Just take some time...

One of my favourite times of the day is when I get to sit and go through my Google Reader. That time is my time, even when I'm with The Drummer. Those few minutes are mine to read and think and comment - in the same way writing my blog lets me arrange the thoughts in my own head, reading other blogs gives me new things to think about (and a lot of smiles and laughter at all the cute kiddos)

Some of my favourite blogs are people's tumblrs, as rarely a day goes by without me writing down one or other of the quotes from them in my notebook ready to file away for another day and another blog post (yes, that's the truth...my blogging inspiration is rarely my own. It nearly always comes from other people's quotes *shame*)

One such example was this morning when I read the following

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing

what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book and remembering - because

you can't take it all in at once"

Audrey Hepburn

and for some reason (possibly because I'm in the throes of planning my trip back there) I was reminded of the day my fellow goddesses and I went to the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel. Now, for those of you who have never been, the Sistine Chapel is tucked RIGHT inside the Vatican and takes a good ten minutes walk through the galleries to get to it. Now, when you've been standing in a queue for an hour before the place has even opened, there is, admittedly, a certain amount of impatience to just get to the Sistine Chapel already, bypassing all the tourist bus groups who are stopping to take their pictures and generally be slow. Turns out that in our haste to get to our destination, we missed some epicly beautiful tapestries and carvings. We missed the stunning views out over the city and the pristine Papal Gardens below. We had our eyes so firmly on the prize, we weren't really looking around, and certainly weren't stopping to value and enjoy.

How many of us do that with life?? I'm determined that my trip back this year will reflect my new outlook on life...it might take Miss Africa and I an hour to get from the entrance to the Chapel, but we'll have got to the same place in the end AND we'll have seen everything on the way too.

So yeah, just slow down and look around you. Don't miss the little things just because you're going too fast.

Love, etc.
xx

Setting the summer out in style

Summer '09 is going to be good. Possibly better than good. I have a small inkling that its going to be the best ever, if only for these three reasons:

1) celebrating the end of my first term at work directing lighting here:


2) Spending a whole week in the sun with The Drummer (& his LOVELY parents) here:


3) Going back here after 3 years away:


There's also three weddings, plenty of time spent in Egham with my extended family and the small matter of a Take That tour with Sound Man.

I'm pretty sure there'll be a whole lot of this kind of behaviour too:


and hopefully some of this:

DEFINITELY some of this:


and most likely a WHOLE lot of this:


Bring it on.

Love, etc.
xx

I went looking for my ideals outside of myself and discovered its not what the world hold's for you but what you bring to it...

I knew this was what I'd call this post just as soon as I read through Lele's post. She's got such a knack of getting some really deep stuff about God and life and being a grown up sprinkled in a day to day post, I love days when she pops up on my reader!!

So without further ado, my first guest post from the lovely Lele:

Hi, y’all! My name is Leann and I want to thank Laura for coming up with this idea of being a guest blogger. I feel honored! I’m from the beautiful state of Arkansas in the Southern U.S. Most people think that my state is full of hillbillies and rednecks and while we do have our share, there are also a lot of classy people here. Like myself. :) Some can even write and speak properly. We do have a lot of strange colloquialisms, but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum here.

While I do love the U.S., I heart England so much. My ancestors came from England, Scotland, and Ireland. I have red hair and turquoise eyes. I’m as pale as they come. I watch BBC-America (LOVE Doctor Who, especially David Tennant) and enjoy British musical artists (in particular, Morrissey). I love Jane Austen and the Bronte Sisters. In 2000, I had the opportunity to visit London and Bath. I was in college at the time and most of the kids in our tour were still in high school. I still had a great time and someday I’d love to go back and take my husband with me. We talk about “moving to Ireland someday” quite a bit. We have lots of dreams...

I have always lived in Arkansas and growing up, I romanticized adulthood. All I wanted to be when I grew up was an adult/mother/housewife/working woman/etc. My parents never explained to me just how hard adulthood is. I dreamed of having a white, three story house with three balconies and a Jacuzzi tub (seriously) by the time I was 25. I poured over house plans before I was even in Junior High school. I just knew I’d do better than my parents financially. I was, after all, going to attend and graduate from college (neither of my parents graduated). Fast forward to today—I wish I could go back to the innocence of my childhood! Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I never thought about bills, working 40+ hours per week, all the inconveniences that pop up when owning your own home, having to wait until you’re in a better financial situation to start having children, realizing your parents’ flaws, admitting you’re overweight and submitting to an exercise regimen, disappointment when your dreams don’t come true, etc. Sometimes I wonder if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages...

And then there are very adult issues such as depression, with which I was recently diagnosed. I get it honest...my dad's side of the family is filled with depressives, so it was bound to happen. After the diagnosis, I realized I’ve probably been depressed for a very long time but only recently have I had a difficult time dealing with it. There are only a few times in my adult life where I can remember being genuinely happy. I know that God never promised us happiness; He promised us joy but not necessarily happiness. But even still, I have a hard time understanding why I’ve only been happy during a few periods of my life. I do want to get better and am working on it, but I think it’s going to take longer than I want.

Another weird thing is that I STILL don’t feel like a grown-up. Am I the only one? I mean, I just turned 30 in March and you’d think that I would feel like a grown-up. But I don’t. I still feel like maybe I should be in college...it’s almost as if my brain isn’t progressing as fast as it should. Shouldn’t I mentally feel like a 30-year-old? I do feel like a 30-year-old physically (*groan*) but not in my heart and head. Someone once told me that you never truly feel grown until your parents pass on. If that is the case, I hope I don’t feel like an adult for a long time. I sometimes wonder if having children will change this. I guess we have to see when that time comes.

I currently work as a technical writer for a government agency (it’s not as exciting as it sounds) but the last few years I’ve had this vision of being a freelance or book editor. I’d also love to own a used bookstore in an antebellum home. I don’t know if these goals will ever be realized, but at least I have something to strive for. I wonder if that’s why I don’t feel completely grown. If you achieve all of your goals, do you then feel satisfied and grown up? I doubt it.

