Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Too much thinking...time to act??

Too much thinking can be really really bad for you. No jokes. Our house and our immediate friends went through this stage a few weeks back of fixating on books about relationships...not the healthiest thing I could have done with my time at that stage. Reading a book about how to have a good Christian relationship isn't the best thing to do when you're single...it just makes you realise *just* how much discerning (pickier) we have to be with our guys, and then, obviously, the lack of said guys to be discerning (picky) over.

However, there was also a lot of good stuff in some of the books that I had been putting off thinking about and sorting out in my head, and that time also encouraged me to do that as well as complain (vociferously) about the lack of decent Christian men who weren't already taken or far too firmly entrenched in my mind as pseudo-brothers to even consider in "that" way.

The book that got me thinking the most was Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. It is, admittedly, very American, and a little too cheesy for my liking in places, but there are also some amazingly deep parts that made me stop and think. It encourages us not to cast our pearls (ourselves and our hearts) before swine (people who are unworthy of them). Stasi describes how she interprets the verse "do not cast your pearls before swine" as Jesus saying, "look, be careful that you do not give something precious to some who, at best, cannot recognise its beauty, or, at worst, will trample on it."

I know I'm very, very much guilty of the latter...I didn't know I believed in the concept of *actually* having your heart broken, but after last year, I'm up there with the best of them saying how much it hurts. Its actually physically painful when you give your heart to someone and they don't see how much you are sacrificing to give it to them. I ignored friends, Lani, my parents, God...and they were all right. But I had to learn. I had to realise, albeit in the hardest way, *just* how precious one person's heart and love for another person is before I could appreciate how important it is that next time I am so much more careful.

I can't begin to describe the conversation I had with Lani about this the other day...and I'm still not entirely sure I believe more than half of what she said...I can't see that I have to potential to be a heart-breaker...I don't believe I need to be careful with people's hearts. Don't get me wrong, I know I should be, but I just don't believe anyone has ever given me their heart in the same throw-yourself-in-at-the-deep-end-even-though-you-can't-swim way that I seem to have done. It's not false modesty, or that annoying "I am not worthy" self-effacing thing that a lot of people seem to do (come on guys, you know me, I'm *more* than worthy) (*jokes*), I just can't see in myself what I see in other people that makes me want to give my heart to them.

I spent so long bouncing from wanting one relationship to another that when I started getting the affirmation and love that I craved so badly, I fell very very hard, and *very* fast and it all got really rather messy. I learnt a lot, but would give *anything* not to ever have to go through it again...what it says in Proverbs is true:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
Proverbs 4v23

My friends need not worry, I'm guarding this little heart as hard as I possibly can...I kid you not that it is locked inside a box which I will be surprised to find opening any time soon. Keren got a bit annoyed with me the other night because she said I'd never be happy if I refused to let people in, but I figure that I'm not so much not refusing to let people in as leaving the door ajar.

This sounds like a very scary "I'm off relationships, leave me alone" blog, and it really wasn't meant to be. I've just been thinking a lot about relationships and what I want and how I'm determined to make sure that next time, whenever that is, I'm not going to cast what I'm (very) slowly coming to see as my pearls where they're not appreciated.

Show me appreciation for them, and I'm yours (Oh come on, you didn't really think I'd end on a deep and serious point like that did you?! fools)

p.s. Yes, I do find it mildly ironic that I spent almost 40 mins writing a blog entitled "too much thinking...time to act??"

p.p.s. But if you read it carefully, you'll have realised that I'm waiting for someone else to act this time, so its not all that ironic after all.


Nao xx said...

Good stuff...as long as my Lulu is happy it's all good. :) xx

Lani Christine said...

Aww my Baby Robins is growin up. Love you xxxx

t said...

No matter how much we're told, we always end up learning some things the hard way - FACT.

I think it's got something to do with chlorine bonding. By the way check out http://www.bbc.co.uk/drama/spooks/spooksexpert_questions_9.shtml#1 for more about that one!