Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Never Say Never...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Random Acts of Kindness
Friday, November 27, 2009
The Lighthouse
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Castles In The Air
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Ever Mine, Ever Thine, Ever Ours
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Skip to the end...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Green Screening
A little of the magic has gone.
Love, etc.
xx
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Culture Clash
authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the
ugly; things to praise, not things to curse"
Phillippians 4v8 (The Message)
xx
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Words
you is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it"
Love, etc.
xx
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Smells like home
Smells are strangely evocative things - fresh grass equalling the summer, even if its still only March. The precious talc-y baby smell left on your clothes after cuddling the kids. The smell of The Drummer's parents house meaning total relaxation and peace. Smells always mean something; they always come with memories.
Home has many smells these days - The Drummer's aftershave, my parents house when I get home after being away, St Johns when you're the first one in on a Saturday. Each and every one has its memory; each one is home to me.
Love, etc.
xx
Monday, October 05, 2009
Relationships
the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing;
one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both
partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship
can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic.
The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static
balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance"
Gregory Godek
Balance is necessary - a relationship doesn't succeed without equality. I'm not his Spare Rib for nothing.
Love, etc.
xx
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Pointless or, Pity Party for One?
The only thing stopping this pity party for one is the knowledge in the back of my mind that, however pointless I feel that there must be a purpose for me somewhere. Right now, I can't see it. I have no idea why my patience is being tested in so many different ways. I have no idea what I'm meant to be learning. I have no idea why things are being given with one hand and taken away with the next leaving me splitting my life between 2 counties, not fitting in in either, with no money to speak of to my name.
I have no answers. And to be honest, I'm surprised I found this many words.
Love, etc.
xx
p.s. I may have been overstating when I said the pity party was being held at bay. Clearly it is not.
xx
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Grace, or That's Called Growing Up Kiddo
Its all well and good being gracious when life is easy, but that's not entirely the point of grace. Having a tantrum is easy. Being gracious is not. Realising what I have, both on earth and in my God, made me realise in turn that I should have no option.
Being gracious isn't a choice, it should be the norm. But MAN is that hard.
Love, etc.
xx
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Readjustment
It wasn't just my brother's wedding. It was the day I got a sister...
There was a whole lot of hanging out with the gang...
and from a source I never thought I'd here it from again, I was reminded that
Readjustments. Sometimes they're not all bad.
Love, etc.
xx
Monday, August 31, 2009
Left Behind
As Winnie The Pooh once said,
Christopher Robin: what part is that?
Pooh: When "you" and "me" become "we"
I think there's a lot to be learnt about love from the wisdom of a little bear
Love, etc.
xx
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Mugs
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Unexpected
Monday, August 10, 2009
Understanding
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Unaware
However, perhaps one of my favourite pictures of the day was this one:
However, the picture is also incredibly apt for the latter of the two, given that that is the view of me that The Drummer was probably most used to before we started going out - as the drummer of our band, he was watching my back (sometimes, it turns out, literally) while my thoughts were miles away elsewhere.
He waited for my thoughts (and for me) to turn round to him. Sometimes in life we're not that lucky...maybe I should start being more careful.
Love, etc.
xx
Friday, July 10, 2009
Patience
After a week of doubting pretty much everything, I guess I really needed to hear this today - that there IS a plan and that the right thing will happen at the right time. Its really hard when something you thought was an answer to prayer seems to have become something so vastly different. I make no pretence of understanding why, but given everything else He's given me, I don't think I'm really in a place to complain.
Love, etc.
xx
p.s. Although when I say doubting everything, I mean everything apart from said Drummer. Of him, there is no doubt at all at all
xx
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Its A Small, Small World
Everytime I hear stories like this, it makes me think of the quote
angels unawares.
