Green Screening

Obsessed is a strong word, but apt, I feel, in relation to my love of Angels and Demons. Mostly because its set in Rome admittedly, but still. Watching it again this evening, I realised I'd never watched the Special Features. And now I kind of wish I hadn't. Theoretically, I knew that it wasn't really all shot on location - you're not allowed to talk in the Sistine Chapel, let alone take a whole film crew in there - but a little part of me had always stayed lost in the magic of the film. Until I saw the amount of green screen used. Obviously its a lot, but to me, a little of the magic, a little of the mystery went seeing how small the sets were - the St Peters set is mostly plywood. The Sistine Chapel ceiling...screen. The faithful crowds in St Peters Square...CGI.

Don't get me wrong - its still one of my all time favourite films, but I'll watch it in a different way now - the geek in me will be looking for CGI; for objects that are clearly filmed against a green screen; for continuity errors. That got me thinking - how often in life do we do that? How much of your life is a green screen? Reality projected against something blank. Truth, but not quite. Fooling people, but really deep down, knowing that they know that its not real.

A little of the magic has gone.

Love, etc.
xx

Culture Clash

Now, call me old-fashioned (and believe me, that has been known) but I'm about to get on my soapbox about the state of popular culture. Really. Me. Yes.

I have to admit that I'm normally one of the first to ignore the warnings of pastors and elders about the influences of the secular world on Christians, and its not really something I've ever had that much of a problem with. I drink alcohol, but not to excess, and feel no pressure from any part to do so. I listen to the radio and watch tv, and freely skip channels if I don't like what's on (whether for moral reasons or simply because its painful to listen to) I sometimes wear short skirts and heels like the rest of the population, and feel no shame in wearing them. Essentially, I make my own decisions for what I allow myself to be exposed to. Some people would say I'm too liberal; others would (and have) laugh at how strict I am about some things, but for me, I know I'm making the right choices.

Imagine then my shock (at myself!) when I found I was disgusted by Taylor "Love Story" Swift's new song, You Belong To Me. I'm a girl - we're all entranced by the idea that Romeo is going to kneel to the ground and pull out a ring and propose. That's a dream for princesses everywhere, and I have to admit, I've never felt a need to turn the radio off when the kids have been around, even the oler ones who are starting to pick up on songs they like and who wrote them. THAT is where has scared me - that the girls I look after could listen to Love Story and think how great it is and then want to hear more, and coming across songs that sing about how she thinks that the boy she likes shouldn't be with his girlfriend and lists the reasons (!) That is not a healthy thing to let girls think is acceptible and for the first time, I can see why parents are often so guarded about what they let their children see/hear/have until they are old enough to know what is good and what isn't. And strangely, it lasts.

"You'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable,
authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the
ugly; things to praise, not things to curse"
Phillippians 4v8 (The Message)

Love, etc.
xx

Words

23.57, 31st December 2008. A text message that changed my world. And then a day of absolute silence that almost destroyed his while I panicked about starting a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Said silence and panic led to an FB status of "[Beautiful Intellectual] has a lot to think about" which prompted another txt along the lines of "whatever you're thinking about, you know where I am if you need me" And I fell in love.

A few days later, I was telling the most important person in my life (outside immediate family) about it, starting the conversation with the phrase "[The Drummer] is going to ask me out, and I'm going to say yes" which normally would have had her bouncing around the room squealing if it had been any other of her friends, let alone me. I was met with her opinion that it was a mistake and he wasn't who God had lined up for me; a brick wall rather than the shared excitement I was expecting.

Its taken this long, almost ten months, to get over that. To get over that hurt. To get over the loss of my best friend. To get over the rejection of my boyfriend. Recently, I've spent a lot of time realising I'm preparing to do all the big stuff of my life without her beside me, and I'm honestly not sure how that leaves me feeling.

"It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it

changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you

so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between
you is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it"

Just be careful what you do with your words.

