Music is my memory...

In the past few days, one of the things that has helped me most has been various bits of music that people have pointed me towards, because when I stop to think about it, music is, and always will be my memory. If there's a point that needs to be made, I'll remember it for a lot longer if it's associated with a song.

And so, in no particular order, a few songs that have come to mean rather a lot to me in the past week or so:

Sometimes Im clueless and Im clumsy

But Ive got friends that love me

And they know just where I stand

Its all a part of me

And thats who I am

So when I make a big mistake

When I fall flat on my face

I know Ill be alright

Should my tender heart be broken

I will cry those teardrops knowin

I will be just fine

cause nothin changes who I am

Lani has literally just introduced me to that one, but as soon as I looked at the lyrics, I knew exactly which bit reminded her of me. And it's true...nothing changes who I am. Whether my friends understand me and support me, or if they turn away and don't help, it doesn't matter. I'm still me, and, at the end of the day, people can like it or lump it!! I need to stop caring so much about what people think about me and look after number one for a while.

Which brings me nicely on to Sarah's song for me:

I don't need you to

Tell me i'm pretty to make me feel beautiful

I don't need you to

Give me your strength to make me feel i'm strong

I got all of this strength that I need hereinside my own two hands

All that I want is your love and respect for who I am

What I really need

Comes from deep inside of me

Don't need you to tell me i'm pretty to make me feel beautiful

Don't need you to make me strong cuz i'm strong all on my own

Doesn't come from outside

This beauty I know

Comes from inside my soul

Tacky singer, but actually, the words need to be said. My blog from the other day (Just Because They're Them) shows the people who are helping me, but actually, all they're doing is showing me what I already know how to do, I've just forgotten right now and so need a loving kick back in the right direction.

The next one comes courtesy of our friendly chaplain, who, when I was being really rather rude about his taste in music, pointed out to me the lyrics of one Jack Johnson where he sings

And maybe you been through this before

But its my first time

So please ignore

The next few lines cause they're directed at you

I cant always be waiting waiting on you

I cant always be playing playing your fool

I keep playing your cardsBut its not my scene

Wont this plot not twist?

I have no place to read?

Keep building me up, then shooting me down

Well im already down

Just wait a minute

Just sitting waiting

Just wait a minute

Just sitting waiting

And, really, the ultimate put down:

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off of you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind off you

I can't take my mind...

My mind...my mind...

'Til I find somebody new

Love it. Almost as much as I love all my amazing friends. But not quite that much, because that can't be put into words

xx

Just because they're them...

Couldn't have done the past few days without them. Or without this one:

Just thought I'd tell the world how wonderful my three bestest girlies are.

I deserve so much better...

Ho hum. Now I've returned from my attempt to run away and avoid the problem, I thought I should probably blog again. For regular readers, what comes next may come as something of a shock. Except for those of you who have had the misfortune to be on the end of a phone or MSN to me in the past two days, because between you, you've said it all anyway. Lulu land has not been the best place to be recently, despite Lovely Day and Lovely Day mark 2, and whilst this isn't necessarily a blog of details (because that wouldn't help the situation at all), it *is* a blog of immense thanks.

I've done a *lot* of realising in the past few days. Realising who my friends really are, realising how much they all care about me, and finally, possbly, maybe, realising how valued I am. Learning that I deserve so much better than I've been getting recently from some friends and the way I've been treated recently says nothing about who I am as a person, but says much more about who my "friends" are. When I say friends, at the moment I use the word in the loosest sense. Or perhaps the past tense. I don't know; I wish I did, because then perhaps it would be easier to deal with.

I find it vaguely ironic that my music right now is God Only Knows by The Beach Boys, coz I know for sure that I couldn't have got through the past few days without certain people, so I'm finding the lyrics for that pretty poignant right now

If you should ever leave me

Well life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows

I've also found those lyrics have much more meaning in other ways too, namely, God only knows. Now for most people, that's just a saying, but I *know* that God gave me these amazing people around me; its his way of giving me the strength I need to get through each day at the moment. All the time I was at home, I was thinking of a song that I've always loved, but today and for the next few days, will be really special to me:

Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed renewed

Flowing from the grace that I found

In You

Lord I've come to know

The weakness I see in me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle

And I will soar with You

Your Spirit leads me on

By the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes

Let me see You face to face

The knowledge of Your love as You live

In me

Lord renew my mind

As Your will unfolds my life

In living every day

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And so, the immense thanks:

- Jo B for sending me the sweetest email that caused me to cry (a lot) when I read it, and for caring about me so much. For being the most amazing sister I never had, and just generally for loving me.

- Sarah N for spending so much time talking to me on Thursday before I left, and for speaking out very bravely in telling me what needed to be said, not what I needed to hear. She's about the only person who can get away with telling it to me that straight, and it worked. Well, it is working. Slowly. But its working.

- Tim for just being Tim. Managing to make me laugh when all I felt like doing was crying, and really, just for caring about me!! For understanding completely my need to leave, and for sending me a message telling me to take care of myself. Which also made me cry, but that's not saying much at the moment.

