I deserve so much better...

Ho hum. Now I've returned from my attempt to run away and avoid the problem, I thought I should probably blog again. For regular readers, what comes next may come as something of a shock. Except for those of you who have had the misfortune to be on the end of a phone or MSN to me in the past two days, because between you, you've said it all anyway. Lulu land has not been the best place to be recently, despite Lovely Day and Lovely Day mark 2, and whilst this isn't necessarily a blog of details (because that wouldn't help the situation at all), it *is* a blog of immense thanks.

I've done a *lot* of realising in the past few days. Realising who my friends really are, realising how much they all care about me, and finally, possbly, maybe, realising how valued I am. Learning that I deserve so much better than I've been getting recently from some friends and the way I've been treated recently says nothing about who I am as a person, but says much more about who my "friends" are. When I say friends, at the moment I use the word in the loosest sense. Or perhaps the past tense. I don't know; I wish I did, because then perhaps it would be easier to deal with.

I find it vaguely ironic that my music right now is God Only Knows by The Beach Boys, coz I know for sure that I couldn't have got through the past few days without certain people, so I'm finding the lyrics for that pretty poignant right now

If you should ever leave me

Well life would still go on believe me

The world could show nothing to me

So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows

I've also found those lyrics have much more meaning in other ways too, namely, God only knows. Now for most people, that's just a saying, but I *know* that God gave me these amazing people around me; its his way of giving me the strength I need to get through each day at the moment. All the time I was at home, I was thinking of a song that I've always loved, but today and for the next few days, will be really special to me:

Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed renewed

Flowing from the grace that I found

In You

Lord I've come to know

The weakness I see in me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle

And I will soar with You

Your Spirit leads me on

By the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes

Let me see You face to face

The knowledge of Your love as You live

In me

Lord renew my mind

As Your will unfolds my life

In living every day

By the power of Your love

Hold me close

Let Your love surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And so, the immense thanks:

- Jo B for sending me the sweetest email that caused me to cry (a lot) when I read it, and for caring about me so much. For being the most amazing sister I never had, and just generally for loving me.

- Sarah N for spending so much time talking to me on Thursday before I left, and for speaking out very bravely in telling me what needed to be said, not what I needed to hear. She's about the only person who can get away with telling it to me that straight, and it worked. Well, it is working. Slowly. But its working.

- Tim for just being Tim. Managing to make me laugh when all I felt like doing was crying, and really, just for caring about me!! For understanding completely my need to leave, and for sending me a message telling me to take care of myself. Which also made me cry, but that's not saying much at the moment.

- Lani for being one of the best friends a girl could have, and for the knowledge that she's there every minute of every day should I need her.

Me running home on Thursday was completely out of character; I don't run from problems, I solve them, but this one is taking some pretty hefty work to solve. I know it's not going to happen over night. There are gonna be good days and bad days, I'm gonna get upset, but I'm also not going to let it ruin the rest of what otherwise has been the most perfect year.

And finally...because I'm listening to it right now and because I need to remember it:

I'm sick, I'm tired of staying in control

Oh yes, I feel a rat upon a wheel

I've got to no what's not and what is real

Oh yes, I'm sorry I digressed

Impressed you're dressed to SOS

Oh, and my parents love me

Oh, and my girlfriends love me

Oh, they keep photos of me

Oh, thats enough love for me