help iron or cook & make pizza for the kids, load the dishwasher & fold the washing - their kitchen table confessionals brought me in to their families and made me feel so loved.

Being back in Egham this weekend and ending up at Alison's kitchen table this morning (being used as slave labour for Mr Berry's latest Strategies work!) was just LOVELY. There's something to be said for having people who you can just go to and go "so I've done this..." or "this has happened and I don't know what to do..." and have someone who will listen and help. There are never magic fixes, but my mums (all 6 of them!) (7 if you count my real one...) always have an answer that helps, even if its just allowing me to spend time with the kids to bring my smiles back :)

I guess they show me the truth in the saying that

A friend is one who is a source of sunshine when you are under the weather.
A friend is one who strengthens you with prayer, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope.
A friend is one to whom distance is no barrier to communication, concern, or caring.
A friend is one whose thoughtfulness is exceeded only by his concern; whose helpfulness is second only to his awareness.
A friend is one who believes in you so strongly that you are motivated to stretch, to reach and to achieve beyond your fondest expectation.
A friend is one who transforms your loneliness into happiness, your sadness into joy, your gloom into gladness.
A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.
A friend is one who is on the scene with you when you need him, and who quietly leaves when you want to be alone.
A friend is a source of celebration when you feel there is nothing to celebrate.
A friend is one who answers when you call. Who often answers before you call.

When was the last time you could say that about yourself and your friendships with others??Distance hasn't become an object with my Egham friendships...the person is much much more important than where they are in the world.

Love, etc.
xx

Lucky, or, A Lesson In Perspective

Today was one of those days where you realise how lucky you really are; when you realise that actually, no matter how unemployed you are, or how big your overdraft appears to be getting, really there's nothing that wrong at all.

Today my god-faughter had open-heart surgery. She was blessed with an extraordinarily talented surgeon & medical team & everything went more or less to plan. That in and of itself was traumatic enough...travelling up to be with her family knowing that she was in theatre, waiting for her to come out, waiting for the phone call to go down and visit her...I thought that was difficult. Ain't seen nothing yet.

Paeds ICU is *the* most traumatic place I've ever been in my life. (Incidentally, I have so much respect for the nurses who work in there...I could never do it, but they lavish on those kids so much love and care and attention - if you ever need an example of grace and love in action, they are it) There are just cots and beds of the sickest children I've ever seen...to put it on a scale - my Ellie had a hole in her heart patched and part of the heart wall rebuilt, and that was considered "simple" There were some desperately poorly children there, including one tiny little prem baby who was brought in while I was sitting with her who shouldn't even have been born yet, yet alone have been fighting for his life.

Looking at the babies, I suddenly understood why people question the existance of God. I've never really doubted His existance, even I was too cool to openly admit it during my teens, but today, looking at those little kids who have done nothing wrong to anyone and deserve *nothing* of what they have to go through, I was just standing there shouting at God: Why does He let this happen? Why can't He just reach down and fix them? Why, why why? There aren't any answers...I've never had any answers for that question, and I doubt I ever will.

Scared and upset and angry as I was, once I was back in the relatives room at the top of the hospital looking out over London, in amongst all the busyness, I had a picture of God having his hand over the hospital holding on to & strengthening all the people in it...patients, friends & relatives, staff & surgeons alike. And breaking His heart over them just the same way I was.

He watches us day after day struggle to live in a fallen world...today I had just a glimpse of how much He loves us.

Love, etc.
xx

When does a place become a part of you??

So they kind of spoiled it with the last "when you're in Northeast England" line, but other than that, the advert was beautiful. When DOES a place become a part of you??

- when its history echoes down to you throughout the ages?

- when it offers sanctuary from a restless world?

- when its wilderness speaks and you understand?

- when the locals welcome you like friends?

- when your spirit soars?

I was trying to think of my own to add to this but actually couldn't come up with any. When a place is a part of you, there's no way of describing it properly. There are ways, of course, of telling...the way I grin when I just drive past my old school, the way I actually light up at the first glimpse of Founders when I'm pulling in to Egham on the train, the way walking through the doors of St Johns brings such a huge sense of peace. These places have all played huge roles in my life - they've become a part of me as they've shaped me and changed me and sent me out on to the next adventure. The best thing about a place being a part of you?? When you go back, it feels like coming home. Every time.

