So that was 2007...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Took communion for the first time...went to Spring Harvest...sang in church...went on the London Eye...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2008? Er, no, and no. Well, actually, I might. I might make myself work really hard and get my First. I might read all the books for just one of my courses. I might have a 100% attendance for a lecture series. But then again...I might not.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yep!! Mrs Warren-Heys had little Emily, our CT baby, and Mr & Mrs Burns had their little one in July :)

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully not this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Um, Skegness?? Nothing exciting this year...I took root in Egham instead.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Ah who knows. To be brave enough to stand on my own two feet would be nice...would give Richard & Gings a break at the very least!!

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? my birthday, which was as close to perfect as its ever been...Spring Harvest, which was just amazing (Cooked Breakfasts will never be the same again)...Ashburnum, which was a turning point for me in so many ways...the FLOODZONE, which caused me THE most stress I've ever felt, but was so amazing that it more than made up for it...the Royal Albert Hall with Matt & Hodge, which was totally awe-inspiring and helped me make up my mind about getting a real job

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Flying solo on the Sound Desk

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting flu and ruining my attempt at 100% attendance of my lectures (N.B. It was a pretty good year as they go, clearly!!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No major dramas

11. What was the best thing you bought? Its blatantly going to involve some sort of clothing or shoes...

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Anyone who's come in to contact with me for managing to put up with me and the dramas that seem to surround me?? lol. But seriously, assorted surrogate parents who deserve BIG medals for not giving up on me, RJ for being generally fantastic and keeping me (more or less) in line, Mr Hoe for being the best Godfather a girl could have, and Little B for just being my Little B. Oh, and Namy for not killing me at a number of different points throughout the year :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Er, lets not. Not helpful.

14. Where did most of your money go? Clothes. And shoes. And clothes and shoes. And Cafe Neros.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? LOL where to start?? Erm, in no particular order, my birthday, Sound Desk Training (yes Richard, also the first time my name appeared on the Sound Rota), Strictly Come Dancing (because I'm actually totally tradge), going on the London Eye...there's blatantly other things; I'm sure the usual people will feel the need to add to this list.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007? "Go Peaceful" coz of Ashburnum, anything by MIKA, but mostly Grace Kelly coz of the Alpha Bus of Fun, the Fratellis from my extended road trip down the M4 with Ria.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier :)
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner :) I never sit still for long enough to put any fat on these days!!
c) Richer or poorer? Significantly poorer. But the babysitting money always comes in useful!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Uni Work, as ever. But even so, I still figure life is too short!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Panicking and stressing...I'm sure there are others that feel that too!!!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Trying not to kill my brother at my parent's house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? No, not really. There's still time though...

22. How many one-night stands? I can safely say none at all.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Need you ask? Really?? Saturday nights in our house will never be the same again (a fact I fear Hannah will be rather glad of...)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? The worst thing you can feel is indifference...hate means you still care.

25. What was the best book you read? Harry Potter 7, no question.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mika. And The Fratellis.

27. What did you want and get? Again, it probably involved clothes and shoes. And Nigella Express and Casino Royale on DVD.

28. What did you want and not get? A MacBookPro.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Atonement. No question.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Had a party chez ours, all dressed in red, and I was 20.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Various people dropping off the face of the earth?? No?? OK then, a first would have been nice!!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Generally fantastic.

33. What kept you sane? Jacks Fish & Chips. I kid you not...when all is going wrong, they could be relied on, 100%.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Tough call between Matthew Cutler and Daniel Craig. Both eminently attainable I would say...

35. What political issue stirred you the most? the fact that The West Wing isn't real

36. Who did you miss? Keren. Like CRAZY.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Without doubt, my Spring Harvest girls (I know that's more than one, but I can't leave one of them out, that would be mean!!)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: that I actually can stand on my own two feet. I surprise even myself at times.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus You are all I need
Clinging to the cross"

You know you belong when you are missed...

So, the other night at First Priority Marcus came out with this epic line you know you belong when you are missed. It reminded me of what one of my mates had been saying only a little while previously, and I sent it on to said person and reduced them to tears.

I've spent the vast majority of this week having that phrase running round my head, and having exactly the same reaction Jude did...I think its fair to say...I totally and utterly belong in Egham and you guys have just proved it to me over and over again
x

Laughter...

Its amazing what you learn when you actually listen in a seminar...apparently by laughing, we're avoiding revolution. Or something. I wasn't listening that carefully, I just like the quote he gave us at the end:

"laughter could never become an instrument to oppress the people. It always remained a free weapon in their hand"

So, Live. Laugh. Love. Can't hurt, right?
x

Hmm...

