Never Say Never...

So when I was little, my mum told me that I should never say never to God, because He would see it as a challenge to make me grow. I seriously spent my childhood deliberately never saying anything like "I'll never be a missionary" and "I'll never live in Africa" just incase.

When the conversation came about one time about what I wanted in a boyfriend, without thinking, I came out with "I'd never date a guy with a beard" and the slightly more convoluted "I could never marry a guy with a double-barrelled surname" (since my IRL first name is also double barrelled) (like Sarah-Jane but not) I wasn't entirely negative though, as I also made sure everyone knew that he had to be able to wear a blue wool coat and look good in it.

Near enough a year to the day after that conversation, God gave me the best way I could ever think of for never saying never again...

Love, etc.

xxx

Random Acts of Kindness

"we make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give"

Winston Churchill

After deciding on my blog title, I googled "Random Acts of Kindness" Twenty minutes later I was still sitting watching the quotes scroll round on their home page. Possibly THE simplest idea ever created by a human being, I love the premise - perform one act of random kindness a day.

I've seen so many examples - the traditional things like paying for the person behind you at the drive through, or for someone else's dinner in the restaurant; little things, like post-it notes on mirrors or notes in someone's pigeon hole; bigger things, like the guy who not only helped us get our suitcases on the train in Rome but who went and got a luggage trolley and actively came and found us when we got to the airport, or like the person I saw the other day scraping their next door neighbours windscreen free of ice before driving off.

Random Acts of Kindness always makes me think of one lady at my church who's ministry really could be random acts of kindness. She is ALWAYS smiling, and always so glad to see her friends and check up on them and make them smile in turn. Even her Facebook life makes people smile - her profile picture is a dancing Little Miss Sunshine, and her presence on everyone's pages - commenting on things, sharing good times and celebrating achievements - cheers people immeasurably when they see it. Little things really do mean a lot.

"The wind is real, but you can't see the wind - you can only see the leave rustling in the trees.

Pain is real, but you can't see pain, you only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see

happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face"

7th Heaven

For me, seeing that smile is enough.

Love, etc.

xx

The Lighthouse

This weekend just gone was another epic "first" of my life. After many trips to Weymouth, I'd never yet managed to see the lighthouse lit up after dark - we were always on the wrong side of the bay, or just plain in the wrong place. I've read Anne's House of Dreams; I've been to Montauk Point; I've been up Portland Bill each time I've visited The Drummer's parents, but in my twenty-three years, I've never seen a lighthouse lit up after dark.

After a little persuasion this weekend, The Drummer ventured out with me to the top of Portland Bill and we were greeted with the most amazing sight - in the pitch black, eight beams of light, rotating round and round, each one lighting up the hazards and shining far out to sea, warning the ships of the danger. The bill was so stormy that we couldn't even get out the car, but the sheer majesty of the lighthouse; the elegance of the beams of light; the safety is was bringing to the people out at sea - it was one of the most moving, humbling experiences I've ever had.

No matter how small or insignificant you're feeling, there's always something bigger than you out there to show you the way.

Love, etc.

xx

Castles In The Air

"Wouldn't it be fun if all the castles in the air which we make could come true, and

we could live in them?"

Jo, Little Women

When I was a little girl, if I was very poorly or very sad, I was allowed to curl up on the sofa under the blue and white stripey duvet and watch videos. If I was ill for longer than a day, I would watch Little Women (the first day of any illness being taken up with Narnia) (and we're talking BBC 1980s here, none of this new film malarky) and so it has always been well up there in my favourite stories of all time ever. Depending on the time of day/wind direction/color of their dresses, I would variously want to be each of the girls, but what never changed was my love of the idea of castles in the air. Everyone has castles in the air - we all have our dreams and wants and desires, and we all want them to come true.

When I was little, I used to agree with Jo, but now I'm not so sure. I've gone through times where I've thought I've known what I wanted and been impatient for my castle to become reality. Patience is not an overly well-developed virtue of mine, but sometimes, the castles are waiting or changing for good reasons.

I'm glad that a lot of my castles haven't come true. I'm even gladder that the special ones have.

