Kitchen Table Confessional

What is it about people's kitchen tables?? There's something inviting and comforting about sitting in someone's kitchen nursing a big mug of hot chocolate and knowing that you're not going to be judged, whatever you're there to talk about.

Liz's kitchen is probably approaching legendary status in Egham just for the sheer number of people that she looks after & listens to & counsels over coffee, but its not just there that I felt so at home. All my mums so often would let me just sit and be and listen to me while they did their day to day stuff - I used to help iron or cook & make pizza for the kids, load the dishwasher & fold the washing - their kitchen table confessionals brought me in to their families and made me feel so loved.

Being back in Egham this weekend and ending up at Alison's kitchen table this morning (being used as slave labour for Mr Berry's latest Strategies work!) was just LOVELY. There's something to be said for having people who you can just go to and go "so I've done this..." or "this has happened and I don't know what to do..." and have someone who will listen and help. There are never magic fixes, but my mums (all 6 of them!) (7 if you count my real one...) always have an answer that helps, even if its just allowing me to spend time with the kids to bring my smiles back :)

I guess they show me the truth in the saying that

A friend is one who is a source of sunshine when you are under the weather.
A friend is one who strengthens you with prayer, blesses you with love, and encourages you with hope.
A friend is one to whom distance is no barrier to communication, concern, or caring.
A friend is one whose thoughtfulness is exceeded only by his concern; whose helpfulness is second only to his awareness.
A friend is one who believes in you so strongly that you are motivated to stretch, to reach and to achieve beyond your fondest expectation.
A friend is one who transforms your loneliness into happiness, your sadness into joy, your gloom into gladness.
A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.
A friend is one who is on the scene with you when you need him, and who quietly leaves when you want to be alone.
A friend is a source of celebration when you feel there is nothing to celebrate.
A friend is one who answers when you call. Who often answers before you call.

When was the last time you could say that about yourself and your friendships with others??Distance hasn't become an object with my Egham friendships...the person is much much more important than where they are in the world.

Love, etc.
xx

Lucky, or, A Lesson In Perspective

Today was one of those days where you realise how lucky you really are; when you realise that actually, no matter how unemployed you are, or how big your overdraft appears to be getting, really there's nothing that wrong at all.

Today my god-faughter had open-heart surgery. She was blessed with an extraordinarily talented surgeon & medical team & everything went more or less to plan. That in and of itself was traumatic enough...travelling up to be with her family knowing that she was in theatre, waiting for her to come out, waiting for the phone call to go down and visit her...I thought that was difficult. Ain't seen nothing yet.

Paeds ICU is *the* most traumatic place I've ever been in my life. (Incidentally, I have so much respect for the nurses who work in there...I could never do it, but they lavish on those kids so much love and care and attention - if you ever need an example of grace and love in action, they are it) There are just cots and beds of the sickest children I've ever seen...to put it on a scale - my Ellie had a hole in her heart patched and part of the heart wall rebuilt, and that was considered "simple" There were some desperately poorly children there, including one tiny little prem baby who was brought in while I was sitting with her who shouldn't even have been born yet, yet alone have been fighting for his life.

Looking at the babies, I suddenly understood why people question the existance of God. I've never really doubted His existance, even I was too cool to openly admit it during my teens, but today, looking at those little kids who have done nothing wrong to anyone and deserve *nothing* of what they have to go through, I was just standing there shouting at God: Why does He let this happen? Why can't He just reach down and fix them? Why, why why? There aren't any answers...I've never had any answers for that question, and I doubt I ever will.

Scared and upset and angry as I was, once I was back in the relatives room at the top of the hospital looking out over London, in amongst all the busyness, I had a picture of God having his hand over the hospital holding on to & strengthening all the people in it...patients, friends & relatives, staff & surgeons alike. And breaking His heart over them just the same way I was.

He watches us day after day struggle to live in a fallen world...today I had just a glimpse of how much He loves us.

Love, etc.
xx

When does a place become a part of you??

So they kind of spoiled it with the last "when you're in Northeast England" line, but other than that, the advert was beautiful. When DOES a place become a part of you??

