Falling. Or Just Landing On Your Feet?

Have had the idea for this post floating around my head for a while but hadn't found my hook, despite having the most beautiful quote from one of my favourite books. The Art of Falling is your typical story of self-discovery, happening to fall in love with typically stunning (often Italian) man along the way, but instead of the usual "lalala wouldn't it be nice if a stunning (Italian) man fell in my lap" thoughts**, this time the thing I took away from it was the idea that

"what some of us are most afraid of is letting ourselves be seen in our true colors,"

which is totally and utterly true. How often do we honestly answer the question "how are you?" How often do we let people in to look after us?? How often do we really admit the truth of our feelings?? And what is it stopping us?? Pride?? A wish to not impose our problems on other people?? Worries about rejection and judgement?? Or just fear that once someone has broken through the facade, we won't be able to hide anymore?? The thing that gets me is where do we get that fear from?? I'm slowly discovering that when people care about you, "I'm fine" is hurtful to them...they want to love you and care for you, and you're pushing them away with platitudes. Surely with the people who love you, you don't NEED to hide?? The facade doesn't need to exist, let alone be broken through.

Its scary, *really* scary letting someone through the facade...being used to coping alone (or perhaps, "coping" alone) can become habit forming; the smile can become too permanent; you can begin to believe that everything really is ok. But sooner or later, it breaks, so you might as well be honest now to make sure there's someone to catch you when you finally learn how to fall.

Love, etc.
xx

**Don't get me wrong...it would be totally fine if a stunning man fell in my lap. Italian or otherwise...

Hope. And an Arrivals lounge.

What does hope mean to you?? Does it mean something that you'd quite like to happen but don't really believe that it will?? Something you have more faith in, but are still not quite sure about, but can't let go of?? Or is it your eager anticipation of a future happening? Your anticipation of a future certainty - something you *know* is going to happen and can trust in?

The concept of "hope" is so comforting, but how often do we let ourselves hope in things that are just vague and woolley?? Things that we can't let go of, but cling on to, just incase. Why do we find it so easy to cling on to these things, but manage to forget that

"For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory"

And the arrivals lounge?? Just think for a second about arrivals at Heathrow (Love Actually stylee) Think of all the people standing there waiting for their loved one to arrive...each time the doors open, the anticipation, and someone's joy at seeing the person coming through. I've heard plenty in my time about being a Princess and a daughter of the King of Kings (all very valid, I hasten to add) but nothing has ever touched me as much as the concept of Heaven as an Arrivals hall, and that joy being for us, each one of us, when we get home.

When we have that hope, why do we doubt?? Why do we let the earthly crap get in the way of us fixing our eyes on that welcome and living our lives for that point??

So yeah. Hope. And an Arrivals lounge. Its been a deep day.

Love, etc
xx

**N.B. In an unusual departure from the norm, I want to dedicate this post to the preacher from whom I shamelessly have pilfered these ideas. And his lovely wife with whom he makes such a terrifyingly strong team for the Kingdom**

Pride and prejudices

One of the saddest things I've ever experienced in a church was watching my old church split itself very unhappily in two over an issue so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things that it was just heartbreaking to watch. Lifelong relationships were broken and I'm sure people were lost as a result of it and all for what?? For the church to then split again just a few years later, leaving three fractured groups where there used to be one huge vibrant congregation.

Arriving from the midst of that to St Johns to discover that there were already two congregations and plans for a third was confusing, to say the least, but after going to each of the services & becoming more involved in the church, I realised that whilst there were different groups of people who met at different times on a Sunday, "St Johns" was one very solid church that simply catered for a variety of tastes and styles. I've heard the Anglican church criticised as being all things to all people (often from the pulpit of my old church) but compared to Trinity, St Johns is doing a whole lot better at modeling the biblical principle of church. In ALL ways.

One the best things I've discovered about being part of a large, vibrant, varied congregation is how you can constantly be learning from people - their views on something, their interpretation of a certain passage or situation because of their experiences, their life experiences - if we all kept to ourselves in our happy little worship bubbles, there's a very real possibility that we would become insular, too set in our ways, too rigid, and unwelcoming to change. By keeping in touch with the other congregations, we can learn from each other...we're not fighting to keep everyone happy with one service and everyone can peacefully co-exist as individuals making up a big unit.

Now, don't get me wrong...I know the 9.15 congregation really don't like our tech kit being all over the dais, and I'll be the first to admit that the choir drive me insane when they move said kit and complain about it right when I'm trying to work. The 11am mix is too loud for some; the choir are too traditional for others, but when it comes down to it, I guess I'm proud of my church for truly embodying the concept that

The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together
as a church: every part dependent on every other part,
the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't.
If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing.
If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance (1 Corinthians 25-26)

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Yes, I worry about how Anglican I appear to have become too...I claim redemption through my use of The Message...

Sharing the love...

So I got tagged. And I'm still unemployed and have nothing better to do with my time...

A. Attached or Single? Single. But I'm working on it.

B. Best Friend? There are a special few (who really should know who they are) that keep me sane.

C. Cake or pie? Ooooh, quite tough actually...I would say pie (either Mumma's chicken or Banoffee of dreams) but then there's all stuff like Brownies. And Brownies. And Brownies. And Liz's chocolate cake. Both then, is what I'm really trying to say!

D. Day of choice? Hectic as they are, Sundays. But any day I get hugs is a good day.

E. Essential item? My phone. I'm not sure I function correctly without it. And that's not something I'm willing to test!!

F. Favorite color? Purple. Mostly. Also black for its slimming properties when it comes to clothing.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Either or.

H. Hometown? Petersfield

I. Favorite indulgence? Very close tie between wedges, cheese and beans and Jacks fish and chips (I can't say wine because that makes me sound like an alky...)

J. January or July? Ummmm. January I guess. I love winter. But only if its sunny...not a fan of the whole rain thing (hence not chosing July...)