Hebrews 13v2
Love, etc.
xx
Friday, July 03, 2009
Lessons in Time, or, Perspective & Priorities
per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa,
Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein"
H. Jackson Brown
And so another metaphorical kick up the backside trundled along today, right on cue (as per usual)
It would have been so easy today to be all "woe is me, work was so hard" but instead, said butt kick reminded me that actually, time today was well spent. Huge amounts of things were done (not least a combined total of 33 rows of those BLESSED seats across 3 assemblies and 2 shows) and not just work stuff, but also the little things, like taking the time to find some Jelly Tots for Little Miss Dance. And in fact, being her runner all day because she had so much to sort out. And taking time to go to "the gym" after school to hang out with (who are swiftly becoming) The Usual Suspects (who take their workouts so seriously they can always be found in the beer garden around 4pm on a Friday) And then finding time to have pizza with Little Miss Dance and Maestro before shoehorning in some one-on-one time with the quieter of my two prefects helping her learn just one more little thing at a time.
Just one of these things should have made it a good day - how lucky am I that I got to do them all? It really is all about perspective. These people were my priority today - helping them, teaching them, valuing them, and somehow, that seemed to bless me too. And hey, I'm *more* than happy with that happening!!
Its not always about the great achievements. Sometimes its just about the little things.
Love, etc.
xx
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
View from the other side...
Hebrews 1v1
Love, etc.
xx
Friday, June 19, 2009
Topical much?!
I should have known last time as I settled comfortably into my seat last time he preached, thinking "oh the kids will enjoy this - its great to hear him again and have him give them such a good preach" that it was coming - you'd think I'd've learnt by now that God pretty much always uses my sermon-related complacency to whack me around the head with a sledge-hammer.
That night's topic was shalom and chatt'at (basically God's peace and then the very opposite - chaos/disorder) in the context of in our lives, there is a lot of chatt'at, and as Christians, we have shalom, and should bring it to our own chatt'at and to that of those around us. We can pray all we like for God to solve a situation, but sometimes we need to realise He has already sent us shalom - WE are shalom. And we need to apply that to the chatt'at of our lives.
In the space of 40 minutes, he managed to make me feel sad, laugh hysterically, feel guilty and then leave with a sense of hope. And that's why he's the best.
Love, etc.
xx
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Seeing Both Sides, or Why Idealising Life Can Be Dangerous...
On the flip side, however, I was showing a new director and his producer round the theatre last night and the director was so envious of my job and my "office," wanting to know how I got it and where he could get one like it. I saw so much of myself in that comment!
Don't get me wrong - I still *love* it and wouldn't want to do anything else with my time, but I've started to realise things in life aren't as perfect as our brains sometimes make them out to be.
Love, etc.
xx
p.s. Apart from The Drummer. He is, of course, perfect in every way :p
Friday, June 12, 2009
Things I have learnt .. (part 3)
- its impossible to walk down the road, in the sunshine, listening to Mas Que Nada and keep your hips still...
- the Bible really is right when it says don't let the sun go down on a row. You get a REALLY bad nights sleep, which makes working the next day kinda challenging.
- slimming as it is, Black gets pretty boring as a clothing choice day after day.
- while "just because" may not be a good enough explanation in the classroom, when it becomes the reason for flowers, its more than enough.
- packing, wearing, or indeed simply PLANNING to wear white linen trousers is pretty much guaranteed to make it rain. As is buying expensive new sunny gs.
- when you can go back somewhere after a time away and it really feels like you never left, that's when its home.
- people care about me a lot more than I realise.
- sunshine = blisters from amazingly pretty hugely impractical shoes.
Love, etc.
xx
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Tables Are Turned... (a.k.a Fit For Purpose part 2)
How can I teach something I barely know myself?? What do I have to offer about the role of being a technician?! Why do people keep treating me like an adult when I'm really really not?! (Clearly I am doing too good a job of pretending...) But in all seriousness - I never expected that I'd have to share what I know in any kind of formal setting, let alone stand in front of 27 kids and start their introduction to Technical Theatre. I've barely finished my own.
There is, however, a part of my brain that is pointing out that that is just exactly what we're meant to do with our knowledge and things that we learn - pass it on to others. I've blogged about the Parable of the Talents before, particularly in the context of my work, so I guess this is just another nudge to remind to stop hoarding and start sharing. Clearly this year is going be very little to do with resting on my laurels and quite a lot to do with getting fit for the next purpose that He has in store for me.