- when its history echoes down to you throughout the ages?

- when it offers sanctuary from a restless world?

- when its wilderness speaks and you understand?

- when the locals welcome you like friends?

- when your spirit soars?

I was trying to think of my own to add to this but actually couldn't come up with any. When a place is a part of you, there's no way of describing it properly. There are ways, of course, of telling...the way I grin when I just drive past my old school, the way I actually light up at the first glimpse of Founders when I'm pulling in to Egham on the train, the way walking through the doors of St Johns brings such a huge sense of peace. These places have all played huge roles in my life - they've become a part of me as they've shaped me and changed me and sent me out on to the next adventure. The best thing about a place being a part of you?? When you go back, it feels like coming home. Every time.

So what makes a place a part of you??

Love, etc.
xx

One Of Those Days, or, Why I Love My Little Hen

Today was just one of those days. Despite the FREEZINGLY COLD weather, I had just a perfect day (and not just because I was shopping) (for BRIDESMAIDS DRESSES!!!!!!!!!!) (altho that was pretty exciting...) ANYWAY. To get to my point.

I know I've blogged before about the randomness and slightly unsettling nature of my home world and my uni world colliding, but today I met my Little Hen (very university world) at Gunwharf (very home world) and it was just lovely. She is one of those people who just make your day better when you see them. Spending an hour having lunch with her makes me smile, so spending a whole day shopping with her...just lovely :)

For someone so small, she is very wise & her answers to all my questions and AAAAH! moments just made me smile quite the very lot. She's one of those people who you just know you have been so blessed to have been given & know that you won't be letting go of anytime soon (even if they do intend to bugger off to France and Spain for a year :p)

So Hen, this one's for you angel. Thankyou for today...I miss you

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. My point (since I said I had one)...next time you have one of those days with someone...tell them!!!
x

Interview Time

The first (unnumbered) rule is I must link back to the post I got this from. Here ya go, Somi!
From there, the rules are numbered:

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Seems simple enough, right? So, Somi asked me the following questions.

(1) Name only one blogger you really respect and tell me why. I love reading Blue Eyes's blog. She has such amazingly unique insights in to stuff and always leaves you with a challenge and something to think about in your life. She's also an angel in real life as well as one of my favourite things in the blogosphere :)

(2) If you had to pick a non-urban, U.S. destination in which to vacation for a week, where would you go? I think it would have to be somewhere remote and mountainous in either the Rockies or the Catskills because the scenery is BEAUTIFUL. That and looking down from high up a mountain can really drag everything else in to perspective.

(3) If you had $500 to spend on housing, food and entertainment for the trip mentioned in (2), how would you spend it? A little chalet that was cozy and cute with a log fire and lots of blankets. Also enough meat to satisfy my recent BBQ craving and plenty of DVDs to snuggle up and watch.

(4) Tell me about one person with whom you've lost touch. If you hope for a reunion, how would you like that reunion to take place? My Kingswood girls from my first year at university. We lived together 24/7 for a year & then kinda drifted once we'd moved out of our dorm. I don't want a huge reunion but how perfect would it be if all of us ended up sprawled around in KT & Em's room eating chocolate and being hideously judgmental about the acts of the X Factor.

(5) In 2008, what was your biggest achievement and your biggest failure/disappointment? My biggest achievement...I guess I'm pretty proud that I got to rig at the Royal Albert Hall with Sound Man. Biggest failure/disappointment...I guess my degree result didn't really go according to plan.

So there we go!! Thanks to Somi for more blog craziness...I can't wait until her next one!!!

Love, etc.
xx

This year, to save me from tears...

New Years Resolutions. Quite the fashionable thing at the moment. And as far as I was concerned, totally overrated (particularly given the fact that I broke last years one so spectacularly) (and the year before that, come to think of it) but after a lot of thought, I've decided to make one for this year too.

If' I'm honest, in my weaker, more unhappy moments, I'm not very keen on myself. I judge myself incredibly harshly and can only see the bad, refusing to believe that there is any good for other people to see in me. When I'm sad, I get too angry and block people out. When I feel lonely, I flirt too much just to make myself feel better. If I look in the mirror and see spots or bad hair, I can't see past them & refuse to believe that other people can either.