Love, etc.

xx

Ever Mine, Ever Thine, Ever Ours

We all know that Disney films give girls unrealistic expectations about hair. And men. Whilst our hair has become an acceptedly un-winnable daily battle that will never go away, our expectations about men remain unachievably high (since they are, after all, only human)

Growing up on a diet of Disney princesses finding their prince sets the bar very high for the poor darlings that have to compete with Prince Charming on his white horse and in some way maintain that standard every day of a relationship's life. And its not just a case of competing with our childhood Disney Princes. Oh no. Right when a girl is at her most anxy and hormonal, along comes The Notebook. Love Actually. The Holiday. And all the rest of the chick flicks with perfect guys loving in perfect ways.

Now, be under no disillusion - the path to true love doesn't run smooth. We are SO aware of that. Big leaves Carrie at the alter, but we still all want a real life Big to woo us again with love letters and propose on his knees in the end. We all want a Miles to make us fetucchini and sing to us in Blockbuster. We all want to end up in the relationship where our Noah will tell us our story day after day when we're too old to remember.

And I've found it. I'm settled. I'm the luckiest girl alive to have The Drummer loving me and wanting me to be his. I don't need huge soppy displays of his love; I don't need adoring emails and txts; I don't need constant reminders of his love, because I *know* that he loves me. When it comes to it, he celebrates the good stuff, holds me until the bad stuff stops hurting, cries with me when I cry. I don't need anything more. If I'd put together all the best bits of all the films, I still couldn't have come up with a guy better that him, no matter how many times I watch Pride and Prejudice. He's my Darcy. My Big. My Prince Charming.

The love letters though...Big, that was a winner.

Love, etc.

xx

Skip to the end...

When I was little, I used to have an absolutely appalling habit of flicking straight to the back page of a book to see how it ends. I'm getting better at not doing that, although my gosh does it take a lot of self-control not to do that anymore!!

I was reading something the other day and went to flick to the end when the afternoon of my first date with The Drummer popped in to my mind - he'd just acquired Season 7 of Star Trek Voyager and I didn't want to work my way through the previous 6 seasons just to answer my childhood question of how they got home, so begged him to let us watch the last 2 eps. His look of horror as he asked whether I was "the sort of person who did that with books too" made me laugh (and also maybe fear a little for our long-term future**)

He had a point though - going straight to the end might give you the same result as working your way through, but with nowhere near as much knowledge and answers and reasons why. "Just because" is all very well when it comes to Star Trek questions, but I never want to only have "just because" as an answer to a question about my life because I was too busy skipping to the end to enjoy what I have

"Your life is like a book...don't jump to the end to see if its worth it. Just enjoy

life and make those pages filled with beautiful memories"

I have some spaces left. Come fill them with me.

Love, etc.

xx

** this fear disappeared as we were settling down in front of the finale and he asked me whether I'd read the last page of the book of "Us" and whether it was a good one *swoon*

p.s. Ten points for the first person to tell me where the title is a quote from...

Green Screening

Obsessed is a strong word, but apt, I feel, in relation to my love of Angels and Demons. Mostly because its set in Rome admittedly, but still. Watching it again this evening, I realised I'd never watched the Special Features. And now I kind of wish I hadn't. Theoretically, I knew that it wasn't really all shot on location - you're not allowed to talk in the Sistine Chapel, let alone take a whole film crew in there - but a little part of me had always stayed lost in the magic of the film. Until I saw the amount of green screen used. Obviously its a lot, but to me, a little of the magic, a little of the mystery went seeing how small the sets were - the St Peters set is mostly plywood. The Sistine Chapel ceiling...screen. The faithful crowds in St Peters Square...CGI.

Don't get me wrong - its still one of my all time favourite films, but I'll watch it in a different way now - the geek in me will be looking for CGI; for objects that are clearly filmed against a green screen; for continuity errors. That got me thinking - how often in life do we do that? How much of your life is a green screen? Reality projected against something blank. Truth, but not quite. Fooling people, but really deep down, knowing that they know that its not real.

A little of the magic has gone.

Love, etc.
xx

Culture Clash

Now, call me old-fashioned (and believe me, that has been known) but I'm about to get on my soapbox about the state of popular culture. Really. Me. Yes.

I have to admit that I'm normally one of the first to ignore the warnings of pastors and elders about the influences of the secular world on Christians, and its not really something I've ever had that much of a problem with. I drink alcohol, but not to excess, and feel no pressure from any part to do so. I listen to the radio and watch tv, and freely skip channels if I don't like what's on (whether for moral reasons or simply because its painful to listen to) I sometimes wear short skirts and heels like the rest of the population, and feel no shame in wearing them. Essentially, I make my own decisions for what I allow myself to be exposed to. Some people would say I'm too liberal; others would (and have) laugh at how strict I am about some things, but for me, I know I'm making the right choices.