K. Kids? Not yet.

L. Life isn’t complete without? Music, a Sound Desk, hugs and my Bible.

M. Marriage date? I have no idea, but during the summer sometime.

N. Number of brothers and sisters? for my sins, a big ugly brother.

O. Oranges or Apples? Apples. Oranges just ming.

P. Phobias? Spiders and frogs (fairly standard) death and being alone (kinda wierd)

Q. Quotes? This could take some time...

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12v9

"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" Alexander Hamilton

Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.

"Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself "Where did I go wrong?" Then a voice says to me "This is going to take more than one night." Charlie Brown

"I have spread my dreams under your feet...tread softly, because you tread on my dreams" Yeats

R. Reasons to smile? My friends & the kids. Hugs. And a certain person's grin.

S. Season of choice? I guess sort of October-y time (with no rain) There are leaves to be kicked through and jumpers to be snuggled in to.

T. Tag 5 people: Blue Eyes, Ariel, Bella Farfella, Bean and Girl Guess we'll see how often they read my bloglet...

U. Unknown fact about me? There are plenty which are unknown. And that way they shall stay. Guess I could share my inside leg measurement (33") or the fact that I still sleep with a teddy-bear every night I'm at home.

V. Vegetable? Contrary to popular belief, I do eat vegtables. Now and again.

W. Worst habit? I flip out over the smallest things in an entirely unnecessary way. But I'm lovely. Really.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Well, neither by choice, but having never had an Ultrasound, I guess X-Ray. They don't hurt at least.

Y. Your favorite food? Roast. Or Chinese food. Or Fish & Chips. Or Mumma's Chicken pie. There is no way I could ever pick just one.

Z. Zodiac sign? Pisces but I don't actually believe in them.

And that, my friends, has filled 20 valuable job-hunting minutes. What joy!

Love, etc.
xx

What would yours say??

I completely and utterly blame Blue Eyes for this latest obsession, but its not all bad. When you start reading the things people are writing on their postcards, it does make you stop and think.











Why do we keep these things a secret? Fear of judgment? Because we're too worried about people's reactions to them?? Or simply because sometimes its hard enough being honest with yourself let alone the world around you.

Maybe sometimes we just need a little encouragement to realise that



and start to be able to speak honestly at last.

Love, etc.
xx

For once, I have nothing to say...

Wait by R. Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly,longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child you must wait."

"Wait? You Say Wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me, 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair; defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night;
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' my My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all... is still... wait."

**edit**

Time for an update to the Things I have learnt methinks...

- some people talk an awful lot without actually saying anything
- "Keep away from those who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you believe that you too can become great” Mark Twain
- often the best advice comes from the most unexpected places
- just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they can
- retail therapy is extremely good for the soul
- sometimes, nothing can help apart from your mum's cooking (but for everything else, wine and chocolate do the trick...)
- "there's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you" Nelson Mandela
- never make someone a priority when to them you are merely an option

That'll do. For now.
Love, etc.
xx

We could all learn a thing or two from Harry Potter...

Or Dumbledore, at least, when he tells Harry that

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times when one only remembers to turn on the light"

Now, I'm not going off on another "every cloud has a silvery lining" blog. I promise. More or less. I've just realised in the past few days how important it is to keep perspective on what's going on around you.

I hate the fact that I'm not in Egham full time at the moment, but the time away is showing me how important some of my friendships are. In some of the most unexpected places, I'm finding reassurance of myself, security in my friendships and ultimately, contentment in who I am. It still surprises me when my friendship means the same to someone as their friendship means to me, or when someone has missed me as much as I miss them. My friends are what keep me smiling when I can't be there - I've found myself so extraordinarily blessed in my three years in Egham, and if all I learn whilst I'm away is to count my blessings more often, then that's lesson enough for me. Light on, if you will (bit of a flickery bulb at the minute though...)

On the flipside, there's also a lot of stuff about being back in Petersfield that I've been missing because I've been so dead set against being here. I haven't been to see Lee, or Sue & Maggie, all of whom are maybe 5 minutes walk away from me, and all of whom I haven't seen properly for the best part of a year. Some of my favourite times over the summer were the days where I got to have lunch and a proper chat with my Godfather, but I haven't taken advantage of the fact we're both still in the same county. This is the last time for pretty much ever that I'll have the chance to do whatever I like with so much free time...I think its about time I switched on this particular light.

Love, etc.
xx

Pleasant Distractions and pebbles on a beach

“Memory: a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.” Pierce Harris

Do you ever get the thing every now and again where you find something...a picture, letter or a certain smell...that sends your mind off on a little nostalgic tour of happiness?? I'm not talking pictures of exes that provoke huge "what might have been" tradges, or looking back at pictures from that great summer only to find the present day unfavourable in comparison ,but just those little things that make you smile as you remember.

Some things are special, and I know exactly where to find them to make me smile...my train ticket from March 13th when I worked at the Royal Albert Hall that is still in my wallet even now, the picture of the kids I keep next to my computer screen, old txt msgs at the bottom of my inbox that just fill me with smiles each time I re-read them...but some things are just random and can spring on you completely unaware...the smell of my after-sun lotion reminding me of that week in the first year where I was too burnt to wear anything other than my halter-neck bikini and top and Emma had to rub my shoulders with lotion 4 times a day...old channel plans from our big rigs reminding me of celery jokes and humongously confusing coffee orders (poor trainee Barista!)... old MSN conversations from during my finals where Superman had me in fits of giggles while we talked at cross-purposes about fire hydrants and lassoing small children or where Profound Admirer sent me Dawsons Creek quotes at each defining point of my recent life...each one a pleasant distraction full of memories of good times.