Love, etc.
xx
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Straight Talking
I was reading over my journal today when I was reminded of the time last summer when he left me struck dumb in the middle of Cafe Neros when he asked me whether I thought my relationship with God was starting to resemble that of the (non)relationship I was "in" at the time. Going out of my way to help him, anticipating his needs and being there to do/get what he needed. Being picked up and put down dependent on who else was around to entertain him yet I was always there waiting for him to come back again and again. Taking him back on any terms just to get him back. And so on. And so on. I suddenly could see The Godfather's point. And BOY was it an uncomfortable realisation.
I journaled the following in response that evening,
When its put so starkly that I'm treating You in the same way [he] treats me...I don't deserve any blessings at all, let alone the things I want for my comfort and convenience. When I think about how much it hurts me when [he] ignores me or picks me up and throws me away again at his convenience - I can't begin to imagine how much it hurts You that I've been doing that to You and I'm so sorry...
It was one of those tonne of bricks moments where suddenly you realise that a relationship with God means a relationship. And relationships come with hurt, however unintentional it may be.
I had another one this morning in church (although possibly slightly more shower of pea shingle than tonne of bricks...) when I was thinking about a friends BBQ that the gang were all at yesterday and how nice it was to hang out with my Little One after not seeing her properly for so long. It was a little bit bittersweet though, as I was kind of sad that we've drifted a little far apart since graduation/leaving Egham/starting work. I realised I hadn't put enough time or effort into maintaining the friendship when it ceased to be so naturally convenient and simple. And you see where this is starting to go...
When it struck home the most was when I looked up and saw The Drummer just sitting watching me and I knew that if I'd asked him what he was looking at, he'd say he was just watching me be happy and excited to see all the people I hadn't seen for so long - just the same as God does everytime I go to church. My relationship with The Drummer is hugely balanced - sometimes we talk really deeply and seriously (rare, but we're working on it) sometimes we're messing around and having fun and enjoying each others company and sometimes we just hang out simply spending time being together. I thought when I got together with him that an earthly relationship is sometimes a good model for working on your relationship with God because it makes all the emotions more real and understandable.
That comes with the flip side too though. Something to work on I feel...
Love, etc.
xx
p.s. The Journal from the night I got together with The Drummer? I don't think I deserve him, but thankyou for giving him to me. In the light of what I've just been writing about...hmm. Point made.
xx
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Achievements
One of the candidates was talking about what it would mean to her to win, saying that she would be able to prove to herself and her family and her daughters that she was more than what she'd achieved so far in her life.
I was surprised at my own reaction to that comment - I have one of the clearest career goals of most of the people I know, and a lot of people would probably think, understandably, that my career is one of the most important things to me in my life. When I heard Lorraine say that though, my first thought was for her girls - maybe its just me, but when I have children, THEY will be the biggest achievement of my life.
Last Night of the Proms will be epic, but my life won't have been pointless if I never get there. I might never get there - part of me worries that I'm not ruthless enough to get to the top, but I know that ultimately, that's not the most important thing to me.
JEB once called me laughably traditional. I think he was probably right. An achievement in and of itself.
Love, etc.
xx
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
We're All In This Together
they form one body"
1 Corinthians 12v12
Love, etc.
xx
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Pros and Cons
CONS: (yes, of course I started with the negative stuff!)
- getting chubby
- thunder thighs (yes, they deserve a listing all of their own they're getting that big)
- hair that does very strange things that only resemble curls for abot 5 minutes then just goes frizzy
- hate-inducing eyebrows
- still living at home with my parents at the age of 22
- can't drive
- make awesome brownies
- good musician
- good at my job
- determined
- easy to get on with
- fiercely loyal
- good friend
in it. It is no use your arguing about pros and cons; dive and know
the depth. Eat and know the taste"
Sri Sathya Sai Baba
love, etc
xx
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Possession is 9/10 of the law...