So what makes a place a part of you??

Love, etc.
xx

One Of Those Days, or, Why I Love My Little Hen

Today was just one of those days. Despite the FREEZINGLY COLD weather, I had just a perfect day (and not just because I was shopping) (for BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!) (altho that was pretty exciting...) ANYWAY. To get to my point.

I know I've blogged before about the randomness and slightly unsettling nature of my home world and my uni world colliding, but today I met my Little Hen (very university world) at Gunwharf (very home world) and it was just lovely. She is one of those people who just make your day better when you see them. Spending an hour having lunch with her makes me smile, so spending a whole day shopping with her...just lovely :)

For someone so small, she is very wise & her answers to all my questions and AAAAH! moments just made me smile quite the very lot. She's one of those people who you just know you have been so blessed to have been given & know that you won't be letting go of anytime soon (even if they do intend to bugger off to France and Spain for a year :p)

So Hen, this one's for you angel. Thankyou for today...I miss you

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. My point (since I said I had one)...next time you have one of those days with someone...tell them!!!
x

Interview Time

The first (unnumbered) rule is I must link back to the post I got this from. Here ya go, Somi!
From there, the rules are numbered:

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Seems simple enough, right? So, Somi asked me the following questions.

(1) Name only one blogger you really respect and tell me why. I love reading Blue Eyes's blog. She has such amazingly unique insights in to stuff and always leaves you with a challenge and something to think about in your life. She's also an angel in real life as well as one of my favourite things in the blogosphere :)

(2) If you had to pick a non-urban, U.S. destination in which to vacation for a week, where would you go? I think it would have to be somewhere remote and mountainous in either the Rockies or the Catskills because the scenery is BEAUTIFUL. That and looking down from high up a mountain can really drag everything else in to perspective.

(3) If you had $500 to spend on housing, food and entertainment for the trip mentioned in (2), how would you spend it? A little chalet that was cozy and cute with a log fire and lots of blankets. Also enough meat to satisfy my recent BBQ craving and plenty of DVDs to snuggle up and watch.

(4) Tell me about one person with whom you've lost touch. If you hope for a reunion, how would you like that reunion to take place? My Kingswood girls from my first year at university. We lived together 24/7 for a year & then kinda drifted once we'd moved out of our dorm. I don't want a huge reunion but how perfect would it be if all of us ended up sprawled around in KT & Em's room eating chocolate and being hideously judgmental about the acts of the X Factor.

(5) In 2008, what was your biggest achievement and your biggest failure/disappointment? My biggest achievement...I guess I'm pretty proud that I got to rig at the Royal Albert Hall with Sound Man. Biggest failure/disappointment...I guess my degree result didn't really go according to plan.

So there we go!! Thanks to Somi for more blog craziness...I can't wait until her next one!!!

Love, etc.
xx

This year, to save me from tears...

New Years Resolutions. Quite the fashionable thing at the moment. And as far as I was concerned, totally overrated (particularly given the fact that I broke last years one so spectacularly) (and the year before that, come to think of it) but after a lot of thought, I've decided to make one for this year too.

If' I'm honest, in my weaker, more unhappy moments, I'm not very keen on myself. I judge myself incredibly harshly and can only see the bad, refusing to believe that there is any good for other people to see in me. When I'm sad, I get too angry and block people out. When I feel lonely, I flirt too much just to make myself feel better. If I look in the mirror and see spots or bad hair, I can't see past them & refuse to believe that other people can either.

So.

My resolution is this...to protect me from myself, to stop me hurting other people through my insecurities, to make me just that little bit happier and more secure...I resolve to find my identity in God. To let Him strengthen me and to find His power perfect in my weaknesses. I want to end 2009 happy with who I am and content with myself. I have no idea if it will work, but I want to try it.

Inspired by this beautiful lady, come join me. Make 2009 different for yourself, and be prepared to be surprised at how different that makes it for everyone around you.

Love, etc. And a very happy new year :)
xx

Spoilt

I realised yesterday that I've been incredibly spoilt in the last three and a half years (and we're not just talking access to Daddy's credit card here...) I've often been told I landed on my feet with my friends and my church and just the general ease with which I settled in to university and living away from home.

