Just Because...

I like just because.

Love, etc.
xx

The Tables Are Turned... (a.k.a Fit For Purpose part 2)

When RJ & Sound Man sat me down and taught me about me about gain theory and condenser mics and sound desks and every type of cable under the sun, I never in a million years thought it would lead to me teaching anyone anything ever. Yet in the space of 2 days, I've delivered a mini-lecturette on pan-pots, instructed FAR too many children in the correct etiquette of a Tech Gallery and been given two prefects to train as Junior Technicians. Oh, and been asked to help deliver the "technical" side of a new diploma the kids are starting in Creative and Media Studies *PANIC FACE*

How can I teach something I barely know myself?? What do I have to offer about the role of being a technician?! Why do people keep treating me like an adult when I'm really really not?! (Clearly I am doing too good a job of pretending...) But in all seriousness - I never expected that I'd have to share what I know in any kind of formal setting, let alone stand in front of 27 kids and start their introduction to Technical Theatre. I've barely finished my own.

There is, however, a part of my brain that is pointing out that that is just exactly what we're meant to do with our knowledge and things that we learn - pass it on to others. I've blogged about the Parable of the Talents before, particularly in the context of my work, so I guess this is just another nudge to remind to stop hoarding and start sharing. Clearly this year is going be very little to do with resting on my laurels and quite a lot to do with getting fit for the next purpose that He has in store for me.

Love, etc.
xx

Straight Talking

The Godfather is one of the few people in my life who can say something how it is, even if I won't like it (particularly if I won't like it!) and get away with it. And even get me to agree with him, 9 times out of 10 (and on the 10th time, I know I'll come round to his way of thinking eventually)

I was reading over my journal today when I was reminded of the time last summer when he left me struck dumb in the middle of Cafe Neros when he asked me whether I thought my relationship with God was starting to resemble that of the (non)relationship I was "in" at the time. Going out of my way to help him, anticipating his needs and being there to do/get what he needed. Being picked up and put down dependent on who else was around to entertain him yet I was always there waiting for him to come back again and again. Taking him back on any terms just to get him back. And so on. And so on. I suddenly could see The Godfather's point. And BOY was it an uncomfortable realisation.

I journaled the following in response that evening,
When its put so starkly that I'm treating You in the same way [he] treats me...I don't deserve any blessings at all, let alone the things I want for my comfort and convenience. When I think about how much it hurts me when [he] ignores me or picks me up and throws me away again at his convenience - I can't begin to imagine how much it hurts You that I've been doing that to You and I'm so sorry...

It was one of those tonne of bricks moments where suddenly you realise that a relationship with God means a relationship. And relationships come with hurt, however unintentional it may be.

I had another one this morning in church (although possibly slightly more shower of pea shingle than tonne of bricks...) when I was thinking about a friends BBQ that the gang were all at yesterday and how nice it was to hang out with my Little One after not seeing her properly for so long. It was a little bit bittersweet though, as I was kind of sad that we've drifted a little far apart since graduation/leaving Egham/starting work. I realised I hadn't put enough time or effort into maintaining the friendship when it ceased to be so naturally convenient and simple. And you see where this is starting to go...

When it struck home the most was when I looked up and saw The Drummer just sitting watching me and I knew that if I'd asked him what he was looking at, he'd say he was just watching me be happy and excited to see all the people I hadn't seen for so long - just the same as God does everytime I go to church. My relationship with The Drummer is hugely balanced - sometimes we talk really deeply and seriously (rare, but we're working on it) sometimes we're messing around and having fun and enjoying each others company and sometimes we just hang out simply spending time being together. I thought when I got together with him that an earthly relationship is sometimes a good model for working on your relationship with God because it makes all the emotions more real and understandable.

That comes with the flip side too though. Something to work on I feel...

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. The Journal from the night I got together with The Drummer? I don't think I deserve him, but thankyou for giving him to me. In the light of what I've just been writing about...hmm. Point made.
xx

Achievements

What is an achievement?? Watching The Apprentice semi-final made me think about this quite seriously.

One of the candidates was talking about what it would mean to her to win, saying that she would be able to prove to herself and her family and her daughters that she was more than what she'd achieved so far in her life.

