Love is...

I learnt a lot about love this weekend.

Love isn't big expensive gestures. Love isn't being lavished with gifts. Love isn't bunches of flowers, no matter how perfect any or all of the above are.

Love is going out of your way to give my god-daughter a lift to Ashburnham, even though it meant you were caught up so badly in the Friday traffic.

Love is knowing when I need a neck rub to calm me down.

Love is spending your free time doing tech work I should have done to make sure I got some free time too.

Love is sitting in the dark with me when I have a migraine, holding me and rubbing my forehead when that technically broke all the purpling rules.

Love is getting my hot chocolate once I'm upright again because moving hurts my head.

Love is you, Mr Drummer Boy. And I'm so glad you're all mine.

Love, etc.
xx

Problematic

I love being a Sound Engineer. I actually love it - I love music and how it all works together, I love mixing the different instruments together to make it sound good, I love the process of starting with an empty room and ending up with an awesome band blaring out the speakers.

The one thing I don't like about being a Sound Engineer is the stress. Not the stress of an event - that gets my adrenaline going and gives me the kicks to get going and get everything rigged. More the stress that I put myself under. Some of it healthy to make sure that everything is planned & all the kit gets on the van, most of it much less healthy that just ties me up in knots and makes me panic.

This weekend I'm doing a regular gig - I've done it exactly the same before, for the same clients with the same kit in the same venue. I've even got pretty much the same band as before, yet still I ended up in a flat spin yesterday while I was rigging. I could do it in my sleep, yet I still need Shep to dive in and help me before I lost the plot - I stressed myself out totally unnecessarily over something I know I could do. Even the AV side of things (which is still a bit new to me & still fills me with dread when I'm using any system other than that which I've been trained on) is all do-able (once I was provided with a laptop that actually WORKED) but yet I found myself in tears when I was prepping kit yesterday morning because I couldn't at that point see it working. Yet if I'd stopped to think about it logically, there was no need to panic. There were so many other solutions if Plan A hadn't worked. Its just occurred to me that technology is what makes this all so complicated - if the technology doesn't work, then that's that. New plan needed. But without technology, I'd be without a job. That I happen to love very much. So instead of dispensing with technology, I think I'll dispense with the panic. OK?

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunlight

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Love, etc.

xx

I'm so proud!

Today I proudly present (with HUGE thanks to Nessa)...my first blogging award!!


The Rules:

As an award recipient, I am asking you to do the following:

List seven things that you love and then pass the award on to seven bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

So my 7 things...

Music

I love most kinds of music...singing it, playing it, listening to it, mixing it...I love how it all fits together and I *love* the shiver you get down your spine from certain melodies/harmonies. Love it.

GodHe's kind of important in my life. Without Him, I wouldn't have gone to St Johns...the rest is history.

Hugs

I don't think I function properly without my hugs and cuddles. From the kids, from The Drummer. From pretty much anyone really. Its all about the cuddles.

My FriendsAin't that the truth!!

Sound Desks

Because I am officially a geek. But that's my job. So I get to do what I love all day every day. And I don't think it gets much better than that!!

TechnologyIn all its forms, I am a fan. Living away from the majority of my friends (and my boy) I pretty much rely on technology to keep me sane. I am rarely far from an internet connection and never more than a foot away from my phone.

The kids

Babysitting is, without doubt, one of the things I miss most now I'm back home, and seeing them all and getting so many hugs and excited "guess what? guess whats?" everytime I go visit is one of the best things in the world :)

And as for my 7 favourite bloggers...that's kinda tough!! In no particular order now,

* Miss Blue Eyes

* Miss Musing

* Lele

* BlueBelle

* Sarcastiscally Optimistic

* Ariel

* Lily

So there we go. Enjoy your awards ladies, and keep up the good work!!

Coffee & Chat** (part 5)

"Do not mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon"

Lesley Garrett used to annoy the hell out of me, particularly when she got to dance with Mr du Beke every week, so I wasn't best pleased when she started turning up on Loose Women. However, I am totally and utterly converted to her these days - she's actually hilarious and I see a lot of myself in her (i.e. verbal diarrhea, constant hysterical gigling, wildly inappropriate with gorgeous men, constant singing etc) and really respected her today when they were talking about their mottos for life.

Things might feel like they're in a rut right now, but you can't stop once you get to the top of the rut. Once you're up there, there's a new horizon to aim for. Further away than you think is possible, sure, but didn't you think that the top of the rut was impossible just a short time ago??

Love, etc.
xx

**OK, so I was having lunch and they were having coffee & chatting on the tv, but still...
x

Taking my life off hold...

