Love is...

I learnt a lot about love this weekend.

Love isn't big expensive gestures. Love isn't being lavished with gifts. Love isn't bunches of flowers, no matter how perfect any or all of the above are.

Love is going out of your way to give my god-daughter a lift to Ashburnham, even though it meant you were caught up so badly in the Friday traffic.

Love is knowing when I need a neck rub to calm me down.

Love is spending your free time doing tech work I should have done to make sure I got some free time too.

Love is sitting in the dark with me when I have a migraine, holding me and rubbing my forehead when that technically broke all the purpling rules.

Love is getting my hot chocolate once I'm upright again because moving hurts my head.

Love is you, Mr Drummer Boy. And I'm so glad you're all mine.

Love, etc.
xx

Problematic

I love being a Sound Engineer. I actually love it - I love music and how it all works together, I love mixing the different instruments together to make it sound good, I love the process of starting with an empty room and ending up with an awesome band blaring out the speakers.

The one thing I don't like about being a Sound Engineer is the stress. Not the stress of an event - that gets my adrenaline going and gives me the kicks to get going and get everything rigged. More the stress that I put myself under. Some of it healthy to make sure that everything is planned & all the kit gets on the van, most of it much less healthy that just ties me up in knots and makes me panic.

This weekend I'm doing a regular gig - I've done it exactly the same before, for the same clients with the same kit in the same venue. I've even got pretty much the same band as before, yet still I ended up in a flat spin yesterday while I was rigging. I could do it in my sleep, yet I still need Shep to dive in and help me before I lost the plot - I stressed myself out totally unnecessarily over something I know I could do. Even the AV side of things (which is still a bit new to me & still fills me with dread when I'm using any system other than that which I've been trained on) is all do-able (once I was provided with a laptop that actually WORKED) but yet I found myself in tears when I was prepping kit yesterday morning because I couldn't at that point see it working. Yet if I'd stopped to think about it logically, there was no need to panic. There were so many other solutions if Plan A hadn't worked. Its just occurred to me that technology is what makes this all so complicated - if the technology doesn't work, then that's that. New plan needed. But without technology, I'd be without a job. That I happen to love very much. So instead of dispensing with technology, I think I'll dispense with the panic. OK?

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunlight

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Love, etc.

xx

I'm so proud!

Today I proudly present (with HUGE thanks to Nessa)...my first blogging award!!


The Rules:

As an award recipient, I am asking you to do the following:

List seven things that you love and then pass the award on to seven bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

So my 7 things...

Music

I love most kinds of music...singing it, playing it, listening to it, mixing it...I love how it all fits together and I *love* the shiver you get down your spine from certain melodies/harmonies. Love it.

GodHe's kind of important in my life. Without Him, I wouldn't have gone to St Johns...the rest is history.

Hugs

I don't think I function properly without my hugs and cuddles. From the kids, from The Drummer. From pretty much anyone really. Its all about the cuddles.

My FriendsAin't that the truth!!

Sound Desks

Because I am officially a geek. But that's my job. So I get to do what I love all day every day. And I don't think it gets much better than that!!

TechnologyIn all its forms, I am a fan. Living away from the majority of my friends (and my boy) I pretty much rely on technology to keep me sane. I am rarely far from an internet connection and never more than a foot away from my phone.

The kids

Babysitting is, without doubt, one of the things I miss most now I'm back home, and seeing them all and getting so many hugs and excited "guess what? guess whats?" everytime I go visit is one of the best things in the world :)

And as for my 7 favourite bloggers...that's kinda tough!! In no particular order now,

* Miss Blue Eyes

* Miss Musing

* Lele

* BlueBelle

* Sarcastiscally Optimistic

* Ariel

* Lily

So there we go. Enjoy your awards ladies, and keep up the good work!!

Coffee & Chat** (part 5)

"Do not mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon"

Lesley Garrett used to annoy the hell out of me, particularly when she got to dance with Mr du Beke every week, so I wasn't best pleased when she started turning up on Loose Women. However, I am totally and utterly converted to her these days - she's actually hilarious and I see a lot of myself in her (i.e. verbal diarrhea, constant hysterical gigling, wildly inappropriate with gorgeous men, constant singing etc) and really respected her today when they were talking about their mottos for life.

