I am what I am

I am what I am

I am my own special creation.

So come take a look,

Give me the hook or the ovation.

It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,

My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn,

'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."

from "Les Cage aux Folles"

I've realised recently how competitive life can be. Literally everywhere there are people competing to out-do each other - to lose the most weight, to earn the most money, to have the best clothes, to get the best degree results, to be the best singer, to be the best most best, and the worst thing about it - it seems to now be ok to be overtly open with your methods of proof. To make sure that everyone knows that you are the best at or have the most X, Y or Z and to be seen to be at the very tippiest top of whatever heap you've crushed under you on the way up.

I can only speak for myself when I say - being content with what you have is the only way to be peaceful with who you are. Obviously there are practicalities...a little more money each month would be lovely (particularly given the STONKING car bill the garage presented us with this afternoon) but then, how much more is enough? If you have more, you want more. And so on, and so on. Winning these competitions will never make you content enough. Competing is not healthy. Competing doesn't make you happy. Competing doesn't make you complete.

I'm not going to lie: I used to be up there competing with the best of them. Look at me, look at my grades, look at this, look at that. But then I realised there's much more to life than material things. People's adoration is temporary at best. "Stuff" is not the be all and end all of life. What matters is the things that last. What matters is that I have integrity and can stand before my friends and my God with no guilt. To be happy with who I am and what I do.

And I can do that. Come join me...

Love, etc.

xx

Spoilt

So with The Drummer in Milan this week, I have, in part, reverted to my single student ways - staying up until 2am doing nothing at all online, going on epic shopping days, and drinking copious amounts of wine at girly sleepovers to name but a few.

It was at one of these such sleepovers that I realised quite how spoilt I really am. When he gets home tomorrow, The Drummer will have been away for just over 5 days. Five evenings of no cuddles; five nights of not seeing him; five nights of snatched phonecalls because it costs too much to pass the time of day like we normally would. Just five. My Littlest One had me over on Monday, fed me lasagne and gave me wine, all because she knew I'd be sad at not seeing The Drummer. The one person amongst my friends who has the best excuse to turn round and tell me to man up looked after me and loved me and didn't laugh at me in my spoiltness. She sees her boyfriend maybe three times A TERM. In the 6 years they've been together, they've spent maybe a total of 18 months actually in each others company since leaving school. And I was sobbing over 5 days. I really need to man up.

I'm spoilt rotten seeing him every day. I know that. Doesn't mean I'm not counting the hours until his plane lands tomorrow though.

Love, etc.

xx

How to tell you're really not ready...

I love children. Love them. I babysat enough at university that I didn't need to get a job. Day or night, I'm pretty much guaranteed to say yes if asked to babysit. This week, a friend's nanny was away on holiday so I covered the afternoon school run and filled the gap until dinner when the parents returned.

One of the days was music lesson day, and, being more than used to swimming lesson day for this particular family, I thought I had it covered. Got them all from various schools; got them to the lesson on time; even got them toileted and sitting down quietly.

What I didn't bank on (since I normally fed them before swimming) was a very tired, cranky child post-music lesson. What I definitely didn't bank on was the Mummy Mafia judging me when I had to raise my voice to get the bookbag and coat picked up - all the eyes of the mothers from the class that had just finished and all the mothers waiting for the next class. Waiting and watching to see who would back down first. Whispering. Judging. They weren't even my children and I felt inadequate.

All broodiness aside, I'm not ready for feeling that everytime I go out. I'm not ready to be a mum. I'll stick to giving them back at the end of the day for the moment.

Love, etc.

xx

Oh, and for all of you wondering...he lost. I sat back down and told him that we'd wait until he picked them up, even it that took an hour. It took 10 seconds for him to look at my face and realise I was serious, and another 5 for him to pick them up.

Anticipation

People say a lot of the joy of something is in the anticipation. The waiting, the hoping, the dreaming. I'm anticipating many MANY things this year, not least my honeymoon. The very fact that I can go on holiday with The Drummer - something we made a decision not to do at all until after we were married, makes me so unbelievably happy. That he's taking me to my favourite city that I get to introduce him to. That he's taking me to my favourite hotel in said city. That I get to spend every minute, awake and asleep with him.

