Today was one of those days where you realise how lucky you really are; when you realise that actually, no matter how unemployed you are, or how big your overdraft appears to be getting, really there's nothing that wrong at all.
Today my god-faughter had open-heart surgery. She was blessed with an extraordinarily talented surgeon & medical team & everything went more or less to plan. That in and of itself was traumatic enough...travelling up to be with her family knowing that she was in theatre, waiting for her to come out, waiting for the phone call to go down and visit her...I thought that was difficult. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Paeds ICU is *the* most traumatic place I've ever been in my life. (Incidentally, I have so much respect for the nurses who work in there...I could never do it, but they lavish on those kids so much love and care and attention - if you ever need an example of grace and love in action, they are it) There are just cots and beds of the sickest children I've ever seen...to put it on a scale - my Ellie had a hole in her heart patched and part of the heart wall rebuilt, and that was considered "simple" There were some desperately poorly children there, including one tiny little prem baby who was brought in while I was sitting with her who shouldn't even have been born yet, yet alone have been fighting for his life.
Looking at the babies, I suddenly understood why people question the existance of God. I've never really doubted His existance, even I was too cool to openly admit it during my teens, but today, looking at those little kids who have done nothing wrong to anyone and deserve *nothing* of what they have to go through, I was just standing there shouting at God: Why does He let this happen? Why can't He just reach down and fix them? Why, why why? There aren't any answers...I've never had any answers for that question, and I doubt I ever will.
Scared and upset and angry as I was, once I was back in the relatives room at the top of the hospital looking out over London, in amongst all the busyness, I had a picture of God having his hand over the hospital holding on to & strengthening all the people in it...patients, friends & relatives, staff & surgeons alike. And breaking His heart over them just the same way I was.
He watches us day after day struggle to live in a fallen world...today I had just a glimpse of how much He loves us.
Love, etc.
xx
Today my god-faughter had open-heart surgery. She was blessed with an extraordinarily talented surgeon & medical team & everything went more or less to plan. That in and of itself was traumatic enough...travelling up to be with her family knowing that she was in theatre, waiting for her to come out, waiting for the phone call to go down and visit her...I thought that was difficult. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Paeds ICU is *the* most traumatic place I've ever been in my life. (Incidentally, I have so much respect for the nurses who work in there...I could never do it, but they lavish on those kids so much love and care and attention - if you ever need an example of grace and love in action, they are it) There are just cots and beds of the sickest children I've ever seen...to put it on a scale - my Ellie had a hole in her heart patched and part of the heart wall rebuilt, and that was considered "simple" There were some desperately poorly children there, including one tiny little prem baby who was brought in while I was sitting with her who shouldn't even have been born yet, yet alone have been fighting for his life.
Looking at the babies, I suddenly understood why people question the existance of God. I've never really doubted His existance, even I was too cool to openly admit it during my teens, but today, looking at those little kids who have done nothing wrong to anyone and deserve *nothing* of what they have to go through, I was just standing there shouting at God: Why does He let this happen? Why can't He just reach down and fix them? Why, why why? There aren't any answers...I've never had any answers for that question, and I doubt I ever will.
Scared and upset and angry as I was, once I was back in the relatives room at the top of the hospital looking out over London, in amongst all the busyness, I had a picture of God having his hand over the hospital holding on to & strengthening all the people in it...patients, friends & relatives, staff & surgeons alike. And breaking His heart over them just the same way I was.
He watches us day after day struggle to live in a fallen world...today I had just a glimpse of how much He loves us.
Love, etc.
xx
2 comments:
You just made me tear up a little bit. My husband is a nurse. He spent a few years in a pediatric ICU ward and now works with a pediatric surgical team. It's easy to say he does amazing work, but to hear it from your perspective, well that just makes it a little more real. Thanks.
I hope your god-daughter continues to mend her broken heart.
Oh my goodness. You did make me nearly cry with that blog beautiful.
I still remember the time when my friend who was working as a healthcare assistant before she became a nurse said that the hardest part of her job was making up beds after people had died. And that shocked me so much because I had never thought about it like that, I have known people who have died, but not in hospital, the only people I've known to go into hospital have come out again feeling better. It just hit me really hard. She said that was the reason why she couldn't work in a children's ward, she couldn't cope with making their beds.
A rather teary,
Blue Eyes xxx
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