Things might feel like they're in a rut right now, but you can't stop once you get to the top of the rut. Once you're up there, there's a new horizon to aim for. Further away than you think is possible, sure, but didn't you think that the top of the rut was impossible just a short time ago??

Love, etc.
xx

**OK, so I was having lunch and they were having coffee & chatting on the tv, but still...
x

Taking my life off hold...

I was reading Miss Blue Eyes' latest blog this morning & thinking about what she said when I realised why I'm quite so excited about having a job - I can finally take my life off hold.

Since I applied for my first job last May, I've been constantly waiting for interviews/call backs/employment offers and not been able to make big plans because of such uncertainty over what I'd be doing when. That uncertainty meant no holidays, however big or small last summer because I didn't know when I may or may not be starting work. That uncertainty meant I couldn't move in with friends last September because money was so short and I didn't know where or when it would next appear. That uncertainty meant I was confined to being within a day's travel of London and/or Egham (I know, totally not that much of a chore to me!) incase I was called for interview.

Suddenly, now I have a job, this has all changed - I can plan trips to the seaside for Easter and daytrips to London over the summer. I'm thinking about Soul Survivor as a very real possibility and definitely planning a trip back to Rome with Miss Africa. I can afford to be spontaneous and go shopping for the day in the sunshine.

Its not about the money, although that does bring with it a certain freedom that I've been lacking these last 10 months. Its more about relaxing into and enjoying the freedom of the structure beginning to reappear after so long without it.

Its possible this thought made more sense in my head...

Love, etc.
xx

Coming to expect the unexpected

I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that there's no point in trying to second guess God - the biggest things that have happened/are happening in my life were completely unseen. I had no idea when I left Egham to come home for 2 days for Bugsy Malone that it would end up with me leaving for good. I didn't know that when I left The Crown on my last night in Egham that I would end up going out with The Drummer less than a month later (although his txt about an hour after we left did give the game away a little bit...) I had very little faith that there was a point in submitting my application form to TPS 3 days after the closing date, but they called me the next day to offer me an interview.

I like to believe He does the same with people too by the way. I came across a quote the other day from Little Miss reminding me that

...certain people enter our lives at the most peculiar times, for the most beautiful reasons.
They seem to make such perfect impressions whilst leaving behind an everlasting impact. Some of the best things in life appear when you least expect them...

I was reminded of it again last night when I was trying to field conversations with three of my best friends - a very upset god-daughter having a crisis that I just had no answers for, my littlest one having a good old fashioned bad day and needing cheering up and Miss Africa scared about injections & operations. I didn't have answers for any of them, and just couldn't seem to say anything to help. I in turn was getting upset to The Drummer, who did what he does best - called me to cheer me up. Just hearing his voice, particularly hearing the concern in it, brought my smile back. His prayers for me and the girls meant that I was able to send them off to bed smiling (more or less) and cheer up myself before going to sleep.

I was busy having my own crisis that I didn't have answers and couldn't help that I forgot the advice I give my girls so often - we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. I didn't need to have the answers; I just needed to listen & be there. That's all they needed, and that's what I was (eventually) able to do. I've been given everything I need to cope with what's thrown at me. And someone to remind me that I've got it all when I forget.

I guess it all comes down to knowing Who knows what is best for you.

Love, etc.
xx

Perfection in the face of desperation, or, Why I should stop trying and start trusting.

I need to sleep. Really need to sleep. Today has been exhausting & my nerves and emotions are shot. But first, let me introduce you to my new office...

Desperation meant I was searching school websites for study supervisors when I saw that TPS wanted a Theatre Technician. Desperation meant that I cried when I saw it had closed 3 days earlier. Desperation meant I applied for it anyway. And perfection meant that I got called for interview the next day.

Desperation meant that when my interview got rescheduled last week, I lost the plot (and when I say "lost the plot," I mean in a seriously absolutely totally spectacularly I-am-an-epic-failure-at-life kinda way...) Perfection meant that I had 5 extra days to learn as much as I could about lighting (perfection also meant that I needed to know barely any of it during my interview!)