I guess I never really realised *just* how spoilt I was until I left...the classic not knowing what you've got until its gone. For three years, I had the best friends a girl could ask for, the support and love of fantastic surrogate families and just so much happiness that I couldn't have wanted for anything (didn't stop me wanting, of course, but I didn't need for anything)

I was spoilt too with my church and the ease with which I fitted in to the Worship Development Team and the Sound Team & was accepted and valued by those already on the teams. I was spoilt with how great the teaching was and the discpleship & support was. I was spoilt with the friendships and love that I found there, and because I was spoilt, it was easy. I didn't have to work per se at becoming part of the team...it just happened. I didn't have to work particularly hard to make new friends because that just happened. I didn't have to work overly hard at finding and meeting with God, because that just happened too.

Call me crazy (and many of you have/did for chosing to leave) but I'm kind of thinking at the moment that I'm going to challenge myself even further. My parents church is amazing...full of lovely lovely caring people who love me so much & are always so excited to see me when I come to visit and the teaching is as sound as I've ever heard. Its not my first choice where worship is concerned, which is quite a big thing for me, as I tend to be more moved by worship than anything else. But. I'm going to go to church with them for the next few months. I think my faith could do with some challenges...I think I could do with having to actively search for and walk with God. I know its safe to that at DREC because I know its sound and full of Godly amazing people.

I've had it all on a plate for most 4 years...its about time I got off my butt and started stretching myself. Which leaves the question...where are you at?? Are you comfortably settled enjoying the ease of life?? Or have you jumped out your boat trusting that there's something out there for you??

Hmm. Ponder. I'll get back to you on the levels of success...

Love, etc.
xx

Yes Folks, its that time again!!

A potted history of 2008 in the world of Laura...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Graduated, learnt to drive (sort of) rigged at the Royal Albert Hall.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2009? Utter fail. And as such, I doubt I'll be making any more!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Erm...no? Not that I can think of. Its all about 2009 with the babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Dad's brother in Oz, but not other than that.

5. What countries did you visit? Apart from regular commuting between Egham & Petersfield, I went nowhere. I'm so rock'n'roll!!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A full-time job as a Sound Eng would be lovely please. Also a pink driving licence rather than my green one. Thanks.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
13th March - rigging Classical Spectacular at the Royal Albert Hall with Hodge (THE best day of the year)
My 21st Birth(four)day(s) were truly just the funnest 4 days of uni)
15th July - Graduation Day SWOOSH! :)
29th Nov-5th Dec - Bugsy Malone (I know The Godfather won't agree, but for me, one of the best weeks of my short little life so far)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Running tech for the first night of Mosaic

9. What was your biggest failure? Wasn't impressed with my degree result. Also with the lack of full time job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No major dramas spring to mind.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Had a bit of a handbags thing this year. And managed to get a new dress for each and every possible occasion.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The Godfather because he's just THE best
RJ, Mr Skins & Sound Man for their undending support & encouragement during the (still ongoing) jobs debacle
My various mums & dads, particularly my second family Chez Holloway

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Apart from my own?! Lets not go there.

14. Where did most of your money go? Probably eating out and buying coffee to be honest. Or handbags.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? rigging at the Royal Albert Hall (and any other time I got to see Sound Man), Mosaic, my 21st Birth(four)day(s) but my cake in particular, swooshing in my Graduation gown was SUPER fun and Tom & Na's wedding was just perfect (seeing her dress at the final fitting, however, will remain THE most exciting moment of our lives as housemates)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008? Parry's "Jerusalem" from Clas Spec, "Strength Will Rise" for Pete & the gang, "Feels Like Home" from Tom & Na's wedding, Kate Nash's "Foundations" & Alanis Morisette's "Thankyou" and "Head Over Feet" from all the roadtrips.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier I guess...get back to me on that one.
b) Thinner or fatter? Just about thinner, but starting to put it back on...post-Christmas Gymmage here I come.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer, actually. And even richer still once I've claimed my tax back WOOP.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I actually have no regrets of this year where I look at something and wish I'd done more. Degree results and all.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I don't know whether Mumma Gingy will agree, but I *think* I've actually stressed and panicked less this year than previously....would still like to do even less though. That would be ideal. Also maybe less wine consumption...

20. How did you spend Christmas? Again trying to ensure peace and goodwill prevailed between myself and my brother and my parents. More or less successfully.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? That would imply a change of position since the beginning of the year. Which there hasn't been. Oh dear.