I was surprised at my own reaction to that comment - I have one of the clearest career goals of most of the people I know, and a lot of people would probably think, understandably, that my career is one of the most important things to me in my life. When I heard Lorraine say that though, my first thought was for her girls - maybe its just me, but when I have children, THEY will be the biggest achievement of my life.

Last Night of the Proms will be epic, but my life won't have been pointless if I never get there. I might never get there - part of me worries that I'm not ruthless enough to get to the top, but I know that ultimately, that's not the most important thing to me.

JEB once called me laughably traditional. I think he was probably right. An achievement in and of itself.

Love, etc.
xx

We're All In This Together

Something I've realised over the last few weeks is that I'm really not alone in anything - in every single aspect of my life in the last little while I've had support and love from every angle, often hugely unexpected places. One of the instances that really sticks in my mind is The Beautiful Dr sending me an amazingly lovely, very wise response to my *ahem* issues. I don't know her overly well...we've connected more over FB, blogging and absences of our respective boys than we did in real life, but her advice was spot on and so very wise :) Another was The Godfather's wife offering to let me visit with her and the little monkeys (and The Godfather if he could have been tempted away from his Mac) over the half-term, knowing how much I'm missing the little ones in Egham and also how much I've just needed a complete change of scenery and pace this last week.

I know I've written it before, but I truly am blessed by the people around me. So often when my friends are struggling with things and feeling God is giving them no answers, I push them towards their friends - I truly believe that God puts the people around you that you need (or at least, within your reach) reminding me time and again that

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many,
they form one body"
1 Corinthians 12v12

Or, in the immortal words of the HSM kids,

Love, etc.
xx

Pros and Cons

I had one of my "moments" the other night about myself, which basically involved me sitting on MSN to one of the girls going "I'm not this, I'm not that, I'm not the other" which she very patiently listened to for about ten minutes. Once I'd finished my rant, she challenged me to list everything I *am* rather than focusing on what (I think) I'm not & put the 2 lists side by side. Pros and Cons of the Beautiful Intellectual, if you will.

The lists ran something like this (slightly edited for the sake of my embarassment/eternal judgement at the hands of my readers)

CONS: (yes, of course I started with the negative stuff!)

• getting chubby
• thunder thighs (yes, they deserve a listing all of their own they're getting that big)
• hair that does very strange things that only resemble curls for abot 5 minutes then just goes frizzy
• hate-inducing eyebrows
  
• still living at home with my parents at the age of 22
  
• can't drive

PROS: (and it took a LONG time to get these out of me)

• make awesome brownies
• good musician
• good at my job
• determined
  
• easy to get on with
• fiercely loyal
• good friend

It was a really strange time having to analyse myself - serious, rational introspection is not something I often indulge in, particularly when I realised that I judge myself on hugely shallow attributes that have nothing to do with my value as a person. And then insult everyone around me by expecting them to do the same. I spend far too long focusing on the negatives to realise that no-one else does - they only see in my the positive things it took so long to drag out of myself. I try to make myself what I think others want to see, and, in the process, totally miss that they seem to like what's already there.

So what if I'm getting a bit chubby - clever dressing will cover that. Bad hair day? That's why there are hats/hairbands/paper-bags (joke) But a person who is weak-willed? No make-up can change that. Bad friends can't disguise themselves in color co-ordinated clothes. Loyalty can't be created like a hairstyle can.

No-one can understand [their] mystery. The best you can do is get immersed
in it. It is no use your arguing about pros and cons; dive and know
the depth. Eat and know the taste"
Sri Sathya Sai Baba

I don't think I'll ever stop seeing my cons, and I very much doubt my friends will ever stop impressing upon me my pros, but I'd like to find a happy medium where I know my depths. Where I know myself and like what I've found there. And even if I don't get there, there is one thing I'm sure of, no matter how much I laugh about it - I *am* a daughter of the King of Kings of whom He is proud, no matter how I feel about myself.

love, etc
xx

p.s. and as for the eyebrows...everyone has a cross to bear, right? :p

x

Possession is 9/10 of the law...

But its that other pesky 1/10 that really gets to you...