During the course of our relationship, we've often discussed and re-discussed our choice. There have been opportunities and temptations to change our minds, to take the nice, easy choice and go, but every time one of us reminds the other of our reasons for making the decision in the first place. The choices we've made back up our beliefs, and give no-one cause to doubt or question us. Denying ourselves the treat of going away together leaves our integrity as a Christian couple intact and without blemish. And it makes the anticipation of July even more special.

It's going to be the best holiday ever. If they ever get my flipping passport sorted out...

Love, etc.

xx

Giving it some thought

In today's instant society, it can be all too easy to buy first and think later. To think that you need something and buy it without a second thought. Definitely no consideration of what message you're sending out by owning such and such, and certainly no thought for who is benefiting from your purchase.

I'm probably just as guilty of this as the next person (ironically this thought struck me when I was reading Marie "perfect body at high cost" Claire, of all things) but seeing the latest GHD advert, it really struck me again. I've always been more than a little uncomfortable with the GHD advertising premise of the Seven Deadly Sins, and personally, have never chosen to subscribe to that marketing campaign by buying any. Their latest is to assign colors to each of the seven deadly signs - red lust, green envy and the like with suitably seductively posed models. The colors are the marketing gimmick to pull people in, without necessarily realising what they are supporting with their purchase.

What do your choices say about you?

Love, etc.

xx

Spontaneity

Life at the moment doesn't tend to leave time for spontaneity. (Or for blogging for that matter!) An endless whirl of seeing friends and family. Planning X, Y and Z for the wedding. Moving house three times. Babysitting. Finishing an old job and doing preparatory work for a new one. Going to the gym. Eating. Sleeping.

Tonight we decided we wanted to go on a road trip to find some dinner. At quarter to eleven at night. The Burger King will have done no good for my diet, and the late night will have done me no good for my energy levels come the morning, but that half an hour spent driving through Windsor Great Park listening to Dream Theatre at full blast? The best thirty minutes I've had in a very very long time.

Spontaneity. Underrated.

Love, etc.

xx

Another angle

Because The Drummer is fabulous, he got me front row seats for Les Miserables for my birthday, which meant I spent my birthday night just feet away from the orchestra, the stage, the lights and the sound equipment (and the cast of FABULOUS musicians who make up my favourite musical of all time ever, obviously)

Geekery aside, I do love this show very much, the music is so amazingly varied and always sung faultlessly by whomever happens to be playing the role each time I see it - even though its never the same, each actor brings their own slant to the role. And I can never NEVER have enough of beautiful tenor voices singing in close harmony. Shivers down the spine doesn't begin to describe the magic of being surrounded by so much beautiful music.

However, seeing as how I can never put my geekery totally to one side, even when lost in the magic of Les Mis, I found myself noticing little things - how Marius climbed the gate too quickly and had to wait a couple of seconds until it had rotated fully in to the light before he delivered his line; how the the drummer in the orchestra wasn't quite as close to the floor as he thought and dropped his sticks when he was trying to put them down during a quick change; how utterly seamless and invisible the scene changes all were - you saw the stagehands ONCE when they had to move a table with candles on it. Other than that, you saw absolutely nothing. The lighting was so clever; the staging so well thought out. And every night it is that flawless. The backstage and technical staff are so precisely trained so that their work is of a level with that of the actors - everything comes together night after night to deliver an amazing production. The standing ovation it receives each night is testament to that.

The perfection and attention to detail made me realise that, in many ways, my old boss had simply been trying to produce the absolutely best show all round that he could each time we opened the theatre. Essentially, his heart was in the right place to get The Studio the best name and reputation and profile it could have. To give the actors the closest to a professional experience that they could get outside a real theatre. To raise the profile of drama and technical theatre within the curriculum and the school as a whole. He certainly didn't go about it in the right way, but I can see how that, in his way, he was simply trying to do his job to the best standard he could possibly deliver. He wasn't right, but now I can see that he wasn't as wrong as my mind made him be.

The night I got the job, I wrote that I knew there was a plan for my time there. Tuesday night went some way to healing the damage that forgetting about that certainty of a plan for the subsequent three months while I was working there. I'm still hurt and angry about my time there. There are still some things that need healing, and that will take time, but sat in a theatre for the first time since leaving my job, I realised I'll never be prouder of a piece of work than when the curtain closed after my first show. People sat and watched *my* work, appreciated *my* artistry, acknowledged *my* skills. And I don't do that to myself enough.