Someday when my future kids are old enough, I will probably warn them of the dangers of idealizing adulthood. I don’t want to discourage them by saying, “You are so lucky! Just wait until you’re an adult. Then you’ll see how hard life is.” No, I do not want to be a downer. But I do want to be real and I want my kids to know that life is hard work and is what you make of it. I just hope that I’m a good example of that and can live my life to the fullest. I hope I can help them from making the same mistakes I did. I know that God is with me and if I let Him work in me, then I’ll have the best life possible...better than I could have chosen for myself.

From us both,
Love, etc.
xx

All roads lead to Rome...

Do you ever wonder sometimes in life whether you've ever strayed too far from the path allotted to you?

When something seems to good to be true and you follow it then it all goes wrong, does it ever make you question whether it really had been too good to be true and you weren't meant to be doing it at all?

Something I've learn in the last few weeks is that things are nearly always too good to be true. There's nearly always a catch. But its what you decide to do when faced with that catch that matters I think. Everyone over-idealises situations in their lives, but it takes real guts to face up and admit that its not what you thought but that you'll work with it anyway.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always
reach my destination"
James Dean

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. When I said all roads lead to Rome, what I really meant was all roads lead to mixing sound for Last Night of the Proms. Somehow.

xx

Coffee & Chat (part 6)

I always thought turning the other cheek was a lesson about humility and submission. Turns out its not. Not really.

Turns out that if someone is struck with the back of the hand puts them in their place as a servant, but if you turn the other cheek, that forces the person to strike you with the flat of their hand, the move of a fair fight, which places you as their equal. If someone demanded your cloak and you gave them your undergarments too, they would be causing you to be naked, which was one of the biggest taboos of the time and put them firmly in the wrong for asking it of you.

And as for going the extra mile?? Did you know that Roman centurions were allowed to make the local peasants carry their packs while they marched? But that if the peasants passed out/collapsed whilst doing so, the Centurion would be court marshalled??

Its amazing how fresh a perspective can be brought to a situation through an understanding shoulder to cry on, a cup of coffee and some tlc

love, etc.
xx

No Regrets (a.k.a. Time Flies When You're Having Fun)

And once again, my blog becomes cliche central!! With good reason today though - I only realised when the mothership pointed it out that I left Egham 5 months ago. Somehow, its May. HOW?! HOW IS IT MAY!! THAT MEANS ITS ALMOST JUNE WHICH IS HALF A FLIPPING YEAR!!

What have I done in the last 5 months? And how has it gone so fast? And why am I not prouder of myself that I'm successfully standing on my own two feet (away from Egham) starting a new life for myself (more or less away from Egham)?!

I have never been surer of anything in my life than I was that leaving Egham at Christmas was the right thing for me to do. Its rare for me to feel called to do something (it means God is shouting REALLY loud) but ohmigosh was I scared. To leave the place that I'd called home for 4 years, and to make that decision in a matter of days. Scared doesn't really begin to describe it - I had nothing to leave for apart from a feeling, and an awful lot to stay for, including a job, somewhere to leave and my life there.

The last time I was making a hugely life-changing move that I was resisting very much (Petersfield to Egham) (ironic I know that the reverse was then so hard!), I was given a very good piece of advice - look back, but never turn back. I know that when I go back to Egham (yes, when) (as if that was ever in doubt!) I won't be an English student who does sound in her spare time. I'll be a Sound Engineer. I'll be an adult. I'll have a different place in the same ever-growing, ever-loving family that I left behind me 5 months ago. I'll still be me, I'll just be a different me.

I might not be Laura Robins though...

love, etc.
xx

Just incase I was in any doubt...

I've spent a lot of time doubting this last week. Not so much "any doubt" as "an awful lot of doubt that occasionally flickers in to certainty" (and not in a good way) And its mostly my own fault.

*backtrack* On my first day, I almost quit. 10 minutes in, I had so much on my plate that I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry What I didn't share at the time was the reasons why I didn't (apart from good old-fashioned pig-headedness and refusing to be beaten by something so mundane as not having the faintest clue about how to do anything I'd been asked to do)

*present day* for future reference, I spend a lot of my time (well, a little bit of my time) sitting in the foyer feeling exhausted and trying to blend in and look like I'm working really hard (which rarely, if ever, works, as sitting and doing nothing is not a part of my job description...)

*backtrack* so I'm sitting there on my first day wondering what on God's green earth I've got myself in to when some random guy walks in (on your first day in a new school, there are LOTS of random guys) and introduced himself as the pastor of Petersfield Christian Fellowship & told me that they book out The Studio once a month for a worship meeting and would that be something I'd be interested in working on. Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 1.

*still backtracked but forward a little* to the first day of the easter holidays. Having gone through The Studio diary and realised just how many (few) free weekends I had this term to see The Drummer and just how heavy all the set seems to be, I was starting to have another major wobble. When the guy I'm taking over from ups and comes out as a Christian, leading to a long conversation about how to manage the job AND still get to church on a Sunday (answer...with some difficulty, careful arrangement and overcoming the tiredness to go out again after you're at home on the sofa) Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 2.

*present day -2* with a very tired quite unhappy Beautiful Intellectual after a rehearsal where nothing had gone right, the lights were all over the place and The Boss had gotten mildly irate that we opened in 2 days and had still not done a full run-through of the play yet. I had a very long very tearful conversation with The Drummer when I got home where I was wondering how much longer I could cope with the job and he was trying to persuade me not to quit. He asked what had happened to all the confidence I'd had over the Affirmations That I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All, and that just upset me even more because I hadn't felt I'd had any in so long. I had a little grumpy "well I wish I could have some more" strop, stamped my foot a bit, and went to bed.

*present day -1* Literal staggered in to school. Seriously lacking the energy to place one foot in front of the other, let alone put in a full days work then have a Dress Rehearsal. Fired off a few txts to The Gang, not expecting a huge amount other than sympathetic noises (which was really what I was after) and instead got informed that they were having a day of prayer and would be praying for me all day. Yesterday, nothing could go wrong. The Dress Rehearsal ran (from my point of view) like a dream and I didn't feel so tired or so emotional (and if you don't believe me, just ask The Drummer. I was *definitely* in a good mood last night) It hit me like a hard-hitting thing (WHAT?! I've worked 112 hours in 10 days with no time off. Give a girl a break for not coming up with a more creative simile!) that that was Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 3 - when I remembered to ask for prayer, God stepped in again.

