The Tables Are Turned... (a.k.a Fit For Purpose part 2)

When RJ & Sound Man sat me down and taught me about me about gain theory and condenser mics and sound desks and every type of cable under the sun, I never in a million years thought it would lead to me teaching anyone anything ever. Yet in the space of 2 days, I've delivered a mini-lecturette on pan-pots, instructed FAR too many children in the correct etiquette of a Tech Gallery and been given two prefects to train as Junior Technicians. Oh, and been asked to help deliver the "technical" side of a new diploma the kids are starting in Creative and Media Studies *PANIC FACE*

How can I teach something I barely know myself?? What do I have to offer about the role of being a technician?! Why do people keep treating me like an adult when I'm really really not?! (Clearly I am doing too good a job of pretending...) But in all seriousness - I never expected that I'd have to share what I know in any kind of formal setting, let alone stand in front of 27 kids and start their introduction to Technical Theatre. I've barely finished my own.

There is, however, a part of my brain that is pointing out that that is just exactly what we're meant to do with our knowledge and things that we learn - pass it on to others. I've blogged about the Parable of the Talents before, particularly in the context of my work, so I guess this is just another nudge to remind to stop hoarding and start sharing. Clearly this year is going be very little to do with resting on my laurels and quite a lot to do with getting fit for the next purpose that He has in store for me.

Love, etc.
xx

No Regrets (a.k.a. Time Flies When You're Having Fun)

And once again, my blog becomes cliche central!! With good reason today though - I only realised when the mothership pointed it out that I left Egham 5 months ago. Somehow, its May. HOW?! HOW IS IT MAY!! THAT MEANS ITS ALMOST JUNE WHICH IS HALF A FLIPPING YEAR!!

What have I done in the last 5 months? And how has it gone so fast? And why am I not prouder of myself that I'm successfully standing on my own two feet (away from Egham) starting a new life for myself (more or less away from Egham)?!

I have never been surer of anything in my life than I was that leaving Egham at Christmas was the right thing for me to do. Its rare for me to feel called to do something (it means God is shouting REALLY loud) but ohmigosh was I scared. To leave the place that I'd called home for 4 years, and to make that decision in a matter of days. Scared doesn't really begin to describe it - I had nothing to leave for apart from a feeling, and an awful lot to stay for, including a job, somewhere to leave and my life there.

The last time I was making a hugely life-changing move that I was resisting very much (Petersfield to Egham) (ironic I know that the reverse was then so hard!), I was given a very good piece of advice - look back, but never turn back. I know that when I go back to Egham (yes, when) (as if that was ever in doubt!) I won't be an English student who does sound in her spare time. I'll be a Sound Engineer. I'll be an adult. I'll have a different place in the same ever-growing, ever-loving family that I left behind me 5 months ago. I'll still be me, I'll just be a different me.

I might not be Laura Robins though...

love, etc.
xx

Family Matters

Yesterday I had the loveliest day - lunch with my big sister, hot chocolate with my mum and a quick chat with dad about how his morning show had been while he fixed her computer, then cooked dinner with my little sister & had family film night with mum & dad and my little brother and said sister.

And the best thing about all of it?? Not one of them is actually related to me. My big sister adopted me when she was a finalist and I was a little Fresher dead scared of her and most of the rest of my Alpha group (I believe the bonding moment was the moment where we both collapsed in uncontrolable giggles at her phrase "well that's just a whole nother can of baked beans" Shep got mildly frustrated, and we just laughed more) My hot chocolate mum was one of my babysitting parents until we bceame prayer partners & now I come and go from their house as and when I'm free. The computer-fixing dad isn't married to my hot chocolate mum - he's actually one half of my original university parents who took me under their wing during my first year, feeding me and lending me their very gorgeous little ones whenever I wanted to play on the swings. And as for Mum, Dad and my little brother & sister - they've become my second family in the last eighteen months.

And where did I get all these extra family members from?? You've heard me say on here before that St Johns chanaged my life. These people adopted me and haven't looked back since. They've taught me a lot about myself and the world; they've looked after me and built me up and taught me to stand on my own two feet; they've given me love and support so totally above and beyond friendship.

They are truly the embodiment of the ideal church. One of my friends is struggling at the moment with the concept of church - feeling on the outskirts; not being looked after; not seeing the lauded ideal of "the family of Christ" and everytime we talk about it, I realise how lucky I am to have fallen so hard and so solidly on my feet that I have a home away from home & second third and fourth families to look after me.

