Learning the hard way

"You can't always get what you want"

A classic line by the Rolling Stones that just makes me think of House arguing with Cuddy. I don't remember what they're squabbling about, but in answer to him saying he wants something only to be told that you don't always get what you want, he sasses back to her

"but if you try, sometimes you might find you get what you need."

This is so very true. True but so often forgotten. How often do we decide that we want something then get unhappy when it doesn't happen?? How many times do we decide that something is meant to be and then get hurt when it doesn't work out?? And how many time does that need to happen before we'll remember??

Blue Eyes summed this up for me last night, albeit unknowingly, by reminding me that just because someone doesn't love you way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best they can. Or in other words, it might take a while, but eventually you realise that most of the time, things do really work out for the best.

Love, etc.
x

One day at a time...

Everyone has their Oz - somewhere where they land, often unexpectedly, where they find their feet and finally feel at home. For some people, its a scenario - a situation where they flourish, becoming truly themselves at the opportunity; for others, its a place where they're able to come alive and establish themselves an identity, emerging from the shadows of others to become an individual.

When I arrived in Egham, nothing was further from my mind than the fact that this was going to be the place where I could be me. Not John & Gill's daughter like I was at home, not Ben's little sister like I was for my entire school life, but me. But three years later, I've forged an identity for myself; I've become my own person. I didn't expect this, I couldn't have predicted it to this extent, and I didn't look for it to happen, but it has, and I'm me. In my Oz.

It does make me wonder though...if I *had* looked for it, expected it, would it still have happened?? If I'd tried to make it happen, would I be genuinely me, genuinely what I was meant to become, or just something that I thought I should be? If I had spent too much time thinking and not just grabbing the opportunities, would I be the same? I think not. I'm not saying be thoughtless; after all, some of things that have shaped me the most have been learnt as a consequence of my slightly heedless nature, but on the flip side, thinking too much can just hold you back and mean that you miss what could potentially be one of best experiences of your life.

I have no idea what my future holds. There are too many unanswered questions at the moment for me to be sure what's going to happen. But that's not going to ruin the now

One day at a time--this is enough.

Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.

Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Still waiting for my Wizard though...he's still hiding behind his emerald curtain
x

Thought for the day...

No matter how big and how snuggly, a cuddle from the duvet is not the same as the real thing.

Love, etc.
xx

I am who I am because of...

I had half an ear on the tv this evening while I was on the phone and heard the tagline for, I think, Orange - "I am who I am because of everyone" - and it got me thinking.

...I am the sum of my relationships, the people I meet, the experiences I share...

Simple really. But oh so very complicated - does that mean that we let those around us define us?? Or that we can carve an identity out for ourselves shaped by our experiences?? Or somewhere between the two??

Sadly, I think its more often the first. "I am who I am because of everyone" becomes a negative statement - I am who I am because of the labels people put on me. Or worse, the labels we *perceive* have been put on us. Why is the default setting so often to believe the very worst about ourselves?? Why do we let it happen??

It is true that experiences can shape you, sometimes very strongly...that when you look back, you can see the people who have helped and those who have hindered. The lessons learnt that you should carry with you, but also all the stuff that should be left in the past. The people we come in contact with shape us, of course, but there is a difference between learning from and reacting to people and situations, and letting them define us. Yes, we are the sum of our relationships, the people we meet and the experiences we share. But not defined by any one single thing - not by one failed relationship, or by being the mother of three, or by being one of the gang. We are defined by a combination of factors that come together to make our unique us-ness.

So no, I am not who I am because of who you have made me, but because of how I choose to to be. Because of what I choose to believe about myself. Because of how *I* choose.


Love, etc.
xx

Things I'll never say?

I was reminded today of the Avril Lavigne song Things I'll Never Say, and thought how sad it was. Like, real sad, not tradge sad.

What use is it to you
What’s on my mind
If ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care

When did it become ok to not tell people that you loved them? When did society become so much more concerned about "being British" and not showing emotion than looking after each other? And why do we think that that's an ok way to live?

She's not that deep, but she's got it about right when she points out that

...I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say...

and it just makes me wonder...how hard is it to be honest? To tell someone that you appreciate them, that you value their friendship, that you miss them. It goes without saying that people's friends and those that they love really are much more important to them than keeping a stiff upper lip. It just doesn't always come out that way.

Love, etc.
xx

Coffee & Chat (part 2)

Discussed at great length...do words or actions mean more?? Words can be utter throwaway comments, whereas actions require some thought and active participation. I haven't felt as loved in a long time as I did on Monday when I discovered that someone had gone out of their way to come to church specifically to say goodbye to me - that action meant a lot more than a phone call would have done. Not that the phone call wouldn't have been appreciated, but the action went the extra mile.