I was chatting to one of my girls yesterday about possessiveness - there's a girl in our friendship group who's possessiveness is legendary amongst our peers, and she's lost friends over it and alienated others with her attitudes. Having come up against that a number of times, I've struggled hugely to understand it - if there was any jealousy to be felt, it would most logically have been directed AT her, not received FROM her.

I've recently started to understand better her position (outrageously honest moment alert) if only because I've started to become equally possessive over something that is so drastically important to me. The Drummer's ex-girlfriend (to be blunt) properly did one over the fact he was going out with me (not because it was me, just because it was someone other than her) It upset him a huge amount at the time, and he's really appreciated recently her attempts at returning to their old friendship (particularly seeing as how they work together and have a number of the same friends) I, on the other hand, am being a complete cow about the whole situation and would quite willingly damage her if she crossed my path. Its childish I know. He's with me I know. But there's still a part of me that isn't entirely convinced he won't change his mind.

We've had many MANY talks about it (rational on his part, normally prompted by irrational tears on mine) but I'm still not utterly convinced. And not, before you start making assumptions, because he's ever exhibited ANY kind of behaviour to lead me to think that - I'm not convinced he'll stay with me because of how *I* see myself. I try to persuade myself (and him) that I'm concerned because I love him and don't want to lose him, but really, its because I'm hugely insecure when it comes to my self and my self-image. The Drummer watched my previous "relationship" damage me hugely - my self-worth took a massive beating and my self-belief was practically non-existent, and its for that reason that I'm so possessive of him towards The Ex - sometimes I fail to see why he'd stay with me when he could go out with someone else.

In this case, I'm the one who the jealousy should be (and I suspect still slightly is) aimed at, but yet I don't know how to convince myself he's not going anywhere - he can't do anymore than he already does to convince me of that. I need to change how *I* think and act. How *I* see myself. The fact I'm his and he's happy to tell the world so is the 9/10. The other 1/10 is up to me.

So much for the New Years resolution.

love, etc.
xx

Just take some time...

One of my favourite times of the day is when I get to sit and go through my Google Reader. That time is my time, even when I'm with The Drummer. Those few minutes are mine to read and think and comment - in the same way writing my blog lets me arrange the thoughts in my own head, reading other blogs gives me new things to think about (and a lot of smiles and laughter at all the cute kiddos)

Some of my favourite blogs are people's tumblrs, as rarely a day goes by without me writing down one or other of the quotes from them in my notebook ready to file away for another day and another blog post (yes, that's the truth...my blogging inspiration is rarely my own. It nearly always comes from other people's quotes *shame*)

One such example was this morning when I read the following

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing

what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book and remembering - because

you can't take it all in at once"

Audrey Hepburn

and for some reason (possibly because I'm in the throes of planning my trip back there) I was reminded of the day my fellow goddesses and I went to the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel. Now, for those of you who have never been, the Sistine Chapel is tucked RIGHT inside the Vatican and takes a good ten minutes walk through the galleries to get to it. Now, when you've been standing in a queue for an hour before the place has even opened, there is, admittedly, a certain amount of impatience to just get to the Sistine Chapel already, bypassing all the tourist bus groups who are stopping to take their pictures and generally be slow. Turns out that in our haste to get to our destination, we missed some epicly beautiful tapestries and carvings. We missed the stunning views out over the city and the pristine Papal Gardens below. We had our eyes so firmly on the prize, we weren't really looking around, and certainly weren't stopping to value and enjoy.

How many of us do that with life?? I'm determined that my trip back this year will reflect my new outlook on life...it might take Miss Africa and I an hour to get from the entrance to the Chapel, but we'll have got to the same place in the end AND we'll have seen everything on the way too.

So yeah, just slow down and look around you. Don't miss the little things just because you're going too fast.

Love, etc.
xx

Setting the summer out in style

Summer '09 is going to be good. Possibly better than good. I have a small inkling that its going to be the best ever, if only for these three reasons:

1) celebrating the end of my first term at work directing lighting here:


2) Spending a whole week in the sun with The Drummer (& his LOVELY parents) here:


3) Going back here after 3 years away:


There's also three weddings, plenty of time spent in Egham with my extended family and the small matter of a Take That tour with Sound Man.

I'm pretty sure there'll be a whole lot of this kind of behaviour too:


and hopefully some of this:

DEFINITELY some of this:


and most likely a WHOLE lot of this:


Bring it on.

Love, etc.
xx

I went looking for my ideals outside of myself and discovered its not what the world hold's for you but what you bring to it...

I knew this was what I'd call this post just as soon as I read through Lele's post. She's got such a knack of getting some really deep stuff about God and life and being a grown up sprinkled in a day to day post, I love days when she pops up on my reader!!

So without further ado, my first guest post from the lovely Lele:

Hi, y’all! My name is Leann and I want to thank Laura for coming up with this idea of being a guest blogger. I feel honored! I’m from the beautiful state of Arkansas in the Southern U.S. Most people think that my state is full of hillbillies and rednecks and while we do have our share, there are also a lot of classy people here. Like myself. :) Some can even write and speak properly. We do have a lot of strange colloquialisms, but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum here.

While I do love the U.S., I heart England so much. My ancestors came from England, Scotland, and Ireland. I have red hair and turquoise eyes. I’m as pale as they come. I watch BBC-America (LOVE Doctor Who, especially David Tennant) and enjoy British musical artists (in particular, Morrissey). I love Jane Austen and the Bronte Sisters. In 2000, I had the opportunity to visit London and Bath. I was in college at the time and most of the kids in our tour were still in high school. I still had a great time and someday I’d love to go back and take my husband with me. We talk about “moving to Ireland someday” quite a bit. We have lots of dreams...

I have always lived in Arkansas and growing up, I romanticized adulthood. All I wanted to be when I grew up was an adult/mother/housewife/working woman/etc. My parents never explained to me just how hard adulthood is. I dreamed of having a white, three story house with three balconies and a Jacuzzi tub (seriously) by the time I was 25. I poured over house plans before I was even in Junior High school. I just knew I’d do better than my parents financially. I was, after all, going to attend and graduate from college (neither of my parents graduated). Fast forward to today—I wish I could go back to the innocence of my childhood! Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I never thought about bills, working 40+ hours per week, all the inconveniences that pop up when owning your own home, having to wait until you’re in a better financial situation to start having children, realizing your parents’ flaws, admitting you’re overweight and submitting to an exercise regimen, disappointment when your dreams don’t come true, etc. Sometimes I wonder if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages...

And then there are very adult issues such as depression, with which I was recently diagnosed. I get it honest...my dad's side of the family is filled with depressives, so it was bound to happen. After the diagnosis, I realized I’ve probably been depressed for a very long time but only recently have I had a difficult time dealing with it. There are only a few times in my adult life where I can remember being genuinely happy. I know that God never promised us happiness; He promised us joy but not necessarily happiness. But even still, I have a hard time understanding why I’ve only been happy during a few periods of my life. I do want to get better and am working on it, but I think it’s going to take longer than I want.

Another weird thing is that I STILL don’t feel like a grown-up. Am I the only one? I mean, I just turned 30 in March and you’d think that I would feel like a grown-up. But I don’t. I still feel like maybe I should be in college...it’s almost as if my brain isn’t progressing as fast as it should. Shouldn’t I mentally feel like a 30-year-old? I do feel like a 30-year-old physically (*groan*) but not in my heart and head. Someone once told me that you never truly feel grown until your parents pass on. If that is the case, I hope I don’t feel like an adult for a long time. I sometimes wonder if having children will change this. I guess we have to see when that time comes.

I currently work as a technical writer for a government agency (it’s not as exciting as it sounds) but the last few years I’ve had this vision of being a freelance or book editor. I’d also love to own a used bookstore in an antebellum home. I don’t know if these goals will ever be realized, but at least I have something to strive for. I wonder if that’s why I don’t feel completely grown. If you achieve all of your goals, do you then feel satisfied and grown up? I doubt it.

Someday when my future kids are old enough, I will probably warn them of the dangers of idealizing adulthood. I don’t want to discourage them by saying, “You are so lucky! Just wait until you’re an adult. Then you’ll see how hard life is.” No, I do not want to be a downer. But I do want to be real and I want my kids to know that life is hard work and is what you make of it. I just hope that I’m a good example of that and can live my life to the fullest. I hope I can help them from making the same mistakes I did. I know that God is with me and if I let Him work in me, then I’ll have the best life possible...better than I could have chosen for myself.

From us both,
Love, etc.
xx

All roads lead to Rome...

Do you ever wonder sometimes in life whether you've ever strayed too far from the path allotted to you?

When something seems to good to be true and you follow it then it all goes wrong, does it ever make you question whether it really had been too good to be true and you weren't meant to be doing it at all?

Something I've learn in the last few weeks is that things are nearly always too good to be true. There's nearly always a catch. But its what you decide to do when faced with that catch that matters I think. Everyone over-idealises situations in their lives, but it takes real guts to face up and admit that its not what you thought but that you'll work with it anyway.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always
reach my destination"
James Dean

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. When I said all roads lead to Rome, what I really meant was all roads lead to mixing sound for Last Night of the Proms. Somehow.

xx

Coffee & Chat (part 6)

I always thought turning the other cheek was a lesson about humility and submission. Turns out its not. Not really.

Turns out that if someone is struck with the back of the hand puts them in their place as a servant, but if you turn the other cheek, that forces the person to strike you with the flat of their hand, the move of a fair fight, which places you as their equal. If someone demanded your cloak and you gave them your undergarments too, they would be causing you to be naked, which was one of the biggest taboos of the time and put them firmly in the wrong for asking it of you.

And as for going the extra mile?? Did you know that Roman centurions were allowed to make the local peasants carry their packs while they marched? But that if the peasants passed out/collapsed whilst doing so, the Centurion would be court marshalled??

Its amazing how fresh a perspective can be brought to a situation through an understanding shoulder to cry on, a cup of coffee and some tlc

love, etc.
xx

No Regrets (a.k.a. Time Flies When You're Having Fun)

And once again, my blog becomes cliche central!! With good reason today though - I only realised when the mothership pointed it out that I left Egham 5 months ago. Somehow, its May. HOW?! HOW IS IT MAY!! THAT MEANS ITS ALMOST JUNE WHICH IS HALF A FLIPPING YEAR!!

What have I done in the last 5 months? And how has it gone so fast? And why am I not prouder of myself that I'm successfully standing on my own two feet (away from Egham) starting a new life for myself (more or less away from Egham)?!

I have never been surer of anything in my life than I was that leaving Egham at Christmas was the right thing for me to do. Its rare for me to feel called to do something (it means God is shouting REALLY loud) but ohmigosh was I scared. To leave the place that I'd called home for 4 years, and to make that decision in a matter of days. Scared doesn't really begin to describe it - I had nothing to leave for apart from a feeling, and an awful lot to stay for, including a job, somewhere to leave and my life there.

The last time I was making a hugely life-changing move that I was resisting very much (Petersfield to Egham) (ironic I know that the reverse was then so hard!), I was given a very good piece of advice - look back, but never turn back. I know that when I go back to Egham (yes, when) (as if that was ever in doubt!) I won't be an English student who does sound in her spare time. I'll be a Sound Engineer. I'll be an adult. I'll have a different place in the same ever-growing, ever-loving family that I left behind me 5 months ago. I'll still be me, I'll just be a different me.

I might not be Laura Robins though...

love, etc.
xx

Just incase I was in any doubt...

I've spent a lot of time doubting this last week. Not so much "any doubt" as "an awful lot of doubt that occasionally flickers in to certainty" (and not in a good way) And its mostly my own fault.

*backtrack* On my first day, I almost quit. 10 minutes in, I had so much on my plate that I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry What I didn't share at the time was the reasons why I didn't (apart from good old-fashioned pig-headedness and refusing to be beaten by something so mundane as not having the faintest clue about how to do anything I'd been asked to do)

*present day* for future reference, I spend a lot of my time (well, a little bit of my time) sitting in the foyer feeling exhausted and trying to blend in and look like I'm working really hard (which rarely, if ever, works, as sitting and doing nothing is not a part of my job description...)

*backtrack* so I'm sitting there on my first day wondering what on God's green earth I've got myself in to when some random guy walks in (on your first day in a new school, there are LOTS of random guys) and introduced himself as the pastor of Petersfield Christian Fellowship & told me that they book out The Studio once a month for a worship meeting and would that be something I'd be interested in working on. Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 1.