Love, etc.
xx

Smells like home

On the train this morning I had the strongest deja vu I've had in a very long time. I was sitting listening to my music watching the world go by when I realised I was suddenly feeling really safe and comfortable and couldn't work out why. It took me a while to realise that I recognised the aftershave of the guy who had just sat down behind me, and slightly longer again to realise it wasn't the same one The Drummer wears. It took about another 5 minutes pondering, scooting through my mind all the different guys I knew and hugged regularly (that sounds worse than it is...) and couldn't for the life of me work out where I knew it from. It wasn't until Black And Gold came on my MP3 much later on that I realised it was the same aftershave the Landlord of Dreams (who, with his wife, housed me for free for a term before Christmas last year where I had nowhere to live and no money for rent) Their home became mine, and that smell became home because of the welcome and love and acceptance I had there.

Smells are strangely evocative things - fresh grass equalling the summer, even if its still only March. The precious talc-y baby smell left on your clothes after cuddling the kids. The smell of The Drummer's parents house meaning total relaxation and peace. Smells always mean something; they always come with memories.

Home has many smells these days - The Drummer's aftershave, my parents house when I get home after being away, St Johns when you're the first one in on a Saturday. Each and every one has its memory; each one is home to me.

Love, etc.
xx

Relationships

"Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time,
the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing;
one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both
partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship
can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic.
The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static
balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance"
Gregory Godek

I found this quote earlier this evening and realised it summed up everything I've been trying to show myself recently - everything will balance over time. Yes, right now, it feels like my relationship with The Drummer is unfair on him - I'm needy right now & he's a rock, I'm broke right now and he has a steady job etc, but its true that our relationship is going to emerge from this, probably even stronger than before. I love the fact that although they're nearly always in the same place with the same people around and a lot of the same stuff to do, every weekend we spend together is different; every weekend highlights a new experience for us as a couple; every weekend brings us closer together.

Balance is necessary - a relationship doesn't succeed without equality. I'm not his Spare Rib for nothing.

Love, etc.
xx

Pointless or, Pity Party for One?

Do you ever look at your life and wonder why on earth you are where you are? Do you ever just sit back and think "what on earth am I actually here for?" I am aware at this point that it sounds like I could do with a good dose of The Purpose Driven Life, but I did that last time I was terminally unemployed, and given that that was only such a short time ago, I'm not convinced its been long enough to make a difference again. Today is most definitely *not* a Pollyanna day.

The only thing stopping this pity party for one is the knowledge in the back of my mind that, however pointless I feel that there must be a purpose for me somewhere. Right now, I can't see it. I have no idea why my patience is being tested in so many different ways. I have no idea what I'm meant to be learning. I have no idea why things are being given with one hand and taken away with the next leaving me splitting my life between 2 counties, not fitting in in either, with no money to speak of to my name.

I have no answers. And to be honest, I'm surprised I found this many words.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. I may have been overstating when I said the pity party was being held at bay. Clearly it is not.
xx

Grace, or That's Called Growing Up Kiddo

I am not by nature the world's most gracious person. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm an incredibly gracious person unless I feel threatened, then I get all loud and proud and kinda forget the "by their works you shall know them" bit, and the whole "whatever is true...noble (&) right" thing and just get a bit, well, nasty.

I've made reference to The Drummer's Ex before I think, but BOY has that become a situation recently where I need to be gracious. The Drummer calls it "gracious in victory" but over the last couple of days, I think just "gracious" would do. I have in my life something a lot of girls would kill (or at least seriously maim) for - a dependable, solid guy who utterly adores me and goes out of his way to protect and look after me. And he's mine. And he's not going anywhere. So why do I let myself turn into such a diva when she calls him (or floats onto our radar in any small way) Why do I act like a brat and make a difficult situation worse? Why can I not just look at my life and realise I have more than enough to share a little grace with others?

Its all well and good being gracious when life is easy, but that's not entirely the point of grace. Having a tantrum is easy. Being gracious is not. Realising what I have, both on earth and in my God, made me realise in turn that I should have no option.

Being gracious isn't a choice, it should be the norm. But MAN is that hard.

Love, etc.
xx

Readjustment

Its funny how things turn out. I thought my summer was going to be like this, but it ended up being about totally different things to what I had expected...

It wasn't just my brother's wedding. It was the day I got a sister...

Lots of technical geekery with The Godfather that wasn't just technical geekery but some special times of healing and wisdom (but ok, there was lots of playing with new toys too!)

Whilst I was totally expecting to love my holiday in Weymouth, it never occurred to me how much I'd love becoming part of a new family...

A return trip to the city that stole my heart became the first of many "City Breaks For The Girls," a fact which I'm VERY excited about!

There was a whole lot of hanging out with the gang...


and from a source I never thought I'd here it from again, I was reminded that

Readjustments. Sometimes they're not all bad.

Love, etc.
xx

Left Behind

I didn't realise until I got to Rome that this is the first time I've been away and left someone behind. Someone who missed me just as much as I missed them. Someone who checked their phone as much as I checked mine for messages. Someone who's face lit up when they saw me come back through Arrivals.

As Winnie The Pooh once said,

Pooh: this is the best part of the day
Christopher Robin: what part is that?
Pooh: When "you" and "me" become "we"

I think there's a lot to be learnt about love from the wisdom of a little bear

Love, etc.
xx

Mugs

Not having grown up enough to drink tea or coffee, I drink an AWFUL lot of hot chocolate. Particularly in the winter when its all snuggly and warm. Its all about the mug...too small, and there's not enough room for the cream. Too big and there's too much to drink. There's nothing better than "exchanging fact" (because I'd never gossip) (*ahem!*) over a big chunky mug cupped in your hands licking the cream off the top (or using a spoon if in polite company...) (rare...)

My room is constantly littered with mugs, including one which is rarely far from my desk that reminds me daily of a certain truth we could all do with bearing in mind sometimes

"He is perfecting me" Phillipians 1v6

Love, etc.
xx

Unexpected

On Sunday, The Drummer and I went to the Walking With Dinosaurs Arena Tour. Which was ALL kinds of awesome. It was so good, it distracted me from eyeing up the rigging and tech equipment, which, given how much of a Tech Geek I really am (and the fact it was my first time at the O2 in ALL its glory) makes it a really quite impressive show!!

TFL, in their infinite wisdom, had once again closed the Jubilee Line, so getting there was an utter mission (including my first trip on the DLR...no drivers...WIERD!) and a boat shuttle across the river from East India docks which now bear little to no resemblance to the docks that funded my school. But still. Nice little trip round Londontown thanks to TFL *ahem*

As we finally arrived, we clocked the (hour long) queue to get the boat back across to the East India docks and balked at the sheer number of people who would then be waiting at East India (and Bank) (and TCR) to get back to Waterloo. The Beautiful Intellectual doesn't do the Tube overly well at the best of (busy) times, so a plan B was clearly necessary. £5 has never been better spent on me than the Thames Clipper ticket from Grenwich to Waterloo Pier. Ohmigosh was it just THE funnest 40 minutes I've ever spent in London.

It was the most perfect (and totally unexpected) ending to an amazing afternoon. I could get to quite like the unexpected...

Love, etc.

xx

Understanding

At heart, I am a musician. Nothing thrills me more than hearing a piece of music, particularly orchestral music, and losing myself in how it all fits together and picking out all the different parts and melodies.

I was listening to a piece the other day that I'd once played in an orchestra and started to focus on a tune I'd never heard before - I was amazed that I'd managed to not only rehearse it regularly but also perform the piece a number of times and yet there was still more that I hadn't heard. I was reminded of one time where I'd had to leave the rehearsal for some reason, and walking back into the hall, as I crossed the room to get back on the stage, I remember trying to work out which piece they'd moved on to rehearsing because I didn't recognise it. Turned out it was the same piece they'd been playing when I left, but from outside of my little seat in the middle of the Strings section, it sounded so completely different that I didn't know what it was.