There is a verse that goes something like,

"in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others"

Romans 12v5

I want to make people feel that welcome - I have work to do with some people, lots of work to do with others. But we're all called to work that out in our lives, so I've realised its about time I did.

Join me?? Because family matters.

Love, etc.

xx

Normal

If you've ever spent any length of time with my family, you'll know that the phrase "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps" could have been written about our household. Its a running joke that none of us have emerged to join the real world "normal," for after all, what is normal?? ** All jokes aside though, I was thinking about this the other night - what is normal?? Normal is sitting on the sofa Facebooking while The Drummer watches Top Gear. Normal is coffee in Neros and seeing half of St Johns walk past the window. Normal is Sunday night in the pub with the gang.

But normal is also walking in through the front door to the comforting smell of "home," normal is my own space and all my stuff around me, normal is Thursday Coffee with The Godfather. What is normal??

Egham is normal. Petersfield is normal. And spending so much time in both recently has just made me realise how special normal can be. Life will never be entirely normal while I split my life between two counties, but I'm detemined to enjoy the normalcy in amongst the madness.

Love, etc.
xx

** I would like to clarify that I am, in fact, the most normal of all of us. Yes.

A Pollyanna Day

Yesterday, I *may* have written a slightly (very) rant-y post about how everything was going wrong. Today, feeling slightly different, and after a metaphorical kick up the backside at church this morning, my post will read somewhat differently.

Today...

Today I'm bored of being unemployed Today I'm realising how much fun I can have relaxing with my free time, reading all the books I want & spending time chatting to people I'm normally too busy to catch up with.

Today I hate the fact that I'm utterly broke and living with my parents. I hate that I've reverted to the level of independence and self-sufficiency I had when I was 16 Today I've remembered just how lucky I am that my parents have taken me back in and provide me with rent-free living with unlimited hot water and internet...

Today I hate the fact that Dad is ill all the time and feels the need to take it out on me and Mum when all we're trying to do is help. I hate that they can't work out what's wrong with him and that we have to carry on as if everything is normal This is harder, but even so, I can still be glad that we have private health insurance through his work and thus have his neuro consults this week instead of in 3 months. It helps me to remember that its a good job I'm here to help mum, especially when she's so busy at work at the moment herself.

Today I hate the fact my best friends are spread around the world and I can't go to them and have a hug I also need to remember that we're blessed with amazing technologies that mean I can talk to any of them whenever and wherever I feel the need, and most of the time can hear their voice or see them on webcam too. As my Littlest One proved to me yesterday, the thoughts and love and intentions behind a virtual hug can help almost as much as the real thing.

Today I hate the way that every conversation with Jim at the moment ends up with me moaning to him What I should really be saying here is how lucky I am that I have someone who will always pick up the phone/respond to my txts & spend hours with me on MSN just to make sure I'm smiling & goes out of his way to cheer me up when he discovers that I'm not.

I hate the fact that my so-called best friend walked out on me for making what has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made This is the hardest, and I'm not sure that I truly believe it myself yet, but all I can do here is be thankful for the four years that we have had & all the fun times we had during them. It makes me sad that she was there for every minute of my worst times, but now is missing me at my best, but there's not a lot I can do about that apart from not let it make me bitter and angry.

Today, I hate the fact that my driving lessons are so dependent on my parents & that I have no independence as a result This is potentially the most obvious and brattish of them all in that barely anyone else I know has parents that are paying for their entire course of driving lessons, permits and tests. And insurance on a car to practice in. Lucky lucky lucky. Just a bit of a spoilt brat at times to remember it.

Today I hate the fact that I'm not in Egham with all my friends I've been blessed to have two homes where I'm equally loved and welcomed. And so SO lucky to have so many friends willing to share spare rooms/sofas/floors when I want to come back and visit.

So yes. A Pollyanna Day...wherever you look, there's got to be a silvery lining somewhere. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of searching.

Love, etc.
xx

Kitchen Table Confessional

What is it about people's kitchen tables?? There's something inviting and comforting about sitting in someone's kitchen nursing a big mug of hot chocolate and knowing that you're not going to be judged, whatever you're there to talk about.

Liz's kitchen is probably approaching legendary status in Egham just for the sheer number of people that she looks after & listens to & counsels over coffee, but its not just there that I felt so at home. All my mums so often would let me just sit and be and listen to me while they did their day to day stuff - I used to help iron or cook & make pizza for the kids, load the dishwasher & fold the washing - their kitchen table confessionals brought me in to their families and made me feel so loved.