*still backtracked but forward a little* to the first day of the easter holidays. Having gone through The Studio diary and realised just how many (few) free weekends I had this term to see The Drummer and just how heavy all the set seems to be, I was starting to have another major wobble. When the guy I'm taking over from ups and comes out as a Christian, leading to a long conversation about how to manage the job AND still get to church on a Sunday (answer...with some difficulty, careful arrangement and overcoming the tiredness to go out again after you're at home on the sofa) Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 2.

*present day -2* with a very tired quite unhappy Beautiful Intellectual after a rehearsal where nothing had gone right, the lights were all over the place and The Boss had gotten mildly irate that we opened in 2 days and had still not done a full run-through of the play yet. I had a very long very tearful conversation with The Drummer when I got home where I was wondering how much longer I could cope with the job and he was trying to persuade me not to quit. He asked what had happened to all the confidence I'd had over the Affirmations That I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All, and that just upset me even more because I hadn't felt I'd had any in so long. I had a little grumpy "well I wish I could have some more" strop, stamped my foot a bit, and went to bed.

*present day -1* Literal staggered in to school. Seriously lacking the energy to place one foot in front of the other, let alone put in a full days work then have a Dress Rehearsal. Fired off a few txts to The Gang, not expecting a huge amount other than sympathetic noises (which was really what I was after) and instead got informed that they were having a day of prayer and would be praying for me all day. Yesterday, nothing could go wrong. The Dress Rehearsal ran (from my point of view) like a dream and I didn't feel so tired or so emotional (and if you don't believe me, just ask The Drummer. I was *definitely* in a good mood last night) It hit me like a hard-hitting thing (WHAT?! I've worked 112 hours in 10 days with no time off. Give a girl a break for not coming up with a more creative simile!) that that was Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 3 - when I remembered to ask for prayer, God stepped in again.

It reminded me of something Mrs Shep always tells me - prayer works, but only if you pray. And just incase I needed reminding, today I got Affirmations 4, 5, 6 and 7 (The Drummer,'s patience and love and encouragement for me when I was having a pre-show meltdown, a perfect first run with the lighting, Little Miss Dance sorting out the slideshow for the event immediately following the matinee and a fantastic site team who totally picked up the pieces from my *small* error (setting of the fire alarms all around the site with the smoke machine) with no problems)

Four in a day. In case I needed reminding that all I need to do is ask.

Love, etc.
xx

A mixed bag

I'm so tired today I can barely tell which way is up, let alone what day of the week it is. And even at the times that my brain registers it's Thursday, there's no point in thinking about the weekend, as such a phenomena does not appear in my diary now until the end of May. I don't think I need to have another Pollyanna Day, as even when I'm flicking through my diary bemoaning how full it is, the Drummer's visits are highlighted in bright yellow & jump out of the business to make me smile.

That hectic busyness means that, yes, I'm totally and utterly exhausted 4 days in to term - as if starting work wasn't enough, on my second day in the job, I had to direct lighting at Portsmouth Guildhall for Rock Challenge, which meant a 7am departure from school and a midnight return to Petersfield. BUT. It meant that I got to direct lighting AT PORTSMOUTH GUILDHALL. On my SECOND DAY IN THE JOB.

That hectic busyness means that I seriously feel like I'm neglecting my friends, I feel cut off from Egham and, when I'm having a serious pity party, I feel neglected and like no-one is even missing me. BUT. The hectic busyness means that the days are flying by. I'm learning TONNES and each gig I get offered is more exciting than the last (slight lie there because nothing has yet beaten Rock Challenge, but that was pretty much a one off) (apart from when I get to do it again at the Southern Finals at the end of May) (and again at the Sheffield Arena at the beginning of July if we place in the top 6 in the Southern Finals) (Yes, directing lighting at the SHEFFIELD ARENA at the end of my first term. Yes)

That hectic busyness means that the Drummer is getting quite a lame deal of a girlfriend at the moment. Today he called me at lunchtime "just to hear my voice while I was awake," because all I've done for the last 5 nights is fall asleep on the phone to him. Literally (which has apparently made for some very interesting conversations that I have no recollection of...) (I totally get my own back every morning though while I GET TO WORK at 0745 and then call him to WAKE HIM UP. Yes. Exactly) The lame deal extends to having to sit and watch while I pack down the set when he's come to spend the weekend after a show week...the lame deal extends to a lot of "I miss your face/hugs/voice txts...the lame deal extends to him being almost as sleepy as me as he sits up waiting for me to get to bed and call him just so he knows I got home ok. But he gets to see me grow and thrive in a job we both know I was made for and was called to do. So he's ok with that.