Imagine then my shock (at myself!) when I found I was disgusted by Taylor "Love Story" Swift's new song, You Belong To Me. I'm a girl - we're all entranced by the idea that Romeo is going to kneel to the ground and pull out a ring and propose. That's a dream for princesses everywhere, and I have to admit, I've never felt a need to turn the radio off when the kids have been around, even the oler ones who are starting to pick up on songs they like and who wrote them. THAT is where has scared me - that the girls I look after could listen to Love Story and think how great it is and then want to hear more, and coming across songs that sing about how she thinks that the boy she likes shouldn't be with his girlfriend and lists the reasons (!) That is not a healthy thing to let girls think is acceptible and for the first time, I can see why parents are often so guarded about what they let their children see/hear/have until they are old enough to know what is good and what isn't. And strangely, it lasts.

"You'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable,
authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the
ugly; things to praise, not things to curse"
Phillippians 4v8 (The Message)

Love, etc.
xx

Words

23.57, 31st December 2008. A text message that changed my world. And then a day of absolute silence that almost destroyed his while I panicked about starting a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Said silence and panic led to an FB status of "[Beautiful Intellectual] has a lot to think about" which prompted another txt along the lines of "whatever you're thinking about, you know where I am if you need me" And I fell in love.

A few days later, I was telling the most important person in my life (outside immediate family) about it, starting the conversation with the phrase "[The Drummer] is going to ask me out, and I'm going to say yes" which normally would have had her bouncing around the room squealing if it had been any other of her friends, let alone me. I was met with her opinion that it was a mistake and he wasn't who God had lined up for me; a brick wall rather than the shared excitement I was expecting.

Its taken this long, almost ten months, to get over that. To get over that hurt. To get over the loss of my best friend. To get over the rejection of my boyfriend. Recently, I've spent a lot of time realising I'm preparing to do all the big stuff of my life without her beside me, and I'm honestly not sure how that leaves me feeling.

"It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it

changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you

so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between
you is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it"

Just be careful what you do with your words.

Love, etc.
xx

Smells like home

On the train this morning I had the strongest deja vu I've had in a very long time. I was sitting listening to my music watching the world go by when I realised I was suddenly feeling really safe and comfortable and couldn't work out why. It took me a while to realise that I recognised the aftershave of the guy who had just sat down behind me, and slightly longer again to realise it wasn't the same one The Drummer wears. It took about another 5 minutes pondering, scooting through my mind all the different guys I knew and hugged regularly (that sounds worse than it is...) and couldn't for the life of me work out where I knew it from. It wasn't until Black And Gold came on my MP3 much later on that I realised it was the same aftershave the Landlord of Dreams (who, with his wife, housed me for free for a term before Christmas last year where I had nowhere to live and no money for rent) Their home became mine, and that smell became home because of the welcome and love and acceptance I had there.

Smells are strangely evocative things - fresh grass equalling the summer, even if its still only March. The precious talc-y baby smell left on your clothes after cuddling the kids. The smell of The Drummer's parents house meaning total relaxation and peace. Smells always mean something; they always come with memories.

Home has many smells these days - The Drummer's aftershave, my parents house when I get home after being away, St Johns when you're the first one in on a Saturday. Each and every one has its memory; each one is home to me.

Love, etc.
xx

Relationships

"Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time,
the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing;
one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both
partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship
can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic.
The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static
balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance"
Gregory Godek

I found this quote earlier this evening and realised it summed up everything I've been trying to show myself recently - everything will balance over time. Yes, right now, it feels like my relationship with The Drummer is unfair on him - I'm needy right now & he's a rock, I'm broke right now and he has a steady job etc, but its true that our relationship is going to emerge from this, probably even stronger than before. I love the fact that although they're nearly always in the same place with the same people around and a lot of the same stuff to do, every weekend we spend together is different; every weekend highlights a new experience for us as a couple; every weekend brings us closer together.

Balance is necessary - a relationship doesn't succeed without equality. I'm not his Spare Rib for nothing.

Love, etc.
xx

Pointless or, Pity Party for One?