So.

My resolution is this...to protect me from myself, to stop me hurting other people through my insecurities, to make me just that little bit happier and more secure...I resolve to find my identity in God. To let Him strengthen me and to find His power perfect in my weaknesses. I want to end 2009 happy with who I am and content with myself. I have no idea if it will work, but I want to try it.

Inspired by this beautiful lady, come join me. Make 2009 different for yourself, and be prepared to be surprised at how different that makes it for everyone around you.

Love, etc. And a very happy new year :)
xx

Spoilt

I realised yesterday that I've been incredibly spoilt in the last three and a half years (and we're not just talking access to Daddy's credit card here...) I've often been told I landed on my feet with my friends and my church and just the general ease with which I settled in to university and living away from home.

I guess I never really realised *just* how spoilt I was until I left...the classic not knowing what you've got until its gone. For three years, I had the best friends a girl could ask for, the support and love of fantastic surrogate families and just so much happiness that I couldn't have wanted for anything (didn't stop me wanting, of course, but I didn't need for anything)

I was spoilt too with my church and the ease with which I fitted in to the Worship Development Team and the Sound Team & was accepted and valued by those already on the teams. I was spoilt with how great the teaching was and the discpleship & support was. I was spoilt with the friendships and love that I found there, and because I was spoilt, it was easy. I didn't have to work per se at becoming part of the team...it just happened. I didn't have to work particularly hard to make new friends because that just happened. I didn't have to work overly hard at finding and meeting with God, because that just happened too.

Call me crazy (and many of you have/did for chosing to leave) but I'm kind of thinking at the moment that I'm going to challenge myself even further. My parents church is amazing...full of lovely lovely caring people who love me so much & are always so excited to see me when I come to visit and the teaching is as sound as I've ever heard. Its not my first choice where worship is concerned, which is quite a big thing for me, as I tend to be more moved by worship than anything else. But. I'm going to go to church with them for the next few months. I think my faith could do with some challenges...I think I could do with having to actively search for and walk with God. I know its safe to that at DREC because I know its sound and full of Godly amazing people.

I've had it all on a plate for most 4 years...its about time I got off my butt and started stretching myself. Which leaves the question...where are you at?? Are you comfortably settled enjoying the ease of life?? Or have you jumped out your boat trusting that there's something out there for you??

Hmm. Ponder. I'll get back to you on the levels of success...

Love, etc.
xx

Yes Folks, its that time again!!

A potted history of 2008 in the world of Laura...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Graduated, learnt to drive (sort of) rigged at the Royal Albert Hall.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2009? Utter fail. And as such, I doubt I'll be making any more!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Erm...no? Not that I can think of. Its all about 2009 with the babies.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Dad's brother in Oz, but not other than that.

5. What countries did you visit? Apart from regular commuting between Egham & Petersfield, I went nowhere. I'm so rock'n'roll!!

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A full-time job as a Sound Eng would be lovely please. Also a pink driving licence rather than my green one. Thanks.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
13th March - rigging Classical Spectacular at the Royal Albert Hall with Hodge (THE best day of the year)
My 21st Birth(four)day(s) were truly just the funnest 4 days of uni)
15th July - Graduation Day SWOOSH! :)
29th Nov-5th Dec - Bugsy Malone (I know The Godfather won't agree, but for me, one of the best weeks of my short little life so far)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Running tech for the first night of Mosaic

9. What was your biggest failure? Wasn't impressed with my degree result. Also with the lack of full time job.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No major dramas spring to mind.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Had a bit of a handbags thing this year. And managed to get a new dress for each and every possible occasion.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The Godfather because he's just THE best
RJ, Mr Skins & Sound Man for their undending support & encouragement during the (still ongoing) jobs debacle
My various mums & dads, particularly my second family Chez Holloway

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Apart from my own?! Lets not go there.