We Ask Ourselves, Who Am I To Be Brilliant,
Gorgeous, Talented And Fabulous
Actually, Who Are You Not To Be
You Are A Child Of God
Your Playing Small Doesn’t Serve The World.
There Is Nothing Enlightened About Shrinking
So That Other People
Won’t Feel Insecure Around You.

We Were Born To Make Manifest
The Glory Of God That Is Within Us.
It’s Not Just In Some Of Us; It’s In Everyone.
And When We Let Our Own Light Shine,
We Unconsciously Give Other People
Permission To Do The Same.
As We Are Liberated From Our Own Fear,
Our Presence Automatically Liberates Others.

I'm not his biggest fan, but on this one, Nelson Mandela had it just about right
x

Ponderings....

What I realised today...

the truth of the phrase "a friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope"

and also that a hug says everything that words can't.

xx

Having another moment...

Sitting on a slow train to Waterloo means you get through an awful lot of songs on an mp3 player. And getting vaguely travel sick if you read anything means that all you really have to do for an hour is look out the window and listen to what you're listening to. If that makes sense. Normally my music is there to prevent silence, rather than for me to focus on, but just occasionally, like on the train this morning, I'll actually stop and listen to what I'm listening to.

A couple of situations this weekend have made me realise how God has His hand on my life, most of the time without me having a clue, but today I found the Casting Crowns song "In Me" so powerful...

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

Says it all really
xx

Why do people let me near a blog when I'm in this kind of mood??

So. That was my second year. I got my pass/fails this afternoon, which means that my second year is officially over. It feels...weird. It doesn't feel like its the end of term tomorrow, but then it hasn't felt like term time since lectures finished in March, so that's hardly surprising. In a way, term just...ending...is a bit of an anti-climax. So much has happened this year that for term to just finish is really odd. Having said that, any of you who have been around me in the past week or so will have heard the comment "term ends on Friday...what have we done this year?" so many times that you quite possibly want to gag me. More than usual I mean.

But genuinely...what have I done this year?? Its gone so quickly...feels like just a few months ago that Johnny & Sacha got married, but it's their wedding anniversary on Sunday; it doesn't feel like a year since we did The Big Top, but now we're full in the throes of planning The Flood Zone (N.B. I feel it is pertinent to point out that this time last year, being the worship Co-ordinator for the Holiday Club was one of the last things on EARTH I would have seen myself doing but, you know, things change...) it doesn't feel like a year since I moved out of Kingswood, but it feels like we've lived in this house forever.

In a way, everything has changed, but in some ways, very little has. I still don't do enough work for my degree, I still procrastinate like a flippin' pro (actually, come to think of it, that *has* changed this year...I've got better at it...) I still have fantastic losses of perspective on life, my friends, my work & just about everything else. But I know for myself that I'm a lot more confident than I was this time last year, I'm a lot stronger than I was this time last year and I sleep a lot more than I did last year (both at night and during the day, just to clarify. Although, probably more daytime nap-age than more proper sleep if I'm honest...)

What else?? Friendships are different...some have come, some gone & some changed beyond recognition. I finally learnt the true meaning of the phrase "friends are for seasons". I always hated it because it meant that some of my friendships would lessen/end at the end of their time. What my special *special* Laura-logic brain didn't then follow it up with was that friendships will also BEGIN in a season when they are needed, when the time is right. I still don't like the idea that my friendships will change, because I rely on my friends so much & they are such a huge part of who I am, but I can also see how some friends are always going to be there, no matter what might happen between us, they ain't going nowhere.

I learnt a lot about people this year. I learnt that not everyone sees the world in the same face-value way that I do (some would say naive...I prefer trusting...) (neither one avoids the pain & heartache that comes with discovering you're wrong though...) I've had enough of Christian politics to last me a lifetime (so yes, of course, I've just been co-opted on to the PCC at church...) and I've realised how slow I am to actually LEARN things and remember them...and we're not talking uni stuff. Case in point...I'm having a hysterical moment to someone on MSN, and they go "so this verse has just come to mind that might help you" then quote 2 Corinthians 12v9 at me. I sit on MSN day in day out with that reference staring me in the face, but do I ever actually stop and believe it?? Maybe I should try it sometime. My next aim...to stop and think more. Much more. Thinking about others, thinking about myself. Just thinking.

I only realised a couple of weeks ago how much people appreciate the little txts, the Facebook messages, the random crap sent to them to make them smile - I only realised it when people did it for me when I needed it. Until you're get one, you don't realise how much your little action has meant. Its so un-hard to drop someone a txt to let them know you're thinking of them, but only when it happens to you when you need it most do you realise *just* how much that simple act can help someone. People are strange *strange* creatures...we'll never fully understand anyone apart from ourselves. If we ever truly understand ourselves. Which in some cases (especially mine) is a highly doubtful occurrence.