That does not, however, belittle the effect that words can have, both positive and negative. Words are so simple and yet, can have such a great effect. It's worth taking just a second to think how long-lasting the effects of your words are going to be...how much damage you might cause, or how easily you could build someone up and make them smile.

"Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark"

Or, in other words, the little things mean a lot.

Love, etc.
x

P.S. Again, not technically coffee, since it was celebratory Champagne and chat, but the wisdom still stands.

Roots and Wings

So this Thursday, I have to move out of The House of Dreams, at which point two very sad things will happen

1. Egham will no longer be the place I call home
2. Smelly boys will move in and 161 Larksfield will become, in true Prince-eqsue fasion, (The House Formally Known As) The House of Dreams

Now, boys living in our beautiful house is traumatic enough, but when that is coupled with the fact I have to leave Egham, I'm very surprised I haven't (quite) turned in to an emotional wreck. If you'd asked me three years ago what my plans were for my life, I'd've told you that I was going to hate university, go home every weekend because I was so homesick and that at the end of it I'd go home, get a PGCE and teach at my old school. Now the bright lights of London town beckon me, and I am counting the days until I can come back home.

And before you ask, my parents (probably not reading but you never know...) would be incredibly proud to read that. They packed me off to uni not entirely sure I'd make it through Freshers Week, let alone three years, and yet, just three years later, I've come to consider this small, sleepy, (let's be honest) slightly dead-end town my home. They gave me very strong, very deep roots during my years in Petersfield that gave me the strength of character (and slightly unrealised resources within myself) to up and leave and come to uni.

After three years, I've got some very deep roots of my own in Egham, nurtured by parents both real and surrogate. And I know that in another twelve/eighteen months, I'll be spreading my wings and flying off again (hopefully literally). I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be here forever. But for now, its not the end; I will be back. I'm not done with Egham just yet.

Love, etc.
x

Coffee & Chat (part 1)

Today's gem...God will never test you with more than you can handle. But its entirely possible that you've utterly underestimated your own capability

Love etc,
x

**N.B** I know I don't actually drink coffee, but "strawberry frappe milkshake with whipped cream & chat" didn't have quite the same ring to it...

Profound Admirer

I discovered today, by having a real conversation, in the real world, that my bloglet has a Profound Admirer...now if only *I* could have one...
x

To Everything There Is A Season...

Today was the first time in thirteen years that I wasn't at Open Day. Twice before Ben started, twice with Ben before I started, seven (!) times of my own, and then two more since leaving to see what was going on and what I was missing. Clearly I am a glutton for punishment! Not being there today was quite sad in a way, but also an indicator of my progression from scared kid leaving school to (reluctant) responsible adult going out in to the world. Time is a strange thing...when I was faced with the prospect of leaving the school I had loved, I always said I'd chain myself to the gates and they'd never get rid of me. But when it came to it, the gates had been painted blue, and it wasn't quite the same; it wasn't quite my Churcher's College, and leaving wasn't quite so hard. My season there had come to its natural end, and there were new things for me to explore.

I do find it strange then that today of all days I found myself back at my original hall of residence with a friend. Being back at Kingswood was very strange...seeing my old window looking down on the courtyard and the tree we broke on our third night there (that is still broken)...the smell of the corridors that is still the same as it ever was...the familiarity of swinging down the steps in C Block...I found myself thinking that I could go back tomorrow and it wouldn't be weird; I could go back tomorrow and love it just as much as I ever did, and in many ways, I'd give anything to be starting again in September. But same as when I left school, things have changed; its not my Kingswood anymore - my time at uni is also at its natural end.

I was watching a friend listen to The Byrds song "Turn! Turn! Turn!" the other day, but it didn't strike me until today that there really has been a season for everything in my life, and not just that, but a time for every purpose, under heaven. And at each stage, no matter how painful the idea of leaving was, what came next was so much better than I could have planned or imagined...so I'm going with the likelihood that, given just a little bit more patience, that is going to happen again.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29v11

The greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall

I didn't actually intend to blog today; I was just perusing my blog and trying to work out who Blue Eyes was (clearly I've now worked it out!) when I realised the truth of something I claimed to have learnt...

Lets be honest here - the degree result did not go to plan. Those few of you who saw me on Thursday can testify to that...not good times in the land of the lulus. After some genuinely allowed upsetness and a little more Drama Queen-ness, seeing the giraffes at London Zoo and a lovely day in the sun today, I am officially over it. And myself. So it didn't go to plan...so what. There's very little I'd change about my time at uni, and if I did change even the smallest thing, I wouldn't be who I am today. I've learnt more about myself than I could ever have learnt about English literature, and at the end of the day, I'd say that was more important really. A degree is just one piece of paper; the last three years couldn't be summed up on a ream of the stuff.