Recently, I've come to realise that this is sometimes (often?) true of our lives - sitting there knowing we've done all the rehearsing and preparing and ready to do it, but actually not really seeing the full picture at all, and not knowing what to do when we're confronted with it. Its taken some long struggles, some that are still lingering yet, but I'm finally starting to accept that there is always a reason and there's always something learnt.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps,

you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks

in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised.

But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and

does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is

building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new

wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building

a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

The bigger picture is there - just don't miss it in preparing your own little bit, however perfect you think you're making it.

Love, etc.

xx

Unaware

Last Thursday, I spent the day with Bluebelle at the V & A Museum in Londontown. It was hard having such a lovely girly day in the sunshine while the boys were at work, but we managed. While we were there, Bluebelle took LOTS of beautiful photos, mostly arty ones of the prettiness that is the V &A (and our LUNCH!!) but I managed to sneak in to a few of them (not that I like posing for cameras. at all. no no, not me!)

However, perhaps one of my favourite pictures of the day was this one:

Partly in a "I'm so small and there is so much out there that is bigger than me" (in a metaphorical, getting-a-perspective-on-life sense) but mostly because I was so unaware of it. which really made me think. Unaware of Bluebelle's thoughts, unaware of her artistry and skill in setting the picture. I was completely unaware of anything apart from what I was thinking about, and when I saw the picture back on her camera, it made me wonder what else we're completely unaware of and what we're missing.

Its actually quite scary to realise the things you nearly missed - my decision about uni and what I really felt about The Drummer to name but two of the more important ones that spring to mind. Particularly my uni decision, given that pretty much nothing that makes me me these days would be there if I hadn't gotten over myself & looked at the website.

However, the picture is also incredibly apt for the latter of the two, given that that is the view of me that The Drummer was probably most used to before we started going out - as the drummer of our band, he was watching my back (sometimes, it turns out, literally) while my thoughts were miles away elsewhere.

He waited for my thoughts (and for me) to turn round to him. Sometimes in life we're not that lucky...maybe I should start being more careful.

Love, etc.
xx

Patience

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

I've decided The Drummer is the embodiment of this verse - through The Great Void and The Big Mistake, there was a 6ft (ish) auburn curly-haired bearded plan for me that I didn't even see coming but now am so very glad has happened (understatement of the century)

After a week of doubting pretty much everything, I guess I really needed to hear this today - that there IS a plan and that the right thing will happen at the right time. Its really hard when something you thought was an answer to prayer seems to have become something so vastly different. I make no pretence of understanding why, but given everything else He's given me, I don't think I'm really in a place to complain.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Although when I say doubting everything, I mean everything apart from said Drummer. Of him, there is no doubt at all at all
xx

Its A Small, Small World

Tonight I had the strangest experience - I sat through a pupil's concert which was finished by the 16 year old girl who had sat through so many of my own pupil concerts when she was a little girl when I was at (a completely different) school with her sister. I guess I shouldn't be surprised really - my family appears to have a penchant for finding connections in strange places: my parents used to camp with the parents of my brother's first girlfriend...the grandparents of the kids I babysat for at uni knew my parents when they were at uni...I went to junior school with my prayer partner's little sister...my mum and dad knew my old School Nurse when they were all young marrieds in Bristol...my great-grandfathers used to be travelling preachers together a good forty years before my parents even met...even The Drummer and I have a history - he was an Inter at my first ever Campaigners Parade as an Eagle (holler if you even have a blue clue what I'm talking about here!) (If you don't, he was like 11 and I was 4 and very cute with little blonde curls and we probably didn't even see each other)

Everytime I hear stories like this, it makes me think of the quote

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained
angels unawares.
Hebrews 13v2

You never know when someone you come in contact with in your present will become a part of your future in a way you could never imagine...keep an eye out, just incase.