As am I.

Love, etc.
xx

Organisation

I got asked the other day how I manage to juggle work & a social life in Hampshire with a social life in Surrey along with a boyfriend and a small but growing freelance career in both counties.

Answer?? Bang goes the social life. The boyfriend is getting increasingly used to seeing me sleep since by the time I get to him I'm normally shattered.

Sensible answer?? Like this:

My life is split across that stack, and calls on my best OCD tendencies to make sure nothing overlaps and clashes and that nothing gets missed. At any one time, making plans involves at least 2 of the above, if not more, with my PDA (mostly home & freelance use) and Work Daily Planner (obviously Work) being the 2 most essential items. If I lost either, I think the world would end. Its not a chance I'm willing to take! But then my jotter is always within a few feet of me to scribble down things I need to do, blog ideas, shopping lists, adresses and phone numbers etc, and my freelance book & work notebooks are never far behind incase the phone rings with bookings and/or changes of plan. So really, all 5 are never far from my grasp.

Sanity, however, is retreating rapidly. And I'd quite like it back! Routine, feel free to emerge, any time you feel good and ready. I'm waiting for you.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. you know you've MADE IT in my life when you're a social arrangement highlighted in yellow in my work planner because you are immovable. Aren't you the special ones!!

Family Matters

Yesterday I had the loveliest day - lunch with my big sister, hot chocolate with my mum and a quick chat with dad about how his morning show had been while he fixed her computer, then cooked dinner with my little sister & had family film night with mum & dad and my little brother and said sister.

And the best thing about all of it?? Not one of them is actually related to me. My big sister adopted me when she was a finalist and I was a little Fresher dead scared of her and most of the rest of my Alpha group (I believe the bonding moment was the moment where we both collapsed in uncontrolable giggles at her phrase "well that's just a whole nother can of baked beans" Shep got mildly frustrated, and we just laughed more) My hot chocolate mum was one of my babysitting parents until we bceame prayer partners & now I come and go from their house as and when I'm free. The computer-fixing dad isn't married to my hot chocolate mum - he's actually one half of my original university parents who took me under their wing during my first year, feeding me and lending me their very gorgeous little ones whenever I wanted to play on the swings. And as for Mum, Dad and my little brother & sister - they've become my second family in the last eighteen months.

And where did I get all these extra family members from?? You've heard me say on here before that St Johns chanaged my life. These people adopted me and haven't looked back since. They've taught me a lot about myself and the world; they've looked after me and built me up and taught me to stand on my own two feet; they've given me love and support so totally above and beyond friendship.

They are truly the embodiment of the ideal church. One of my friends is struggling at the moment with the concept of church - feeling on the outskirts; not being looked after; not seeing the lauded ideal of "the family of Christ" and everytime we talk about it, I realise how lucky I am to have fallen so hard and so solidly on my feet that I have a home away from home & second third and fourth families to look after me.

There is a verse that goes something like,

"in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others"

Romans 12v5

I want to make people feel that welcome - I have work to do with some people, lots of work to do with others. But we're all called to work that out in our lives, so I've realised its about time I did.

Join me?? Because family matters.

Love, etc.

xx

I saw this..

So a few years ago (possibly a good few years ago) the Royal Mail ran an ad campaign around the idea of "I saw this and thought of you" Obviously you were to then send said thing to said person via Royal Mail. The cynic in me saw this for what it was - a blatant plug to get more revnue for the Royal mail as email and other forms of virtual communication were on the increase. However, the increasingly (vomit-inducing) soppy side of me actually loves the idea. How many times a day do you see something that makes you think about someone, or reminds you of a situation with a person, or a memory of a certain time? Answer - often. Daily. More than daily. Very regularly at least.