Speaking of doubtful occurrences...things I never thought would happen this year - happily handing over my Presidency, spending so much time in Egham & so little time at home, leading groups at Spring Harvest (Strength will rise as we WAIT upon the Lord), getting so many books out the library and *actually* reading them for my essays, surviving what was, at times, the year from hell. But fully enjoying what has also been the best so far.

How else to sum up this year??

Another year older

A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than a year ago today

Kinda says it all really. But HA! why write in 3 lines what I could write in *counts* *gives up* a lot more??

And like I said...WHY do people let me near my blog when I'm in this kind of mood??

Too much thinking...time to act??

Too much thinking can be really really bad for you. No jokes. Our house and our immediate friends went through this stage a few weeks back of fixating on books about relationships...not the healthiest thing I could have done with my time at that stage. Reading a book about how to have a good Christian relationship isn't the best thing to do when you're single...it just makes you realise *just* how much discerning (pickier) we have to be with our guys, and then, obviously, the lack of said guys to be discerning (picky) over.

However, there was also a lot of good stuff in some of the books that I had been putting off thinking about and sorting out in my head, and that time also encouraged me to do that as well as complain (vociferously) about the lack of decent Christian men who weren't already taken or far too firmly entrenched in my mind as pseudo-brothers to even consider in "that" way.

The book that got me thinking the most was Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. It is, admittedly, very American, and a little too cheesy for my liking in places, but there are also some amazingly deep parts that made me stop and think. It encourages us not to cast our pearls (ourselves and our hearts) before swine (people who are unworthy of them). Stasi describes how she interprets the verse "do not cast your pearls before swine" as Jesus saying, "look, be careful that you do not give something precious to some who, at best, cannot recognise its beauty, or, at worst, will trample on it."

I know I'm very, very much guilty of the latter...I didn't know I believed in the concept of *actually* having your heart broken, but after last year, I'm up there with the best of them saying how much it hurts. Its actually physically painful when you give your heart to someone and they don't see how much you are sacrificing to give it to them. I ignored friends, Lani, my parents, God...and they were all right. But I had to learn. I had to realise, albeit in the hardest way, *just* how precious one person's heart and love for another person is before I could appreciate how important it is that next time I am so much more careful.

I can't begin to describe the conversation I had with Lani about this the other day...and I'm still not entirely sure I believe more than half of what she said...I can't see that I have to potential to be a heart-breaker...I don't believe I need to be careful with people's hearts. Don't get me wrong, I know I should be, but I just don't believe anyone has ever given me their heart in the same throw-yourself-in-at-the-deep-end-even-though-you-can't-swim way that I seem to have done. It's not false modesty, or that annoying "I am not worthy" self-effacing thing that a lot of people seem to do (come on guys, you know me, I'm *more* than worthy) (*jokes*), I just can't see in myself what I see in other people that makes me want to give my heart to them.

I spent so long bouncing from wanting one relationship to another that when I started getting the affirmation and love that I craved so badly, I fell very very hard, and *very* fast and it all got really rather messy. I learnt a lot, but would give *anything* not to ever have to go through it again...what it says in Proverbs is true:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
Proverbs 4v23

My friends need not worry, I'm guarding this little heart as hard as I possibly can...I kid you not that it is locked inside a box which I will be surprised to find opening any time soon. Keren got a bit annoyed with me the other night because she said I'd never be happy if I refused to let people in, but I figure that I'm not so much not refusing to let people in as leaving the door ajar.

This sounds like a very scary "I'm off relationships, leave me alone" blog, and it really wasn't meant to be. I've just been thinking a lot about relationships and what I want and how I'm determined to make sure that next time, whenever that is, I'm not going to cast what I'm (very) slowly coming to see as my pearls where they're not appreciated.

Show me appreciation for them, and I'm yours (Oh come on, you didn't really think I'd end on a deep and serious point like that did you?! fools)

p.s. Yes, I do find it mildly ironic that I spent almost 40 mins writing a blog entitled "too much thinking...time to act??"

p.p.s. But if you read it carefully, you'll have realised that I'm waiting for someone else to act this time, so its not all that ironic after all.

Catching up, Confusion and 2 Corinthians 12v9

So, after having not blogged in, lets be honest, forever, I thought it was about time I forayed back into the blogosphere. However, six months of no blog means there's a lot to blog about, so sit back, make yourselves comfortable and enjoy.