I guess the trick is to be able to let go of the rubbish - I don't particularly remember the pain of the sunburn, just the great hilarity amongst my friends that I was the same color as my ball gown for the Summer Ball that year...I don't dwell on the tiredness or the long hours or bruises acquired from the rigging, just the incredibly fun times we had doing it. I'm not saying I'm great at letting go, far from it, but as I spend more time on the pleasant distractions, I find the bad stuff melts away to prove that memory is a way of holding on to the things that you love, the things you are and the things you never want to lose. Everything else can be chucked away.

Love, etc.
xx

Profundity

"...when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it."

Winnie the Pooh was deep. Go figure.

Love, etc.
xx

Inspiration

Clearly tonight is a night of blogging inspiration. Or, more accurately, inspiration about what gives us inspiration...as it were.

Tonight, for example, I was watching You've Got Mail, a film I've seen about twenty times before (soppy romantic that I am) but was struck at least two lines that prompted the (increasingly regular) thought "oooh, that'd make a good blog entry" Sad, I know.

The first was when Meg Ryan was asked if she had anyone special in her life and she answered, "no, just...the dream of someone," referring to her mystery online man, and it made me wonder - do we make life harder for ourselves by idealising everything. She certainly had someone, an almost tangible relationship, but she missed it unfolding in real life for quite some time (at least an hour and a half) because she was too busy dreaming about her mysterious ideal.

The second was more straight-forward, but also deeper. Tom Hanks is ripping it out of the Joni Mitchell song, Both Sides Now. Now, I also have no idea what the lines "Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all" mean either, it just made me wonder how often we just look at our friends in passing...seeing them every day and them being there. Not really stopping to wonder from the look of them what will happen next until it becomes really obvious.

So yes. That's my thoughts for the day...daydreams and friendship like a weather forecast. Maybe I should watch less films.

Love, etc.
xx

Learning the hard way

"You can't always get what you want"

A classic line by the Rolling Stones that just makes me think of House arguing with Cuddy. I don't remember what they're squabbling about, but in answer to him saying he wants something only to be told that you don't always get what you want, he sasses back to her

"but if you try, sometimes you might find you get what you need."

This is so very true. True but so often forgotten. How often do we decide that we want something then get unhappy when it doesn't happen?? How many times do we decide that something is meant to be and then get hurt when it doesn't work out?? And how many time does that need to happen before we'll remember??

Blue Eyes summed this up for me last night, albeit unknowingly, by reminding me that just because someone doesn't love you way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best they can. Or in other words, it might take a while, but eventually you realise that most of the time, things do really work out for the best.

Love, etc.
x

One day at a time...

Everyone has their Oz - somewhere where they land, often unexpectedly, where they find their feet and finally feel at home. For some people, its a scenario - a situation where they flourish, becoming truly themselves at the opportunity; for others, its a place where they're able to come alive and establish themselves an identity, emerging from the shadows of others to become an individual.

When I arrived in Egham, nothing was further from my mind than the fact that this was going to be the place where I could be me. Not John & Gill's daughter like I was at home, not Ben's little sister like I was for my entire school life, but me. But three years later, I've forged an identity for myself; I've become my own person. I didn't expect this, I couldn't have predicted it to this extent, and I didn't look for it to happen, but it has, and I'm me. In my Oz.

It does make me wonder though...if I *had* looked for it, expected it, would it still have happened?? If I'd tried to make it happen, would I be genuinely me, genuinely what I was meant to become, or just something that I thought I should be? If I had spent too much time thinking and not just grabbing the opportunities, would I be the same? I think not. I'm not saying be thoughtless; after all, some of things that have shaped me the most have been learnt as a consequence of my slightly heedless nature, but on the flip side, thinking too much can just hold you back and mean that you miss what could potentially be one of best experiences of your life.

I have no idea what my future holds. There are too many unanswered questions at the moment for me to be sure what's going to happen. But that's not going to ruin the now

One day at a time--this is enough.

Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.

Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Still waiting for my Wizard though...he's still hiding behind his emerald curtain
x

Thought for the day...

No matter how big and how snuggly, a cuddle from the duvet is not the same as the real thing.

Love, etc.
xx

I am who I am because of...

I had half an ear on the tv this evening while I was on the phone and heard the tagline for, I think, Orange - "I am who I am because of everyone" - and it got me thinking.

...I am the sum of my relationships, the people I meet, the experiences I share...

Simple really. But oh so very complicated - does that mean that we let those around us define us?? Or that we can carve an identity out for ourselves shaped by our experiences?? Or somewhere between the two??

Sadly, I think its more often the first. "I am who I am because of everyone" becomes a negative statement - I am who I am because of the labels people put on me. Or worse, the labels we *perceive* have been put on us. Why is the default setting so often to believe the very worst about ourselves?? Why do we let it happen??

It is true that experiences can shape you, sometimes very strongly...that when you look back, you can see the people who have helped and those who have hindered. The lessons learnt that you should carry with you, but also all the stuff that should be left in the past. The people we come in contact with shape us, of course, but there is a difference between learning from and reacting to people and situations, and letting them define us. Yes, we are the sum of our relationships, the people we meet and the experiences we share. But not defined by any one single thing - not by one failed relationship, or by being the mother of three, or by being one of the gang. We are defined by a combination of factors that come together to make our unique us-ness.

So no, I am not who I am because of who you have made me, but because of how I choose to to be. Because of what I choose to believe about myself. Because of how *I* choose.


Love, etc.
xx

Things I'll never say?

I was reminded today of the Avril Lavigne song Things I'll Never Say, and thought how sad it was. Like, real sad, not tradge sad.

What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

When did it become ok to not tell people that you loved them? When did society become so much more concerned about "being British" and not showing emotion than looking after each other? And why do we think that that's an ok way to live?

She's not that deep, but she's got it about right when she points out that

...I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say...

and it just makes me wonder...how hard is it to be honest? To tell someone that you appreciate them, that you value their friendship, that you miss them. It goes without saying that people's friends and those that they love really are much more important to them than keeping a stiff upper lip. It just doesn't always come out that way.