So pick myself up, move on As someone very wise once said, the greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. And that's made all the easier if you have so many special people to catch you

Love etc.
x

But how *do* they do it?!

I observed *the* cutest conversation at Embankment today...

Small child: Mummy, is the Circle Line called the Circle Line because its a big circle??
Mother: Yes. Well done! That was really good remembering

*she goes back to looking through her handbag having finished the conversation*

*pause*

Small child: Mummy?
Mother: Yes?
Small child: You know how at home the train comes out over the ground and you can see it and Daddy told me that's how they get the trains in to the tunnels??
Mother: Yes... *clearly wondering where this is going*
Small child: So how do they get the trains into the Circle Line?

Does it say something about me that I often wonder the same thing??
x

Things I have learnt...

Its not just English I've been learning for the last three years....

- Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life
- A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hugs
- Missing someone isn't about how long its been since you've seen them, or the amount of time since you've talked...its about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish they were right there with you
- Always wear sunscreen
- Sometimes its ok not to be ok
- A hug says everything words can't
- "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness"
- Cinderella is living proof that a pair of shoes can change your life
- Those who stand for nothing fall for anything
- The greatest glory lies not in falling, but in rising every time we fall
- A girl worth kissing is not easily kissed
- Eventually one of two things will happen...you'll realise he's not worth it, or he'll realise you are
- Don't tell God how big your storm is. Tell the storm how big your God is
- Every new beginning comes from the end of some other beginning's ending
- Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them
- Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

**N.B. There are very few original thoughts there...even the idea of the blog was borrowed from Life Lessons but when was the last time you learnt something that someone else hadn't already thought of??**

Prayer and Pooh Sticks

My dad has what I believe they call "eclectic" taste in music. Said eclecticism meant that I was subjected to Garth Brooks all the way to Cheltenham (which, from Petersfield, is an awful lot of Garth Brooks!!) However, one song did grab my attention which ran something along the lines of thanking God that the singer hadn't got what he'd prayed for at the time because he'd ultimately got something so much better

I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all
And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thankedd the good Lord
For the gifts in my life

In his case, it was a girlfriend and subsquent wife, but how many times do we think that we know so well what is best for us and demand it of God?? Hmm, ponder.

And just incase I hadn't quite got God's point for the day, at Hannah's christening, He had a little nudge as well. Whilst I was busy cooing over how sweet the priest was with the other little kids
asking them all sorts of questions about water and washing and cleaning etc, he started talking about different places water can be found, and somehow managed to get on to describing our lives as Christians like a game of pooh sticks. Now, don't for one second imagine that he used the term pooh sticks; he merely described us as being like sticks drifting down stream towards an ultimate goal but coming up against obstacles and blockages on the way. But you can see how I got pooh sticks out of it!

We all have an idea of what we want and how we're going to get it, but how much do we trust God that He really does know best and wait on His timing. And that means *really* wait and trust in Him, not trust in Him on our terms and in our timing...it means really believing that strength will rise as we wait on God, not just laughing at how catchy the bass riff is. He's not going to give up on us, no matter how much we set our own timings and then fail utterly.

So, with all that in mind, God, can I have a job now??
x

Blog of dreams

I am very excited about my new blog of dreams.

Or at least. I will be excited, jumping off the walls, laughing hysterically and feeling very loved when I discover that my blog has been (lovingly) hacked and redesigned for me.

Perhaps this will inspire me to blog more often...

Much love from the anonymous hacker,
xx

**EDIT** I am indeed very excited. And can't imagine who my anonymous hacker is ;) But much love just the same
x

Guidance

You'd think, with me being an English graduate, this would have occurred to me before, but as someone a little older and a LOT wiser than my humble(ish) self pointed out this evening, you can only guide something that is already moving.
x

You're here to be fed, not to get eaten...

Another classic from Ms Thomas there. But with a serious point...too many of us do too much to just sit and be. We're too busy giving to stop and take. I realised this recently when I realised how much I'd enjoyed just sitting and being in a service and found the truth behind Andy's words so long ago "if you haven't got it, you can't give it away"

Or, as my new favourite song says,

I will say of the Lord He is my refuge
I will say of the Lord He is my strength
I will say of the Lord He is my shelter, my hiding place
I will come to the source all creation
I will drink from the well that never dries
I will draw from the one who won’t grow tired
The Lord of all

We can't do it in our own strength, but God has promised that we can do it in His
x

Forgiveness

Its all well and good asking for forgiveness, but how often do we accept it once we have it?
x

Thought of the day...

Missing someone isn't about how long its been since you've seen them, or the amount of time since you've talked...its about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish they were right there with you
xx

The Woodpecker might have to go...

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:

One Don't miss the boat.

Two Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four Stay fit When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six Build your future on high ground.

Seven For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Eleven No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting...