January's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

So somehow it's suddenly the end of January and I've barely posted anything, let alone anything that contributes towards the Big Blog Photo Project. Fail. So tonight, I will rectify that slightly :)

This gem is from my parents back garden in a rare moment of winter sun. It didn't even need any editing since the sunlight was so obliging in where it fell!! It makes me yearn for a time where life was that peaceful. I can't wait for the summer, the sunshine and some time to read my books again.

Love, etc.

xx

Stream of Consciousness part 2

Time. Never ever enough time to do everything. Occasionally there's enough time to do nearly all of the things I need to do. Sometimes, I get to do the things I want to do too. The Big Blog Photo Project is going quite well. I like to have something to do other than teaching. I'd like to think that I can continue my life outside of teaching, but some days I wonder if such a thing even exists. It certainly teaches you who your friends are. Some new ones have arrived through their understanding of what I'm going through; others appear to have fallen off the face of the earth since I stopped being available 24/7. A few of them I'm sad about; most of them aren't overly missed. It's strange how life goes on while I've put everything on hold. Strange to be planning for the future when I'm living such a day to day existence. As if life isn't busy enough, the job opportunity of dreams has presented itself. Seeking wisdom has been easy; having patience has not been. And continues not to be. I'd like some things to maybe be easy for a while. I know I often make life more difficult for myself than needs be, but even so. I foresee that life may be quite busy between now and Easter. That sounds like ages away but somehow it's February next week. I'm fairly sure I don't need to remember to do anything apart from teach for February. Taking it easy. Apart from writing. That's going to kick off soon. And meetings. Hopefully in town. Every little helps with job applications though, even if they're as dull as they ever were. How many jobs can one person apply for in their lifetime? It must be my turn. Fingers crossed. That's one of the few things I can multi-task with sleep; it's a shame there aren't more.

Love, etc.

xx

So that was 2010...

So normally at this time of the year, I'd be writing a witty review of the past 12 months, explaining what date from 2010 would remain etched on my memory, or what the best thing that I bought was, but this year, I feel like a change.

Since "we" (for that, read "The Drummer") invested in a new camera, I've become increasingly obsessed with it (particularly the macro setting for taking arty-farty close-ups of things) as well as hugely enjoying the fact that my phone finally has a decent camera on it to document the less-important things of life (mostly via twitter, much to your collective amusements!) I've decided that in 2011, I want to develop this (limited) skill, and so, I've set myself the following two challenges:

1. At some point during the month, I will actually use our camera to take pictures, hopefully getting in to the habit of actually using our beautiful piece of kit, which I will then post on my blog.
   
   
2. On the last day of each month (or, you know, the closest to it that I'm sitting still for long enough to upload them) I'll post a collage of "Moments from the Month" captured on my iPhone.

So, in keeping with those challenges, here are a few of the highlights of 2010...

The Drummer, The Isle of Wight festival, Weddings, Holidays,

Family, Christmas

Snow, Food, Advent Calenders, Shoe Mountain, Games,
More food, Christmas Presents

So, 2011, lets see what you come up with...

Love, etc.

xx

Traditions

Christmas has officially started. A little earlier than previous years, admittedly, but started it has. Ah, I hear you cry, but it's been Advent since November 28th...how come Christmas has only just officially started?

Every Christmas since I was nine, I've been my school Carol Service which has had the same reading and the same format since time immemorial. It was always on the last night of term, and always ended with the Headmaster reading John 1v1-14 and Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. Those two things always meant the holidays were about to start, and even now, whenever I hear someone reading that passage, I can't help but look forward to Christmas. I heard it early this year, and it wasn't read by the right person (hasn't been since he retired in 2004) but now I've heard it? Christmas all the way :)

I like official Christmastime :)

Love, etc.

xx

Stream of Consciousness

Because there is no time to sit down and devote a blog post to all of these things, join me on a whistle-stop tour through my brain, life and times of late...