Love, etc.
xx

Coffee & Chat (part 2)

Discussed at great length...do words or actions mean more?? Words can be utter throwaway comments, whereas actions require some thought and active participation. I haven't felt as loved in a long time as I did on Monday when I discovered that someone had gone out of their way to come to church specifically to say goodbye to me - that action meant a lot more than a phone call would have done. Not that the phone call wouldn't have been appreciated, but the action went the extra mile.

That does not, however, belittle the effect that words can have, both positive and negative. Words are so simple and yet, can have such a great effect. It's worth taking just a second to think how long-lasting the effects of your words are going to be...how much damage you might cause, or how easily you could build someone up and make them smile.

"Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark"

Or, in other words, the little things mean a lot.

Love, etc.
x

P.S. Again, not technically coffee, since it was celebratory Champagne and chat, but the wisdom still stands.

Roots and Wings

So this Thursday, I have to move out of The House of Dreams, at which point two very sad things will happen

1. Egham will no longer be the place I call home
2. Smelly boys will move in and 161 Larksfield will become, in true Prince-eqsue fasion, (The House Formally Known As) The House of Dreams

Now, boys living in our beautiful house is traumatic enough, but when that is coupled with the fact I have to leave Egham, I'm very surprised I haven't (quite) turned in to an emotional wreck. If you'd asked me three years ago what my plans were for my life, I'd've told you that I was going to hate university, go home every weekend because I was so homesick and that at the end of it I'd go home, get a PGCE and teach at my old school. Now the bright lights of London town beckon me, and I am counting the days until I can come back home.

And before you ask, my parents (probably not reading but you never know...) would be incredibly proud to read that. They packed me off to uni not entirely sure I'd make it through Freshers Week, let alone three years, and yet, just three years later, I've come to consider this small, sleepy, (let's be honest) slightly dead-end town my home. They gave me very strong, very deep roots during my years in Petersfield that gave me the strength of character (and slightly unrealised resources within myself) to up and leave and come to uni.

After three years, I've got some very deep roots of my own in Egham, nurtured by parents both real and surrogate. And I know that in another twelve/eighteen months, I'll be spreading my wings and flying off again (hopefully literally). I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be here forever. But for now, its not the end; I will be back. I'm not done with Egham just yet.

Love, etc.
x

Coffee & Chat (part 1)

Today's gem...God will never test you with more than you can handle. But its entirely possible that you've utterly underestimated your own capability

Love etc,
x

**N.B** I know I don't actually drink coffee, but "strawberry frappe milkshake with whipped cream & chat" didn't have quite the same ring to it...

Profound Admirer

I discovered today, by having a real conversation, in the real world, that my bloglet has a Profound Admirer...now if only *I* could have one...
x

To Everything There Is A Season...

Today was the first time in thirteen years that I wasn't at Open Day. Twice before Ben started, twice with Ben before I started, seven (!) times of my own, and then two more since leaving to see what was going on and what I was missing. Clearly I am a glutton for punishment! Not being there today was quite sad in a way, but also an indicator of my progression from scared kid leaving school to (reluctant) responsible adult going out in to the world. Time is a strange thing...when I was faced with the prospect of leaving the school I had loved, I always said I'd chain myself to the gates and they'd never get rid of me. But when it came to it, the gates had been painted blue, and it wasn't quite the same; it wasn't quite my Churcher's College, and leaving wasn't quite so hard. My season there had come to its natural end, and there were new things for me to explore.

I do find it strange then that today of all days I found myself back at my original hall of residence with a friend. Being back at Kingswood was very strange...seeing my old window looking down on the courtyard and the tree we broke on our third night there (that is still broken)...the smell of the corridors that is still the same as it ever was...the familiarity of swinging down the steps in C Block...I found myself thinking that I could go back tomorrow and it wouldn't be weird; I could go back tomorrow and love it just as much as I ever did, and in many ways, I'd give anything to be starting again in September. But same as when I left school, things have changed; its not my Kingswood anymore - my time at uni is also at its natural end.

I was watching a friend listen to The Byrds song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" the other day, but it didn't strike me until today that there really has been a season for everything in my life, and not just that, but a time for every purpose, under heaven. And at each stage, no matter how painful the idea of leaving was, what came next was so much better than I could have planned or imagined...so I'm going with the likelihood that, given just a little bit more patience, that is going to happen again.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29v11

The greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall

I didn't actually intend to blog today; I was just perusing my blog and trying to work out who Blue Eyes was (clearly I've now worked it out!) when I realised the truth of something I claimed to have learnt...

Lets be honest here - the degree result did not go to plan. Those few of you who saw me on Thursday can testify to that...not good times in the land of the lulus. After some genuinely allowed upsetness and a little more Drama Queen-ness, seeing the giraffes at London Zoo and a lovely day in the sun today, I am officially over it. And myself. So it didn't go to plan...so what. There's very little I'd change about my time at uni, and if I did change even the smallest thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. I've learnt more about myself than I could ever have learnt about English literature, and at the end of the day, I'd say that was more important really. A degree is just one piece of paper; the last three years couldn't be summed up on a ream of the stuff.

So pick myself up, move on As someone very wise once said, the greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. And that's made all the easier if you have so many special people to catch you

Love etc.
x

But how *do* they do it?!

I observed *the* cutest conversation at Embankment today...

Small child: Mummy, is the Circle Line called the Circle Line because its a big circle??
Mother: Yes. Well done! That was really good remembering

*she goes back to looking through her handbag having finished the conversation*

*pause*

Small child: Mummy?
Mother: Yes?
Small child: You know how at home the train comes out over the ground and you can see it and Daddy told me that's how they get the trains in to the tunnels??
Mother: Yes... *clearly wondering where this is going*
Small child: So how do they get the trains into the Circle Line?