Being back in Egham this weekend and ending up at Alison's kitchen table this morning (being used as slave labour for Mr Berry's latest Strategies work!) was just LOVELY. There's something to be said for having people who you can just go to and go "so I've done this..." or "this has happened and I don't know what to do..." and have someone who will listen and help. There are never magic fixes, but my mums (all 6 of them!) (7 if you count my real one...) always have an answer that helps, even if its just allowing me to spend time with the kids to bring my smiles back :)

I guess they show me the truth in the saying that

A friend is one who is a source of sunshine when you are under the weather.
A friend is one who strengthens you with prayer, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope.
A friend is one to whom distance is no barrier to communication, concern, or caring.
A friend is one whose thoughtfulness is exceeded only by his concern; whose helpfulness is second only to his awareness.
A friend is one who believes in you so strongly that you are motivated to stretch, to reach and to achieve beyond your fondest expectation.
A friend is one who transforms your loneliness into happiness, your sadness into joy, your gloom into gladness.
A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.
A friend is one who is on the scene with you when you need him, and who quietly leaves when you want to be alone.
A friend is a source of celebration when you feel there is nothing to celebrate.
A friend is one who answers when you call. Who often answers before you call.

When was the last time you could say that about yourself and your friendships with others??Distance hasn't become an object with my Egham friendships...the person is much much more important than where they are in the world.

Love, etc.
xx

When does a place become a part of you??

So they kind of spoiled it with the last "when you're in Northeast England" line, but other than that, the advert was beautiful. When DOES a place become a part of you??

- when its history echoes down to you throughout the ages?

- when it offers sanctuary from a restless world?

- when its wilderness speaks and you understand?

- when the locals welcome you like friends?

- when your spirit soars?

I was trying to think of my own to add to this but actually couldn't come up with any. When a place is a part of you, there's no way of describing it properly. There are ways, of course, of telling...the way I grin when I just drive past my old school, the way I actually light up at the first glimpse of Founders when I'm pulling in to Egham on the train, the way walking through the doors of St Johns brings such a huge sense of peace. These places have all played huge roles in my life - they've become a part of me as they've shaped me and changed me and sent me out on to the next adventure. The best thing about a place being a part of you?? When you go back, it feels like coming home. Every time.

So what makes a place a part of you??

Love, etc.
xx

Spoilt

I realised yesterday that I've been incredibly spoilt in the last three and a half years (and we're not just talking access to Daddy's credit card here...) I've often been told I landed on my feet with my friends and my church and just the general ease with which I settled in to university and living away from home.

I guess I never really realised *just* how spoilt I was until I left...the classic not knowing what you've got until its gone. For three years, I had the best friends a girl could ask for, the support and love of fantastic surrogate families and just so much happiness that I couldn't have wanted for anything (didn't stop me wanting, of course, but I didn't need for anything)

I was spoilt too with my church and the ease with which I fitted in to the Worship Development Team and the Sound Team & was accepted and valued by those already on the teams. I was spoilt with how great the teaching was and the discpleship & support was. I was spoilt with the friendships and love that I found there, and because I was spoilt, it was easy. I didn't have to work per se at becoming part of the team...it just happened. I didn't have to work particularly hard to make new friends because that just happened. I didn't have to work overly hard at finding and meeting with God, because that just happened too.

Call me crazy (and many of you have/did for chosing to leave) but I'm kind of thinking at the moment that I'm going to challenge myself even further. My parents church is amazing...full of lovely lovely caring people who love me so much & are always so excited to see me when I come to visit and the teaching is as sound as I've ever heard. Its not my first choice where worship is concerned, which is quite a big thing for me, as I tend to be more moved by worship than anything else. But. I'm going to go to church with them for the next few months. I think my faith could do with some challenges...I think I could do with having to actively search for and walk with God. I know its safe to that at DREC because I know its sound and full of Godly amazing people.

I've had it all on a plate for most 4 years...its about time I got off my butt and started stretching myself. Which leaves the question...where are you at?? Are you comfortably settled enjoying the ease of life?? Or have you jumped out your boat trusting that there's something out there for you??

Hmm. Ponder. I'll get back to you on the levels of success...

Love, etc.
xx

Yes Folks, its that time again!!

A potted history of 2008 in the world of Laura...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Graduated, learnt to drive (sort of) rigged at the Royal Albert Hall.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2009? Utter fail. And as such, I doubt I'll be making any more!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Erm...no? Not that I can think of. Its all about 2009 with the babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Dad's brother in Oz, but not other than that.