- Lani for being one of the best friends a girl could have, and for the knowledge that she's there every minute of every day should I need her.

Me running home on Thursday was completely out of character; I don't run from problems, I solve them, but this one is taking some pretty hefty work to solve. I know it's not going to happen over night. There are gonna be good days and bad days, I'm gonna get upset, but I'm also not going to let it ruin the rest of what otherwise has been the most perfect year.

And finally...because I'm listening to it right now and because I need to remember it:

I'm sick, I'm tired of staying in control

Oh yes, I feel a rat upon a wheel

I've got to no what's not and what is real

Oh yes, I'm sorry I digressed

Impressed you're dressed to SOS

Oh, and my parents love me

Oh, and my girlfriends love me

Oh, they keep photos of me

Oh, thats enough love for me

Lovely Day Mark 2...

When I say lovely day...lovely afternoon. Could have done without the 3 1/4 hour exam this morning, but it went ok, so lets not complain *too* much....

Once again, the loveliness of the day was down to the BEEYOOTIFUL sunshine...after my exam me, my little Afro Matt and Dan headed to Crosslands for lunch...sat in the Quad. Didn't move from said Quad for FOUR hours. Don't get me wrong, I varied my company suitably across those four hours - Jo, Tim, Matt, Stina...ok, so not much variance, but some very lovely time spent with some very lovely people.

As I said to Lani, revision level = zero. Happiness level = 100. Which is something to be encouraged after the past couple of days. As various people (Sarah and Lani, and Tim actually) could tell you, I haven't been the happiest of bunnies recently...hideous complications and all. Today, however, just cemented in my mind what I already really knew - its people like Jo and Tim and Sarah and Lani an Na who I need around me. Not people who bring me down (naming no names, but hey, doubt he's reading it anyway...its got my name on it). For the past two days, everything has set me off almost in tears - music, films, even Facebook upset me at one point...but things are on the up. More time with "good" people and very little time wasted on those who don't care about me!!

I'm now getting told to go to bed left, right and centre, so I'm gonna head off...can't wait until exams are OVER and I can stay up for as long as I like and sleep in until I wake up... *sigh*

much love

me

xx

I blame Lani...

Well, she said that revision was no reason for not blogging...I blogged yesterday it is true, but also felt the need to play with Blogthings rather than do my revision. Which, in my defence, I actually spent the whole afternoon doing out in the sun *sigh* (revising that is, not Blogthings)

So here goes...you never know, they might give you an insight into my life at the moment as well...

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship. You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

People Envy Your Generosity

You're a giving soul, and you'd do almost anything for those you love. And they'd do anything for you! People may envy how giving you are, but more than anything, they envy those you open your heart to.

What Do People Envy About You?

You Are a Red Flower

A red flower tends to represent power, seduction, and desire. At times, you are loving like a red tulip. And at other times, you're very enthusiastic, like a bouvardia. And more than you wish, your passion is a bit overwhelming, like a red rose.

What Color Flower Are You?

Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2

"Sky falls, you feel like It's a beautiful day Don't let it get away" You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments. And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.

What's Your Theme Song?

Well that was fun!!!

Muchos love mes lovlies

me

xx

Lovely Day

Fulfilling my promise to Na to blog...wasn't in a blogging mood for the past few days, but had such a lovely day today that I am now back in the blogosphere :)

Dunno why today was so lovely...it just was!! Had an exam yesterday, which was kinda stressful, but its over, so why bother stressing!!! Had a really nice evening with Sarah N last night too at Jeff's induction and a really good chat to Chris online after she'd gone. Very much feeling the love for my St John's Cru atm.

My procrastination skills are becoming finely honed by the challenge of exams...the closer it gets to the exam, the better my procrastination becomes. I'm getting very creative actyally...painting my nails...straightening my hair...commenting on Tim's GORGEOUS photos on Facebook (just to clarify that point - the *photos* are gorgeous, not Tim. Because that would just be innappropriate. And odd) (Really hope he isn't reading this...) But they are very gorgeous...had such a nice afternoon at Tim & Sarah's last Sunday just playing with small children...SO nice!!

But to get back to today (funny how talking about procrastination has meant that I was procrastinating from the topic...ironic, I'd say!!) Today. Got woken up at the fairly unearthly hour of 6.15, coz I hadn't shut my curtains properly and the sun was shining on my face. Obviously, I went back to sleep until the slightly more humane hour of 9.30...but being woken up by the sun is *so* nice...put me in a good mood for the rest of the day!!!! Had a very lazy morning doing naff all, then met Stina and my little Afro Matt in Crosslands for YUMMY lunch, then had a revision seminar for my Novel exam next week (okies, that wasn't amazing, but we can move swiftly on...) Went back to Crosslands and came across Hannah, Becca and John in the Quad and we walked back to Swood in the sunshine, via the Ice Cream shop. NICE!!! As John would say, we then "macked" in the sun outside for a while and then went shopping in Staines. Very chilled, and very lovely.

All in all, I'm feeling the love!!

muchos love

me

xx

ps Blogging normality will be resumed soon...I will record my random thoughts on a much more regular basis NAOMI!!! *hugs*