It reminded me of something Mrs Shep always tells me - prayer works, but only if you pray. And just incase I needed reminding, today I got Affirmations 4, 5, 6 and 7 (The Drummer,'s patience and love and encouragement for me when I was having a pre-show meltdown, a perfect first run with the lighting, Little Miss Dance sorting out the slideshow for the event immediately following the matinee and a fantastic site team who totally picked up the pieces from my *small* error (setting of the fire alarms all around the site with the smoke machine) with no problems)

Four in a day. In case I needed reminding that all I need to do is ask.

Love, etc.
xx

A mixed bag

I'm so tired today I can barely tell which way is up, let alone what day of the week it is. And even at the times that my brain registers it's Thursday, there's no point in thinking about the weekend, as such a phenomena does not appear in my diary now until the end of May. I don't think I need to have another Pollyanna Day, as even when I'm flicking through my diary bemoaning how full it is, the Drummer's visits are highlighted in bright yellow & jump out of the business to make me smile.

That hectic busyness means that, yes, I'm totally and utterly exhausted 4 days in to term - as if starting work wasn't enough, on my second day in the job, I had to direct lighting at Portsmouth Guildhall for Rock Challenge, which meant a 7am departure from school and a midnight return to Petersfield. BUT. It meant that I got to direct lighting AT PORTSMOUTH GUILDHALL. On my SECOND DAY IN THE JOB.

That hectic busyness means that I seriously feel like I'm neglecting my friends, I feel cut off from Egham and, when I'm having a serious pity party, I feel neglected and like no-one is even missing me. BUT. The hectic busyness means that the days are flying by. I'm learning TONNES and each gig I get offered is more exciting than the last (slight lie there because nothing has yet beaten Rock Challenge, but that was pretty much a one off) (apart from when I get to do it again at the Southern Finals at the end of May) (and again at the Sheffield Arena at the beginning of July if we place in the top 6 in the Southern Finals) (Yes, directing lighting at the SHEFFIELD ARENA at the end of my first term. Yes)

That hectic busyness means that the Drummer is getting quite a lame deal of a girlfriend at the moment. Today he called me at lunchtime "just to hear my voice while I was awake," because all I've done for the last 5 nights is fall asleep on the phone to him. Literally (which has apparently made for some very interesting conversations that I have no recollection of...) (I totally get my own back every morning though while I GET TO WORK at 0745 and then call him to WAKE HIM UP. Yes. Exactly) The lame deal extends to having to sit and watch while I pack down the set when he's come to spend the weekend after a show week...the lame deal extends to a lot of "I miss your face/hugs/voice txts...the lame deal extends to him being almost as sleepy as me as he sits up waiting for me to get to bed and call him just so he knows I got home ok. But he gets to see me grow and thrive in a job we both know I was made for and was called to do. So he's ok with that.

As am I.

Love, etc.
xx

Organisation

I got asked the other day how I manage to juggle work & a social life in Hampshire with a social life in Surrey along with a boyfriend and a small but growing freelance career in both counties.

Answer?? Bang goes the social life. The boyfriend is getting increasingly used to seeing me sleep since by the time I get to him I'm normally shattered.

Sensible answer?? Like this:

My life is split across that stack, and calls on my best OCD tendencies to make sure nothing overlaps and clashes and that nothing gets missed. At any one time, making plans involves at least 2 of the above, if not more, with my PDA (mostly home & freelance use) and Work Daily Planner (obviously Work) being the 2 most essential items. If I lost either, I think the world would end. Its not a chance I'm willing to take! But then my jotter is always within a few feet of me to scribble down things I need to do, blog ideas, shopping lists, adresses and phone numbers etc, and my freelance book & work notebooks are never far behind incase the phone rings with bookings and/or changes of plan. So really, all 5 are never far from my grasp.

Sanity, however, is retreating rapidly. And I'd quite like it back! Routine, feel free to emerge, any time you feel good and ready. I'm waiting for you.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. you know you've MADE IT in my life when you're a social arrangement highlighted in yellow in my work planner because you are immovable. Aren't you the special ones!!

Family Matters

Yesterday I had the loveliest day - lunch with my big sister, hot chocolate with my mum and a quick chat with dad about how his morning show had been while he fixed her computer, then cooked dinner with my little sister & had family film night with mum & dad and my little brother and said sister.

And the best thing about all of it?? Not one of them is actually related to me. My big sister adopted me when she was a finalist and I was a little Fresher dead scared of her and most of the rest of my Alpha group (I believe the bonding moment was the moment where we both collapsed in uncontrolable giggles at her phrase "well that's just a whole nother can of baked beans" Shep got mildly frustrated, and we just laughed more) My hot chocolate mum was one of my babysitting parents until we bceame prayer partners & now I come and go from their house as and when I'm free. The computer-fixing dad isn't married to my hot chocolate mum - he's actually one half of my original university parents who took me under their wing during my first year, feeding me and lending me their very gorgeous little ones whenever I wanted to play on the swings. And as for Mum, Dad and my little brother & sister - they've become my second family in the last eighteen months.

And where did I get all these extra family members from?? You've heard me say on here before that St Johns chanaged my life. These people adopted me and haven't looked back since. They've taught me a lot about myself and the world; they've looked after me and built me up and taught me to stand on my own two feet; they've given me love and support so totally above and beyond friendship.

They are truly the embodiment of the ideal church. One of my friends is struggling at the moment with the concept of church - feeling on the outskirts; not being looked after; not seeing the lauded ideal of "the family of Christ" and everytime we talk about it, I realise how lucky I am to have fallen so hard and so solidly on my feet that I have a home away from home & second third and fourth families to look after me.

