Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Possession is 9/10 of the law...

But its that other pesky 1/10 that really gets to you...

I was chatting to one of my girls yesterday about possessiveness - there's a girl in our friendship group who's possessiveness is legendary amongst our peers, and she's lost friends over it and alienated others with her attitudes. Having come up against that a number of times, I've struggled hugely to understand it - if there was any jealousy to be felt, it would most logically have been directed AT her, not received FROM her.

I've recently started to understand better her position (outrageously honest moment alert) if only because I've started to become equally possessive over something that is so drastically important to me. The Drummer's ex-girlfriend (to be blunt) properly did one over the fact he was going out with me (not because it was me, just because it was someone other than her) It upset him a huge amount at the time, and he's really appreciated recently her attempts at returning to their old friendship (particularly seeing as how they work together and have a number of the same friends) I, on the other hand, am being a complete cow about the whole situation and would quite willingly damage her if she crossed my path. Its childish I know. He's with me I know. But there's still a part of me that isn't entirely convinced he won't change his mind.

We've had many MANY talks about it (rational on his part, normally prompted by irrational tears on mine) but I'm still not utterly convinced. And not, before you start making assumptions, because he's ever exhibited ANY kind of behaviour to lead me to think that - I'm not convinced he'll stay with me because of how *I* see myself. I try to persuade myself (and him) that I'm concerned because I love him and don't want to lose him, but really, its because I'm hugely insecure when it comes to my self and my self-image. The Drummer watched my previous "relationship" damage me hugely - my self-worth took a massive beating and my self-belief was practically non-existent, and its for that reason that I'm so possessive of him towards The Ex - sometimes I fail to see why he'd stay with me when he could go out with someone else.

In this case, I'm the one who the jealousy should be (and I suspect still slightly is) aimed at, but yet I don't know how to convince myself he's not going anywhere - he can't do anymore than he already does to convince me of that. I need to change how *I* think and act. How *I* see myself. The fact I'm his and he's happy to tell the world so is the 9/10. The other 1/10 is up to me.

So much for the New Years resolution.

love, etc.


Bluebelle said...

Silly Laura. :p
But Lovely Laura too. :)

Bluebelle said...

Oh, nice cloud by the way. x

Nessa said...

I dont blame you...! but perhaps this is something you can pray about, for protection, wisdom and guidance, God answers and hears even the littlest pf our prayers!

Anonymous said...

I know you have the other half of my brain but really our alike-ness does surprise me sometimes! x