22. How many one-night stands? Every year the same question; every year the same answer - NONE.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Same old same old. Apprentice and Strictly. Although The X Factor was pretty addictive this year...

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. I'm confused about where I stand with a few people, but I don't think there's any hate there.

25. What was the best book you read? The Time Travellers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. Absolutely awesome.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Capital FM Breakfast Show on my clock radio. No, really. Nothing else can get me out of bed.

27. What did you want and get? to live in Egham after I graduated & to work on Bugsy Malone

28. What did you want and not get? A MacBookPro as ever. Also a full-time orchestral job. Sad times.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Am I allowed to say Quantum of Solace?? (jokes Nick, jokes) Would HAVE to be Mumma Mia ;)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Haha. The Birth(four)day(s). Good times. I was 21, and I did a variety of things, including an old-skool poker night with the original gang, a black tie Hollywood Starlet party, getting hideously embarassed by getting sung Happy Birthday at church & just so much other fun stuff with my friends :D

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A first. Or even a 2.1. And any one of the 137 jobs I applied for!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? As perfectly co-ordinated and modelled as ever ;)

33. What kept you sane? The Godfather. Pretty much single handedly. Its been a tough year and he was there every single step of the way whether I was going forwards or backwards. Nothing's happened that he doesn't know about & he still loves me & wants to look after me. The man is a living legend.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? After a fleeting thing for Russell Brand (I kno, WHAT?!) I settled happily back on Anton du Beke & Matthew Cutler.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Income Tax. Seriously. SERIOUSLY?! THAT'S MY HARD-EARNED MONEY YOU'RE TAKING AWAY TO SUPPORT YOUR FAILING HEALTH SERVICE AND SHODDY GOVERNMENT. Pah. Emigration is appealing.

36. Who did you miss? My California Girl. Like MAD.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Bean. Without question.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: that I'm a lot stronger and a lot more capable than I give myself credit for.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

And I will laugh until my heart it aches
And I will love until my heart it breaks
And I will love until there’s nothing more to live for

So there we go. That was 2008. I'm not going to tag anyone, but I *am* going to encourage you to de-lurk for 2 things...1) feel free to question away if I've been too cryptic (although I won't be revealing any of the pseudonyms) (unless the person in question wishes to reveal themself) and 2) to copy and do this on your blogs!!

Happy 2009 people...be blessed and be sure to ENJOY IT!!!

Love, etc.
xx

Fit for Purpose

I knew when I decided to leave that it was going to be hard. I probably slightly underestimated just how upsetting saying goodbye to the kids was, and I definitely underestimated how hard it was going to be walking away from my Sound Desk for the last time.

Some of you might think it odd that I've chosen to leave when its so hard to leave somewhere I'm so clearly attached to, but as someone very wise once said to me, its very easy to fall in to a rut without even realising just because its so comfortable and safe. At St Johns, I have been pastored and mentored in my faith to a place where I can lead others & teach them; I have been welcomed and loved and included in such a way that its only natural that I bring others to join in too; I have been given such amazing Sound training that I've been given my own team to mentor and teach. People have devoted a lot of time to my development, and I am fit for my purpose at St Johns.

But.

Being fit for purpose isn't enough. Becoming fit for purpose is good - people have spent three and a half years teaching me and building me up and loving me until I am fit for purpose, but its not enough. Its not what we're called to be. I don't have time to take up another ministry - I can't create more of myself to give out to help anymore in the church, but if I just stick to what I know and the things I already do, I'll stop learning. I'll stop growing, and that in turn will stop developing the talents and gifts that I've been given. Those of you who know me will know how much I rant about the Parable of the Talents and how unfair it is that the servant gets punished for not doing anything with his talent, but recently I've really understood that concept - its nice to be comfortable and feel safe and know that at the same time you're doing great work for your Church, but that's not what we're called to do. As my rigging hoody says, right across the back,

"I have come that you might have life and have it to the full" John 10v10

so that's what I'm going to do.


Love, etc.
xx


p.s. Aforementioned wise person also once told me how proud he'd be of me if I actually left & I know today that he is. I wouldn't be doing this without his patience and expertise he so willingly shared - RJ, this one's for you.

A Dying Breed...

Gentlemen. Its a conversation I appear to be having with increasing regularity these days...you are a dying breed. Mr Skins told me the other day that feminism is slowly killing of gentlemen, which is potentially very true. What I don't understand is why.