There is a verse that goes something like,

"in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others"

Romans 12v5

I want to make people feel that welcome - I have work to do with some people, lots of work to do with others. But we're all called to work that out in our lives, so I've realised its about time I did.

Join me?? Because family matters.

Love, etc.

xx

I saw this..

So a few years ago (possibly a good few years ago) the Royal Mail ran an ad campaign around the idea of "I saw this and thought of you" Obviously you were to then send said thing to said person via Royal Mail. The cynic in me saw this for what it was - a blatant plug to get more revnue for the Royal mail as email and other forms of virtual communication were on the increase. However, the increasingly (vomit-inducing) soppy side of me actually loves the idea. How many times a day do you see something that makes you think about someone, or reminds you of a situation with a person, or a memory of a certain time? Answer - often. Daily. More than daily. Very regularly at least.

Yesterday alone I had the following:

• reading a magazine to be confronted with a double-page spread of turquoise dresses and accessories that made me think of Blue Eyes.
• playing Top Golf with The Drummer & being reminded of going to play this time last year with my Littlest One & the now infamous "BUT THAT'S NOT MY BALL" incident.
• Watching Family Guy and hearing someone pity the fool, Mr T style & feeling the need to txt (soon to be) Mr Bean & remind him of our afternoon of bonding while he got his (Mr T) outfit for Bean's 21st.

and I'm sure there were many more.

BUT. How often do you then do something about it? It doesn't have to be to send the thing to the person, but to acknowledge it in some way? A txt. A message. Opening your mouth and telling them. Its not that difficult to make the effort & make them smile. And it might just make their day.

Love, etc.

xx

Annnnd relax...

Last weekend, The Drummer took me home to meet his parents. I have to admit, I was utterly TERRIFIED at this prospect, despite all his reassurances that they would love me, if only because he did, let alone any other reason. He very nearly had to drag me out the car when we got there, but within literally minutes of arriving, I was curled up on the sofa teasing him about how proud he'd been introducing me to his parents (seriously...was so CUTE!)

Mummy J & Daddy J couldn't have been more welcoming or put me more at my ease & I don't think they could have spoilt the two of us much more than they did, both with the amount of time they spent with us and with the FOOD! Bacon & Pancakes for breakfast, a HUGE chinese takeaway for dinner (with the MOTHER of all Pancake rolls) and a truly delicious roast on Sunday. OH, and an Easter Egg each to bring home with us. They could not have loved on us any more if they had tried!!

It was an amazing weekend, not just because of the welcome I received, but also because of this:

and this:

Weymouth is a beautiful place. and I seriously cannot wait to go back and spend some more time there. The weekend was SO relaxing - totally stress-free & so peaceful. I didn't go near a computer once, and left my phone at the house for the whole time, mostly turned off. It was a total retreat from my crazybusy life and was SO good for me!!

I will return. I *will*.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Mummy J & Daddy J - this one's for you
xx

Working Girl.

10 months of unemployment sure does stew your brain cells. A challenge 2 months ago used to consist of rewriting my CV to tie-in with any given job spec three or four times a day. A challenge now means "here's a lighting plan from Debs (who's on maternity leave) can you rig it for me. Oh, and Rock Challenge is on the second day of next term - can you start work on a lighting plan for that. And get the diary dates for Place of the Pigs in your planner because that needs to be rigged at the end of the first week of term" And that was just my first five minutes on my first day (I kid you not...I've never felt more like curling up in a ball and sobbing than I did after that "induction meeting")

Hitting the ground running understates what is looking like a marathon between now and half-term. Now and the summer really, as my diary is full right up until then, culminating in my first "outside broadcast" in the last week of term. I swing between thinking I'm absolutely crazy for thinking I can do this job and being so very very excited every time I open the doors and see *my* theatre.

There have been many panicked messages to The Drummer & frequent questioning of Sound Man & RJ as to whether the wanting to curl up in a ball & cry/crawl into a hole & give up/hibernate will go away, but each and every time I've been met with an overwhelming response. Sometimes (mostly) earthly - a well-timed txt, or our lovely caretaker making LUSH chocolate cake & leaving it in the staff room, or finding the right person on site to answer my question, but at the times I've been panicking worst, God has turned round and just smacked me right back into place. These instances include being introduced to the pastor of a local church who meet in the theatre once a month right at the time I was txting The Drummer wondering whether I'd made a mistake accepting the job, or chatting to the guy I'm taking over from about the anti-social hours, getting upset and changing the topic to just passing the time of day and discovering he's a Christian & then getting an opportunity to chat about juggling the work and going to church. Its made me realise all over again that God won't be giving me more than I can handle (but that, since its me, its more than possible I'm severely underestimating myself)

A day at a time, as I do more things and realise that a) I do know what I'm doing for most of it and b) what I don't know, I can quickly learn, I'm calming down, relaxing slightly, and even today, for the first time, enjoying it.

Maybe by next Easter, I'll have settled down!!

Love, etc.
xx

Love is...

I learnt a lot about love this weekend.

Love isn't big expensive gestures. Love isn't being lavished with gifts. Love isn't bunches of flowers, no matter how perfect any or all of the above are.

Love is going out of your way to give my god-daughter a lift to Ashburnham, even though it meant you were caught up so badly in the Friday traffic.

Love is knowing when I need a neck rub to calm me down.

Love is spending your free time doing tech work I should have done to make sure I got some free time too.

Love is sitting in the dark with me when I have a migraine, holding me and rubbing my forehead when that technically broke all the purpling rules.

Love is getting my hot chocolate once I'm upright again because moving hurts my head.

Love is you, Mr Drummer Boy. And I'm so glad you're all mine.

Love, etc.
xx

Problematic

I love being a Sound Engineer. I actually love it - I love music and how it all works together, I love mixing the different instruments together to make it sound good, I love the process of starting with an empty room and ending up with an awesome band blaring out the speakers.

The one thing I don't like about being a Sound Engineer is the stress. Not the stress of an event - that gets my adrenaline going and gives me the kicks to get going and get everything rigged. More the stress that I put myself under. Some of it healthy to make sure that everything is planned & all the kit gets on the van, most of it much less healthy that just ties me up in knots and makes me panic.