Does it say something about me that I often wonder the same thing??
x

Things I have learnt...

Its not just English I've been learning for the last three years....

- Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
- A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hugs
- Missing someone isn't about how long its been since you've seen them, or the amount of time since you've talked...its about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish they were right there with you
- Always wear sunscreen
- Sometimes its ok not to be ok
- A hug says everything words can't
- "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness"
- Cinderella is living proof that a pair of shoes can change your life
- Those who stand for nothing fall for anything
- The greatest glory lies not in falling, but in rising every time we fall
- A girl worth kissing is not easily kissed
- Eventually one of two things will happen...you'll realise he's not worth it, or he'll realise you are
- Don't tell God how big your storm is. Tell the storm how big your God is
- Every new beginning comes from the end of some other beginning's ending
- Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them
- Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

**N.B. There are very few original thoughts there...even the idea of the blog was borrowed from Life Lessons but when was the last time you learnt something that someone else hadn't already thought of??**

Prayer and Pooh Sticks

My dad has what I believe they call "eclectic" taste in music. Said eclecticism meant that I was subjected to Garth Brooks all the way to Cheltenham (which, from Petersfield, is an awful lot of Garth Brooks!!) However, one song did grab my attention which ran something along the lines of thanking God that the singer hadn't got what he'd prayed for at the time because he'd ultimately got something so much better

I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all
And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thankedd the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

In his case, it was a girlfriend and subsquent wife, but how many times do we think that we know so well what is best for us and demand it of God?? Hmm, ponder.

And just incase I hadn't quite got God's point for the day, at Hannah's christening, He had a little nudge as well. Whilst I was busy cooing over how sweet the priest was with the other little kids
asking them all sorts of questions about water and washing and cleaning etc, he started talking about different places water can be found, and somehow managed to get on to describing our lives as Christians like a game of pooh sticks. Now, don't for one second imagine that he used the term pooh sticks; he merely described us as being like sticks drifting down stream towards an ultimate goal but coming up against obstacles and blockages on the way. But you can see how I got pooh sticks out of it!

We all have an idea of what we want and how we're going to get it, but how much do we trust God that He really does know best and wait on His timing. And that means *really* wait and trust in Him, not trust in Him on our terms and in our timing...it means really believing that strength will rise as we wait on God, not just laughing at how catchy the bass riff is. He's not going to give up on us, no matter how much we set our own timings and then fail utterly.

So, with all that in mind, God, can I have a job now??
x

Blog of dreams

I am very excited about my new blog of dreams.

Or at least. I will be excited, jumping off the walls, laughing hysterically and feeling very loved when I discover that my blog has been (lovingly) hacked and redesigned for me.

Perhaps this will inspire me to blog more often...

Much love from the anonymous hacker,
xx

**EDIT** I am indeed very excited. And can't imagine who my anonymous hacker is ;) But much love just the same
x

Guidance

You'd think, with me being an English graduate, this would have occurred to me before, but as someone a little older and a LOT wiser than my humble(ish) self pointed out this evening, you can only guide something that is already moving.
x

You're here to be fed, not to get eaten...

Another classic from Ms Thomas there. But with a serious point...too many of us do too much to just sit and be. We're too busy giving to stop and take. I realised this recently when I realised how much I'd enjoyed just sitting and being in a service and found the truth behind Andy's words so long ago "if you haven't got it, you can't give it away"

Or, as my new favourite song says,

I will say of the Lord He is my refuge
I will say of the Lord He is my strength
I will say of the Lord He is my shelter, my hiding place
I will come to the source all creation
I will drink from the well that never dries
I will draw from the one who won’t grow tired
The Lord of all

We can't do it in our own strength, but God has promised that we can do it in His
x

Forgiveness

Its all well and good asking for forgiveness, but how often do we accept it once we have it?
x

Thought of the day...

Missing someone isn't about how long its been since you've seen them, or the amount of time since you've talked...its about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish they were right there with you
xx

The Woodpecker might have to go...

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:

One Don't miss the boat.

Two Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six Build your future on high ground.

Seven For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...

Hugs are like boomerangs...

A hug is just a hug, right?? Wrong. I was reminded last night how simple it is to give someone a hug, but just how much it can mean.

Some soppy goon wrote somewhere that hugs were invented to let people know you love them without having to use words. Have to say...that's totally true: a hug says everything words can't.

And how much damage can hugging do really?? Remember...a hug is like a boomerang; you get it back right away
xx

This is what happens after 3 hours of Philosophy...

So. Plato. Its not often I'm inspired to blog after a lecture. And even more rare for me to have a) done the work and b) agreed with the lecturer. So today is a day of firsts.

The concept is fairly simple...there is TRUTH. Then there is life, which is an imitation of TRUTH (and art, which is an imitation of an imitation...I like this sort of thinking!) But anyway. Truth. And imitations thereof.

Are our lives not just an imitation of TRUTH?? What we strive for, how we try to live, and what we want to achieve...all just "imitations" of the life we aim at...the ultimate TRUTH?

In this life, we will never measure up to or achieve this, but it can't hurt to keep trying. Right? After all, "His truth shall be your shield" (Psalm 91v4)

Or maybe I'm thinking too much
x

Birds and Chimney Sweeps

So no prizes for guessing what I did with my afternoon!! Its amazing what insight you get on life from Mary Poppins...I don't think Disney films are meant to prompt blog-age but there we are. That's what the combination of a lack of sleep and my warped brain does for you!!

Without wanting to get all philosophical and deep, coz a) its late and b) that's always just a tad dangerous. 2008 is going to be a strange year, and I know that if I'm not careful, some of the bits that should be special are going to get swept away with deadlines and dates and finding a real job. There are lots of lasts coming up in the next few months, and instead of missing them because I'm too busy looking forward, I'm determined to take time to enjoy them...they're all "last" things for a reason after all!! I might be missing something, but the "lasts" that I'm aware of aren't overly upsetting...they seem to fit in to the grand scheme of things being right for seasons and all that jazz.