5. What countries did you visit? Apart from regular commuting between Egham & Petersfield, I went nowhere. I'm so rock'n'roll!!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A full-time job as a Sound Eng would be lovely please. Also a pink driving licence rather than my green one. Thanks.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
13th March - rigging Classical Spectacular at the Royal Albert Hall with Hodge (THE best day of the year)
My 21st Birth(four)day(s) were truly just the funnest 4 days of uni)
15th July - Graduation Day SWOOSH! :)
29th Nov-5th Dec - Bugsy Malone (I know The Godfather won't agree, but for me, one of the best weeks of my short little life so far)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Running tech for the first night of Mosaic

9. What was your biggest failure? Wasn't impressed with my degree result. Also with the lack of full time job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No major dramas spring to mind.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Had a bit of a handbags thing this year. And managed to get a new dress for each and every possible occasion.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The Godfather because he's just THE best
RJ, Mr Skins & Sound Man for their undending support & encouragement during the (still ongoing) jobs debacle
My various mums & dads, particularly my second family Chez Holloway

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Apart from my own?! Lets not go there.

14. Where did most of your money go? Probably eating out and buying coffee to be honest. Or handbags.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? rigging at the Royal Albert Hall (and any other time I got to see Sound Man), Mosaic, my 21st Birth(four)day(s) but my cake in particular, swooshing in my Graduation gown was SUPER fun and Tom & Na's wedding was just perfect (seeing her dress at the final fitting, however, will remain THE most exciting moment of our lives as housemates)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008? Parry's "Jerusalem" from Clas Spec, "Strength Will Rise" for Pete & the gang, "Feels Like Home" from Tom & Na's wedding, Kate Nash's "Foundations" & Alanis Morisette's "Thankyou" and "Head Over Feet" from all the roadtrips.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier I guess...get back to me on that one.
b) Thinner or fatter? Just about thinner, but starting to put it back on...post-Christmas Gymmage here I come.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer, actually. And even richer still once I've claimed my tax back WOOP.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I actually have no regrets of this year where I look at something and wish I'd done more. Degree results and all.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I don't know whether Mumma Gingy will agree, but I *think* I've actually stressed and panicked less this year than previously....would still like to do even less though. That would be ideal. Also maybe less wine consumption...

20. How did you spend Christmas? Again trying to ensure peace and goodwill prevailed between myself and my brother and my parents. More or less successfully.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? That would imply a change of position since the beginning of the year. Which there hasn't been. Oh dear.

22. How many one-night stands? Every year the same question; every year the same answer - NONE.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Same old same old. Apprentice and Strictly. Although The X Factor was pretty addictive this year...

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. I'm confused about where I stand with a few people, but I don't think there's any hate there.

25. What was the best book you read? The Time Travellers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. Absolutely awesome.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Capital FM Breakfast Show on my clock radio. No, really. Nothing else can get me out of bed.

27. What did you want and get? to live in Egham after I graduated & to work on Bugsy Malone

28. What did you want and not get? A MacBookPro as ever. Also a full-time orchestral job. Sad times.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Am I allowed to say Quantum of Solace?? (jokes Nick, jokes) Would HAVE to be Mumma Mia ;)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Haha. The Birth(four)day(s). Good times. I was 21, and I did a variety of things, including an old-skool poker night with the original gang, a black tie Hollywood Starlet party, getting hideously embarassed by getting sung Happy Birthday at church & just so much other fun stuff with my friends :D

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A first. Or even a 2.1. And any one of the 137 jobs I applied for!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? As perfectly co-ordinated and modelled as ever ;)

33. What kept you sane? The Godfather. Pretty much single handedly. Its been a tough year and he was there every single step of the way whether I was going forwards or backwards. Nothing's happened that he doesn't know about & he still loves me & wants to look after me. The man is a living legend.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? After a fleeting thing for Russell Brand (I kno, WHAT?!) I settled happily back on Anton du Beke & Matthew Cutler.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Income Tax. Seriously. SERIOUSLY?! THAT'S MY HARD-EARNED MONEY YOU'RE TAKING AWAY TO SUPPORT YOUR FAILING HEALTH SERVICE AND SHODDY GOVERNMENT. Pah. Emigration is appealing.

36. Who did you miss? My California Girl. Like MAD.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Bean. Without question.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: that I'm a lot stronger and a lot more capable than I give myself credit for.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

And I will laugh until my heart it aches
And I will love until my heart it breaks
And I will love until there’s nothing more to live for

So there we go. That was 2008. I'm not going to tag anyone, but I *am* going to encourage you to de-lurk for 2 things...1) feel free to question away if I've been too cryptic (although I won't be revealing any of the pseudonyms) (unless the person in question wishes to reveal themself) and 2) to copy and do this on your blogs!!