Do you ever look at your life and wonder why on earth you are where you are? Do you ever just sit back and think "what on earth am I actually here for?" I am aware at this point that it sounds like I could do with a good dose of The Purpose Driven Life, but I did that last time I was terminally unemployed, and given that that was only such a short time ago, I'm not convinced its been long enough to make a difference again. Today is most definitely *not* a Pollyanna day.

The only thing stopping this pity party for one is the knowledge in the back of my mind that, however pointless I feel that there must be a purpose for me somewhere. Right now, I can't see it. I have no idea why my patience is being tested in so many different ways. I have no idea what I'm meant to be learning. I have no idea why things are being given with one hand and taken away with the next leaving me splitting my life between 2 counties, not fitting in in either, with no money to speak of to my name.

I have no answers. And to be honest, I'm surprised I found this many words.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. I may have been overstating when I said the pity party was being held at bay. Clearly it is not.
xx

Grace, or That's Called Growing Up Kiddo

I am not by nature the world's most gracious person. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm an incredibly gracious person unless I feel threatened, then I get all loud and proud and kinda forget the "by their works you shall know them" bit, and the whole "whatever is true...noble (&) right" thing and just get a bit, well, nasty.

I've made reference to The Drummer's Ex before I think, but BOY has that become a situation recently where I need to be gracious. The Drummer calls it "gracious in victory" but over the last couple of days, I think just "gracious" would do. I have in my life something a lot of girls would kill (or at least seriously maim) for - a dependable, solid guy who utterly adores me and goes out of his way to protect and look after me. And he's mine. And he's not going anywhere. So why do I let myself turn into such a diva when she calls him (or floats onto our radar in any small way) Why do I act like a brat and make a difficult situation worse? Why can I not just look at my life and realise I have more than enough to share a little grace with others?

Its all well and good being gracious when life is easy, but that's not entirely the point of grace. Having a tantrum is easy. Being gracious is not. Realising what I have, both on earth and in my God, made me realise in turn that I should have no option.

Being gracious isn't a choice, it should be the norm. But MAN is that hard.

Love, etc.
xx

Readjustment

Its funny how things turn out. I thought my summer was going to be like this, but it ended up being about totally different things to what I had expected...

It wasn't just my brother's wedding. It was the day I got a sister...

Lots of technical geekery with The Godfather that wasn't just technical geekery but some special times of healing and wisdom (but ok, there was lots of playing with new toys too!)

Whilst I was totally expecting to love my holiday in Weymouth, it never occurred to me how much I'd love becoming part of a new family...

A return trip to the city that stole my heart became the first of many "City Breaks For The Girls," a fact which I'm VERY excited about!

There was a whole lot of hanging out with the gang...


and from a source I never thought I'd here it from again, I was reminded that

Readjustments. Sometimes they're not all bad.

Love, etc.
xx

Left Behind

I didn't realise until I got to Rome that this is the first time I've been away and left someone behind. Someone who missed me just as much as I missed them. Someone who checked their phone as much as I checked mine for messages. Someone who's face lit up when they saw me come back through Arrivals.

As Winnie The Pooh once said,

Pooh: this is the best part of the day
Christopher Robin: what part is that?
Pooh: When "you" and "me" become "we"

I think there's a lot to be learnt about love from the wisdom of a little bear

Love, etc.
xx

Mugs

Not having grown up enough to drink tea or coffee, I drink an AWFUL lot of hot chocolate. Particularly in the winter when its all snuggly and warm. Its all about the mug...too small, and there's not enough room for the cream. Too big and there's too much to drink. There's nothing better than "exchanging fact" (because I'd never gossip) (*ahem!*) over a big chunky mug cupped in your hands licking the cream off the top (or using a spoon if in polite company...) (rare...)

My room is constantly littered with mugs, including one which is rarely far from my desk that reminds me daily of a certain truth we could all do with bearing in mind sometimes

"He is perfecting me" Phillipians 1v6

Love, etc.
xx

Unexpected

On Sunday, The Drummer and I went to the Walking With Dinosaurs Arena Tour. Which was ALL kinds of awesome. It was so good, it distracted me from eyeing up the rigging and tech equipment, which, given how much of a Tech Geek I really am (and the fact it was my first time at the O2 in ALL its glory) makes it a really quite impressive show!!