So my philosophy for 2008...spend some time up with the stars looking down.

In the words of Bert...There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars and the chimney sweeps.
xx

So that was 2007...

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? Took communion for the first time...went to Spring Harvest...sang in church...went on the London Eye...

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2008? Er, no, and no. Well, actually, I might. I might make myself work really hard and get my First. I might read all the books for just one of my courses. I might have a 100% attendance for a lecture series. But then again...I might not.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yep!! Mrs Warren-Heys had little Emily, our CT baby, and Mr & Mrs Burns had their little one in July :)

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully not this year.

5. What countries did you visit? Um, Skegness?? Nothing exciting this year...I took root in Egham instead.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? Ah who knows. To be brave enough to stand on my own two feet would be nice...would give Richard & Gings a break at the very least!!

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? my birthday, which was as close to perfect as its ever been...Spring Harvest, which was just amazing (Cooked Breakfasts will never be the same again)...Ashburnum, which was a turning point for me in so many ways...the FLOODZONE, which caused me THE most stress I've ever felt, but was so amazing that it more than made up for it...the Royal Albert Hall with Matt & Hodge, which was totally awe-inspiring and helped me make up my mind about getting a real job

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Flying solo on the Sound Desk

9. What was your biggest failure? Getting flu and ruining my attempt at 100% attendance of my lectures (N.B. It was a pretty good year as they go, clearly!!)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No major dramas

11. What was the best thing you bought? Its blatantly going to involve some sort of clothing or shoes...

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? Anyone who's come in to contact with me for managing to put up with me and the dramas that seem to surround me?? lol. But seriously, assorted surrogate parents who deserve BIG medals for not giving up on me, RJ for being generally fantastic and keeping me (more or less) in line, Mr Hoe for being the best Godfather a girl could have, and Little B for just being my Little B. Oh, and Namy for not killing me at a number of different points throughout the year :)

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Er, lets not. Not helpful.

14. Where did most of your money go? Clothes. And shoes. And clothes and shoes. And Cafe Neros.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? LOL where to start?? Erm, in no particular order, my birthday, Sound Desk Training (yes Richard, also the first time my name appeared on the Sound Rota), Strictly Come Dancing (because I'm actually totally tradge), going on the London Eye...there's blatantly other things; I'm sure the usual people will feel the need to add to this list.

16. What songs will always remind you of 2007? "Go Peaceful" coz of Ashburnum, anything by MIKA, but mostly Grace Kelly coz of the Alpha Bus of Fun, the Fratellis from my extended road trip down the M4 with Ria.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier :)
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner :) I never sit still for long enough to put any fat on these days!!
c) Richer or poorer? Significantly poorer. But the babysitting money always comes in useful!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Uni Work, as ever. But even so, I still figure life is too short!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Panicking and stressing...I'm sure there are others that feel that too!!!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Trying not to kill my brother at my parent's house.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? No, not really. There's still time though...

22. How many one-night stands? I can safely say none at all.

23. What was your favourite TV program? Need you ask? Really?? Saturday nights in our house will never be the same again (a fact I fear Hannah will be rather glad of...)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? The worst thing you can feel is indifference...hate means you still care.

25. What was the best book you read? Harry Potter 7, no question.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mika. And The Fratellis.

27. What did you want and get? Again, it probably involved clothes and shoes. And Nigella Express and Casino Royale on DVD.

28. What did you want and not get? A MacBookPro.

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Atonement. No question.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Had a party chez ours, all dressed in red, and I was 20.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Various people dropping off the face of the earth?? No?? OK then, a first would have been nice!!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? Generally fantastic.

33. What kept you sane? Jacks Fish & Chips. I kid you not...when all is going wrong, they could be relied on, 100%.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Tough call between Matthew Cutler and Daniel Craig. Both eminently attainable I would say...

35. What political issue stirred you the most? the fact that The West Wing isn't real

36. Who did you miss? Keren. Like CRAZY.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Without doubt, my Spring Harvest girls (I know that's more than one, but I can't leave one of them out, that would be mean!!)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: that I actually can stand on my own two feet. I surprise even myself at times.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
Clinging to the cross
Mercy’s found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus You are all I need
Clinging to the cross"

You know you belong when you are missed...

So, the other night at First Priority Marcus came out with this epic line you know you belong when you are missed. It reminded me of what one of my mates had been saying only a little while previously, and I sent it on to said person and reduced them to tears.

I've spent the vast majority of this week having that phrase running round my head, and having exactly the same reaction Jude did...I think its fair to say...I totally and utterly belong in Egham and you guys have just proved it to me over and over again
x

Laughter...

Its amazing what you learn when you actually listen in a seminar...apparently by laughing, we're avoiding revolution. Or something. I wasn't listening that carefully, I just like the quote he gave us at the end:

"laughter could never become an instrument to oppress the people. It always remained a free weapon in their hand"

So, Live. Laugh. Love. Can't hurt, right?
x

Hmm...

We Ask Ourselves, Who Am I To Be Brilliant,
Gorgeous, Talented And Fabulous
Actually, Who Are You Not To Be
You Are A Child Of God
Your Playing Small Doesn’t Serve The World.
There Is Nothing Enlightened About Shrinking
So That Other People
Won’t Feel Insecure Around You.

We Were Born To Make Manifest
The Glory Of God That Is Within Us.
It’s Not Just In Some Of Us; It’s In Everyone.
And When We Let Our Own Light Shine,
We Unconsciously Give Other People
Permission To Do The Same.
As We Are Liberated From Our Own Fear,
Our Presence Automatically Liberates Others.

I'm not his biggest fan, but on this one, Nelson Mandela had it just about right
x

Ponderings....