Happy 2009 people...be blessed and be sure to ENJOY IT!!!

Love, etc.
xx

Fit for Purpose

I knew when I decided to leave that it was going to be hard. I probably slightly underestimated just how upsetting saying goodbye to the kids was, and I definitely underestimated how hard it was going to be walking away from my Sound Desk for the last time.

Some of you might think it odd that I've chosen to leave when its so hard to leave somewhere I'm so clearly attached to, but as someone very wise once said to me, its very easy to fall in to a rut without even realising just because its so comfortable and safe. At St Johns, I have been pastored and mentored in my faith to a place where I can lead others & teach them; I have been welcomed and loved and included in such a way that its only natural that I bring others to join in too; I have been given such amazing Sound training that I've been given my own team to mentor and teach. People have devoted a lot of time to my development, and I am fit for my purpose at St Johns.

But.

Being fit for purpose isn't enough. Becoming fit for purpose is good - people have spent three and a half years teaching me and building me up and loving me until I am fit for purpose, but its not enough. Its not what we're called to be. I don't have time to take up another ministry - I can't create more of myself to give out to help anymore in the church, but if I just stick to what I know and the things I already do, I'll stop learning. I'll stop growing, and that in turn will stop developing the talents and gifts that I've been given. Those of you who know me will know how much I rant about the Parable of the Talents and how unfair it is that the servant gets punished for not doing anything with his talent, but recently I've really understood that concept - its nice to be comfortable and feel safe and know that at the same time you're doing great work for your Church, but that's not what we're called to do. As my rigging hoody says, right across the back,

"I have come that you might have life and have it to the full" John 10v10

so that's what I'm going to do.


Love, etc.
xx


p.s. Aforementioned wise person also once told me how proud he'd be of me if I actually left & I know today that he is. I wouldn't be doing this without his patience and expertise he so willingly shared - RJ, this one's for you.

Decisions...

So, out of the blue for pretty much all of you - when I leave Egham in December, I won't be coming back. The last three and half years have been the best of my short little life so far, but its time to move on.

There are lots of reasons for me going (and yes, these are at least equalled by the number of reasons I could stay) but I have the trump card of it feeling like its the right thing for me to do on the side of going, and those of you who know me are probably gobsmacked that I feel its the right thing for me to do, because if you'd asked me even a couple of months ago, I'd've still been so firmly set on finding the job of dreams and making Egham happen.

This last weekend, I was at my old school helping turn the Sports Hall in to a theatre, and despite the long hours and the stress, I realised that being on a Production Crew really is the dream. And I was living it. Yes, on a voluntary basis, Yes on a small scale, but in a surprising way, it made me happier than living in Egham doing any old job does. I can compromise on my geographical location and still be happy, but after all the experiences I've had on Crew, and remembering how good they all were, I don't think I can compromise on the job for much longer and still be so happy.

The more people I talk to about this, the more I hear truth in the fact that I'm more likely to get a job here rather than London; I realise the truth in the words that people aren't going to forget I exist and stop being my friend just because I don't live in the same town as them anymore and I've *finally* started to believe the truth that God doesn't only live at St Johns.

And even Dorothy had to leave Oz eventually.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Sorry for making that one all about me, but if you can't do it on your own blog...
x

Face Value

My Beautiful Blonde once pointed out to me the sheer number of insignificant moments that a friendship is made up of. The tiny things like being met at the station when its dark & rainy so you're not walking home alone, or sitting on the floor eating Ben & Jerries straight out the tub and swapping when you're bored of your own flavou, or buying a petrol station treat when you fill your car up because you know how much it will make someone smile. These are such tiny events in the grand scheme of things, but they don't half mean a lot.

The thing that got me though, was the realisation of how some of the seemingly most insignificant, passing relationships of my life have become some of the most important. On paper, Sound Man was just a friend of a friend who trained me for a grand total of about 12 hours, but in practice, he's one of the most patient people I've ever met who always takes my dumbnass questions seriously and has continued to teach me everything he possibly can even when we're on opposite sides of the world (well, Munich to Egham anyway...) I'm pretty sure its not just because of my brownies - he is a major player in my life & a major source of job and tech advice. Not bad for a friend of a friend and 12 hours training. Same goes for The Godfather. How my Physics teacher became my spiritual mentor I couldn't begin to tell you (small lie...I could, but it would take all day) but again, if I'd taken it at face value, I'd've learnt my Physics and left again. And missed out on one of the people who have been the most influential in my life so far, spiritual and otherwise. And that's a worrying thought.