TFL, in their infinite wisdom, had once again closed the Jubilee Line, so getting there was an utter mission (including my first trip on the DLR...no drivers...WIERD!) and a boat shuttle across the river from East India docks which now bear little to no resemblance to the docks that funded my school. But still. Nice little trip round Londontown thanks to TFL *ahem*

As we finally arrived, we clocked the (hour long) queue to get the boat back across to the East India docks and balked at the sheer number of people who would then be waiting at East India (and Bank) (and TCR) to get back to Waterloo. The Beautiful Intellectual doesn't do the Tube overly well at the best of (busy) times, so a plan B was clearly necessary. £5 has never been better spent on me than the Thames Clipper ticket from Grenwich to Waterloo Pier. Ohmigosh was it just THE funnest 40 minutes I've ever spent in London.

It was the most perfect (and totally unexpected) ending to an amazing afternoon. I could get to quite like the unexpected...

Love, etc.

xx

Understanding

At heart, I am a musician. Nothing thrills me more than hearing a piece of music, particularly orchestral music, and losing myself in how it all fits together and picking out all the different parts and melodies.

I was listening to a piece the other day that I'd once played in an orchestra and started to focus on a tune I'd never heard before - I was amazed that I'd managed to not only rehearse it regularly but also perform the piece a number of times and yet there was still more that I hadn't heard. I was reminded of one time where I'd had to leave the rehearsal for some reason, and walking back into the hall, as I crossed the room to get back on the stage, I remember trying to work out which piece they'd moved on to rehearsing because I didn't recognise it. Turned out it was the same piece they'd been playing when I left, but from outside of my little seat in the middle of the Strings section, it sounded so completely different that I didn't know what it was.

Recently, I've come to realise that this is sometimes (often?) true of our lives - sitting there knowing we've done all the rehearsing and preparing and ready to do it, but actually not really seeing the full picture at all, and not knowing what to do when we're confronted with it. Its taken some long struggles, some that are still lingering yet, but I'm finally starting to accept that there is always a reason and there's always something learnt.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps,

you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks

in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised.

But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and

does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is

building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new

wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building

a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

The bigger picture is there - just don't miss it in preparing your own little bit, however perfect you think you're making it.

Love, etc.

xx

Unaware

Last Thursday, I spent the day with Bluebelle at the V & A Museum in Londontown. It was hard having such a lovely girly day in the sunshine while the boys were at work, but we managed. While we were there, Bluebelle took LOTS of beautiful photos, mostly arty ones of the prettiness that is the V &A (and our LUNCH!!) but I managed to sneak in to a few of them (not that I like posing for cameras. at all. no no, not me!)

However, perhaps one of my favourite pictures of the day was this one:

Partly in a "I'm so small and there is so much out there that is bigger than me" (in a metaphorical, getting-a-perspective-on-life sense) but mostly because I was so unaware of it. which really made me think. Unaware of Bluebelle's thoughts, unaware of her artistry and skill in setting the picture. I was completely unaware of anything apart from what I was thinking about, and when I saw the picture back on her camera, it made me wonder what else we're completely unaware of and what we're missing.

Its actually quite scary to realise the things you nearly missed - my decision about uni and what I really felt about The Drummer to name but two of the more important ones that spring to mind. Particularly my uni decision, given that pretty much nothing that makes me me these days would be there if I hadn't gotten over myself & looked at the website.

However, the picture is also incredibly apt for the latter of the two, given that that is the view of me that The Drummer was probably most used to before we started going out - as the drummer of our band, he was watching my back (sometimes, it turns out, literally) while my thoughts were miles away elsewhere.

He waited for my thoughts (and for me) to turn round to him. Sometimes in life we're not that lucky...maybe I should start being more careful.

Love, etc.
xx

Patience

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

I've decided The Drummer is the embodiment of this verse - through The Great Void and The Big Mistake, there was a 6ft (ish) auburn curly-haired bearded plan for me that I didn't even see coming but now am so very glad has happened (understatement of the century)

After a week of doubting pretty much everything, I guess I really needed to hear this today - that there IS a plan and that the right thing will happen at the right time. Its really hard when something you thought was an answer to prayer seems to have become something so vastly different. I make no pretence of understanding why, but given everything else He's given me, I don't think I'm really in a place to complain.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Although when I say doubting everything, I mean everything apart from said Drummer. Of him, there is no doubt at all at all
xx