Last term was crazybusy, hence, I argue in my defence, the lack of blog-age. If I had the time to sit still and do nothing, I slept. Learnt a lot though. Learnt enough about people and Christian politics to last me a lifetime, and I don't doubt that it will. Learnt that I can't do this all on my own, learnt to ask for help, learnt to rely on God more than I ever had before. Obviously, there were bad times, lots of them if I'm honest, but they've kind of faded against all the good stuff. I know how blessed I am to have St Johns, and every time I think I've got enough people/care/love/support for one time, someone else pops up to look after me. I started this presidency with a Prayer Support email with 4 people on it. I'm finishing it with one with about 12 names on it, all of whom have been so amazing with the amount of support and prayer and love they've shown me over the year. For a while, my biggest worry about handing over CT was that this support would stop, but then I realised I was being a bit daft (in fact, very stupid), so I stopped thinking that and I'm over it now :)

The idea of handing CT over is, if I'm honest, very very sad, but I know that I need to step back and let someone else take over. I'm being called in a different direction now than I was this time last year, and I need to follow that now rather than hold onto the Presidency for old times sake...doesn't mean its gonna be easy, but there are so many opportunities opening to me that tie in so well with the end of my term as President that I'm not gonna have *too* much time sitting around doing nothing (i.e. working on my degree!! lol)

Which, I guess, brings me on to the confusion. Life is very confusing at the moment...having to make decisions about potential life after uni so I can get the relevant experience this summer or whether I just want to teach or what. The only constant that I'm not budging on is the fact that I'm not leaving St Johns when I graduate, but that isn't helping me so much with working out what I want to do for a job to fund living in this area...

What also isn't helping is that I've spent the vast proportion of this week in a permanent state of "Aaaaaaaaaaaah, dunno what to do" about, well, other things, but I think, at this time, the pertinent thing to do would be to keep quiet and wait for things to come out in the wash. As it were. Patience is not a virtue I have been overly blessed with but as they say, if something is worth having...

My other main issue at the moment is time. I recently got told that if I was too busy to spend time with God, I was too busy. Well, yes. That's a given. But its not always that easy. I know if our faith was meant to be easy, we'd never learn and grow, but come on, would a break now and again be too much to ask for?? Hopefully things are going to calm down soon, but right now, life is going far too fast for me to enjoy much of it - where this term is rapidly disappearing to I have *no* idea, but I know I fully intend to make the most of the time I have left - I'm halfway through my degree, and I don't want to miss the rest of it!!!

So we've done catching up, we've done confusion. That just leaves us with 2 Corinthians 12v9

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

which was given to me by a very wise, very trusted friend. Nothing has helped me more since then than that verse. Any of you who have me on your MSNs will know how much I love that verse, and those of you who talk to me about God stuff (and a few of you who don't) will know how much I rely on it. When things have seemed their bleakest, seeing that verse has made me realise that, if that is true, nothing can be that bad. And it is true - I've learnt the most in the times I found hardest as President, and the best things (the people I've come to know and love etc) have often also come out of those hardest times. If there's one thing I want to pass on when I hand over this Presidency, it's that.

My parting thought is a brief summary of all the other things that I've been thinking about a lot (too much??) recently...

"A woman's heart must be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her"

Says it all really.

Just for Paula...

Seems to me that this blog title should be something more like "Just for Paula...again" or "Because Paula never shuts up". Or maybe "Because Paula is lovely and wants to read my mindless drivel"

Despite claiming to have nothing to blog about, I seem to be doing ok so far!!!

Lulu Land has been a little hectic recently if I'm honest. Haven't really had time to stop and think about myself (woo, how selfless do I sound?!) and tbh, haven't had the *hugest* amount of time to spare for my friends either. Guess they'll start complaining if they don't see me enough...and that hasn't happened yet. Or maybe they don't want to see me so that's why they haven't complained?!?!

*ponders*

Who knows!? Actually, thinking about it friendships this year have gone a bit...odd. The people I thought I'd stay closest to from last year aren't really around so much anymore, and some of those I expected to drift away have got closer...strange really.

Other things that are odd about this year:

• less actual work but MUCH more reading to do
• everyone still being around from last year but not (If that makes any sense at all...)
• everyone having coupled off over the summer leaving us singletons increasingly desperate (yes, I know desperation is unattractive but SERIOUSLY?!?!)
• my Cell not being my Cell. Prayer Time without The Tisdall just isn't the same
• being in a house rather than halls (the number of times I've tried to get a lift back to Kingswood after going out...)
• having to walk halfway round England (ok, Englefield Green) to visit friends who I'm used to living 30 seconds walk from

Ho hum. Guess that's enough oddness for one night, so I shall once again take my leave of the blogosphere, leaving you with some profound thoughts:

Someday your Prince will come - mine took a wrong turning and is too stubborn to ask for directions!!