Nice having my husband home. Nice is an understatement. Delightfully stress-free on the home-front; I love living with my best friend. He buys me Lego Harry Potter and lends me the car so I don't have to get the train after rehearsals. Driving is a whole new level of fun now I can do it. People need to learn to indicate though. Really. Makes me mad. Which makes me tireder. I am tired. Mentally & physically exhausted. Too tired to be creative where I used to be. My creativity that used to be used here is taken by lesson plans and teaching the little cherubs. And designing lighting plots for the school play (long distance lighting plots in fact, since it turns out that I'm in Weymouth the same weekend as the Technical Rehearsal) Thinking and writing in all my waking moments. Writing here (rare) Writing on another blog project that I have been shamelessly neglecting this for. Writing lessons. Writing presentations. Writing assignments. For someone who likes to write, it's almost too much. Getting published at the end of it would make it all worthwhile. Using contacts is the only way to succeed in this game. RJ laying his hands on obselete R4 programs I need. Old school ties coming in to play (I hope) Sound Man going on tour with Take That. Fun. Having rediscovered the joy of Sunday night pubbage, I'm dragging my social life out the gutter that it has slumped into since September. Dancing in Holborn, iceskating, wedding planning (with friends) Getting righteously indignant on their behalf. Controlling myself for the sake of those around me. Lessons to be learnt all round.

I've seen the Coke advert; holidays are coming. Sanity will soon be restored.

Love, etc.

xx

Aspirations

There are people in life who make you want to be better, whether that be academically, on the sports field or just in every day. If they tried, I'm pretty sure everyone could think of at least one person who inspires them and makes them want to be the best they can be.

There are various people at various stages of my life who have held that role for me - at GCSE & A-level, there was the Epic Historian. The sheer level of his knowledge and expertise made me *want* to be better at History. He was bold, but ruthless. If you got an A from him, you knew you deserved it, but you also knew that whatever grade you did get, he'd be alongside you putting in the time and work needed to get you the grade you wanted. If I can teach like him one day, I'll be happy. The Huntress (my PGCE course convener) now occupies that position. Her knowledge of all-things English is second to none, and if I retire with even 50% of the knowledge and skills she has, I'll feel like I've done a good job as a teacher.

Then there's RJ. He & his wife have watched me grow and develop over the last five years (not without some fairly hefty input of their own it has to be said!) He challenges me sometimes as often as weekly on my attitude over various things and various people; he tries (more or less successfully) to keep me on the right paths. Same goes for The Godfather. If I let either of these people down, or felt they were disappointed in me in some way, I would feel beyond terrible. I aspire to have a heart like these two. If I manage that, I'll feel like I've done a half-decent job as a human being.

I aspire to these levels of academia, of achievement, of character. I see where I am now, and where I want to be one day, and I see ways of getting there. I can see the temptations and problems along the way, and I can see what is always going to help me most...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not

for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

Love, etc.

xx

You are what you Tweet

This one has been bubbling for a while in my head, particularly this last week with the furor over the Pope's visit to England. I'm not a Catholic; I disagree with a lot of what Catholics believe, and I think £12m was possibly slightly excessive for a 4-day visit when an emphasis of the priesthood is to live simply BUT I do think that as the figurehead of a major world religion and the head of a State, however small it may be, the Pope deserved to be able to come to Britain unchallenged and safe from abuse. By all means, take him to task about various views he might hold, or things he's allowed to go ultimately unchallenged in his church, but give him the basic respect that his position merits.

*steps off soapbox**

ANYWAY. Twitter. I've actually unfollowed people this week based on their views and what they have tweeted. They probably won't even notice; they probably don't even care, but to me, I don't want to be reading that, and I don't want people to read that when they come to my page. I have no problem with people expressing their views when backed up with educated fact/opinion, but when they are just tweeting abusive jokes or making disrespectful comments, I don't want to know. Stephen Fry will probably never even notice that he has one less follower, let alone even care, but I am what I tweet. I don't want my integrity questioned as a result of people I follow.

Love, etc.

xx

Feeding The Cats

For the past 10 days, The Drummer & I have been feeding Profound Admirer's cats whilst she is away on holiday. When she asked me to help out, it didn't even occur to me to say no - its really not that taxing to put out their food and give them a cuddle each day. She & her husband are so lovely and supportive that it is nice to be able to help them out, albeit in such a small way.

The added bonus from my point of view is that they live a few minutes away from us, meaning that The Drummer and I have had a series of evening walks there and back where we have no iPhones, no tv, no internet, no distractions of any kind, other than passing minis and yellow cars. Coming at the end of increasingly busy days, I think I'm going to miss our walks when they get back at the end of the week.

"Every now and then, when the world sits just right, a gentle breath of heaven

fills my soul with delight..."