Desperation meant I was totally honest about how much prayer I needed. Perfection meant I was surrounded and covered by it & was constantly reminded all day just how blessed I am with my friends.

Desperation meant that when he hadn't called by 1700, I gave up on hearing today. Perfection meant that we'd just sat down to eat when he called & The Drummer & my parents were all there to celebrate with me.

Desperation has become all too familiar to me recently. But from here on in?? I'm going to stop trying and start trusting and just see what happens. Because what's happened so far is pretty damn good.


Love, etc.
xx

Funny how things turn out...

Bluebelle's little sister looked around our old university yesterday, and when we were chatting about it over lunch today, I asked her why she'd chosen it as a potential college for her degree. Her answer? "Because its really pretty" It was quite amusing, particularly as that's pretty much the reason her elder sister chose said university to study at. A quick straw poll round the table established that the majority of people chose it because "it was pretty" (even The Drummer) (although he protests that he didn't say pretty...) **

I have to admit that I, for one, wasn't keen on the idea of a London university. And by not keen, I mean utterly totally dead set against it. To the point of having a minor coronary every time someone suggested one of the London colleges to fill the last gap on my UCAS form. I didn't want to live in London. I didn't want to work in London. I just didn't want to be anywhere near London. The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever refused to take no for an answer when she told me that RoHo was the perfect place for me. The ensuing conversation went something along the following lines...

Karen (because there was no way I was typing out The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever every other line) : I think you should consider it
Me: But its London. I Don't. Want. London.
Karen: Stop being so stroppy with me. Go and look at the website and come back in half an hour a better reason for not applying than "I don't want to"

*loads website*

*slinks back in to Karen's office 2 minutes later*

Me: OK, so when are we sending off my complete UCAS form.

To give her her due, she's never once to this day said I told you so. And she totally could have done. Because she did. Just for that one little conversation, everything today could be so very different. Yes, she knew me very well and knew I wasn't going to fly off the handle at her pushing me, but even so, she still dared to push me. Who do you need to push today??

In my defence though, when faced with this


and this


its hardly surprising I caved.

Oh, and I'm totally over the London thing.

Funny how things turn out.

love, etc.
xx

** the fact that two of the guys tried to claim it was chosen for course content is, I feel, slightly beside the point. They're boys. And at least one of them was fibbing (The other claimed monetary reasons, which were entirely utterly plausable...)

Understanding, or, When Things Suddenly Fall Into Place

The Godfather is one of my biggest fans (he has to be...its in the job description) but even he couldn't contain his laughter when we were chatting earlier about Skegness (goodness knows why!) & I shared with him part of The Epic Tale Of Our Journey In The Big Red Machine. That tale in its entirety is to be kept for another time, but suffice to say, the bit he found amusing was where I had to be taught where Skegness was. When I was on my way there. Yes. Apparently its nowhere near Blackpool. In my defence, Geography has never been my strong point...

In an attempt to curb his laughter, I shared a few other examples of my slowness in understanding, in the hope that he would see that its a) not my fault I'm a bit dim and b) that its not that funny. Turns out a) it may or may not be my fault I'm a bit dim but that b) it certainly is that funny. So what if I grew up in a Christian home on a healthy diet of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and it still took me 22 years to work out why its always winter and never Christmas?! Or that the phrase "no room to swing a cat" doesn't actually refer to felines?! Or being on the London Eye and realising (i.e. being told) that the pods rotate so they stay upright rather than going upside down at the top. Or...I think I might stop now**.

I had another such moment where everything falls into place this morning when I was reading. I have to admit, I've fallen prey to popularist culture (I know, so very rare for me!), and yesterday picked up a copy of The Shack, which is the latest Christian fad in popular literature. When it comes to "Christian novels" I am all sorts of a skeptic, and have resisted thus far, but I was bored, and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I'm only about halfway through and have yet to lose my skepticism. I did almost waver and give in this morning though when I read the following lines,

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within
their ability to fly, not the other way round...You, on the other hand, were created
to be loved. So for you, to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the
other way round....Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its
ability to fly" The Shack by WM Paul Young

I know everyone blathers on about no-one loving you unless you love yourself, but I genuinely believe that unless you are loved, unless you experience what it is to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed, you can't fully understand what love is. And when you have it, everything does fall in to place and you realise that you can fly. Not that you ever couldn't, it just helps when you have someone believing in you.