My point other than a love in of Sound Man and The Godfather?? Don't take every relationship at its face value. Make each one special. Invest in them, and let yourself be surprised at where they go.

Love, etc.
xx

Little Things

Yes, life is often about the big all singing-all dancing stuff, but sometimes, its the little things that make you smile.

My current favorites from the last few days...

• having forgotten, being reminded how Profound Admirer has THE most comfortable sofa in the world
  
• major excitement over new tech toys in the shape of Jim The Drummer's new Kit
  
• how much hot chocolate and late-night bonding with the Landlords of Dreams can make me feel at home
• how exciting impulsive plans are, particularly if they involve Monkey's burgers
  
• also being reminded how truly adorable Profound Admirer's little one is now she's in PJs with a little duvet all of her own instead of her grow bag
• that stopping to actually TALK to Mr Skins can bring a whole new perspective on it all

Nothing earth-shattering. But all pretty special to me in their own way. Today's gem of advice - don't overlook it. Just smile and enjoy.

Love, etc
xx

Sharing the love...

So I got tagged. And I'm still unemployed and have nothing better to do with my time...

A. Attached or Single? Single. But I'm working on it.

B. Best Friend? There are a special few (who really should know who they are) that keep me sane.

C. Cake or pie? Ooooh, quite tough actually...I would say pie (either Mumma's chicken or Banoffee of dreams) but then there's all stuff like Brownies. And Brownies. And Brownies. And Liz's chocolate cake. Both then, is what I'm really trying to say!

D. Day of choice? Hectic as they are, Sundays. But any day I get hugs is a good day.

E. Essential item? My phone. I'm not sure I function correctly without it. And that's not something I'm willing to test!!

F. Favorite color? Purple. Mostly. Also black for its slimming properties when it comes to clothing.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Either or.

H. Hometown? Petersfield

I. Favorite indulgence? Very close tie between wedges, cheese and beans and Jacks fish and chips (I can't say wine because that makes me sound like an alky...)

J. January or July? Ummmm. January I guess. I love winter. But only if its sunny...not a fan of the whole rain thing (hence not chosing July...)

K. Kids? Not yet.

L. Life isn’t complete without? Music, a Sound Desk, hugs and my Bible.

M. Marriage date? I have no idea, but during the summer sometime.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? for my sins, a big ugly brother.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges just ming.

P. Phobias? Spiders and frogs (fairly standard) death and being alone (kinda wierd)

Q. Quotes? This could take some time...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9

"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" Alexander Hamilton

Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.

"Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself "Where did I go wrong?" Then a voice says to me "This is going to take more than one night." Charlie Brown

"I have spread my dreams under your feet...tread softly, because you tread on my dreams" Yeats

R. Reasons to smile? My friends & the kids. Hugs. And a certain person's grin.

S. Season of choice? I guess sort of October-y time (with no rain) There are leaves to be kicked through and jumpers to be snuggled in to.

T. Tag 5 people: Blue Eyes, Ariel, Bella Farfella, Bean and Girl Guess we'll see how often they read my bloglet...

U. Unknown fact about me? There are plenty which are unknown. And that way they shall stay. Guess I could share my inside leg measurement (33") or the fact that I still sleep with a teddy-bear every night I'm at home.

V. Vegetable? Contrary to popular belief, I do eat vegtables. Now and again.

W. Worst habit? I flip out over the smallest things in an entirely unnecessary way. But I'm lovely. Really.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Well, neither by choice, but having never had an Ultrasound, I guess X-Ray. They don't hurt at least.

Y. Your favorite food? Roast. Or Chinese food. Or Fish & Chips. Or Mumma's Chicken pie. There is no way I could ever pick just one.

Z. Zodiac sign? Pisces but I don't actually believe in them.

And that, my friends, has filled 20 valuable job-hunting minutes. What joy!

Love, etc.
xx

We could all learn a thing or two from Harry Potter...

Or Dumbledore, at least, when he tells Harry that

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times when one only remembers to turn on the light"

Now, I'm not going off on another "every cloud has a silvery lining" blog. I promise. More or less. I've just realised in the past few days how important it is to keep perspective on what's going on around you.

I hate the fact that I'm not in Egham full time at the moment, but the time away is showing me how important some of my friendships are. In some of the most unexpected places, I'm finding reassurance of myself, security in my friendships and ultimately, contentment in who I am. It still surprises me when my friendship means the same to someone as their friendship means to me, or when someone has missed me as much as I miss them. My friends are what keep me smiling when I can't be there - I've found myself so extraordinarily blessed in my three years in Egham, and if all I learn whilst I'm away is to count my blessings more often, then that's lesson enough for me. Light on, if you will (bit of a flickery bulb at the minute though...)