A Breath of Heaven by Hazelmarie ‘Mattie’ Elliott

Love, etc.

xx

Chosen

Yesterday was a weird day. I thought I'd be spending the whole day being told what an amazing profession teaching was. I thought I'd be told it was a vocation and be persuaded that I was a fantastic person for wanting to spend my life teaching the youth of society. I thought it would be a day of paperwork and form-filling and dullness.

Don't get me wrong, all of the above was true, but there was also the overwhelming sense of utter confidence that the tutors had in us all. Person after person told us how they had seen something in us that would ultimately make a good teacher. The course convener told us how lucky we all were to be there since there had been so many applications; the Head of Department congratulated us on getting this far; the Vice-Chancellor spent (far) too long telling us how we were the hope of future generations (or something) But through it all, they kept telling us all how they'd chosen us. How they wanted us. How they believed in us.

Our English lecturer (lets call her The Huntress) really rammed it home during our subject induction in the afternoon. 242 people applied before she closed the course. She interviewed 71. 39 of us got places. She saw something in us that set us apart from everyone else who applied. She saw something in us that she can make good teachers out of. She believes in me more after a twenty minute interview than I believe in myself after 23 years.

Unexpected, but not altogether unwelcome.

Love, etc

xx

The Little Things

When I was waiting at the station last week for The Drummer to buy our tickets, the guy next to him, who was clearly in a very flustered rush, pulled out his wallet and dropped his pen. I leaned down to pick it up for him, and, with his reaction of “Oh....thankyou very much!” he seemed more than slightly surprised that I had done so. Later in that same train journey, a guy on a very crowded tube offered me his seat, which in turn left me surprised since that practically NEVER happens on the London Tube, even for pregnant women or older people.

Its sad when doing something so simple for someone else is seen as surprising, but the more I think about it, the more it seems that “self-first, others second” is the way to live. I don’t expect everyone to live to the same higher moral code to which I chose to hold myself accountable; not everyone shares the same religious views, and I wouldn’t expect that they should, but whether Christian, Muslim, Jew, Agnostic or Atheist, surely somewhere in each person there is the basic desire to do good. To do the right thing. To not look in the opposite direction when someone is in need. To just be human and to care.

Let’s change the world. One little thing at a time.

Love, etc.

xx

I am what I am

I am what I am

I am my own special creation.

So come take a look,

Give me the hook or the ovation.

It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,

My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn,

'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."

from "Les Cage aux Folles"

I've realised recently how competitive life can be. Literally everywhere there are people competing to out-do each other - to lose the most weight, to earn the most money, to have the best clothes, to get the best degree results, to be the best singer, to be the best most best, and the worst thing about it - it seems to now be ok to be overtly open with your methods of proof. To make sure that everyone knows that you are the best at or have the most X, Y or Z and to be seen to be at the very tippiest top of whatever heap you've crushed under you on the way up.

I can only speak for myself when I say - being content with what you have is the only way to be peaceful with who you are. Obviously there are practicalities...a little more money each month would be lovely (particularly given the STONKING car bill the garage presented us with this afternoon) but then, how much more is enough? If you have more, you want more. And so on, and so on. Winning these competitions will never make you content enough. Competing is not healthy. Competing doesn't make you happy. Competing doesn't make you complete.

I'm not going to lie: I used to be up there competing with the best of them. Look at me, look at my grades, look at this, look at that. But then I realised there's much more to life than material things. People's adoration is temporary at best. "Stuff" is not the be all and end all of life. What matters is the things that last. What matters is that I have integrity and can stand before my friends and my God with no guilt. To be happy with who I am and what I do.

And I can do that. Come join me...

Love, etc.

xx

Spoilt

So with The Drummer in Milan this week, I have, in part, reverted to my single student ways - staying up until 2am doing nothing at all online, going on epic shopping days, and drinking copious amounts of wine at girly sleepovers to name but a few.

It was at one of these such sleepovers that I realised quite how spoilt I really am. When he gets home tomorrow, The Drummer will have been away for just over 5 days. Five evenings of no cuddles; five nights of not seeing him; five nights of snatched phonecalls because it costs too much to pass the time of day like we normally would. Just five. My Littlest One had me over on Monday, fed me lasagne and gave me wine, all because she knew I'd be sad at not seeing The Drummer. The one person amongst my friends who has the best excuse to turn round and tell me to man up looked after me and loved me and didn't laugh at me in my spoiltness. She sees her boyfriend maybe three times A TERM. In the 6 years they've been together, they've spent maybe a total of 18 months actually in each others company since leaving school. And I was sobbing over 5 days. I really need to man up.