What I realised today...

the truth of the phrase "a friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope"

and also that a hug says everything that words can't.

xx

Having another moment...

Sitting on a slow train to Waterloo means you get through an awful lot of songs on an mp3 player. And getting vaguely travel sick if you read anything means that all you really have to do for an hour is look out the window and listen to what you're listening to. If that makes sense. Normally my music is there to prevent silence, rather than for me to focus on, but just occasionally, like on the train this morning, I'll actually stop and listen to what I'm listening to.

A couple of situations this weekend have made me realise how God has His hand on my life, most of the time without me having a clue, but today I found the Casting Crowns song "In Me" so powerful...

Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

Says it all really
xx

Why do people let me near a blog when I'm in this kind of mood??

So. That was my second year. I got my pass/fails this afternoon, which means that my second year is officially over. It feels...weird. It doesn't feel like its the end of term tomorrow, but then it hasn't felt like term time since lectures finished in March, so that's hardly surprising. In a way, term just...ending...is a bit of an anti-climax. So much has happened this year that for term to just finish is really odd. Having said that, any of you who have been around me in the past week or so will have heard the comment "term ends on Friday...what have we done this year?" so many times that you quite possibly want to gag me. More than usual I mean.

But genuinely...what have I done this year?? Its gone so quickly...feels like just a few months ago that Johnny & Sacha got married, but it's their wedding anniversary on Sunday; it doesn't feel like a year since we did The Big Top, but now we're full in the throes of planning The Flood Zone (N.B. I feel it is pertinent to point out that this time last year, being the worship Co-ordinator for the Holiday Club was one of the last things on EARTH I would have seen myself doing but, you know, things change...) it doesn't feel like a year since I moved out of Kingswood, but it feels like we've lived in this house forever.

In a way, everything has changed, but in some ways, very little has. I still don't do enough work for my degree, I still procrastinate like a flippin' pro (actually, come to think of it, that *has* changed this year...I've got better at it...) I still have fantastic losses of perspective on life, my friends, my work & just about everything else. But I know for myself that I'm a lot more confident than I was this time last year, I'm a lot stronger than I was this time last year and I sleep a lot more than I did last year (both at night and during the day, just to clarify. Although, probably more daytime nap-age than more proper sleep if I'm honest...)

What else?? Friendships are different...some have come, some gone & some changed beyond recognition. I finally learnt the true meaning of the phrase "friends are for seasons". I always hated it because it meant that some of my friendships would lessen/end at the end of their time. What my special *special* Laura-logic brain didn't then follow it up with was that friendships will also BEGIN in a season when they are needed, when the time is right. I still don't like the idea that my friendships will change, because I rely on my friends so much & they are such a huge part of who I am, but I can also see how some friends are always going to be there, no matter what might happen between us, they ain't going nowhere.

I learnt a lot about people this year. I learnt that not everyone sees the world in the same face-value way that I do (some would say naive...I prefer trusting...) (neither one avoids the pain & heartache that comes with discovering you're wrong though...) I've had enough of Christian politics to last me a lifetime (so yes, of course, I've just been co-opted on to the PCC at church...) and I've realised how slow I am to actually LEARN things and remember them...and we're not talking uni stuff. Case in point...I'm having a hysterical moment to someone on MSN, and they go "so this verse has just come to mind that might help you" then quote 2 Corinthians 12v9 at me. I sit on MSN day in day out with that reference staring me in the face, but do I ever actually stop and believe it?? Maybe I should try it sometime. My next aim...to stop and think more. Much more. Thinking about others, thinking about myself. Just thinking.

I only realised a couple of weeks ago how much people appreciate the little txts, the Facebook messages, the random crap sent to them to make them smile - I only realised it when people did it for me when I needed it. Until you're get one, you don't realise how much your little action has meant. Its so un-hard to drop someone a txt to let them know you're thinking of them, but only when it happens to you when you need it most do you realise *just* how much that simple act can help someone. People are strange *strange* creatures...we'll never fully understand anyone apart from ourselves. If we ever truly understand ourselves. Which in some cases (especially mine) is a highly doubtful occurrence.

Speaking of doubtful occurrences...things I never thought would happen this year - happily handing over my Presidency, spending so much time in Egham & so little time at home, leading groups at Spring Harvest (Strength will rise as we WAIT upon the Lord), getting so many books out the library and *actually* reading them for my essays, surviving what was, at times, the year from hell. But fully enjoying what has also been the best so far.

How else to sum up this year??

Another year older

A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than a year ago today

Kinda says it all really. But HA! why write in 3 lines what I could write in *counts* *gives up* a lot more??

And like I said...WHY do people let me near my blog when I'm in this kind of mood??

Too much thinking...time to act??

Too much thinking can be really really bad for you. No jokes. Our house and our immediate friends went through this stage a few weeks back of fixating on books about relationships...not the healthiest thing I could have done with my time at that stage. Reading a book about how to have a good Christian relationship isn't the best thing to do when you're single...it just makes you realise *just* how much discerning (pickier) we have to be with our guys, and then, obviously, the lack of said guys to be discerning (picky) over.

However, there was also a lot of good stuff in some of the books that I had been putting off thinking about and sorting out in my head, and that time also encouraged me to do that as well as complain (vociferously) about the lack of decent Christian men who weren't already taken or far too firmly entrenched in my mind as pseudo-brothers to even consider in "that" way.

The book that got me thinking the most was Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. It is, admittedly, very American, and a little too cheesy for my liking in places, but there are also some amazingly deep parts that made me stop and think. It encourages us not to cast our pearls (ourselves and our hearts) before swine (people who are unworthy of them). Stasi describes how she interprets the verse "do not cast your pearls before swine" as Jesus saying, "look, be careful that you do not give something precious to some who, at best, cannot recognise its beauty, or, at worst, will trample on it."