Love, etc.

xx

Hot Coals and Grace

Being graceful when all you want to do is smack someone is really hard. When all you want to do is shout at them, being graceful is SO hard. Smiling. Laughing. Being normal. Acting as if they haven't gotten to you. Trying to understand where they're coming from and why they act the way they do. Loving them like Jesus would.

Knowing its what you should be doing doesn't make it any easier though. Knowing its what you should do as a Christian. Knowing how lucky you are and realising what they don't have. Counting your blessings and sharing what you have with them. Loving them like Jesus would.

Forgiving them. Starting each day fresh. Not holding grudges. Praying for them. Realising how liberating that is. And wondering why you've never done it before.

Love, etc.

xx

Making Bread

An off-the-cuff comment this morning during the sermon this morning about the widow using a Kenwood mixer instead of making the bread by hand struck me in a way nothing has from the pulpit for quite some time.

In leafy Surrey, breadmakers are quite the thing to have. Home-made fresh bread gracing your table is a statement about your lifestyle, and now breadmakers give even the fullest of full-time workers that little extra homely touch with ease. No more hours kneading the bread mix and waiting for the yeast to rise; just bread in your hands an hour later. You can even get the bread mix pre-mixed - no need to even measure out the ingredients.

And it got me to thinking -a relationship with God is more than a little like making bread. Today's Christian society seems to have fallen into a "breadmaker" sitting, listening, taking rut - we go to church as the bread mix, and have everything mixed up for us at a minimum of personal effort and then expect the end product to be as satisfying as others tell them it is. It works, but how beneficial is it? A child will never learn a basic fact of human life by watching mummy fill up the breadmaker - they'll learn by getting their hands dirty and experiencing step by step the process of making bread. I for one never want to be in a position of saying to someone searching for Christ that "it just is" or "that's just what happens" because I don't have any experience to share with them.

When did society start telling us that the simplest, easiest way was the best? And when did we, as Christians, start accepting that that was true?

I think its time we got our mixing bowls out.

Love, etc.

xx

Open Your Eyes

I didn't even realise until Saturday that I have a side of the train. At least, I'd rather that as an excuse than I've been living here for four years and getting the train to town most weeks without even SEEING half the scenery that flies past the window. I missed artwork, I missed parks, I missed the most beautiful stately home, which gobsmacked me.

What else have I been doing for four years and just not seeing things how they really are? What else have I been missing for even longer?

What have YOU been missing?

Love, etc.

xx

Clarification

Since getting engaged, The Drummer and I have been subject to a lot of opinions. Most of them welcome; nearly all of them truly excited for us; but some, unfortunately were not. Some people felt the need to tell me I was making a mistake, rushing in to things, settling for what I had, butting in where they had no right to be making comment.

To those that have watched us grow together as a couple, our engagement came as no surprise. They can see what we know - that we are perfect together. We were made for each other - I am his Spare Rib -I was made, ultimately, to be The Drummer's Wife. That was a huge part of what has been ordained for me and for my life, so why would I want to delay that? Why would I not want to start fulfilling my Promise now for the rest of my life? Maybe some people don't feel that; some people aren't sure after a year, so for them, waiting is the right thing. I can speak only for myself in saying that I'm sure.

I'm also sure that I'm not settling. I settled for the last guy I "dated" and boy did that mess me up. I spent a vast amount of time worrying that I would have to "settle" for the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I worried that I would have to "settle" for the father of my children. I worried that nobody would ever want to "settle" for me. And Someone changed all that. I was given The Drummer to show me that I *am* worth something far more than I ever could think of myself. To show me that settling is stupid - The Drummer is so much more than I could have ever hoped for or dreamed of. Settling leads dangerously to complacency. With The Drummer, I am striving every day to stay worthy of the love he gives me.

We are the first to acknowledge that we would be nothing without our God. Without Him, we wouldn't have been at St Johns. Without Him, we wouldn't have done Mosaic. Without Him, we wouldn't be together. He is the reason we are who we are, together, and apart, and it is in front of Him that we are making our vows.

A chord of three strands isn't easily broken, no matter how hard anyone wants to try.

Love, etc.

xx

Diamonds and things

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure"

Its not just because I have one permanently attached to my left ring-finger that this quote spoke volumes to me the other day, although it is symbolic of my perfect ending to the dating chapter of my life.

Heat and pressure turn coal into diamond. Extreme heat and pressure. When you think about a diamond like that, it makes you realise that sometimes, the heat and the pressure can turn out something even better than the original material it was working with.

I sometimes wonder if they people applying the pressure would do so if they knew what the end result might be.

Love, etc.

xx

Waves

Because I'm a little bit of a physics nerd, I know a little bit about waves. I spent four hours last night watching them when I should have been dancing with an *extremely* attractive-in-his-tux Drummer at Mrs Daniel's Birthday Party. Officially. A. Geek. But it did make me think. Because I know a little about waves, I could see how they were going to affect the boat. I could tell the big bolshy Thames Clipper that kept accelerating and cutting across to cause as much wash as they could would rock the boat and I might want to hold on to something; the little tugs that pootled past caused nothing more than a gentle bob; the incoming tide merely a gentle up and down motion that, after many years of sailing with my parents and now with The Drummer and his parents, merely left me with a slight swaying sensation that was still present when I got home and went to bed.

As I watched the lights of London drift past, I got to thinking about how life comes in waves. Sometimes you see them coming, and can prepare by holding on. Sometimes the knowledge of how the wave is going to affect you can help you deal with them. Sometimes you just don't see them coming at all because you're too busy.

Last night's too busy ended up with an undignified stumble into The Drummers watchful arms. We might not all be so lucky all the time to have someone to catch us from the waves.

Love, etc.

xx

The best so far...

In many ways, the most horrendous. In the ways that matter, the best so far (compare here and here if you don't believe me!!)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Got my pink driving licence of DREAMS. Got engaged.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2010? I wrote that I wanted to end 2009 "happy with who I am and content with myself" I'm not overly sure that I achieved that - I'm still definitely not my biggest fan, but I'm getting better. More of the same for 2010 I think.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Profound Admirer had her little baby boy, and The Drummer's work colleagues baby made us both horrendously broody. But all in good time.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully not.

5. What countries did you visit? Miss Africa & I started the first of many "Girls on Tour" city breaks with a return to Roma :D

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? I genuinely can't think of anything!! I'm looking forward to having a husband and living full-time for real in Egham :)

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
17th January - getting together with The Drummer
23rd December - getting engaged to The Drummer

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Going back to work after TPS.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being able to stay at the Job of Dreams once it got horrendous (although having recently discovered that they've since lost another technician, I don't feel quite as much of a failure)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Swine Flu. And some stress.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Rediscovering leggings has drastically altered my wardrobe. And I have three different bags of dreams. Good times.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The Drummer just because. He was my utter rock through everything this year, holding my hand as I learnt various lessons, and always being there. I love him.
My various mums & dads, particularly my second family Chez Holloway

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Its sad that this answer has been the same for the last three years. Maybe 2010 is the year to finally let this one go. Friends are for seasons, and this one is over.

14. Where did most of your money go? South West Trains.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Angels & Demons, Harry Potter 6, Cattle Grid, seeing Bill Bailey at the O2, going back to Rome, moving back to Egham :)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2009? Dizzee Rascal "Dance Wiv Me" and Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow" for the gang, "Omen" by Prodigy and Lady Gaga's "PokerFace" reminding me of Rock Challenge, and Ben Harper "Beloved One" and Snow Patrol "Chasing Cars" for my man

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier. Very very much so :)
b) Thinner or fatter? Much fatter, sadly. Wii Fit has been ordered - I have a wedding dress to slim down for!!
c) Richer or poorer? Richer, actually. Hello full-time job!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Again, I can safely say that I have no regrets about this year. That is good enough for me.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Its probably going to involve food/wine consumption. How sad!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Missing The Drummer horrendously, but very much enjoying sparkling my ring at anyone who cared (and a lot who didn't) and playing with my new laptop. I've certainly had worse ones!!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Totally and utterly head over heels.

22. What was your favourite TV program? Same old same old. Apprentice and Strictly. I am a creature of habit! I also introduced The Drummer to The West Wing, and we revived his Star Trek and X-Files collections.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. If the happiness of my life inspires such vitriol and immaturity in other people's actions, then I should be feeling pity, not hate.

25. What was the best book you read? Does the entire Penny Vincenzi catalogue count? Or a revival of Patricia Cornwell? I'm not sure they count as "books" really...

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Count of Tuscany by Dream Theatre

27. What did you want and get? The man of my dreams, and a sparkly diamond ring

28. What did you want and not get? I genuinely can't think of anything! This worries me - clearly I'm not grown up to the point of realising that the things I wanted and didn't get are for my own good, and thus shouldn't be wished for again (yes, this concerns me!)

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Angels & Demons. Without doubt.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 22 and I got a job. Good times.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A certain Boss of Doom falling under a bus. Preferably at my fair hand.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I have no idea. But The Drummer seems to like it.

33. What kept you sane? The Godfather. Every year its the same - I mess up, I tell him, he laughs, he makes it better. And my Drummer. I couldn't do it without him.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I'm still Anton's biggest fan, even if he is a bit of a div.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I could care less about politics. I really could.

36. Who did you miss? Apart from the vomit-inducing obvious answer of "The Drummer" I think it would have to be Kristen (still) and Ria and Hen when they ran away to Spain.

37. Who was the best new person you met? It would be impossible to chose between Ed, Rob and my future in-laws.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: that I'm a lot stronger and a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. Also that a lot of people in the world are out for themselves with no thought for others - I'm too trusting.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Your eyes shine through me
You are so divine to me
Your heart has a home in mine
We won't have to say a word
With a touch all shall be heard
When I search my heart it's you I find

Despite the job, despite everything that came after it, despite it being officially the worst few months I've ever lived through, I still consider this year to have been the best. I found my soul mate (or at least, he found me and I realised what I was almost missing) and now he wants me to be his wife. As reasons for being happy go, that's one of the best.

Love, etc.

xx

Never Say Never...

So when I was little, my mum told me that I should never say never to God, because He would see it as a challenge to make me grow. I seriously spent my childhood deliberately never saying anything like "I'll never be a missionary" and "I'll never live in Africa" just incase.

When the conversation came about one time about what I wanted in a boyfriend, without thinking, I came out with "I'd never date a guy with a beard" and the slightly more convoluted "I could never marry a guy with a double-barrelled surname" (since my IRL first name is also double barrelled) (like Sarah-Jane but not) I wasn't entirely negative though, as I also made sure everyone knew that he had to be able to wear a blue wool coat and look good in it.

Near enough a year to the day after that conversation, God gave me the best way I could ever think of for never saying never again...

Love, etc.

xxx

Random Acts of Kindness

"we make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give"

Winston Churchill

After deciding on my blog title, I googled "Random Acts of Kindness" Twenty minutes later I was still sitting watching the quotes scroll round on their home page. Possibly THE simplest idea ever created by a human being, I love the premise - perform one act of random kindness a day.

I've seen so many examples - the traditional things like paying for the person behind you at the drive through, or for someone else's dinner in the restaurant; little things, like post-it notes on mirrors or notes in someone's pigeon hole; bigger things, like the guy who not only helped us get our suitcases on the train in Rome but who went and got a luggage trolley and actively came and found us when we got to the airport, or like the person I saw the other day scraping their next door neighbours windscreen free of ice before driving off.

Random Acts of Kindness always makes me think of one lady at my church who's ministry really could be random acts of kindness. She is ALWAYS smiling, and always so glad to see her friends and check up on them and make them smile in turn. Even her Facebook life makes people smile - her profile picture is a dancing Little Miss Sunshine, and her presence on everyone's pages - commenting on things, sharing good times and celebrating achievements - cheers people immeasurably when they see it. Little things really do mean a lot.

"The wind is real, but you can't see the wind - you can only see the leave rustling in the trees.

Pain is real, but you can't see pain, you only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see

happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face"

7th Heaven

For me, seeing that smile is enough.

Love, etc.

xx

The Lighthouse

This weekend just gone was another epic "first" of my life. After many trips to Weymouth, I'd never yet managed to see the lighthouse lit up after dark - we were always on the wrong side of the bay, or just plain in the wrong place. I've read Anne's House of Dreams; I've been to Montauk Point; I've been up Portland Bill each time I've visited The Drummer's parents, but in my twenty-three years, I've never seen a lighthouse lit up after dark.

After a little persuasion this weekend, The Drummer ventured out with me to the top of Portland Bill and we were greeted with the most amazing sight - in the pitch black, eight beams of light, rotating round and round, each one lighting up the hazards and shining far out to sea, warning the ships of the danger. The bill was so stormy that we couldn't even get out the car, but the sheer majesty of the lighthouse; the elegance of the beams of light; the safety is was bringing to the people out at sea - it was one of the most moving, humbling experiences I've ever had.

No matter how small or insignificant you're feeling, there's always something bigger than you out there to show you the way.

Love, etc.

xx

Castles In The Air

"Wouldn't it be fun if all the castles in the air which we make could come true, and

we could live in them?"

Jo, Little Women

When I was a little girl, if I was very poorly or very sad, I was allowed to curl up on the sofa under the blue and white stripey duvet and watch videos. If I was ill for longer than a day, I would watch Little Women (the first day of any illness being taken up with Narnia) (and we're talking BBC 1980s here, none of this new film malarky) and so it has always been well up there in my favourite stories of all time ever. Depending on the time of day/wind direction/color of their dresses, I would variously want to be each of the girls, but what never changed was my love of the idea of castles in the air. Everyone has castles in the air - we all have our dreams and wants and desires, and we all want them to come true.

When I was little, I used to agree with Jo, but now I'm not so sure. I've gone through times where I've thought I've known what I wanted and been impatient for my castle to become reality. Patience is not an overly well-developed virtue of mine, but sometimes, the castles are waiting or changing for good reasons.

I'm glad that a lot of my castles haven't come true. I'm even gladder that the special ones have.

Love, etc.

xx

Ever Mine, Ever Thine, Ever Ours

We all know that Disney films give girls unrealistic expectations about hair. And men. Whilst our hair has become an acceptedly un-winnable daily battle that will never go away, our expectations about men remain unachievably high (since they are, after all, only human)

Growing up on a diet of Disney princesses finding their prince sets the bar very high for the poor darlings that have to compete with Prince Charming on his white horse and in some way maintain that standard every day of a relationship's life. And its not just a case of competing with our childhood Disney Princes. Oh no. Right when a girl is at her most anxy and hormonal, along comes The Notebook. Love Actually. The Holiday. And all the rest of the chick flicks with perfect guys loving in perfect ways.

Now, be under no disillusion - the path to true love doesn't run smooth. We are SO aware of that. Big leaves Carrie at the alter, but we still all want a real life Big to woo us again with love letters and propose on his knees in the end. We all want a Miles to make us fetucchini and sing to us in Blockbuster. We all want to end up in the relationship where our Noah will tell us our story day after day when we're too old to remember.

And I've found it. I'm settled. I'm the luckiest girl alive to have The Drummer loving me and wanting me to be his. I don't need huge soppy displays of his love; I don't need adoring emails and txts; I don't need constant reminders of his love, because I *know* that he loves me. When it comes to it, he celebrates the good stuff, holds me until the bad stuff stops hurting, cries with me when I cry. I don't need anything more. If I'd put together all the best bits of all the films, I still couldn't have come up with a guy better that him, no matter how many times I watch Pride and Prejudice. He's my Darcy. My Big. My Prince Charming.

The love letters though...Big, that was a winner.

Love, etc.

xx

Skip to the end...

When I was little, I used to have an absolutely appalling habit of flicking straight to the back page of a book to see how it ends. I'm getting better at not doing that, although my gosh does it take a lot of self-control not to do that anymore!!

I was reading something the other day and went to flick to the end when the afternoon of my first date with The Drummer popped in to my mind - he'd just acquired Season 7 of Star Trek Voyager and I didn't want to work my way through the previous 6 seasons just to answer my childhood question of how they got home, so begged him to let us watch the last 2 eps. His look of horror as he asked whether I was "the sort of person who did that with books too" made me laugh (and also maybe fear a little for our long-term future**)

He had a point though - going straight to the end might give you the same result as working your way through, but with nowhere near as much knowledge and answers and reasons why. "Just because" is all very well when it comes to Star Trek questions, but I never want to only have "just because" as an answer to a question about my life because I was too busy skipping to the end to enjoy what I have

"Your life is like a book...don't jump to the end to see if its worth it. Just enjoy

life and make those pages filled with beautiful memories"

I have some spaces left. Come fill them with me.

Love, etc.

xx

** this fear disappeared as we were settling down in front of the finale and he asked me whether I'd read the last page of the book of "Us" and whether it was a good one *swoon*

p.s. Ten points for the first person to tell me where the title is a quote from...