Dorothy asked the Scarecrow: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain?The scarecrow answered: Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking.

Much love

xx

Testimony

So, testimony. If I thought writing it was hard, I should’ve thought what it would be like actually *doing* it…

Anyway, apparently I’ve got to tell you how I got to the point of wanting to be baptised. Well, I guess you could sum it up with the 3 stages of my Christian life…

Looking round the church, I can see the 3 distinctive groups of people who were involved in each stage, and that is partly why I wanted you all here – so you can understand how you helped me get to, well, right now I guess!!

I first became a Christian in Anna’s Sunday School class when I was about 11…Introducing group one – Everyone here at Drift Rd – Anna, Paul & Sandra, Stan, the whole church family. Everyone.

But then somewhere along the line between 11 and 17, various things meant that when I was ill during the winter of my Upper 6th, I decided, in response to a long talk with my mum about how God would never give me more than I could cope with, that I should "put in some effort on my part". I guess that’s a fairly unorthodox approach to a relationship with God, but there we go!! Mum & Dad aren’t the only people in group 2 though…about the same time I had this discussion with my mum, I was also having some extra physics lessons with Mr Hoe for my retake, and although a couple of people had told me he was "religious" and "did all that church stuff at the weekends with his wife and kids", I’d never asked him about it. The day before my retake, I was very scared (just ask him; I’m not the world’s best physicist) he asked if it would be ok if he prayed for me that night/the next day "because he believed in all that stuff". Something prompted me to tell him that I did too, but the thing I remember most is how impressed I was that he could speak out like that with no idea of my reaction, and I decided that I wanted to be able to do that. One day. I’m still waiting, but I’m sure I will one day!!

So, group 3. Group 3 nearly didn’t get me. I mean, its been said to me so many times now that going to uni will make or break your faith, and when, before I went, Mum & Dad were looking up churches and trying to find out about the RHUL CU, I was less than half-hearted in my reaction. I went to St Johns on my second Sunday because Mum & Dad had found it and it looked alright, and as soon as I walked in, I got pounced on by Susie. I’ve never seen anyone so excited to meet new people, but her welcome meant that I never looked anywhere else AND that I kept going to church. There was definitely some sort of God thing happening in my first few weeks at uni, and when I stop to think about it, I’m still amazed but VERY thankful. Little did I know that less than a year later, I’d be elected President of the Holloway CU and would be helping plan the Student Alpha course for the coming year that had made such a difference to me when I was a Fresher. Mark, Tim, Steve & Alison, Lani and SO many more…I can’t thank you all enough for how you’ve all helped me.

I told my Dad last week that my testimony was turning into an Oscar speech, and I was only half joking. There are so many people who helped me on this journey from the kid who could take or leave church to where I am right now. Looking back, I can see all the people God put in front of me and how patiently he waited and kept giving me these people, knowing that one day, I’d be standing here doing my testimony in front of them all…that’s pretty amazing. So now, trusting the Lord as my Saviour, I want to take the next step in my Christian life and be baptised.

The Future Of The Blog...

So I'm just sitting here, blogging away. But am starting to wonder...how relevant is my blog anymore?? I mean, since Facebook has added it to my Facebook page, no one comes to the proper blog page, no one sees it in all its pink and purple glory, no one comments on it anymore :( Has facebook casued my blog to die a slow and lonely death. Or do I just need to get out more?? lol.

Having put a lot more thought into this blog than the last one (and also being slightly less exhausted than I was for the last one) means that I might be able to write in more depth about what I got out of the Holiday Club. I mean, yeah it was great fun, and was really nice to spend a week living with Lani and Jo, I made so many friends that week, with both the kids and the adults, and some of those friendships I hope will last long past the end of the summer and hopefully in some cases even longer than my time at uni. I am really beginning to feel a part of St Johns now. I've always felt part of the student group, but now I feel like I'm becoming a member of the church community as a whole.

But on a not-quite-so-deep-and-meaningful thought, Rome was AMAZING!!!! Was really good fun...I was amazed at how big St Peters and the Colisseum are...and how dirty your feet can get walking around barefoot on your breakfast terrace *sigh* jetspa baths...lol.I love it. And ohhhhhhhh, HOW lush is Italian Ice-cream??? And *how* lush are Italian Policemen?? *AHEM* I meant Pizza. Italian PIZZA... "uno proschiutto e mozzarella pizza per favore??" good times. And just as a point of information for anyone whom this may concern (bridesmaids, husbands etc etc), I'm going to Rome for my honeymoon. After watching a guy propose to his girlfriend in front of the Trevi Fountain, I've decided its the most romantic city in the world and I want to go back :)

And since Rome?? Not so much!! lol. Lots of faffage in Egham with house stuff. Lots of faffage at home with CT stuff. Back in Egham for good now with lots of faffage for everything. But I love it.