Love, etc.
xx

** OK, so the London Eye thing was a bit dim, but the rest of them still stand.

Normal

If you've ever spent any length of time with my family, you'll know that the phrase "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps" could have been written about our household. Its a running joke that none of us have emerged to join the real world "normal," for after all, what is normal?? ** All jokes aside though, I was thinking about this the other night - what is normal?? Normal is sitting on the sofa Facebooking while The Drummer watches Top Gear. Normal is coffee in Neros and seeing half of St Johns walk past the window. Normal is Sunday night in the pub with the gang.

But normal is also walking in through the front door to the comforting smell of "home," normal is my own space and all my stuff around me, normal is Thursday Coffee with The Godfather. What is normal??

Egham is normal. Petersfield is normal. And spending so much time in both recently has just made me realise how special normal can be. Life will never be entirely normal while I split my life between two counties, but I'm detemined to enjoy the normalcy in amongst the madness.

Love, etc.
xx

** I would like to clarify that I am, in fact, the most normal of all of us. Yes.

Habits

I was having a chat with my Littlest One the other night about habits and why they're so hard to break. I've got to be honest...I am probably THE worst person to talk to about changing habits - I am appallingly bad at changing the way I think about things, even if it would be much better for me to do so. This personality trait leads to the infuriation of my friends (at best) and large amounts of hurt for me (at worst) but it is, even so, a habit in and of itself I suppose.

Its easy to talk about things with my Littlest One because she really is like the other half of my brain to the extent that her brain can unscramble what my brain is trying to say (and quite often say it back to me in a way that actually makes sense) so when she was met with the comment "it might be a bit broken but at least it definitely still functions so why try and fix it" she knew what I was trying to say - often we don't change our habits because we don't want to *quite* enough. It doesn't hurt *quite* enough to force us through the process of change...it won't benefit us *quite* enough to warrant the effort...its not *quite* what we really want to do, even if its right. And we all do it. And we all suffer. And most of us never learn. And even if we do learn, we never learn *quite* enough and, oh. We're back there again.

Sometimes, however, there is incentive enough to overcome that barrier, and in my experience, its sadly only either extreme pain to ourselves or to those we care about that can make the change. Our worst enemies when it comes to changing our thoughts and habits are our own brains, and it takes a LOT to change how they're wired. For example, when I had Glandular Fever (mono for all you Yanks) I got depression and a wierdy death complex that prevented me from ever being alone (including at night) or I started having panic attacks. This, at the age of 17, was significantly NOT. COOL. I had school counselling. I had church counselling. I had peer counselling (of a VERY rough and ready variety) but nothing worked until one day out of desperation, I chose to rewrite my brain. I wore, for 3 or 4 months, a hair elastic round my wrist - one of the ones with the little metal bit on it - and pinged it against myself every time I started to panic. Believe me, it HURTS (if you don't believe me, go try it. Not fun) and eventually it worked. My brain started to associate its irrational thoughts about death with that pain, and eventually it changed the way it thought. The pain was enough to overcome the habit.

A more recent (and slightly happier) example is The Drummer quitting smoking (for which I am SO SO proud of him for doing) He gave up, full on cold-turkey on New Years Day and for 15 days didn't touch a cigarette. A minor indescretion occurred the night before we got together that ended up in a few cigarettes being smoked. Bean will testify that I lost the plot. Tears were very nearly shed. I was so disappointed for him because he'd done so well BUT the knowledge of how upset it made me means he hasn't smoked since (possibly also the COMPLETE certainity he has of not gettting kisses if he tastes like an ash-tray) Jokes aside, he knows how much it upsets me, and that's helped him overcome the habit. To the extent where, when I said if he ended up smoking with the boys in Canada, that would be ok as long as he didn't come back and not be able to stop again, he said he still wouldn't (yes, he's amazing. I know) (and all mine)

Those were genuinely the only examples that came to mind for reasons for having changed habits which is a bit sad. Plenty more examples came for people who want to change because they're hurting other people - why why WHY does it come to this before we find the incentive for change??