Why is it bad when a guy holds a door for you, or walks on the outside of you on a pavement (VERY cute when you did that the other day AND you got a smile for your troubles) or pays for you when you go out for dinner?? I don't find myself demeaned as a woman; I don't feel my authority being threatened (I mean....come ON!) and I definitely don't find that it is typical of the male-dominated society which women have fought against for so long. I think its lovely, it makes me smile, and, actually, makes me feel valued as a woman - different for all the right reasons.

...the woman came out of a man's rib...not out of his feet to be walked upon or out of his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal, under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved...

Not to get all soppy on you, but there we go...not superior, not below...just equal. And different. And special. So enjoy it!!

Love, etc.
xx

Honestly OK?

So because I'm a girl, when I was feeling a bit down tonight, I called someone who can, without fail, cheer me up. I caught them at a slightly inconvenient moment, and as a result, the conversation was a mere formality while I asked my question (a.k.a the thinly veiled excuse to call), I got an answer (which admittedly didn't really help with cheering me up) and that was that. Five minutes later, got a txt asking if I was ok. Obviously at this point I said no, I wasn't, I was unhappy about leaving & wanted to talk to someone who understood. *Ahem* Or not. Being the girl that I am, of course I txt back saying I was fine. And then got angry & even more upset when that didn't get a response.

Now, you may argue that he's a boy & wouldn't have known that fine means anything but (especially if we take it with its literal translation of Female, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional) blah blah blah, but the worst thing about it?? I've done it to him so many times that I guess now he looks at it & takes it at face value. I've made it such hard work for him to care about me & try to look after me that I actually drive him a little further away every time I do it.

When I got home, I must've read four or five blogs all with the same message - tell people how you feel, its ok show your emotions, stop bottling it all up...so I'm here to echo that. You can't be unhappy that people seem not to care if you won't let them care about you. The walls you've put up to try & protect you, the things you've made part of your life to try and fulfil you, even the people you gather around you mean nothing if you won't let yourself be loved.

Best of all though - the knowledge that if I hadn't been so stupidly female, he would've called me back to make me smile again. I really should start letting him.

Love, etc.
xx

Mastercard moments

Cost of producing Bugsy Malone...£17k (yes, you did just read that correctly)

Cost of a ticket to Bugsy...£10

Cost of my train tickets back and forth to Petersfield for the week...£51.90

The look on The Godfather's face when he saw me on Tuesday...priceless.


Mastercard moments...what are yours??
Love, etc.
xx

Decisions...

So, out of the blue for pretty much all of you - when I leave Egham in December, I won't be coming back. The last three and half years have been the best of my short little life so far, but its time to move on.

There are lots of reasons for me going (and yes, these are at least equalled by the number of reasons I could stay) but I have the trump card of it feeling like its the right thing for me to do on the side of going, and those of you who know me are probably gobsmacked that I feel its the right thing for me to do, because if you'd asked me even a couple of months ago, I'd've still been so firmly set on finding the job of dreams and making Egham happen.

This last weekend, I was at my old school helping turn the Sports Hall in to a theatre, and despite the long hours and the stress, I realised that being on a Production Crew really is the dream. And I was living it. Yes, on a voluntary basis, Yes on a small scale, but in a surprising way, it made me happier than living in Egham doing any old job does. I can compromise on my geographical location and still be happy, but after all the experiences I've had on Crew, and remembering how good they all were, I don't think I can compromise on the job for much longer and still be so happy.

The more people I talk to about this, the more I hear truth in the fact that I'm more likely to get a job here rather than London; I realise the truth in the words that people aren't going to forget I exist and stop being my friend just because I don't live in the same town as them anymore and I've *finally* started to believe the truth that God doesn't only live at St Johns.

And even Dorothy had to leave Oz eventually.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Sorry for making that one all about me, but if you can't do it on your own blog...
x

Face Value

My Beautiful Blonde once pointed out to me the sheer number of insignificant moments that a friendship is made up of. The tiny things like being met at the station when its dark & rainy so you're not walking home alone, or sitting on the floor eating Ben & Jerries straight out the tub and swapping when you're bored of your own flavou, or buying a petrol station treat when you fill your car up because you know how much it will make someone smile. These are such tiny events in the grand scheme of things, but they don't half mean a lot.