I'm spoilt rotten seeing him every day. I know that. Doesn't mean I'm not counting the hours until his plane lands tomorrow though.

Love, etc.

xx

How to tell you're really not ready...

I love children. Love them. I babysat enough at university that I didn't need to get a job. Day or night, I'm pretty much guaranteed to say yes if asked to babysit. This week, a friend's nanny was away on holiday so I covered the afternoon school run and filled the gap until dinner when the parents returned.

One of the days was music lesson day, and, being more than used to swimming lesson day for this particular family, I thought I had it covered. Got them all from various schools; got them to the lesson on time; even got them toileted and sitting down quietly.

What I didn't bank on (since I normally fed them before swimming) was a very tired, cranky child post-music lesson. What I definitely didn't bank on was the Mummy Mafia judging me when I had to raise my voice to get the bookbag and coat picked up - all the eyes of the mothers from the class that had just finished and all the mothers waiting for the next class. Waiting and watching to see who would back down first. Whispering. Judging. They weren't even my children and I felt inadequate.

All broodiness aside, I'm not ready for feeling that everytime I go out. I'm not ready to be a mum. I'll stick to giving them back at the end of the day for the moment.

Love, etc.

xx

Oh, and for all of you wondering...he lost. I sat back down and told him that we'd wait until he picked them up, even it that took an hour. It took 10 seconds for him to look at my face and realise I was serious, and another 5 for him to pick them up.

Anticipation

People say a lot of the joy of something is in the anticipation. The waiting, the hoping, the dreaming. I'm anticipating many MANY things this year, not least my honeymoon. The very fact that I can go on holiday with The Drummer - something we made a decision not to do at all until after we were married, makes me so unbelievably happy. That he's taking me to my favourite city that I get to introduce him to. That he's taking me to my favourite hotel in said city. That I get to spend every minute, awake and asleep with him.

During the course of our relationship, we've often discussed and re-discussed our choice. There have been opportunities and temptations to change our minds, to take the nice, easy choice and go, but every time one of us reminds the other of our reasons for making the decision in the first place. The choices we've made back up our beliefs, and give no-one cause to doubt or question us. Denying ourselves the treat of going away together leaves our integrity as a Christian couple intact and without blemish. And it makes the anticipation of July even more special.

It's going to be the best holiday ever. If they ever get my flipping passport sorted out...

Love, etc.

xx

Giving it some thought

In today's instant society, it can be all too easy to buy first and think later. To think that you need something and buy it without a second thought. Definitely no consideration of what message you're sending out by owning such and such, and certainly no thought for who is benefiting from your purchase.

I'm probably just as guilty of this as the next person (ironically this thought struck me when I was reading Marie "perfect body at high cost" Claire, of all things) but seeing the latest GHD advert, it really struck me again. I've always been more than a little uncomfortable with the GHD advertising premise of the Seven Deadly Sins, and personally, have never chosen to subscribe to that marketing campaign by buying any. Their latest is to assign colors to each of the seven deadly signs - red lust, green envy and the like with suitably seductively posed models. The colors are the marketing gimmick to pull people in, without necessarily realising what they are supporting with their purchase.

What do your choices say about you?

Love, etc.

xx

Spontaneity

Life at the moment doesn't tend to leave time for spontaneity. (Or for blogging for that matter!) An endless whirl of seeing friends and family. Planning X, Y and Z for the wedding. Moving house three times. Babysitting. Finishing an old job and doing preparatory work for a new one. Going to the gym. Eating. Sleeping.

Tonight we decided we wanted to go on a road trip to find some dinner. At quarter to eleven at night. The Burger King will have done no good for my diet, and the late night will have done me no good for my energy levels come the morning, but that half an hour spent driving through Windsor Great Park listening to Dream Theatre at full blast? The best thirty minutes I've had in a very very long time.

Spontaneity. Underrated.

Love, etc.

xx

Another angle

Because The Drummer is fabulous, he got me front row seats for Les Miserables for my birthday, which meant I spent my birthday night just feet away from the orchestra, the stage, the lights and the sound equipment (and the cast of FABULOUS musicians who make up my favourite musical of all time ever, obviously)

Geekery aside, I do love this show very much, the music is so amazingly varied and always sung faultlessly by whomever happens to be playing the role each time I see it - even though its never the same, each actor brings their own slant to the role. And I can never NEVER have enough of beautiful tenor voices singing in close harmony. Shivers down the spine doesn't begin to describe the magic of being surrounded by so much beautiful music.