I know I'm very, very much guilty of the latter...I didn't know I believed in the concept of *actually* having your heart broken, but after last year, I'm up there with the best of them saying how much it hurts. Its actually physically painful when you give your heart to someone and they don't see how much you are sacrificing to give it to them. I ignored friends, Lani, my parents, God...and they were all right. But I had to learn. I had to realise, albeit in the hardest way, *just* how precious one person's heart and love for another person is before I could appreciate how important it is that next time I am so much more careful.

I can't begin to describe the conversation I had with Lani about this the other day...and I'm still not entirely sure I believe more than half of what she said...I can't see that I have to potential to be a heart-breaker...I don't believe I need to be careful with people's hearts. Don't get me wrong, I know I should be, but I just don't believe anyone has ever given me their heart in the same throw-yourself-in-at-the-deep-end-even-though-you-can't-swim way that I seem to have done. It's not false modesty, or that annoying "I am not worthy" self-effacing thing that a lot of people seem to do (come on guys, you know me, I'm *more* than worthy) (*jokes*), I just can't see in myself what I see in other people that makes me want to give my heart to them.

I spent so long bouncing from wanting one relationship to another that when I started getting the affirmation and love that I craved so badly, I fell very very hard, and *very* fast and it all got really rather messy. I learnt a lot, but would give *anything* not to ever have to go through it again...what it says in Proverbs is true:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life"
Proverbs 4v23

My friends need not worry, I'm guarding this little heart as hard as I possibly can...I kid you not that it is locked inside a box which I will be surprised to find opening any time soon. Keren got a bit annoyed with me the other night because she said I'd never be happy if I refused to let people in, but I figure that I'm not so much not refusing to let people in as leaving the door ajar.

This sounds like a very scary "I'm off relationships, leave me alone" blog, and it really wasn't meant to be. I've just been thinking a lot about relationships and what I want and how I'm determined to make sure that next time, whenever that is, I'm not going to cast what I'm (very) slowly coming to see as my pearls where they're not appreciated.

Show me appreciation for them, and I'm yours (Oh come on, you didn't really think I'd end on a deep and serious point like that did you?! fools)

p.s. Yes, I do find it mildly ironic that I spent almost 40 mins writing a blog entitled "too much thinking...time to act??"

p.p.s. But if you read it carefully, you'll have realised that I'm waiting for someone else to act this time, so its not all that ironic after all.

Catching up, Confusion and 2 Corinthians 12v9

So, after having not blogged in, lets be honest, forever, I thought it was about time I forayed back into the blogosphere. However, six months of no blog means there's a lot to blog about, so sit back, make yourselves comfortable and enjoy.

Last term was crazybusy, hence, I argue in my defence, the lack of blog-age. If I had the time to sit still and do nothing, I slept. Learnt a lot though. Learnt enough about people and Christian politics to last me a lifetime, and I don't doubt that it will. Learnt that I can't do this all on my own, learnt to ask for help, learnt to rely on God more than I ever had before. Obviously, there were bad times, lots of them if I'm honest, but they've kind of faded against all the good stuff. I know how blessed I am to have St Johns, and every time I think I've got enough people/care/love/support for one time, someone else pops up to look after me. I started this presidency with a Prayer Support email with 4 people on it. I'm finishing it with one with about 12 names on it, all of whom have been so amazing with the amount of support and prayer and love they've shown me over the year. For a while, my biggest worry about handing over CT was that this support would stop, but then I realised I was being a bit daft (in fact, very stupid), so I stopped thinking that and I'm over it now :)

The idea of handing CT over is, if I'm honest, very very sad, but I know that I need to step back and let someone else take over. I'm being called in a different direction now than I was this time last year, and I need to follow that now rather than hold onto the Presidency for old times sake...doesn't mean its gonna be easy, but there are so many opportunities opening to me that tie in so well with the end of my term as President that I'm not gonna have *too* much time sitting around doing nothing (i.e. working on my degree!! lol)

Which, I guess, brings me on to the confusion. Life is very confusing at the moment...having to make decisions about potential life after uni so I can get the relevant experience this summer or whether I just want to teach or what. The only constant that I'm not budging on is the fact that I'm not leaving St Johns when I graduate, but that isn't helping me so much with working out what I want to do for a job to fund living in this area...

What also isn't helping is that I've spent the vast proportion of this week in a permanent state of "Aaaaaaaaaaaah, dunno what to do" about, well, other things, but I think, at this time, the pertinent thing to do would be to keep quiet and wait for things to come out in the wash. As it were. Patience is not a virtue I have been overly blessed with but as they say, if something is worth having...

My other main issue at the moment is time. I recently got told that if I was too busy to spend time with God, I was too busy. Well, yes. That's a given. But its not always that easy. I know if our faith was meant to be easy, we'd never learn and grow, but come on, would a break now and again be too much to ask for?? Hopefully things are going to calm down soon, but right now, life is going far too fast for me to enjoy much of it - where this term is rapidly disappearing to I have *no* idea, but I know I fully intend to make the most of the time I have left - I'm halfway through my degree, and I don't want to miss the rest of it!!!

So we've done catching up, we've done confusion. That just leaves us with 2 Corinthians 12v9

"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"

which was given to me by a very wise, very trusted friend. Nothing has helped me more since then than that verse. Any of you who have me on your MSNs will know how much I love that verse, and those of you who talk to me about God stuff (and a few of you who don't) will know how much I rely on it. When things have seemed their bleakest, seeing that verse has made me realise that, if that is true, nothing can be that bad. And it is true - I've learnt the most in the times I found hardest as President, and the best things (the people I've come to know and love etc) have often also come out of those hardest times. If there's one thing I want to pass on when I hand over this Presidency, it's that.

My parting thought is a brief summary of all the other things that I've been thinking about a lot (too much??) recently...

"A woman's heart must be so close to God that a man must seek Him to find her"

Says it all really.