Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Honestly OK?

So because I'm a girl, when I was feeling a bit down tonight, I called someone who can, without fail, cheer me up. I caught them at a slightly inconvenient moment, and as a result, the conversation was a mere formality while I asked my question (a.k.a the thinly veiled excuse to call), I got an answer (which admittedly didn't really help with cheering me up) and that was that. Five minutes later, got a txt asking if I was ok. Obviously at this point I said no, I wasn't, I was unhappy about leaving & wanted to talk to someone who understood. *Ahem* Or not. Being the girl that I am, of course I txt back saying I was fine. And then got angry & even more upset when that didn't get a response.

Now, you may argue that he's a boy & wouldn't have known that fine means anything but (especially if we take it with its literal translation of Female, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional) blah blah blah, but the worst thing about it?? I've done it to him so many times that I guess now he looks at it & takes it at face value. I've made it such hard work for him to care about me & try to look after me that I actually drive him a little further away every time I do it.

When I got home, I must've read four or five blogs all with the same message - tell people how you feel, its ok show your emotions, stop bottling it all up...so I'm here to echo that. You can't be unhappy that people seem not to care if you won't let them care about you. The walls you've put up to try & protect you, the things you've made part of your life to try and fulfil you, even the people you gather around you mean nothing if you won't let yourself be loved.

Best of all though - the knowledge that if I hadn't been so stupidly female, he would've called me back to make me smile again. I really should start letting him.

Love, etc.
xx

3 comments:

laurwilk said...

Thanks for the comment!

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all do it! I agree though, let him in. It'll be worth it.

I look forward to reading future posts!!

LeLe said...

Ain't it fun being a girl? :) Hope things go better next time.

tara said...

hey.. love your blog.. thanks for sharing and for dropping by mine the other day as well.. I added you to my google reader. have an amazing day. :)