The thing that got me though, was the realisation of how some of the seemingly most insignificant, passing relationships of my life have become some of the most important. On paper, Sound Man was just a friend of a friend who trained me for a grand total of about 12 hours, but in practice, he's one of the most patient people I've ever met who always takes my dumbnass questions seriously and has continued to teach me everything he possibly can even when we're on opposite sides of the world (well, Munich to Egham anyway...) I'm pretty sure its not just because of my brownies - he is a major player in my life & a major source of job and tech advice. Not bad for a friend of a friend and 12 hours training. Same goes for The Godfather. How my Physics teacher became my spiritual mentor I couldn't begin to tell you (small lie...I could, but it would take all day) but again, if I'd taken it at face value, I'd've learnt my Physics and left again. And missed out on one of the people who have been the most influential in my life so far, spiritual and otherwise. And that's a worrying thought.

My point other than a love in of Sound Man and The Godfather?? Don't take every relationship at its face value. Make each one special. Invest in them, and let yourself be surprised at where they go.

Love, etc.
xx

Simplicity

"Thankyou God for Starlight (my new fish) and for birthday parties. Please stop Daddy from getting studded on Saturday. Sorry for shouting at Jake. Amen"

Sometimes we could all do with praying with a 5 year old just to remind us of the simplicity of our faith that we make so hard for ourselves

Love, etc.

xx

Coffee & Chat (part 3)

"You're not the person I thought you were"

I used to think that was the most hurtful thing someone could say to me until it was pointed out that actually, we regularly build people up to be something they're not, and then blame them when reality bites.

I'm as guilty of this as the next person, and could tell you at very great, very raw & painful length how it happens, but that's not my point. Don't try to make them something they're not; don't try to make them what you want them to be & get hurt when it doesn't work out. Take someone as they are, and love them for that.

Love, etc
xx

p.s I can't even remember what the miscellaneous beverage was this time. Still wasn't coffee though
xx

Sin and George Orwell

It can never be a good thing when I read a book that satirises communist Russia and find a startlingly large number of comparisons with the church within it. I'll leave you to go and find it and read it and realise what I mean in the most part, but the one thing that struck me the most was when the animals change

all animals are equal

to

all animals are equal but some are more equal than others

Its funny when its about animals on a farm, and mildly amusing when its sending up the communist regime, but suddenly, it stops being funny when you realise that's how we treat sin. All sins are equal, but we make some of them more equal than others. This became uncomfortably real to me earlier this year when I was being teased about having had FAR too much to drink on New Years Eve and tried to excuse it by saying that it only happened a couple of times a year. When someone (who shall remain nameless) (mostly because I can't think of an amusing blog pseudonym for him) asked me whether "it would be ok for him to leave his wife at home and go out and sleep around 'a couple of times a year'" I realised how true that phrase is...all sins are equal, we just make some of them less bad for ourselves because that makes us feel more comfortable.

Its so easy to judge someone for what we perceive to be their sin without realising that in that moment we to are putting ourselves wrong with God - we're not called to judge people, we're called to love them. Jesus never said "by the way you throw the bible at them, they shall know me" and I totally believe that that is not what God wants. I don't think I'm ever going to be called for account for chosing to love someone rather than judge them, whatever they're doing with their lives. And anyway, there's a lot to be said for taking the plank out of your own eye first.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Love, etc.
xx

To all the non-believers...

The Saffa is forever ripping it out of me for blogging...he tells me that its for self-absorbed self-interested people who think that everyone else cares what they think. Now, I love my pretty pink blog to bits, so normally I just beat him and be done with it, but it does occasionally make me wonder why I blog - am I just a self-absorbed self-interested person who thinks that everyone else cares what I think??

Be that as it may (although I'd argue that its not...) Dawson Trotman finally solved this issue for me by pointing out (through Rick Warren) that

"thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through your fingertips"

and its true - often it can be so helpful getting your thoughts out of your head and rearranging them so they form some semblance of sense to someone looking in...it stops my head exploding at least!!

So yes, to the non-believers, that is why we blog. That, and we do quite like the sound of our own thoughts...