14. Where did most of your money go? Probably eating out and buying coffee to be honest. Or handbags.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? rigging at the Royal Albert Hall (and any other time I got to see Sound Man), Mosaic, my 21st Birth(four)day(s) but my cake in particular, swooshing in my Graduation gown was SUPER fun and Tom & Na's wedding was just perfect (seeing her dress at the final fitting, however, will remain THE most exciting moment of our lives as housemates)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2008? Parry's "Jerusalem" from Clas Spec, "Strength Will Rise" for Pete & the gang, "Feels Like Home" from Tom & Na's wedding, Kate Nash's "Foundations" & Alanis Morisette's "Thankyou" and "Head Over Feet" from all the roadtrips.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier I guess...get back to me on that one.
b) Thinner or fatter? Just about thinner, but starting to put it back on...post-Christmas Gymmage here I come.
c) Richer or poorer? Richer, actually. And even richer still once I've claimed my tax back WOOP.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I actually have no regrets of this year where I look at something and wish I'd done more. Degree results and all.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? I don't know whether Mumma Gingy will agree, but I *think* I've actually stressed and panicked less this year than previously....would still like to do even less though. That would be ideal. Also maybe less wine consumption...

20. How did you spend Christmas? Again trying to ensure peace and goodwill prevailed between myself and my brother and my parents. More or less successfully.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? That would imply a change of position since the beginning of the year. Which there hasn't been. Oh dear.

22. How many one-night stands? Every year the same question; every year the same answer - NONE.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Same old same old. Apprentice and Strictly. Although The X Factor was pretty addictive this year...

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. I'm confused about where I stand with a few people, but I don't think there's any hate there.

25. What was the best book you read? The Time Travellers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. Absolutely awesome.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Capital FM Breakfast Show on my clock radio. No, really. Nothing else can get me out of bed.

27. What did you want and get? to live in Egham after I graduated & to work on Bugsy Malone

28. What did you want and not get? A MacBookPro as ever. Also a full-time orchestral job. Sad times.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Am I allowed to say Quantum of Solace?? (jokes Nick, jokes) Would HAVE to be Mumma Mia ;)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Haha. The Birth(four)day(s). Good times. I was 21, and I did a variety of things, including an old-skool poker night with the original gang, a black tie Hollywood Starlet party, getting hideously embarassed by getting sung Happy Birthday at church & just so much other fun stuff with my friends :D

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A first. Or even a 2.1. And any one of the 137 jobs I applied for!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? As perfectly co-ordinated and modelled as ever ;)

33. What kept you sane? The Godfather. Pretty much single handedly. Its been a tough year and he was there every single step of the way whether I was going forwards or backwards. Nothing's happened that he doesn't know about & he still loves me & wants to look after me. The man is a living legend.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? After a fleeting thing for Russell Brand (I kno, WHAT?!) I settled happily back on Anton du Beke & Matthew Cutler.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Income Tax. Seriously. SERIOUSLY?! THAT'S MY HARD-EARNED MONEY YOU'RE TAKING AWAY TO SUPPORT YOUR FAILING HEALTH SERVICE AND SHODDY GOVERNMENT. Pah. Emigration is appealing.

36. Who did you miss? My California Girl. Like MAD.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Bean. Without question.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: that I'm a lot stronger and a lot more capable than I give myself credit for.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

And I will laugh until my heart it aches
And I will love until my heart it breaks
And I will love until there’s nothing more to live for

So there we go. That was 2008. I'm not going to tag anyone, but I *am* going to encourage you to de-lurk for 2 things...1) feel free to question away if I've been too cryptic (although I won't be revealing any of the pseudonyms) (unless the person in question wishes to reveal themself) and 2) to copy and do this on your blogs!!

Happy 2009 people...be blessed and be sure to ENJOY IT!!!

Love, etc.
xx

Fit for Purpose

I knew when I decided to leave that it was going to be hard. I probably slightly underestimated just how upsetting saying goodbye to the kids was, and I definitely underestimated how hard it was going to be walking away from my Sound Desk for the last time.