I was chatting to one of my girls yesterday about possessiveness - there's a girl in our friendship group who's possessiveness is legendary amongst our peers, and she's lost friends over it and alienated others with her attitudes. Having come up against that a number of times, I've struggled hugely to understand it - if there was any jealousy to be felt, it would most logically have been directed AT her, not received FROM her.
I've recently started to understand better her position (outrageously honest moment alert) if only because I've started to become equally possessive over something that is so drastically important to me. The Drummer's ex-girlfriend (to be blunt) properly did one over the fact he was going out with me (not because it was me, just because it was someone other than her) It upset him a huge amount at the time, and he's really appreciated recently her attempts at returning to their old friendship (particularly seeing as how they work together and have a number of the same friends) I, on the other hand, am being a complete cow about the whole situation and would quite willingly damage her if she crossed my path. Its childish I know. He's with me I know. But there's still a part of me that isn't entirely convinced he won't change his mind.
We've had many MANY talks about it (rational on his part, normally prompted by irrational tears on mine) but I'm still not utterly convinced. And not, before you start making assumptions, because he's ever exhibited ANY kind of behaviour to lead me to think that - I'm not convinced he'll stay with me because of how *I* see myself. I try to persuade myself (and him) that I'm concerned because I love him and don't want to lose him, but really, its because I'm hugely insecure when it comes to my self and my self-image. The Drummer watched my previous "relationship" damage me hugely - my self-worth took a massive beating and my self-belief was practically non-existent, and its for that reason that I'm so possessive of him towards The Ex - sometimes I fail to see why he'd stay with me when he could go out with someone else.
In this case, I'm the one who the jealousy should be (and I suspect still slightly is) aimed at, but yet I don't know how to convince myself he's not going anywhere - he can't do anymore than he already does to convince me of that. I need to change how *I* think and act. How *I* see myself. The fact I'm his and he's happy to tell the world so is the 9/10. The other 1/10 is up to me.
So much for the New Years resolution.
love, etc.
xx
Monday, May 25, 2009
Just take some time...
One such example was this morning when I read the following
So yeah, just slow down and look around you. Don't miss the little things just because you're going too fast.
Love, etc.
xx
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Setting the summer out in style
1) celebrating the end of my first term at work directing lighting here:
2) Spending a whole week in the sun with The Drummer (& his LOVELY parents) here:
3) Going back here after 3 years away:
There's also three weddings, plenty of time spent in Egham with my extended family and the small matter of a Take That tour with Sound Man.
I'm pretty sure there'll be a whole lot of this kind of behaviour too:
and hopefully some of this:
DEFINITELY some of this:
and most likely a WHOLE lot of this:
Bring it on.
Love, etc.
xx
Saturday, May 23, 2009
I went looking for my ideals outside of myself and discovered its not what the world hold's for you but what you bring to it...
So without further ado, my first guest post from the lovely Lele:
Hi, y’all! My name is Leann and I want to thank Laura for coming up with this idea of being a guest blogger. I feel honored! I’m from the beautiful state of Arkansas in the Southern U.S. Most people think that my state is full of hillbillies and rednecks and while we do have our share, there are also a lot of classy people here. Like myself. :) Some can even write and speak properly. We do have a lot of strange colloquialisms, but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum here.
While I do love the U.S., I heart England so much. My ancestors came from England, Scotland, and Ireland. I have red hair and turquoise eyes. I’m as pale as they come. I watch BBC-America (LOVE Doctor Who, especially David Tennant) and enjoy British musical artists (in particular, Morrissey). I love Jane Austen and the Bronte Sisters. In 2000, I had the opportunity to visit London and Bath. I was in college at the time and most of the kids in our tour were still in high school. I still had a great time and someday I’d love to go back and take my husband with me. We talk about “moving to Ireland someday” quite a bit. We have lots of dreams...