Love, etc.
xx

Forgiveness

Now, being an English student, I tend to over-analyse words. That's what we do. Find every ounce of meaning we possibly can in a phrase until there's none left, then claim there never was any in the first place. Its bad when I do that when I'm trying to read for fun; its worse when I do it in church. Even worse, perhaps, when I stand looking at the screen, reciting the line "forgive us our sins as we forgive others," and thinking about how everyone reads that and feels all warm and fuzzy inside because they know God is going to forgive them for what they've done wrong during the week. Awesome. But wrong.

Not wrong in the sense that God won't forgive us, because He definitely always does. Its just the words we're using and the meaning we're choosing to take from them. Or should that be the meaning we chose to project on to them. We think we're asking God to fully forgive us our sins in the knowledge of the biblical model that says He always will, but actually, what would we do if one day He took us literally and forgave us like we forgive others? Half forgiveness here, bit of lingering bitterness there. The words of forgiveness with one breath and then gossip to whomever is around with the next? Too bitter and twisted or hurt too deeply to really forgive , instead allowing the relationship to fracture and disintegrate?

How often do we read those words, realise what we're actually saying and adjust OUR forgiveness, adjust how WE are forgiving people and deal with that before we come to God and ask it of Him?? Who are we to judge ourselves and our level of forgiveness to others (for want of a better phrase) and still think that it is in any way comparable to God's utterly total and complete forgiveness of us?

Love, etc.
xx

10 Ways To Tell I'm A Real Adult Now

1) I have a tax code

2) I get up, wash, dress, make lunch and leave the house all before 9am

3) I eat salad out a tupperware and drink Diet Coke for lunch

4) The phrases "touch base" "heads up" and "let me check my diary and get back to you" creep out of the office and in to everyday life

5) The payments IN to my bank account very nearly cover the payments OUT

6) I wear a suit most days of the week & as such, ironing shirts is a now a valid week-night activity

7) I don't go on Facebook between the hours of 0830 and 1830

8) I have a lunchbreak where my personal phone goes crazy for an hour

9) 1730 is my favourite time of the day

10) I have a daily commute

...so may be it will stop feeling like I'm pretending soon!!

Love, etc
xx

Little Things

Yes, life is often about the big all singing-all dancing stuff, but sometimes, its the little things that make you smile.

My current favorites from the last few days...

• having forgotten, being reminded how Profound Admirer has THE most comfortable sofa in the world
  
• major excitement over new tech toys in the shape of Jim The Drummer's new Kit
  
• how much hot chocolate and late-night bonding with the Landlords of Dreams can make me feel at home
• how exciting impulsive plans are, particularly if they involve Monkey's burgers
  
• also being reminded how truly adorable Profound Admirer's little one is now she's in PJs with a little duvet all of her own instead of her grow bag
• that stopping to actually TALK to Mr Skins can bring a whole new perspective on it all

Nothing earth-shattering. But all pretty special to me in their own way. Today's gem of advice - don't overlook it. Just smile and enjoy.

Love, etc
xx

The Way I Was Made

Hitch. SUCH a good movie. I absolutely love it, but there's something about watching a movie in church that makes you see it in a totally different way. Normally, I'm full on soppy "AWWWW" when Alexa is telling Hitch that she loves all Albert's quirky habits, because they make her feel more normal, but last night, all I could think about was why we feel the need to pretend to be something we're not or to impress others. At the end of the day, even he learns that there aren't any basic principles to successful dating (though that said, some things just really aren't cool for ANY girl in ANY situation...) And he's right...there are no basic principles to attraction, other than being yourself (Funny how often cliches are actually true...)

Easier said than done huh?? Easy to prattle on about loving yourself and highlighting your best qualities to others, but what about those days when you look at yourself and can't see them?? Or the times you look at yourself and just can't stand what you see?? What then?? Sadly, there isn't any quick fix. There are plenty of real life Hitch's waiting for you to call them so they can train you to be successful, but how much of "you" would be left if that happened? And what can help on the days when you're not feeling it?? Doesn't work for everyone, but for me, Mr Tomlin once again provides the answer...

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Believing that I exist in God's image is a constant struggle...believing that he wants me exactly the way I am is hard - there are far too many other people for me to compare every aspect of myself to and come up short, but what Hitch said was right - there are no basic principles. The honest answer is to work with what you've got...you might not like your smile, but you'll never know how much difference it can make to someone's day. And wanting to be happy with the way you are has got to be a step in the right direction. After all, if Albert can pull Alexa, there's hope for all of us, right??

Love, etc.
xx