This weekend I'm doing a regular gig - I've done it exactly the same before, for the same clients with the same kit in the same venue. I've even got pretty much the same band as before, yet still I ended up in a flat spin yesterday while I was rigging. I could do it in my sleep, yet I still need Shep to dive in and help me before I lost the plot - I stressed myself out totally unnecessarily over something I know I could do. Even the AV side of things (which is still a bit new to me & still fills me with dread when I'm using any system other than that which I've been trained on) is all do-able (once I was provided with a laptop that actually WORKED) but yet I found myself in tears when I was prepping kit yesterday morning because I couldn't at that point see it working. Yet if I'd stopped to think about it logically, there was no need to panic. There were so many other solutions if Plan A hadn't worked. Its just occurred to me that technology is what makes this all so complicated - if the technology doesn't work, then that's that. New plan needed. But without technology, I'd be without a job. That I happen to love very much. So instead of dispensing with technology, I think I'll dispense with the panic. OK?

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunlight

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Love, etc.

xx

I'm so proud!

Today I proudly present (with HUGE thanks to Nessa)...my first blogging award!!


The Rules:

As an award recipient, I am asking you to do the following:

List seven things that you love and then pass the award on to seven bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

So my 7 things...

Music

I love most kinds of music...singing it, playing it, listening to it, mixing it...I love how it all fits together and I *love* the shiver you get down your spine from certain melodies/harmonies. Love it.

GodHe's kind of important in my life. Without Him, I wouldn't have gone to St Johns...the rest is history.

Hugs

I don't think I function properly without my hugs and cuddles. From the kids, from The Drummer. From pretty much anyone really. Its all about the cuddles.

My FriendsAin't that the truth!!

Sound Desks

Because I am officially a geek. But that's my job. So I get to do what I love all day every day. And I don't think it gets much better than that!!

TechnologyIn all its forms, I am a fan. Living away from the majority of my friends (and my boy) I pretty much rely on technology to keep me sane. I am rarely far from an internet connection and never more than a foot away from my phone.

The kids

Babysitting is, without doubt, one of the things I miss most now I'm back home, and seeing them all and getting so many hugs and excited "guess what? guess whats?" everytime I go visit is one of the best things in the world :)

And as for my 7 favourite bloggers...that's kinda tough!! In no particular order now,

* Miss Blue Eyes

* Miss Musing

* Lele

* BlueBelle

* Sarcastiscally Optimistic

* Ariel

* Lily

So there we go. Enjoy your awards ladies, and keep up the good work!!

Coffee & Chat** (part 5)

"Do not mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon"

Lesley Garrett used to annoy the hell out of me, particularly when she got to dance with Mr du Beke every week, so I wasn't best pleased when she started turning up on Loose Women. However, I am totally and utterly converted to her these days - she's actually hilarious and I see a lot of myself in her (i.e. verbal diarrhea, constant hysterical gigling, wildly inappropriate with gorgeous men, constant singing etc) and really respected her today when they were talking about their mottos for life.

Things might feel like they're in a rut right now, but you can't stop once you get to the top of the rut. Once you're up there, there's a new horizon to aim for. Further away than you think is possible, sure, but didn't you think that the top of the rut was impossible just a short time ago??

Love, etc.
xx

**OK, so I was having lunch and they were having coffee & chatting on the tv, but still...
x

Taking my life off hold...

I was reading Miss Blue Eyes' latest blog this morning & thinking about what she said when I realised why I'm quite so excited about having a job - I can finally take my life off hold.

Since I applied for my first job last May, I've been constantly waiting for interviews/call backs/employment offers and not been able to make big plans because of such uncertainty over what I'd be doing when. That uncertainty meant no holidays, however big or small last summer because I didn't know when I may or may not be starting work. That uncertainty meant I couldn't move in with friends last September because money was so short and I didn't know where or when it would next appear. That uncertainty meant I was confined to being within a day's travel of London and/or Egham (I know, totally not that much of a chore to me!) incase I was called for interview.

Suddenly, now I have a job, this has all changed - I can plan trips to the seaside for Easter and daytrips to London over the summer. I'm thinking about Soul Survivor as a very real possibility and definitely planning a trip back to Rome with Miss Africa. I can afford to be spontaneous and go shopping for the day in the sunshine.

Its not about the money, although that does bring with it a certain freedom that I've been lacking these last 10 months. Its more about relaxing into and enjoying the freedom of the structure beginning to reappear after so long without it.

Its possible this thought made more sense in my head...

Love, etc.
xx

Coming to expect the unexpected

I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that there's no point in trying to second guess God - the biggest things that have happened/are happening in my life were completely unseen. I had no idea when I left Egham to come home for 2 days for Bugsy Malone that it would end up with me leaving for good. I didn't know that when I left The Crown on my last night in Egham that I would end up going out with The Drummer less than a month later (although his txt about an hour after we left did give the game away a little bit...) I had very little faith that there was a point in submitting my application form to TPS 3 days after the closing date, but they called me the next day to offer me an interview.

I like to believe He does the same with people too by the way. I came across a quote the other day from Little Miss reminding me that

...certain people enter our lives at the most peculiar times, for the most beautiful reasons.
They seem to make such perfect impressions whilst leaving behind an everlasting impact. Some of the best things in life appear when you least expect them...

I was reminded of it again last night when I was trying to field conversations with three of my best friends - a very upset god-daughter having a crisis that I just had no answers for, my littlest one having a good old fashioned bad day and needing cheering up and Miss Africa scared about injections & operations. I didn't have answers for any of them, and just couldn't seem to say anything to help. I in turn was getting upset to The Drummer, who did what he does best - called me to cheer me up. Just hearing his voice, particularly hearing the concern in it, brought my smile back. His prayers for me and the girls meant that I was able to send them off to bed smiling (more or less) and cheer up myself before going to sleep.