Yesterday alone I had the following:

• reading a magazine to be confronted with a double-page spread of turquoise dresses and accessories that made me think of Blue Eyes.
• playing Top Golf with The Drummer & being reminded of going to play this time last year with my Littlest One & the now infamous "BUT THAT'S NOT MY BALL" incident.
• Watching Family Guy and hearing someone pity the fool, Mr T style & feeling the need to txt (soon to be) Mr Bean & remind him of our afternoon of bonding while he got his (Mr T) outfit for Bean's 21st.

and I'm sure there were many more.

BUT. How often do you then do something about it? It doesn't have to be to send the thing to the person, but to acknowledge it in some way? A txt. A message. Opening your mouth and telling them. Its not that difficult to make the effort & make them smile. And it might just make their day.

Love, etc.

xx

Annnnd relax...

Last weekend, The Drummer took me home to meet his parents. I have to admit, I was utterly TERRIFIED at this prospect, despite all his reassurances that they would love me, if only because he did, let alone any other reason. He very nearly had to drag me out the car when we got there, but within literally minutes of arriving, I was curled up on the sofa teasing him about how proud he'd been introducing me to his parents (seriously...was so CUTE!)

Mummy J & Daddy J couldn't have been more welcoming or put me more at my ease & I don't think they could have spoilt the two of us much more than they did, both with the amount of time they spent with us and with the FOOD! Bacon & Pancakes for breakfast, a HUGE chinese takeaway for dinner (with the MOTHER of all Pancake rolls) and a truly delicious roast on Sunday. OH, and an Easter Egg each to bring home with us. They could not have loved on us any more if they had tried!!

It was an amazing weekend, not just because of the welcome I received, but also because of this:

and this:

Weymouth is a beautiful place. and I seriously cannot wait to go back and spend some more time there. The weekend was SO relaxing - totally stress-free & so peaceful. I didn't go near a computer once, and left my phone at the house for the whole time, mostly turned off. It was a total retreat from my crazybusy life and was SO good for me!!

I will return. I *will*.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Mummy J & Daddy J - this one's for you
xx

Working Girl.

10 months of unemployment sure does stew your brain cells. A challenge 2 months ago used to consist of rewriting my CV to tie-in with any given job spec three or four times a day. A challenge now means "here's a lighting plan from Debs (who's on maternity leave) can you rig it for me. Oh, and Rock Challenge is on the second day of next term - can you start work on a lighting plan for that. And get the diary dates for Place of the Pigs in your planner because that needs to be rigged at the end of the first week of term" And that was just my first five minutes on my first day (I kid you not...I've never felt more like curling up in a ball and sobbing than I did after that "induction meeting")

Hitting the ground running understates what is looking like a marathon between now and half-term. Now and the summer really, as my diary is full right up until then, culminating in my first "outside broadcast" in the last week of term. I swing between thinking I'm absolutely crazy for thinking I can do this job and being so very very excited every time I open the doors and see *my* theatre.

There have been many panicked messages to The Drummer & frequent questioning of Sound Man & RJ as to whether the wanting to curl up in a ball & cry/crawl into a hole & give up/hibernate will go away, but each and every time I've been met with an overwhelming response. Sometimes (mostly) earthly - a well-timed txt, or our lovely caretaker making LUSH chocolate cake & leaving it in the staff room, or finding the right person on site to answer my question, but at the times I've been panicking worst, God has turned round and just smacked me right back into place. These instances include being introduced to the pastor of a local church who meet in the theatre once a month right at the time I was txting The Drummer wondering whether I'd made a mistake accepting the job, or chatting to the guy I'm taking over from about the anti-social hours, getting upset and changing the topic to just passing the time of day and discovering he's a Christian & then getting an opportunity to chat about juggling the work and going to church. Its made me realise all over again that God won't be giving me more than I can handle (but that, since its me, its more than possible I'm severely underestimating myself)

A day at a time, as I do more things and realise that a) I do know what I'm doing for most of it and b) what I don't know, I can quickly learn, I'm calming down, relaxing slightly, and even today, for the first time, enjoying it.

Maybe by next Easter, I'll have settled down!!

Love, etc.
xx