Some of you might think it odd that I've chosen to leave when its so hard to leave somewhere I'm so clearly attached to, but as someone very wise once said to me, its very easy to fall in to a rut without even realising just because its so comfortable and safe. At St Johns, I have been pastored and mentored in my faith to a place where I can lead others & teach them; I have been welcomed and loved and included in such a way that its only natural that I bring others to join in too; I have been given such amazing Sound training that I've been given my own team to mentor and teach. People have devoted a lot of time to my development, and I am fit for my purpose at St Johns.

But.

Being fit for purpose isn't enough. Becoming fit for purpose is good - people have spent three and a half years teaching me and building me up and loving me until I am fit for purpose, but its not enough. Its not what we're called to be. I don't have time to take up another ministry - I can't create more of myself to give out to help anymore in the church, but if I just stick to what I know and the things I already do, I'll stop learning. I'll stop growing, and that in turn will stop developing the talents and gifts that I've been given. Those of you who know me will know how much I rant about the Parable of the Talents and how unfair it is that the servant gets punished for not doing anything with his talent, but recently I've really understood that concept - its nice to be comfortable and feel safe and know that at the same time you're doing great work for your Church, but that's not what we're called to do. As my rigging hoody says, right across the back,

"I have come that you might have life and have it to the full" John 10v10

so that's what I'm going to do.


Love, etc.
xx


p.s. Aforementioned wise person also once told me how proud he'd be of me if I actually left & I know today that he is. I wouldn't be doing this without his patience and expertise he so willingly shared - RJ, this one's for you.

A Dying Breed...

Gentlemen. Its a conversation I appear to be having with increasing regularity these days...you are a dying breed. Mr Skins told me the other day that feminism is slowly killing of gentlemen, which is potentially very true. What I don't understand is why.

Why is it bad when a guy holds a door for you, or walks on the outside of you on a pavement (VERY cute when you did that the other day AND you got a smile for your troubles) or pays for you when you go out for dinner?? I don't find myself demeaned as a woman; I don't feel my authority being threatened (I mean....come ON!) and I definitely don't find that it is typical of the male-dominated society which women have fought against for so long. I think its lovely, it makes me smile, and, actually, makes me feel valued as a woman - different for all the right reasons.

...the woman came out of a man's rib...not out of his feet to be walked upon or out of his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal, under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved...

Not to get all soppy on you, but there we go...not superior, not below...just equal. And different. And special. So enjoy it!!

Love, etc.
xx

Honestly OK?

So because I'm a girl, when I was feeling a bit down tonight, I called someone who can, without fail, cheer me up. I caught them at a slightly inconvenient moment, and as a result, the conversation was a mere formality while I asked my question (a.k.a the thinly veiled excuse to call), I got an answer (which admittedly didn't really help with cheering me up) and that was that. Five minutes later, got a txt asking if I was ok. Obviously at this point I said no, I wasn't, I was unhappy about leaving & wanted to talk to someone who understood. *Ahem* Or not. Being the girl that I am, of course I txt back saying I was fine. And then got angry & even more upset when that didn't get a response.

Now, you may argue that he's a boy & wouldn't have known that fine means anything but (especially if we take it with its literal translation of Female, Insecure, Neurotic & Emotional) blah blah blah, but the worst thing about it?? I've done it to him so many times that I guess now he looks at it & takes it at face value. I've made it such hard work for him to care about me & try to look after me that I actually drive him a little further away every time I do it.

When I got home, I must've read four or five blogs all with the same message - tell people how you feel, its ok show your emotions, stop bottling it all up...so I'm here to echo that. You can't be unhappy that people seem not to care if you won't let them care about you. The walls you've put up to try & protect you, the things you've made part of your life to try and fulfil you, even the people you gather around you mean nothing if you won't let yourself be loved.

Best of all though - the knowledge that if I hadn't been so stupidly female, he would've called me back to make me smile again. I really should start letting him.

Love, etc.
xx

Mastercard moments

Cost of producing Bugsy Malone...£17k (yes, you did just read that correctly)

Cost of a ticket to Bugsy...£10

Cost of my train tickets back and forth to Petersfield for the week...£51.90

The look on The Godfather's face when he saw me on Tuesday...priceless.