I was busy having my own crisis that I didn't have answers and couldn't help that I forgot the advice I give my girls so often - we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. I didn't need to have the answers; I just needed to listen & be there. That's all they needed, and that's what I was (eventually) able to do. I've been given everything I need to cope with what's thrown at me. And someone to remind me that I've got it all when I forget.

I guess it all comes down to knowing Who knows what is best for you.

Love, etc.
xx

Perfection in the face of desperation, or, Why I should stop trying and start trusting.

I need to sleep. Really need to sleep. Today has been exhausting & my nerves and emotions are shot. But first, let me introduce you to my new office...

Desperation meant I was searching school websites for study supervisors when I saw that TPS wanted a Theatre Technician. Desperation meant that I cried when I saw it had closed 3 days earlier. Desperation meant I applied for it anyway. And perfection meant that I got called for interview the next day.

Desperation meant that when my interview got rescheduled last week, I lost the plot (and when I say "lost the plot," I mean in a seriously absolutely totally spectacularly I-am-an-epic-failure-at-life kinda way...) Perfection meant that I had 5 extra days to learn as much as I could about lighting (perfection also meant that I needed to know barely any of it during my interview!)

Desperation meant I was totally honest about how much prayer I needed. Perfection meant I was surrounded and covered by it & was constantly reminded all day just how blessed I am with my friends.

Desperation meant that when he hadn't called by 1700, I gave up on hearing today. Perfection meant that we'd just sat down to eat when he called & The Drummer & my parents were all there to celebrate with me.

Desperation has become all too familiar to me recently. But from here on in?? I'm going to stop trying and start trusting and just see what happens. Because what's happened so far is pretty damn good.


Love, etc.
xx

Funny how things turn out...

Bluebelle's little sister looked around our old university yesterday, and when we were chatting about it over lunch today, I asked her why she'd chosen it as a potential college for her degree. Her answer? "Because its really pretty" It was quite amusing, particularly as that's pretty much the reason her elder sister chose said university to study at. A quick straw poll round the table established that the majority of people chose it because "it was pretty" (even The Drummer) (although he protests that he didn't say pretty...) **

I have to admit that I, for one, wasn't keen on the idea of a London university. And by not keen, I mean utterly totally dead set against it. To the point of having a minor coronary every time someone suggested one of the London colleges to fill the last gap on my UCAS form. I didn't want to live in London. I didn't want to work in London. I just didn't want to be anywhere near London. The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever refused to take no for an answer when she told me that RoHo was the perfect place for me. The ensuing conversation went something along the following lines...

Karen (because there was no way I was typing out The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever every other line) : I think you should consider it
Me: But its London. I Don't. Want. London.
Karen: Stop being so stroppy with me. Go and look at the website and come back in half an hour a better reason for not applying than "I don't want to"

*loads website*

*slinks back in to Karen's office 2 minutes later*

Me: OK, so when are we sending off my complete UCAS form.

To give her her due, she's never once to this day said I told you so. And she totally could have done. Because she did. Just for that one little conversation, everything today could be so very different. Yes, she knew me very well and knew I wasn't going to fly off the handle at her pushing me, but even so, she still dared to push me. Who do you need to push today??

In my defence though, when faced with this


and this


its hardly surprising I caved.

Oh, and I'm totally over the London thing.

Funny how things turn out.

love, etc.
xx

** the fact that two of the guys tried to claim it was chosen for course content is, I feel, slightly beside the point. They're boys. And at least one of them was fibbing (The other claimed monetary reasons, which were entirely utterly plausable...)

Understanding, or, When Things Suddenly Fall Into Place

The Godfather is one of my biggest fans (he has to be...its in the job description) but even he couldn't contain his laughter when we were chatting earlier about Skegness (goodness knows why!) & I shared with him part of The Epic Tale Of Our Journey In The Big Red Machine. That tale in its entirety is to be kept for another time, but suffice to say, the bit he found amusing was where I had to be taught where Skegness was. When I was on my way there. Yes. Apparently its nowhere near Blackpool. In my defence, Geography has never been my strong point...

In an attempt to curb his laughter, I shared a few other examples of my slowness in understanding, in the hope that he would see that its a) not my fault I'm a bit dim and b) that its not that funny. Turns out a) it may or may not be my fault I'm a bit dim but that b) it certainly is that funny. So what if I grew up in a Christian home on a healthy diet of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and it still took me 22 years to work out why its always winter and never Christmas?! Or that the phrase "no room to swing a cat" doesn't actually refer to felines?! Or being on the London Eye and realising (i.e. being told) that the pods rotate so they stay upright rather than going upside down at the top. Or...I think I might stop now**.

I had another such moment where everything falls into place this morning when I was reading. I have to admit, I've fallen prey to popularist culture (I know, so very rare for me!), and yesterday picked up a copy of The Shack, which is the latest Christian fad in popular literature. When it comes to "Christian novels" I am all sorts of a skeptic, and have resisted thus far, but I was bored, and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I'm only about halfway through and have yet to lose my skepticism. I did almost waver and give in this morning though when I read the following lines,

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within
their ability to fly, not the other way round...You, on the other hand, were created
to be loved. So for you, to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the
other way round....Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its
ability to fly" The Shack by WM Paul Young

I know everyone blathers on about no-one loving you unless you love yourself, but I genuinely believe that unless you are loved, unless you experience what it is to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed, you can't fully understand what love is. And when you have it, everything does fall in to place and you realise that you can fly. Not that you ever couldn't, it just helps when you have someone believing in you.

Love, etc.
xx

** OK, so the London Eye thing was a bit dim, but the rest of them still stand.

Normal

If you've ever spent any length of time with my family, you'll know that the phrase "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps" could have been written about our household. Its a running joke that none of us have emerged to join the real world "normal," for after all, what is normal?? ** All jokes aside though, I was thinking about this the other night - what is normal?? Normal is sitting on the sofa Facebooking while The Drummer watches Top Gear. Normal is coffee in Neros and seeing half of St Johns walk past the window. Normal is Sunday night in the pub with the gang.

But normal is also walking in through the front door to the comforting smell of "home," normal is my own space and all my stuff around me, normal is Thursday Coffee with The Godfather. What is normal??