The Royal Land Of Holloway still rocks. So do the people. So do I

xx

The Big Top

Right now I'm sitting in Lani's lounge in London, trying to muster the energy that I'll need to get up at 3.30AM to go to Roma. Don't get me wrong, I can't WAIT to go, I just have very little energy after last week.

And so you ask...what happened last week???? And I answer...you should have been at St John's on Sunday, or actually any day last week and you would have seen it. When I decided to do the holiday club in about April, I didn't think it would be too hard...a few hours everyday, playing with kids and talking a bit about God. How wrong was I?? I ended up singing in the band, running around constantly after a HUGE group of 7/8 yr olds and generally not stopping to sit down from 8.30 to 1.30 every day. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED it, I just slightly underestimated the amount of work/effort/energy it would take.

I also completely underestimated the amount I would get out of it. I mean, for a kids holiday club, I think I grew a fair amount during the week. The thing I noticed most was in the Leader's Worship Sess on Friday when I was watching all the adults I'd got to know during the week and realised how much St John's has done for me since September. It kinda scared me when I stopped to think how different things might have been without it...

Which brings me full circle to where this blog started...without St John's, I wouldn't be sitting in Lani's lounge waiting to go to Rome with such an amazing friend. I wouldn't be getting baptised in September. I wouldn't be President of CT. In short, I wouldn't be what I now am. And I kinda like me.

xx

And so it ends. Again. But this time it really is over...

I thought, since this is my last night in Kingswood, I should do myself the honour of staying up until the early hours procrastinating on the internet. Am actually trying very hard not to get emotional as I'm writing this, because I never believed that I could get so attached to a place I didn't even want to come to. If someone had said to me the night before I left home last September that I didn't have to go, then I wouldn't have. And I'd never have met the people I now consider my best friends. I certainly didn't believe that I'd reach the end of the year and not want it to end. I want to go home, I miss home a lot, but I want to stay. I don't want people to leave, I don't want things to change.

A life without Snance, Lani and Jo seems like a very odd life, but this time last year, we'd never even met each other. I've met so many amazing people this year...Kingswood people, St John's people, random people who have become very good friends. This is what uni is all about...finding out who you are as a person and deciding what you want to become. I couldn't have done that this year without *all* you guys...but there are some that really deserve a special mention, some obvious, some less so!!!

Snance - ties for most obvious person to thank this year. So I'm not gonna hang around and get mushy :) I'm just gonna say THANKYOU!!!! I love you lots and lots and lots and then some more. I'd better see lots of you over the summer...clear out your diary after September 11th for a couple of days...if you don't know why, you don't deserve my friendship anymore *cough* apples & peanut butter *cough*

Lani - also another candidate for most obvious thanks. Awesome Cell leader, awesome friend. Just awesome really. I also love you muchly and will see you soooooooooooooooon my Roman holiday girly :D :D Or perhaps sooner (nudge nudge, wink wink)

Jo B - seriously, the best big sister a girl could have. I don't care whether she's actually my sister or not, she just rocks. I still haven't quite worked out what I'm going to do without her next year...get back to me on that one.

The Tisdall - another AWESOME cell leader, despite what he claims to the contrary. I don't care that he's had his own issues this year...they just meant he could understand mine so much better, and he knew what to say (And when I say I don't care he's had issues, that isn't quite what I meant!!) Plan A dude. You rock, and somewhere deep inside, you know that!!

Tim - another legend of this year. So so many times you've picked up the pieces and put them back together to form some sort of resmblance of me. At times, dunno what I would have done if you hadn't been there. Anytime you fancy a pint, the next one is on me. Its the least I can do, and it nowhere near symbolises how greatful I am to you for everything you've done this year. But its a start.

Becca - Mummy Becca who looked after me on my first night when all I wanted to do was go home. And who's continued to look after me since. Next year will SUCK without you and Hannah living 2 mins walk away from me...but I *will* still see you, and NO-ONE will stop that!! lol. Nuff said there I think!!! Love you mumma *hugs*

John - some may say an odd choice to thank, but I really want to say thanks for an amazing year. Things might have gone wrong now, but for a long time, you were one of my best friends, and I really value the times you were there for me. There were points last term where you kept me going, and elections night was one of the best nights I've had at uni so far. Take care dude, and maybe sometime we'll be able to work out our friendship. I hope so, but I'm not gonna force it.