Mastercard moments...what are yours??
Love, etc.
xx

Decisions...

So, out of the blue for pretty much all of you - when I leave Egham in December, I won't be coming back. The last three and half years have been the best of my short little life so far, but its time to move on.

There are lots of reasons for me going (and yes, these are at least equalled by the number of reasons I could stay) but I have the trump card of it feeling like its the right thing for me to do on the side of going, and those of you who know me are probably gobsmacked that I feel its the right thing for me to do, because if you'd asked me even a couple of months ago, I'd've still been so firmly set on finding the job of dreams and making Egham happen.

This last weekend, I was at my old school helping turn the Sports Hall in to a theatre, and despite the long hours and the stress, I realised that being on a Production Crew really is the dream. And I was living it. Yes, on a voluntary basis, Yes on a small scale, but in a surprising way, it made me happier than living in Egham doing any old job does. I can compromise on my geographical location and still be happy, but after all the experiences I've had on Crew, and remembering how good they all were, I don't think I can compromise on the job for much longer and still be so happy.

The more people I talk to about this, the more I hear truth in the fact that I'm more likely to get a job here rather than London; I realise the truth in the words that people aren't going to forget I exist and stop being my friend just because I don't live in the same town as them anymore and I've *finally* started to believe the truth that God doesn't only live at St Johns.

And even Dorothy had to leave Oz eventually.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Sorry for making that one all about me, but if you can't do it on your own blog...
x

Face Value

My Beautiful Blonde once pointed out to me the sheer number of insignificant moments that a friendship is made up of. The tiny things like being met at the station when its dark & rainy so you're not walking home alone, or sitting on the floor eating Ben & Jerries straight out the tub and swapping when you're bored of your own flavou, or buying a petrol station treat when you fill your car up because you know how much it will make someone smile. These are such tiny events in the grand scheme of things, but they don't half mean a lot.

The thing that got me though, was the realisation of how some of the seemingly most insignificant, passing relationships of my life have become some of the most important. On paper, Sound Man was just a friend of a friend who trained me for a grand total of about 12 hours, but in practice, he's one of the most patient people I've ever met who always takes my dumbnass questions seriously and has continued to teach me everything he possibly can even when we're on opposite sides of the world (well, Munich to Egham anyway...) I'm pretty sure its not just because of my brownies - he is a major player in my life & a major source of job and tech advice. Not bad for a friend of a friend and 12 hours training. Same goes for The Godfather. How my Physics teacher became my spiritual mentor I couldn't begin to tell you (small lie...I could, but it would take all day) but again, if I'd taken it at face value, I'd've learnt my Physics and left again. And missed out on one of the people who have been the most influential in my life so far, spiritual and otherwise. And that's a worrying thought.

My point other than a love in of Sound Man and The Godfather?? Don't take every relationship at its face value. Make each one special. Invest in them, and let yourself be surprised at where they go.

Love, etc.
xx

Simplicity

"Thankyou God for Starlight (my new fish) and for birthday parties. Please stop Daddy from getting studded on Saturday. Sorry for shouting at Jake. Amen"

Sometimes we could all do with praying with a 5 year old just to remind us of the simplicity of our faith that we make so hard for ourselves

Love, etc.

xx

Coffee & Chat (part 3)

"You're not the person I thought you were"

I used to think that was the most hurtful thing someone could say to me until it was pointed out that actually, we regularly build people up to be something they're not, and then blame them when reality bites.

I'm as guilty of this as the next person, and could tell you at very great, very raw & painful length how it happens, but that's not my point. Don't try to make them something they're not; don't try to make them what you want them to be & get hurt when it doesn't work out. Take someone as they are, and love them for that.