Egham is normal. Petersfield is normal. And spending so much time in both recently has just made me realise how special normal can be. Life will never be entirely normal while I split my life between two counties, but I'm detemined to enjoy the normalcy in amongst the madness.

Love, etc.
xx

** I would like to clarify that I am, in fact, the most normal of all of us. Yes.

Habits

I was having a chat with my Littlest One the other night about habits and why they're so hard to break. I've got to be honest...I am probably THE worst person to talk to about changing habits - I am appallingly bad at changing the way I think about things, even if it would be much better for me to do so. This personality trait leads to the infuriation of my friends (at best) and large amounts of hurt for me (at worst) but it is, even so, a habit in and of itself I suppose.

Its easy to talk about things with my Littlest One because she really is like the other half of my brain to the extent that her brain can unscramble what my brain is trying to say (and quite often say it back to me in a way that actually makes sense) so when she was met with the comment "it might be a bit broken but at least it definitely still functions so why try and fix it" she knew what I was trying to say - often we don't change our habits because we don't want to *quite* enough. It doesn't hurt *quite* enough to force us through the process of change...it won't benefit us *quite* enough to warrant the effort...its not *quite* what we really want to do, even if its right. And we all do it. And we all suffer. And most of us never learn. And even if we do learn, we never learn *quite* enough and, oh. We're back there again.

Sometimes, however, there is incentive enough to overcome that barrier, and in my experience, its sadly only either extreme pain to ourselves or to those we care about that can make the change. Our worst enemies when it comes to changing our thoughts and habits are our own brains, and it takes a LOT to change how they're wired. For example, when I had Glandular Fever (mono for all you Yanks) I got depression and a wierdy death complex that prevented me from ever being alone (including at night) or I started having panic attacks. This, at the age of 17, was significantly NOT. COOL. I had school counselling. I had church counselling. I had peer counselling (of a VERY rough and ready variety) but nothing worked until one day out of desperation, I chose to rewrite my brain. I wore, for 3 or 4 months, a hair elastic round my wrist - one of the ones with the little metal bit on it - and pinged it against myself every time I started to panic. Believe me, it HURTS (if you don't believe me, go try it. Not fun) and eventually it worked. My brain started to associate its irrational thoughts about death with that pain, and eventually it changed the way it thought. The pain was enough to overcome the habit.

A more recent (and slightly happier) example is The Drummer quitting smoking (for which I am SO SO proud of him for doing) He gave up, full on cold-turkey on New Years Day and for 15 days didn't touch a cigarette. A minor indescretion occurred the night before we got together that ended up in a few cigarettes being smoked. Bean will testify that I lost the plot. Tears were very nearly shed. I was so disappointed for him because he'd done so well BUT the knowledge of how upset it made me means he hasn't smoked since (possibly also the COMPLETE certainity he has of not gettting kisses if he tastes like an ash-tray) Jokes aside, he knows how much it upsets me, and that's helped him overcome the habit. To the extent where, when I said if he ended up smoking with the boys in Canada, that would be ok as long as he didn't come back and not be able to stop again, he said he still wouldn't (yes, he's amazing. I know) (and all mine)

Those were genuinely the only examples that came to mind for reasons for having changed habits which is a bit sad. Plenty more examples came for people who want to change because they're hurting other people - why why WHY does it come to this before we find the incentive for change??

I can answer my own question there - because its so darn hard. And it is. It really really is, even when it comes to the good stuff - I know people who have struggled so so much with the concept of God loving them enough to forgive them anything they've repented of...I know people who struggle to accept the love of their other half, even when everyone else around them can see it a mile off. I'm totally guilty of that one myself - its a constant surprise that The Drummer misses me/cares about me/wants to be with me as I do him, and I totally put that down to damage caused by previous habits I could never quite change - that's my incentive to change how I think about myself: the damage caused to my heart and my thoughts by my old habits could seriously jeopardise the present (and that would really REALLY suck, because I kinda like this one!)

You've got to look around and see who else is hurting too. Hurting FOR you, because you don't hurt enough for yourself. And you have to also believe you're worth the change, because those people believe it of you, but that's not quite enough. The change, ultimately, comes from you. Because you ARE quite enough. You have quite enough in you to do it.

And even if you don't always believe in yourself, He does. Always has done, and always will.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12v9

Love, etc.
xx

A New Perspective

“Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life. He has put the vision in you — proceed. To wait, to wonder, to doubt. To be indecisive is to disobey God.” Andy Andrews

I came across this this morning, courtesy of Little Miss. I have to be honest, I've never ever thought about it all like this before. And I think Mr Andrews might be right. If I think about it, without God (via St Johns) (and associated opportunities), there'd be no knowledge of sound engineering, let alone such a passion for it. So why do I doubt that there's a long-term plan involving it??

Enough waiting. Enough wondering. Enough doubt. Time to DO (and that goes for the rest of you too...its not just me getting my butt into gear...come join me)

Love, etc.
xx

Converted

I am, at heart, a cynic. About a lot of things. And Valentines Day is definitely one of them. I'm well up there with the best of them - why should there be just one day of the year when your other half is reminded by every shop they go in how much they love you/how lucky they are to have you/what you mean to them. Oh, and that they NEED to be reminded of that?! No thanks.

But.

After yesterday, I am forever converted. As most of you bloggers/tweeps know, The Drummer is snowboarding in Canada right now (something to do with it having been booked months before we got together when he was still pretty sure I wasn't going to go out with him) (long story to be shared another time) (if he lets me) so I knew that I wasn't even going to be able to talk to him let alone see him and spend Valentines Day with him. It was still the best. one. ever. I thought 2 years ago when I got a Lego rose from my sister that that was pretty cool, but no. On Sat
urday, I was woken by Interflora delivering these:

For a cynic, I was very very tearfully happy.