I have always lived in Arkansas and growing up, I romanticized adulthood. All I wanted to be when I grew up was an adult/mother/housewife/working woman/etc. My parents never explained to me just how hard adulthood is. I dreamed of having a white, three story house with three balconies and a Jacuzzi tub (seriously) by the time I was 25. I poured over house plans before I was even in Junior High school. I just knew I’d do better than my parents financially. I was, after all, going to attend and graduate from college (neither of my parents graduated). Fast forward to today—I wish I could go back to the innocence of my childhood! Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I never thought about bills, working 40+ hours per week, all the inconveniences that pop up when owning your own home, having to wait until you’re in a better financial situation to start having children, realizing your parents’ flaws, admitting you’re overweight and submitting to an exercise regimen, disappointment when your dreams don’t come true, etc. Sometimes I wonder if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages...
And then there are very adult issues such as depression, with which I was recently diagnosed. I get it honest...my dad's side of the family is filled with depressives, so it was bound to happen. After the diagnosis, I realized I’ve probably been depressed for a very long time but only recently have I had a difficult time dealing with it. There are only a few times in my adult life where I can remember being genuinely happy. I know that God never promised us happiness; He promised us joy but not necessarily happiness. But even still, I have a hard time understanding why I’ve only been happy during a few periods of my life. I do want to get better and am working on it, but I think it’s going to take longer than I want.
Another weird thing is that I STILL don’t feel like a grown-up. Am I the only one? I mean, I just turned 30 in March and you’d think that I would feel like a grown-up. But I don’t. I still feel like maybe I should be in college...it’s almost as if my brain isn’t progressing as fast as it should. Shouldn’t I mentally feel like a 30-year-old? I do feel like a 30-year-old physically (*groan*) but not in my heart and head. Someone once told me that you never truly feel grown until your parents pass on. If that is the case, I hope I don’t feel like an adult for a long time. I sometimes wonder if having children will change this. I guess we have to see when that time comes.
I currently work as a technical writer for a government agency (it’s not as exciting as it sounds) but the last few years I’ve had this vision of being a freelance or book editor. I’d also love to own a used bookstore in an antebellum home. I don’t know if these goals will ever be realized, but at least I have something to strive for. I wonder if that’s why I don’t feel completely grown. If you achieve all of your goals, do you then feel satisfied and grown up? I doubt it.
Someday when my future kids are old enough, I will probably warn them of the dangers of idealizing adulthood. I don’t want to discourage them by saying, “You are so lucky! Just wait until you’re an adult. Then you’ll see how hard life is.” No, I do not want to be a downer. But I do want to be real and I want my kids to know that life is hard work and is what you make of it. I just hope that I’m a good example of that and can live my life to the fullest. I hope I can help them from making the same mistakes I did. I know that God is with me and if I let Him work in me, then I’ll have the best life possible...better than I could have chosen for myself.
Love, etc.
xx
Friday, May 22, 2009
All roads lead to Rome...
reach my destination"
James Dean
xx
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Coffee & Chat (part 6)
Turns out that if someone is struck with the back of the hand puts them in their place as a servant, but if you turn the other cheek, that forces the person to strike you with the flat of their hand, the move of a fair fight, which places you as their equal. If someone demanded your cloak and you gave them your undergarments too, they would be causing you to be naked, which was one of the biggest taboos of the time and put them firmly in the wrong for asking it of you.
And as for going the extra mile?? Did you know that Roman centurions were allowed to make the local peasants carry their packs while they marched? But that if the peasants passed out/collapsed whilst doing so, the Centurion would be court marshalled??
Its amazing how fresh a perspective can be brought to a situation through an understanding shoulder to cry on, a cup of coffee and some tlc
love, etc.
xx
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
No Regrets (a.k.a. Time Flies When You're Having Fun)
The last time I was making a hugely life-changing move that I was resisting very much (Petersfield to Egham) (ironic I know that the reverse was then so hard!), I was given a very good piece of advice - look back, but never turn back. I know that when I go back to Egham (yes, when) (as if that was ever in doubt!) I won't be an English student who does sound in her spare time. I'll be a Sound Engineer. I'll be an adult. I'll have a different place in the same ever-growing, ever-loving family that I left behind me 5 months ago. I'll still be me, I'll just be a different me.
I might not be Laura Robins though...
love, etc.
xx