I was reading Miss Blue Eyes' latest blog this morning & thinking about what she said when I realised why I'm quite so excited about having a job - I can finally take my life off hold.

Since I applied for my first job last May, I've been constantly waiting for interviews/call backs/employment offers and not been able to make big plans because of such uncertainty over what I'd be doing when. That uncertainty meant no holidays, however big or small last summer because I didn't know when I may or may not be starting work. That uncertainty meant I couldn't move in with friends last September because money was so short and I didn't know where or when it would next appear. That uncertainty meant I was confined to being within a day's travel of London and/or Egham (I know, totally not that much of a chore to me!) incase I was called for interview.

Suddenly, now I have a job, this has all changed - I can plan trips to the seaside for Easter and daytrips to London over the summer. I'm thinking about Soul Survivor as a very real possibility and definitely planning a trip back to Rome with Miss Africa. I can afford to be spontaneous and go shopping for the day in the sunshine.

Its not about the money, although that does bring with it a certain freedom that I've been lacking these last 10 months. Its more about relaxing into and enjoying the freedom of the structure beginning to reappear after so long without it.

Its possible this thought made more sense in my head...

Love, etc.
xx

Coming to expect the unexpected

I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that there's no point in trying to second guess God - the biggest things that have happened/are happening in my life were completely unseen. I had no idea when I left Egham to come home for 2 days for Bugsy Malone that it would end up with me leaving for good. I didn't know that when I left The Crown on my last night in Egham that I would end up going out with The Drummer less than a month later (although his txt about an hour after we left did give the game away a little bit...) I had very little faith that there was a point in submitting my application form to TPS 3 days after the closing date, but they called me the next day to offer me an interview.

I like to believe He does the same with people too by the way. I came across a quote the other day from Little Miss reminding me that

...certain people enter our lives at the most peculiar times, for the most beautiful reasons.
They seem to make such perfect impressions whilst leaving behind an everlasting impact. Some of the best things in life appear when you least expect them...

I was reminded of it again last night when I was trying to field conversations with three of my best friends - a very upset god-daughter having a crisis that I just had no answers for, my littlest one having a good old fashioned bad day and needing cheering up and Miss Africa scared about injections & operations. I didn't have answers for any of them, and just couldn't seem to say anything to help. I in turn was getting upset to The Drummer, who did what he does best - called me to cheer me up. Just hearing his voice, particularly hearing the concern in it, brought my smile back. His prayers for me and the girls meant that I was able to send them off to bed smiling (more or less) and cheer up myself before going to sleep.

I was busy having my own crisis that I didn't have answers and couldn't help that I forgot the advice I give my girls so often - we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. I didn't need to have the answers; I just needed to listen & be there. That's all they needed, and that's what I was (eventually) able to do. I've been given everything I need to cope with what's thrown at me. And someone to remind me that I've got it all when I forget.

I guess it all comes down to knowing Who knows what is best for you.

Love, etc.
xx

Perfection in the face of desperation, or, Why I should stop trying and start trusting.

I need to sleep. Really need to sleep. Today has been exhausting & my nerves and emotions are shot. But first, let me introduce you to my new office...

Desperation meant I was searching school websites for study supervisors when I saw that TPS wanted a Theatre Technician. Desperation meant that I cried when I saw it had closed 3 days earlier. Desperation meant I applied for it anyway. And perfection meant that I got called for interview the next day.

Desperation meant that when my interview got rescheduled last week, I lost the plot (and when I say "lost the plot," I mean in a seriously absolutely totally spectacularly I-am-an-epic-failure-at-life kinda way...) Perfection meant that I had 5 extra days to learn as much as I could about lighting (perfection also meant that I needed to know barely any of it during my interview!)

Desperation meant I was totally honest about how much prayer I needed. Perfection meant I was surrounded and covered by it & was constantly reminded all day just how blessed I am with my friends.

Desperation meant that when he hadn't called by 1700, I gave up on hearing today. Perfection meant that we'd just sat down to eat when he called & The Drummer & my parents were all there to celebrate with me.

Desperation has become all too familiar to me recently. But from here on in?? I'm going to stop trying and start trusting and just see what happens. Because what's happened so far is pretty damn good.


Love, etc.
xx

Funny how things turn out...