On the flipside, there's also a lot of stuff about being back in Petersfield that I've been missing because I've been so dead set against being here. I haven't been to see Lee, or Sue & Maggie, all of whom are maybe 5 minutes walk away from me, and all of whom I haven't seen properly for the best part of a year. Some of my favourite times over the summer were the days where I got to have lunch and a proper chat with my Godfather, but I haven't taken advantage of the fact we're both still in the same county. This is the last time for pretty much ever that I'll have the chance to do whatever I like with so much free time...I think its about time I switched on this particular light.

Love, etc.
xx

One day at a time...

Everyone has their Oz - somewhere where they land, often unexpectedly, where they find their feet and finally feel at home. For some people, its a scenario - a situation where they flourish, becoming truly themselves at the opportunity; for others, its a place where they're able to come alive and establish themselves an identity, emerging from the shadows of others to become an individual.

When I arrived in Egham, nothing was further from my mind than the fact that this was going to be the place where I could be me. Not John & Gill's daughter like I was at home, not Ben's little sister like I was for my entire school life, but me. But three years later, I've forged an identity for myself; I've become my own person. I didn't expect this, I couldn't have predicted it to this extent, and I didn't look for it to happen, but it has, and I'm me. In my Oz.

It does make me wonder though...if I *had* looked for it, expected it, would it still have happened?? If I'd tried to make it happen, would I be genuinely me, genuinely what I was meant to become, or just something that I thought I should be? If I had spent too much time thinking and not just grabbing the opportunities, would I be the same? I think not. I'm not saying be thoughtless; after all, some of things that have shaped me the most have been learnt as a consequence of my slightly heedless nature, but on the flip side, thinking too much can just hold you back and mean that you miss what could potentially be one of best experiences of your life.

I have no idea what my future holds. There are too many unanswered questions at the moment for me to be sure what's going to happen. But that's not going to ruin the now

One day at a time--this is enough.

Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.

Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Still waiting for my Wizard though...he's still hiding behind his emerald curtain
x

Roots and Wings

So this Thursday, I have to move out of The House of Dreams, at which point two very sad things will happen

1. Egham will no longer be the place I call home
2. Smelly boys will move in and 161 Larksfield will become, in true Prince-eqsue fasion, (The House Formally Known As) The House of Dreams

Now, boys living in our beautiful house is traumatic enough, but when that is coupled with the fact I have to leave Egham, I'm very surprised I haven't (quite) turned in to an emotional wreck. If you'd asked me three years ago what my plans were for my life, I'd've told you that I was going to hate university, go home every weekend because I was so homesick and that at the end of it I'd go home, get a PGCE and teach at my old school. Now the bright lights of London town beckon me, and I am counting the days until I can come back home.

And before you ask, my parents (probably not reading but you never know...) would be incredibly proud to read that. They packed me off to uni not entirely sure I'd make it through Freshers Week, let alone three years, and yet, just three years later, I've come to consider this small, sleepy, (let's be honest) slightly dead-end town my home. They gave me very strong, very deep roots during my years in Petersfield that gave me the strength of character (and slightly unrealised resources within myself) to up and leave and come to uni.

After three years, I've got some very deep roots of my own in Egham, nurtured by parents both real and surrogate. And I know that in another twelve/eighteen months, I'll be spreading my wings and flying off again (hopefully literally). I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be here forever. But for now, its not the end; I will be back. I'm not done with Egham just yet.

Love, etc.
x

To Everything There Is A Season...

Today was the first time in thirteen years that I wasn't at Open Day. Twice before Ben started, twice with Ben before I started, seven (!) times of my own, and then two more since leaving to see what was going on and what I was missing. Clearly I am a glutton for punishment! Not being there today was quite sad in a way, but also an indicator of my progression from scared kid leaving school to (reluctant) responsible adult going out in to the world. Time is a strange thing...when I was faced with the prospect of leaving the school I had loved, I always said I'd chain myself to the gates and they'd never get rid of me. But when it came to it, the gates had been painted blue, and it wasn't quite the same; it wasn't quite my Churcher's College, and leaving wasn't quite so hard. My season there had come to its natural end, and there were new things for me to explore.

I do find it strange then that today of all days I found myself back at my original hall of residence with a friend. Being back at Kingswood was very strange...seeing my old window looking down on the courtyard and the tree we broke on our third night there (that is still broken)...the smell of the corridors that is still the same as it ever was...the familiarity of swinging down the steps in C Block...I found myself thinking that I could go back tomorrow and it wouldn't be weird; I could go back tomorrow and love it just as much as I ever did, and in many ways, I'd give anything to be starting again in September. But same as when I left school, things have changed; its not my Kingswood anymore - my time at uni is also at its natural end.

I was watching a friend listen to The Byrds song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" the other day, but it didn't strike me until today that there really has been a season for everything in my life, and not just that, but a time for every purpose, under heaven. And at each stage, no matter how painful the idea of leaving was, what came next was so much better than I could have planned or imagined...so I'm going with the likelihood that, given just a little bit more patience, that is going to happen again.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29v11

So that was 2007...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Took communion for the first time...went to Spring Harvest...sang in church...went on the London Eye...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2008? Er, no, and no. Well, actually, I might. I might make myself work really hard and get my First. I might read all the books for just one of my courses. I might have a 100% attendance for a lecture series. But then again...I might not.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yep!! Mrs Warren-Heys had little Emily, our CT baby, and Mr & Mrs Burns had their little one in July :)

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully not this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Um, Skegness?? Nothing exciting this year...I took root in Egham instead.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Ah who knows. To be brave enough to stand on my own two feet would be nice...would give Richard & Gings a break at the very least!!

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? my birthday, which was as close to perfect as its ever been...Spring Harvest, which was just amazing (Cooked Breakfasts will never be the same again)...Ashburnum, which was a turning point for me in so many ways...the FLOODZONE, which caused me THE most stress I've ever felt, but was so amazing that it more than made up for it...the Royal Albert Hall with Matt & Hodge, which was totally awe-inspiring and helped me make up my mind about getting a real job

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Flying solo on the Sound Desk

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting flu and ruining my attempt at 100% attendance of my lectures (N.B. It was a pretty good year as they go, clearly!!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No major dramas

11. What was the best thing you bought? Its blatantly going to involve some sort of clothing or shoes...

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Anyone who's come in to contact with me for managing to put up with me and the dramas that seem to surround me?? lol. But seriously, assorted surrogate parents who deserve BIG medals for not giving up on me, RJ for being generally fantastic and keeping me (more or less) in line, Mr Hoe for being the best Godfather a girl could have, and Little B for just being my Little B. Oh, and Namy for not killing me at a number of different points throughout the year :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Er, lets not. Not helpful.

14. Where did most of your money go? Clothes. And shoes. And clothes and shoes. And Cafe Neros.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? LOL where to start?? Erm, in no particular order, my birthday, Sound Desk Training (yes Richard, also the first time my name appeared on the Sound Rota), Strictly Come Dancing (because I'm actually totally tradge), going on the London Eye...there's blatantly other things; I'm sure the usual people will feel the need to add to this list.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007? "Go Peaceful" coz of Ashburnum, anything by MIKA, but mostly Grace Kelly coz of the Alpha Bus of Fun, the Fratellis from my extended road trip down the M4 with Ria.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier :)
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner :) I never sit still for long enough to put any fat on these days!!
c) Richer or poorer? Significantly poorer. But the babysitting money always comes in useful!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Uni Work, as ever. But even so, I still figure life is too short!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Panicking and stressing...I'm sure there are others that feel that too!!!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Trying not to kill my brother at my parent's house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? No, not really. There's still time though...

22. How many one-night stands? I can safely say none at all.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Need you ask? Really?? Saturday nights in our house will never be the same again (a fact I fear Hannah will be rather glad of...)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? The worst thing you can feel is indifference...hate means you still care.

25. What was the best book you read? Harry Potter 7, no question.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mika. And The Fratellis.

27. What did you want and get? Again, it probably involved clothes and shoes. And Nigella Express and Casino Royale on DVD.

28. What did you want and not get? A MacBookPro.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Atonement. No question.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Had a party chez ours, all dressed in red, and I was 20.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Various people dropping off the face of the earth?? No?? OK then, a first would have been nice!!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Generally fantastic.

33. What kept you sane? Jacks Fish & Chips. I kid you not...when all is going wrong, they could be relied on, 100%.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Tough call between Matthew Cutler and Daniel Craig. Both eminently attainable I would say...

35. What political issue stirred you the most? the fact that The West Wing isn't real

36. Who did you miss? Keren. Like CRAZY.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Without doubt, my Spring Harvest girls (I know that's more than one, but I can't leave one of them out, that would be mean!!)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: that I actually can stand on my own two feet. I surprise even myself at times.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus You are all I need
Clinging to the cross"