Love, etc.
xx

Lessons in Time, or, Perspective & Priorities

"Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours
per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa,
Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein"
H. Jackson Brown

And so another metaphorical kick up the backside trundled along today, right on cue (as per usual)

It would have been so easy today to be all "woe is me, work was so hard" but instead, said butt kick reminded me that actually, time today was well spent. Huge amounts of things were done (not least a combined total of 33 rows of those BLESSED seats across 3 assemblies and 2 shows) and not just work stuff, but also the little things, like taking the time to find some Jelly Tots for Little Miss Dance. And in fact, being her runner all day because she had so much to sort out. And taking time to go to "the gym" after school to hang out with (who are swiftly becoming) The Usual Suspects (who take their workouts so seriously they can always be found in the beer garden around 4pm on a Friday) And then finding time to have pizza with Little Miss Dance and Maestro before shoehorning in some one-on-one time with the quieter of my two prefects helping her learn just one more little thing at a time.

Just one of these things should have made it a good day - how lucky am I that I got to do them all? It really is all about perspective. These people were my priority today - helping them, teaching them, valuing them, and somehow, that seemed to bless me too. And hey, I'm *more* than happy with that happening!!

Its not always about the great achievements. Sometimes its just about the little things.

Love, etc.
xx

Speechless

I have nothing to say. Nothing clever, nothing cute, just nothing.

Sorry,
xx

View from the other side...

An old friend emailed me out of the blue today admitting that she's been reading my blog and really appreciated the "normal, practical non standard everyday patter" of my blog posts, particularly in relation to her struggle to find and believe in God. I was thinking about it on my way to work, and realised how lucky we are to be Christians - to be sure of God's existance and know that He is there for us.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"
Hebrews 1v1

Even in bad patches (which we all have, no matter how all together we seem to have it) I know that God is still there somewhere, even if I'm not sure exactly where sometimes. And for that reason alone, we're pretty darn lucky.

Love, etc.
xx

Topical much?!

There's a preacher at our church who I love to *bits* He is truly awesome, apart from one tiny, niggly little thing. When he preaches, which isn't hugely often these days, he always, without fail, picks the one topic that I don't want to think about/am avoiding dealing with and hammers away at it for a good half an hour. Or longer.

I should have known last time as I settled comfortably into my seat last time he preached, thinking "oh the kids will enjoy this - its great to hear him again and have him give them such a good preach" that it was coming - you'd think I'd've learnt by now that God pretty much always uses my sermon-related complacency to whack me around the head with a sledge-hammer.

That night's topic was shalom and chatt'at (basically God's peace and then the very opposite - chaos/disorder) in the context of in our lives, there is a lot of chatt'at, and as Christians, we have shalom, and should bring it to our own chatt'at and to that of those around us. We can pray all we like for God to solve a situation, but sometimes we need to realise He has already sent us shalom - WE are shalom. And we need to apply that to the chatt'at of our lives.

In the space of 40 minutes, he managed to make me feel sad, laugh hysterically, feel guilty and then leave with a sense of hope. And that's why he's the best.

Love, etc.
xx

Seeing Both Sides, or Why Idealising Life Can Be Dangerous...

I've always *always* envied Sound Man his job, despite his constant protestations that its "just a job" - I never understood how the glamour and excitement and atmosphere surrounding gigs could ever become "just a job" but since starting work, I've realised what he meant - its just a job. When you're buck-stoppingly responsible for the lights working at the right time, or the sound being bang on time after time, there's not a whole lot of time left to enjoy soaking up the atmosphere. I can understand how it quickly stops being the most glamourous thing in the world and enters the realms of normality.

On the flip side, however, I was showing a new director and his producer round the theatre last night and the director was so envious of my job and my "office," wanting to know how I got it and where he could get one like it. I saw so much of myself in that comment!

Don't get me wrong - I still *love* it and wouldn't want to do anything else with my time, but I've started to realise things in life aren't as perfect as our brains sometimes make them out to be.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Apart from The Drummer. He is, of course, perfect in every way :p