Bluebelle's little sister looked around our old university yesterday, and when we were chatting about it over lunch today, I asked her why she'd chosen it as a potential college for her degree. Her answer? "Because its really pretty" It was quite amusing, particularly as that's pretty much the reason her elder sister chose said university to study at. A quick straw poll round the table established that the majority of people chose it because "it was pretty" (even The Drummer) (although he protests that he didn't say pretty...) **

I have to admit that I, for one, wasn't keen on the idea of a London university. And by not keen, I mean utterly totally dead set against it. To the point of having a minor coronary every time someone suggested one of the London colleges to fill the last gap on my UCAS form. I didn't want to live in London. I didn't want to work in London. I just didn't want to be anywhere near London. The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever refused to take no for an answer when she told me that RoHo was the perfect place for me. The ensuing conversation went something along the following lines...

Karen (because there was no way I was typing out The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever every other line) : I think you should consider it
Me: But its London. I Don't. Want. London.
Karen: Stop being so stroppy with me. Go and look at the website and come back in half an hour a better reason for not applying than "I don't want to"

*loads website*

*slinks back in to Karen's office 2 minutes later*

Me: OK, so when are we sending off my complete UCAS form.

To give her her due, she's never once to this day said I told you so. And she totally could have done. Because she did. Just for that one little conversation, everything today could be so very different. Yes, she knew me very well and knew I wasn't going to fly off the handle at her pushing me, but even so, she still dared to push me. Who do you need to push today??

In my defence though, when faced with this


and this


its hardly surprising I caved.

Oh, and I'm totally over the London thing.

Funny how things turn out.

love, etc.
xx

** the fact that two of the guys tried to claim it was chosen for course content is, I feel, slightly beside the point. They're boys. And at least one of them was fibbing (The other claimed monetary reasons, which were entirely utterly plausable...)

Understanding, or, When Things Suddenly Fall Into Place

The Godfather is one of my biggest fans (he has to be...its in the job description) but even he couldn't contain his laughter when we were chatting earlier about Skegness (goodness knows why!) & I shared with him part of The Epic Tale Of Our Journey In The Big Red Machine. That tale in its entirety is to be kept for another time, but suffice to say, the bit he found amusing was where I had to be taught where Skegness was. When I was on my way there. Yes. Apparently its nowhere near Blackpool. In my defence, Geography has never been my strong point...

In an attempt to curb his laughter, I shared a few other examples of my slowness in understanding, in the hope that he would see that its a) not my fault I'm a bit dim and b) that its not that funny. Turns out a) it may or may not be my fault I'm a bit dim but that b) it certainly is that funny. So what if I grew up in a Christian home on a healthy diet of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and it still took me 22 years to work out why its always winter and never Christmas?! Or that the phrase "no room to swing a cat" doesn't actually refer to felines?! Or being on the London Eye and realising (i.e. being told) that the pods rotate so they stay upright rather than going upside down at the top. Or...I think I might stop now**.

I had another such moment where everything falls into place this morning when I was reading. I have to admit, I've fallen prey to popularist culture (I know, so very rare for me!), and yesterday picked up a copy of The Shack, which is the latest Christian fad in popular literature. When it comes to "Christian novels" I am all sorts of a skeptic, and have resisted thus far, but I was bored, and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I'm only about halfway through and have yet to lose my skepticism. I did almost waver and give in this morning though when I read the following lines,

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within
their ability to fly, not the other way round...You, on the other hand, were created
to be loved. So for you, to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the
other way round....Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its
ability to fly" The Shack by WM Paul Young

I know everyone blathers on about no-one loving you unless you love yourself, but I genuinely believe that unless you are loved, unless you experience what it is to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed, you can't fully understand what love is. And when you have it, everything does fall in to place and you realise that you can fly. Not that you ever couldn't, it just helps when you have someone believing in you.

Love, etc.
xx

** OK, so the London Eye thing was a bit dim, but the rest of them still stand.

Normal

If you've ever spent any length of time with my family, you'll know that the phrase "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps" could have been written about our household. Its a running joke that none of us have emerged to join the real world "normal," for after all, what is normal?? ** All jokes aside though, I was thinking about this the other night - what is normal?? Normal is sitting on the sofa Facebooking while The Drummer watches Top Gear. Normal is coffee in Neros and seeing half of St Johns walk past the window. Normal is Sunday night in the pub with the gang.

But normal is also walking in through the front door to the comforting smell of "home," normal is my own space and all my stuff around me, normal is Thursday Coffee with The Godfather. What is normal??

Egham is normal. Petersfield is normal. And spending so much time in both recently has just made me realise how special normal can be. Life will never be entirely normal while I split my life between two counties, but I'm detemined to enjoy the normalcy in amongst the madness.

Love, etc.
xx

** I would like to clarify that I am, in fact, the most normal of all of us. Yes.