Who else?? Hannah for all those Deal Or Not Deal sessions and just for generally being Hannah, Na for those late night MSNs and for being the most amazing housemate-in-training (as it were), my Committee who keep telling me I'm doing good, even when I continue not to believe them, Kathy for talking sense into me, and Claire for picking up the pieces after Kathy's tough love approach, my Name Twin, Rob, Jo, Sarah, Emma and all my other B block babes, my St Johns Cru, Ben K, Paula and Susie

So many special people, so many special memories. I actually can't express in words how I feel about this year. I've changed so much, mostly for the better. I've learnt SO much about myself, other people and the world in general. I've loved and had my heart broken; I've learnt to become more cautious about who I let in, but also learnt not to keep everyone out.

You grieve you learn

You choke you learn

You laugh you learn

You choose you learn

You pray you learn

You ask you learn

You live you learn

Things I have learnt in the past few days...

Once again dear readers...I return to the blogosphere for some pointless nonsense when I should be doing something more useful, like writing a UCCF email or emailing Jeff&Tim...ah well!!! This is much more fun!!!! And provides entertainment for many a reader, whereas my emails can only entertain (or otherwise) one person at a time...so I see blogging as my utilitarian duty of the day. Shall I get on with it now?? Yes?? OK.

There are, quite simply, two sets of lyrics that have taught me well in the past fews days...one with a serious point, one with a BLINDINGLY obvious point...

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
Oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked…
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own...
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…

And the other one...


You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right I took your words
And I believed In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them up
Cause they're all wrong I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

But which one, dear readers, is which?? I leave you with that quandry as I return to my ever present emails...

I got a nice Teddy Bear out of it...

I have, dear readers, reached a decision. The hideous complication is over. No more am I to be hideous or confused about it (there's something wrong with that statement... *thinks* lol.) *ahem* anyway.

My previous blogs I Deserve So Much Better and Music Is My Memory have shown me leading up to this...and finally dear readers...I am here :) Maybe not every hour of every day, but my overwhelming mood is one of WHATEVER!!! (with optional hand gesture...) (No Paula, not *that* sort of hand gesture...I meant the W one...)

In rather a philosophical mood about it all really, and I got a *really* nice teddy bear out of it!!!

Music is my memory...

In the past few days, one of the things that has helped me most has been various bits of music that people have pointed me towards, because when I stop to think about it, music is, and always will be my memory. If there's a point that needs to be made, I'll remember it for a lot longer if it's associated with a song.

And so, in no particular order, a few songs that have come to mean rather a lot to me in the past week or so:

Sometimes Im clueless and Im clumsy

But Ive got friends that love me

And they know just where I stand

Its all a part of me

And thats who I am

So when I make a big mistake

When I fall flat on my face

I know Ill be alright

Should my tender heart be broken

I will cry those teardrops knowin

I will be just fine

cause nothin changes who I am

Lani has literally just introduced me to that one, but as soon as I looked at the lyrics, I knew exactly which bit reminded her of me. And it's true...nothing changes who I am. Whether my friends understand me and support me, or if they turn away and don't help, it doesn't matter. I'm still me, and, at the end of the day, people can like it or lump it!! I need to stop caring so much about what people think about me and look after number one for a while.

Which brings me nicely on to Sarah's song for me:

I don't need you to

Tell me i'm pretty to make me feel beautiful

I don't need you to

Give me your strength to make me feel i'm strong

I got all of this strength that I need hereinside my own two hands

All that I want is your love and respect for who I am

What I really need

Comes from deep inside of me

Don't need you to tell me i'm pretty to make me feel beautiful

Don't need you to make me strong cuz i'm strong all on my own

Doesn't come from outside

This beauty I know

Comes from inside my soul

Tacky singer, but actually, the words need to be said. My blog from the other day (Just Because They're Them) shows the people who are helping me, but actually, all they're doing is showing me what I already know how to do, I've just forgotten right now and so need a loving kick back in the right direction.

The next one comes courtesy of our friendly chaplain, who, when I was being really rather rude about his taste in music, pointed out to me the lyrics of one Jack Johnson where he sings

And maybe you been through this before

But its my first time

So please ignore

The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you

I cant always be playing playing your fool

I keep playing your cardsBut its not my scene

Wont this plot not twist?

I have no place to read?

Keep building me up, then shooting me down

Well im already down

Just wait a minute

Just sitting waiting

Just wait a minute

Just sitting waiting

And, really, the ultimate put down:

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...

My mind...my mind...

'Til I find somebody new

Love it. Almost as much as I love all my amazing friends. But not quite that much, because that can't be put into words

xx

Just because they're them...

Couldn't have done the past few days without them. Or without this one:

Just thought I'd tell the world how wonderful my three bestest girlies are.

I deserve so much better...

Ho hum. Now I've returned from my attempt to run away and avoid the problem, I thought I should probably blog again. For regular readers, what comes next may come as something of a shock. Except for those of you who have had the misfortune to be on the end of a phone or MSN to me in the past two days, because between you, you've said it all anyway. Lulu land has not been the best place to be recently, despite Lovely Day and Lovely Day mark 2, and whilst this isn't necessarily a blog of details (because that wouldn't help the situation at all), it *is* a blog of immense thanks.

I've done a *lot* of realising in the past few days. Realising who my friends really are, realising how much they all care about me, and finally, possbly, maybe, realising how valued I am. Learning that I deserve so much better than I've been getting recently from some friends and the way I've been treated recently says nothing about who I am as a person, but says much more about who my "friends" are. When I say friends, at the moment I use the word in the loosest sense. Or perhaps the past tense. I don't know; I wish I did, because then perhaps it would be easier to deal with.

I find it vaguely ironic that my music right now is God Only Knows by The Beach Boys, coz I know for sure that I couldn't have got through the past few days without certain people, so I'm finding the lyrics for that pretty poignant right now

If you should ever leave me

Well life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows

I've also found those lyrics have much more meaning in other ways too, namely, God only knows. Now for most people, that's just a saying, but I *know* that God gave me these amazing people around me; its his way of giving me the strength I need to get through each day at the moment. All the time I was at home, I was thinking of a song that I've always loved, but today and for the next few days, will be really special to me:

Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed renewed

Flowing from the grace that I found

In You

Lord I've come to know

The weakness I see in me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle

And I will soar with You

Your Spirit leads me on

By the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes

Let me see You face to face

The knowledge of Your love as You live

In me

Lord renew my mind

As Your will unfolds my life

In living every day

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And so, the immense thanks:

- Jo B for sending me the sweetest email that caused me to cry (a lot) when I read it, and for caring about me so much. For being the most amazing sister I never had, and just generally for loving me.

- Sarah N for spending so much time talking to me on Thursday before I left, and for speaking out very bravely in telling me what needed to be said, not what I needed to hear. She's about the only person who can get away with telling it to me that straight, and it worked. Well, it is working. Slowly. But its working.

- Tim for just being Tim. Managing to make me laugh when all I felt like doing was crying, and really, just for caring about me!! For understanding completely my need to leave, and for sending me a message telling me to take care of myself. Which also made me cry, but that's not saying much at the moment.

- Lani for being one of the best friends a girl could have, and for the knowledge that she's there every minute of every day should I need her.

Me running home on Thursday was completely out of character; I don't run from problems, I solve them, but this one is taking some pretty hefty work to solve. I know it's not going to happen over night. There are gonna be good days and bad days, I'm gonna get upset, but I'm also not going to let it ruin the rest of what otherwise has been the most perfect year.

And finally...because I'm listening to it right now and because I need to remember it:

I'm sick, I'm tired of staying in control

Oh yes, I feel a rat upon a wheel

I've got to no what's not and what is real

Oh yes, I'm sorry I digressed

Impressed you're dressed to SOS

Oh, and my parents love me

Oh, and my girlfriends love me

Oh, they keep photos of me

Oh, thats enough love for me

Lovely Day Mark 2...

When I say lovely day...lovely afternoon. Could have done without the 3 1/4 hour exam this morning, but it went ok, so lets not complain *too* much....

Once again, the loveliness of the day was down to the BEEYOOTIFUL sunshine...after my exam me, my little Afro Matt and Dan headed to Crosslands for lunch...sat in the Quad. Didn't move from said Quad for FOUR hours. Don't get me wrong, I varied my company suitably across those four hours - Jo, Tim, Matt, Stina...ok, so not much variance, but some very lovely time spent with some very lovely people.

As I said to Lani, revision level = zero. Happiness level = 100. Which is something to be encouraged after the past couple of days. As various people (Sarah and Lani, and Tim actually) could tell you, I haven't been the happiest of bunnies recently...hideous complications and all. Today, however, just cemented in my mind what I already really knew - its people like Jo and Tim and Sarah and Lani an Na who I need around me. Not people who bring me down (naming no names, but hey, doubt he's reading it anyway...its got my name on it). For the past two days, everything has set me off almost in tears - music, films, even Facebook upset me at one point...but things are on the up. More time with "good" people and very little time wasted on those who don't care about me!!

I'm now getting told to go to bed left, right and centre, so I'm gonna head off...can't wait until exams are OVER and I can stay up for as long as I like and sleep in until I wake up... *sigh*

much love

me

xx