I've spent a lot of time doubting this last week. Not so much "any doubt" as "an awful lot of doubt that occasionally flickers in to certainty" (and not in a good way) And its mostly my own fault.
*backtrack* On my first day, I almost quit. 10 minutes in, I had so much on my plate that I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry What I didn't share at the time was the reasons why I didn't (apart from good old-fashioned pig-headedness and refusing to be beaten by something so mundane as not having the faintest clue about how to do anything I'd been asked to do)
*present day* for future reference, I spend a lot of my time (well, a little bit of my time) sitting in the foyer feeling exhausted and trying to blend in and look like I'm working really hard (which rarely, if ever, works, as sitting and doing nothing is not a part of my job description...)
*backtrack* so I'm sitting there on my first day wondering what on God's green earth I've got myself in to when some random guy walks in (on your first day in a new school, there are LOTS of random guys) and introduced himself as the pastor of Petersfield Christian Fellowship & told me that they book out The Studio once a month for a worship meeting and would that be something I'd be interested in working on. Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 1.
*still backtracked but forward a little* to the first day of the easter holidays. Having gone through The Studio diary and realised just how many (few) free weekends I had this term to see The Drummer and just how heavy all the set seems to be, I was starting to have another major wobble. When the guy I'm taking over from ups and comes out as a Christian, leading to a long conversation about how to manage the job AND still get to church on a Sunday (answer...with some difficulty, careful arrangement and overcoming the tiredness to go out again after you're at home on the sofa) Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 2.
*present day -2* with a very tired quite unhappy Beautiful Intellectual after a rehearsal where nothing had gone right, the lights were all over the place and The Boss had gotten mildly irate that we opened in 2 days and had still not done a full run-through of the play yet. I had a very long very tearful conversation with The Drummer when I got home where I was wondering how much longer I could cope with the job and he was trying to persuade me not to quit. He asked what had happened to all the confidence I'd had over the Affirmations That I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All, and that just upset me even more because I hadn't felt I'd had any in so long. I had a little grumpy "well I wish I could have some more" strop, stamped my foot a bit, and went to bed.
*present day -1* Literal staggered in to school. Seriously lacking the energy to place one foot in front of the other, let alone put in a full days work then have a Dress Rehearsal. Fired off a few txts to The Gang, not expecting a huge amount other than sympathetic noises (which was really what I was after) and instead got informed that they were having a day of prayer and would be praying for me all day. Yesterday, nothing could go wrong. The Dress Rehearsal ran (from my point of view) like a dream and I didn't feel so tired or so emotional (and if you don't believe me, just ask The Drummer. I was *definitely* in a good mood last night) It hit me like a hard-hitting thing (WHAT?! I've worked 112 hours in 10 days with no time off. Give a girl a break for not coming up with a more creative simile!) that that was Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 3 - when I remembered to ask for prayer, God stepped in again.
It reminded me of something Mrs Shep always tells me - prayer works, but only if you pray. And just incase I needed reminding, today I got Affirmations 4, 5, 6 and 7 (The Drummer,'s patience and love and encouragement for me when I was having a pre-show meltdown, a perfect first run with the lighting, Little Miss Dance sorting out the slideshow for the event immediately following the matinee and a fantastic site team who totally picked up the pieces from my *small* error (setting of the fire alarms all around the site with the smoke machine) with no problems)
Four in a day. In case I needed reminding that all I need to do is ask.
Love, etc.
xx
*backtrack* On my first day, I almost quit. 10 minutes in, I had so much on my plate that I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry What I didn't share at the time was the reasons why I didn't (apart from good old-fashioned pig-headedness and refusing to be beaten by something so mundane as not having the faintest clue about how to do anything I'd been asked to do)
*present day* for future reference, I spend a lot of my time (well, a little bit of my time) sitting in the foyer feeling exhausted and trying to blend in and look like I'm working really hard (which rarely, if ever, works, as sitting and doing nothing is not a part of my job description...)
*backtrack* so I'm sitting there on my first day wondering what on God's green earth I've got myself in to when some random guy walks in (on your first day in a new school, there are LOTS of random guys) and introduced himself as the pastor of Petersfield Christian Fellowship & told me that they book out The Studio once a month for a worship meeting and would that be something I'd be interested in working on. Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 1.
*still backtracked but forward a little* to the first day of the easter holidays. Having gone through The Studio diary and realised just how many (few) free weekends I had this term to see The Drummer and just how heavy all the set seems to be, I was starting to have another major wobble. When the guy I'm taking over from ups and comes out as a Christian, leading to a long conversation about how to manage the job AND still get to church on a Sunday (answer...with some difficulty, careful arrangement and overcoming the tiredness to go out again after you're at home on the sofa) Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 2.
*present day -2* with a very tired quite unhappy Beautiful Intellectual after a rehearsal where nothing had gone right, the lights were all over the place and The Boss had gotten mildly irate that we opened in 2 days and had still not done a full run-through of the play yet. I had a very long very tearful conversation with The Drummer when I got home where I was wondering how much longer I could cope with the job and he was trying to persuade me not to quit. He asked what had happened to all the confidence I'd had over the Affirmations That I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All, and that just upset me even more because I hadn't felt I'd had any in so long. I had a little grumpy "well I wish I could have some more" strop, stamped my foot a bit, and went to bed.
*present day -1* Literal staggered in to school. Seriously lacking the energy to place one foot in front of the other, let alone put in a full days work then have a Dress Rehearsal. Fired off a few txts to The Gang, not expecting a huge amount other than sympathetic noises (which was really what I was after) and instead got informed that they were having a day of prayer and would be praying for me all day. Yesterday, nothing could go wrong. The Dress Rehearsal ran (from my point of view) like a dream and I didn't feel so tired or so emotional (and if you don't believe me, just ask The Drummer. I was *definitely* in a good mood last night) It hit me like a hard-hitting thing (WHAT?! I've worked 112 hours in 10 days with no time off. Give a girl a break for not coming up with a more creative simile!) that that was Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 3 - when I remembered to ask for prayer, God stepped in again.
It reminded me of something Mrs Shep always tells me - prayer works, but only if you pray. And just incase I needed reminding, today I got Affirmations 4, 5, 6 and 7 (The Drummer,'s patience and love and encouragement for me when I was having a pre-show meltdown, a perfect first run with the lighting, Little Miss Dance sorting out the slideshow for the event immediately following the matinee and a fantastic site team who totally picked up the pieces from my *small* error (setting of the fire alarms all around the site with the smoke machine) with no problems)
Four in a day. In case I needed reminding that all I need to do is ask.
Love, etc.
xx
2 comments:
i LOVE Mrs. Shep's quote: "Prayer works, but only if you pray"- how true. Cheer up, *hugs*
I actually love the fact that you set off all the fire alarms. Makes me laugh lots. One of my friends is a life guard and the fire alarm went off so she evacuated the pool, only to find out it wasn't in fact the fire alarm but the 'someone's drowning' alarm. Luckily someone else had stepped in a rescued said drowning person whilst she was evacuating the pool. At least the pool was empty which made the rescuing easier I supposer.... xxx
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