Yay, real flowers from my boy for Valentines Day :) But not just that. Not even mostly that (although they are STUNNING and keep making me smile everytime I walk in my room) For the record (and those not in the know), tulips are my favourite flowers, and pink/purple are my favourite colors. I have friends of many years who couldn't tell you that, but The Drummer (after just 1 month!!) got it spot on. It wasn't the gesture that converted me - it was his knowledge of me and his desire to show how much he cares about me by getting it right for *me*

Maybe Valentines Day isn't about subscribing to commercialism, its not about gifts, but is a day of the year set aside in our hectically busy lives to remind people to tell their other halves how they feel. Its not actually just one day out of 365 - you can be sure that the memories of this our first Valentines Day will last much longer than the flowers and chocolates - even from the other side of the Atlantic, he made me feel like a Princess. And that, as far as I'm concerned, is worth all the commercialism. If he's not careful, I'm going to fall in love with him.

Love, etc.
xx

I'm right here...

I'll be honest - I wasn't paying attention to the sermon this morning. I had a million and one things flying through my (very sleepy) brain and I just couldn't persuade my brain to pay attention to a sermon based on a reading from Job.

I did manage, however, to listen to his last example, which I assume summed up his whole sermon in 2 minutes (seriously...why do preachers do that?!) It was basically a story which ran as follows:

There was once this rehearsal of Hadyn's oratorio "The Creation" where the conductor decided that having the actor singing the part of God would do better singing from one of the balconies to give the effect of a voice from the heavens. By the time he'd trekked around back stage along corridors and up and down stairs to get to said balcony and realise that he couldn't see the conductor nor hear the orchestra properly, the rehearsal was running late and they pressed on. Eventually, he was so out of time and missing so many cues that the conductor was beginning to lose patience, "God? Where are you?" "What is the hold up God?" "GOD...WHY ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR CUE?" and the like. Much to the amusement of all who were watching the rehearsal. The actor decided eventually that enough was enough and traipsed all the way back down, through backstage and round back out in to the auditorium just as the conductor finally lost the plot... "GOD?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?!? WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?!? ARE YOU EVEN THERE?!?!" and the actor playing God stepped forward, put his hand on the conductors arm, saying "I'm right here"

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out what his point was by telling that story (apart from diva-esque nature of most conductors...) but maybe its something that we could do with being reminded of now and again. Sometimes He's not as far away as you might think.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. And before you all get concerned about the million and one things flying through my brain, once I've organised a few of them into coherent thoughts, I'll blog again. Worry not my loves, all is well. I promise.
xx

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

One of the things I try and make sure I'm thankful for while I'm unemployed is my time. Just 2 months ago I was so busy I could barely tell which way was up most days and now I literally have all the time in the world. A coffee date here, dinner there, occasional visit to Egham & the like - I am very much my own boss (and starting to like the cooking/ironing/scrapbooking/sewing/card-making a concerningly large tradtional-housewife-esquely amount) (not that that's a bad thing - I'm very much looking forward to it one day, just not yet!)

What I struggle with, I guess, is the waiting. I was reminded by this beautiful lady that everything happens in His perfect time, which is often subtly (or even majorly) different to ours. Or even to our perception of His time. I'm more guilty than most of this I think, as I like to look at my life and go, "well, I'm here. Listening. Waiting. Go for it...as long as I don't have to do X, Y or Z and don't have to leave Egham" I forced myself over that barrier by leaving Egham through my own choice, but am still struggling to relinquish X, Y and Z and just wait and see what He wants. I can't imagine that I'm not meant to work with orchestras and in Sound Engineering - He did, after all, bless me with those talents and skills and desires - but the big answer as to how and when has yet to appear. There are, however, enough pointers to show me that I am doing the right thing to (try and) wait and see.

Its hard, while you're doing that, not to wish. Or, at least, not to become regretful & full of if onlys. Its hard not to wish I'd done a different degree that would make applying for jobs easier, its really hard not to wish I was still in Egham & its nigh on impossible to not look back at some of the jobs I've applied for and really regret that I didn't get them BUT to have those wishes fulfilled would have meant not being at RoHo, which would mean no St Johns, which would mean no RJ, no Sound Man and no Mr Skins, which would equal no training which means I would never have realised how much I love Sound Engineering. Still being in Egham would mean no shiny new exciting relationship with The Drummer (yeah, I get the irony on that one...ask me about it sometime...too long to explain now) And having got one of those jobs would mean that the perfect job He has for me would have been missed and overlooked.

I'm not saying don't dream dreams - sometimes its just the best thing to sit and think and dream - just don't miss the world and all the opportunities around you at the same time. And never say never to God**

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Don't suggest that now is the time to be aforementioned tradtional housewife. I (and The Drummer) will get far too scared and probably run away :p

** This is also a blog topic all of its own. To be saved for a future special occasion, as befits the topic.

Incase you've forgotten...

Do you ever have those days where you get a gentle reminder that encourages you beyond belief?? Most of the time, God has to literally kick my butt to get me to realise things, but since coming home, its been gentler and more subtle (I am more than willing to put that down to a change in my attitude, both over seeking & listening and in being more receptive to the answers to said seeking & listening)

My biggest biggest problem with leaving Egham was leaving St Johns...I'd never really done the whole God thing properly anywhere else, and was kinda scared that it wouldn't happen anywhere but there. God's been pretty consistent in reminding me that He lives elsewhere other than just St Johns...the sermons I've heard at my parents church have been amazing, and despite their style of worship being just about the furthest from my preferred style/comfort zone that its possible to be, my first Sunday there we sang the shining streets of glory song (a gang CLASSIC) and last week, In Christ Alone.

After an amazing day with The Drummer yesterday, I was in a bit (quite a lot) of a missing Egham grump this morning, and really only went to church because it was easier to go than explain to my parents why I didn't want to. Instead of leaving me in that grump (as I *so* deserved to have been left) God chose to bless me with THREE reminders that I'd done the right thing. Such very very simple things - a particular song, the message of the kids talk and a sermon based on 2 Corinthians 12v9, which is my all time favourite Bible verse - but just reminders that He is very much there with me and for me, regardless of where in the country I happen to be.

Its the simple things that are the best really...I can never understand why we make life so difficult for ourselves!!

Love, etc.
xx