However, seeing as how I can never put my geekery totally to one side, even when lost in the magic of Les Mis, I found myself noticing little things - how Marius climbed the gate too quickly and had to wait a couple of seconds until it had rotated fully in to the light before he delivered his line; how the the drummer in the orchestra wasn't quite as close to the floor as he thought and dropped his sticks when he was trying to put them down during a quick change; how utterly seamless and invisible the scene changes all were - you saw the stagehands ONCE when they had to move a table with candles on it. Other than that, you saw absolutely nothing. The lighting was so clever; the staging so well thought out. And every night it is that flawless. The backstage and technical staff are so precisely trained so that their work is of a level with that of the actors - everything comes together night after night to deliver an amazing production. The standing ovation it receives each night is testament to that.

The perfection and attention to detail made me realise that, in many ways, my old boss had simply been trying to produce the absolutely best show all round that he could each time we opened the theatre. Essentially, his heart was in the right place to get The Studio the best name and reputation and profile it could have. To give the actors the closest to a professional experience that they could get outside a real theatre. To raise the profile of drama and technical theatre within the curriculum and the school as a whole. He certainly didn't go about it in the right way, but I can see how that, in his way, he was simply trying to do his job to the best standard he could possibly deliver. He wasn't right, but now I can see that he wasn't as wrong as my mind made him be.

The night I got the job, I wrote that I knew there was a plan for my time there. Tuesday night went some way to healing the damage that forgetting about that certainty of a plan for the subsequent three months while I was working there. I'm still hurt and angry about my time there. There are still some things that need healing, and that will take time, but sat in a theatre for the first time since leaving my job, I realised I'll never be prouder of a piece of work than when the curtain closed after my first show. People sat and watched *my* work, appreciated *my* artistry, acknowledged *my* skills. And I don't do that to myself enough.

Love, etc.

xx

Hot Coals and Grace

Being graceful when all you want to do is smack someone is really hard. When all you want to do is shout at them, being graceful is SO hard. Smiling. Laughing. Being normal. Acting as if they haven't gotten to you. Trying to understand where they're coming from and why they act the way they do. Loving them like Jesus would.

Knowing its what you should be doing doesn't make it any easier though. Knowing its what you should do as a Christian. Knowing how lucky you are and realising what they don't have. Counting your blessings and sharing what you have with them. Loving them like Jesus would.

Forgiving them. Starting each day fresh. Not holding grudges. Praying for them. Realising how liberating that is. And wondering why you've never done it before.

Love, etc.

xx

Making Bread

An off-the-cuff comment this morning during the sermon this morning about the widow using a Kenwood mixer instead of making the bread by hand struck me in a way nothing has from the pulpit for quite some time.

In leafy Surrey, breadmakers are quite the thing to have. Home-made fresh bread gracing your table is a statement about your lifestyle, and now breadmakers give even the fullest of full-time workers that little extra homely touch with ease. No more hours kneading the bread mix and waiting for the yeast to rise; just bread in your hands an hour later. You can even get the bread mix pre-mixed - no need to even measure out the ingredients.

And it got me to thinking -a relationship with God is more than a little like making bread. Today's Christian society seems to have fallen into a "breadmaker" sitting, listening, taking rut - we go to church as the bread mix, and have everything mixed up for us at a minimum of personal effort and then expect the end product to be as satisfying as others tell them it is. It works, but how beneficial is it? A child will never learn a basic fact of human life by watching mummy fill up the breadmaker - they'll learn by getting their hands dirty and experiencing step by step the process of making bread. I for one never want to be in a position of saying to someone searching for Christ that "it just is" or "that's just what happens" because I don't have any experience to share with them.

When did society start telling us that the simplest, easiest way was the best? And when did we, as Christians, start accepting that that was true?

I think its time we got our mixing bowls out.

Love, etc.

xx

Open Your Eyes

I didn't even realise until Saturday that I have a side of the train. At least, I'd rather that as an excuse than I've been living here for four years and getting the train to town most weeks without even SEEING half the scenery that flies past the window. I missed artwork, I missed parks, I missed the most beautiful stately home, which gobsmacked me.

What else have I been doing for four years and just not seeing things how they really are? What else have I been missing for even longer?

What have YOU been missing?

Love, etc.

xx