Love, etc
xx

p.s I can't even remember what the miscellaneous beverage was this time. Still wasn't coffee though
xx

Sin and George Orwell

It can never be a good thing when I read a book that satirises communist Russia and find a startlingly large number of comparisons with the church within it. I'll leave you to go and find it and read it and realise what I mean in the most part, but the one thing that struck me the most was when the animals change

all animals are equal

to

all animals are equal but some are more equal than others

Its funny when its about animals on a farm, and mildly amusing when its sending up the communist regime, but suddenly, it stops being funny when you realise that's how we treat sin. All sins are equal, but we make some of them more equal than others. This became uncomfortably real to me earlier this year when I was being teased about having had FAR too much to drink on New Years Eve and tried to excuse it by saying that it only happened a couple of times a year. When someone (who shall remain nameless) (mostly because I can't think of an amusing blog pseudonym for him) asked me whether "it would be ok for him to leave his wife at home and go out and sleep around 'a couple of times a year'" I realised how true that phrase is...all sins are equal, we just make some of them less bad for ourselves because that makes us feel more comfortable.

Its so easy to judge someone for what we perceive to be their sin without realising that in that moment we to are putting ourselves wrong with God - we're not called to judge people, we're called to love them. Jesus never said "by the way you throw the bible at them, they shall know me" and I totally believe that that is not what God wants. I don't think I'm ever going to be called for account for chosing to love someone rather than judge them, whatever they're doing with their lives. And anyway, there's a lot to be said for taking the plank out of your own eye first.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

Love, etc.
xx

To all the non-believers...

The Saffa is forever ripping it out of me for blogging...he tells me that its for self-absorbed self-interested people who think that everyone else cares what they think. Now, I love my pretty pink blog to bits, so normally I just beat him and be done with it, but it does occasionally make me wonder why I blog - am I just a self-absorbed self-interested person who thinks that everyone else cares what I think??

Be that as it may (although I'd argue that its not...) Dawson Trotman finally solved this issue for me by pointing out (through Rick Warren) that

"thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through your fingertips"

and its true - often it can be so helpful getting your thoughts out of your head and rearranging them so they form some semblance of sense to someone looking in...it stops my head exploding at least!!

So yes, to the non-believers, that is why we blog. That, and we do quite like the sound of our own thoughts...

Love, etc.
xx

Forgiveness

Now, being an English student, I tend to over-analyse words. That's what we do. Find every ounce of meaning we possibly can in a phrase until there's none left, then claim there never was any in the first place. Its bad when I do that when I'm trying to read for fun; its worse when I do it in church. Even worse, perhaps, when I stand looking at the screen, reciting the line "forgive us our sins as we forgive others," and thinking about how everyone reads that and feels all warm and fuzzy inside because they know God is going to forgive them for what they've done wrong during the week. Awesome. But wrong.

Not wrong in the sense that God won't forgive us, because He definitely always does. Its just the words we're using and the meaning we're choosing to take from them. Or should that be the meaning we chose to project on to them. We think we're asking God to fully forgive us our sins in the knowledge of the biblical model that says He always will, but actually, what would we do if one day He took us literally and forgave us like we forgive others? Half forgiveness here, bit of lingering bitterness there. The words of forgiveness with one breath and then gossip to whomever is around with the next? Too bitter and twisted or hurt too deeply to really forgive , instead allowing the relationship to fracture and disintegrate?

How often do we read those words, realise what we're actually saying and adjust OUR forgiveness, adjust how WE are forgiving people and deal with that before we come to God and ask it of Him?? Who are we to judge ourselves and our level of forgiveness to others (for want of a better phrase) and still think that it is in any way comparable to God's utterly total and complete forgiveness of us?

Love, etc.
xx

10 Ways To Tell I'm A Real Adult Now

1) I have a tax code

2) I get up, wash, dress, make lunch and leave the house all before 9am

3) I eat salad out a tupperware and drink Diet Coke for lunch

4) The phrases "touch base" "heads up" and "let me check my diary and get back to you" creep out of the office and in to everyday life

5) The payments IN to my bank account very nearly cover the payments OUT

6) I wear a suit most days of the week & as such, ironing shirts is a now a valid week-night activity

7) I don't go on Facebook between the hours of 0830 and 1830

8) I have a lunchbreak where my personal phone goes crazy for an hour

9) 1730 is my favourite time of the day

10) I have a daily commute

...so may be it will stop feeling like I'm pretending soon!!

Love, etc
xx