I can answer my own question there - because its so darn hard. And it is. It really really is, even when it comes to the good stuff - I know people who have struggled so so much with the concept of God loving them enough to forgive them anything they've repented of...I know people who struggle to accept the love of their other half, even when everyone else around them can see it a mile off. I'm totally guilty of that one myself - its a constant surprise that The Drummer misses me/cares about me/wants to be with me as I do him, and I totally put that down to damage caused by previous habits I could never quite change - that's my incentive to change how I think about myself: the damage caused to my heart and my thoughts by my old habits could seriously jeopardise the present (and that would really REALLY suck, because I kinda like this one!)

You've got to look around and see who else is hurting too. Hurting FOR you, because you don't hurt enough for yourself. And you have to also believe you're worth the change, because those people believe it of you, but that's not quite enough. The change, ultimately, comes from you. Because you ARE quite enough. You have quite enough in you to do it.

And even if you don't always believe in yourself, He does. Always has done, and always will.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12v9

Love, etc.
xx

A New Perspective

“Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life. He has put the vision in you — proceed. To wait, to wonder, to doubt. To be indecisive is to disobey God.” Andy Andrews

I came across this this morning, courtesy of Little Miss. I have to be honest, I've never ever thought about it all like this before. And I think Mr Andrews might be right. If I think about it, without God (via St Johns) (and associated opportunities), there'd be no knowledge of sound engineering, let alone such a passion for it. So why do I doubt that there's a long-term plan involving it??

Enough waiting. Enough wondering. Enough doubt. Time to DO (and that goes for the rest of you too...its not just me getting my butt into gear...come join me)

Love, etc.
xx

Converted

I am, at heart, a cynic. About a lot of things. And Valentines Day is definitely one of them. I'm well up there with the best of them - why should there be just one day of the year when your other half is reminded by every shop they go in how much they love you/how lucky they are to have you/what you mean to them. Oh, and that they NEED to be reminded of that?! No thanks.

But.

After yesterday, I am forever converted. As most of you bloggers/tweeps know, The Drummer is snowboarding in Canada right now (something to do with it having been booked months before we got together when he was still pretty sure I wasn't going to go out with him) (long story to be shared another time) (if he lets me) so I knew that I wasn't even going to be able to talk to him let alone see him and spend Valentines Day with him. It was still the best. one. ever. I thought 2 years ago when I got a Lego rose from my sister that that was pretty cool, but no. On Sat
urday, I was woken by Interflora delivering these:

For a cynic, I was very very tearfully happy.

Yay, real flowers from my boy for Valentines Day :) But not just that. Not even mostly that (although they are STUNNING and keep making me smile everytime I walk in my room) For the record (and those not in the know), tulips are my favourite flowers, and pink/purple are my favourite colors. I have friends of many years who couldn't tell you that, but The Drummer (after just 1 month!!) got it spot on. It wasn't the gesture that converted me - it was his knowledge of me and his desire to show how much he cares about me by getting it right for *me*

Maybe Valentines Day isn't about subscribing to commercialism, its not about gifts, but is a day of the year set aside in our hectically busy lives to remind people to tell their other halves how they feel. Its not actually just one day out of 365 - you can be sure that the memories of this our first Valentines Day will last much longer than the flowers and chocolates - even from the other side of the Atlantic, he made me feel like a Princess. And that, as far as I'm concerned, is worth all the commercialism. If he's not careful, I'm going to fall in love with him.

Love, etc.
xx

I'm right here...

I'll be honest - I wasn't paying attention to the sermon this morning. I had a million and one things flying through my (very sleepy) brain and I just couldn't persuade my brain to pay attention to a sermon based on a reading from Job.

I did manage, however, to listen to his last example, which I assume summed up his whole sermon in 2 minutes (seriously...why do preachers do that?!) It was basically a story which ran as follows:

There was once this rehearsal of Hadyn's oratorio "The Creation" where the conductor decided that having the actor singing the part of God would do better singing from one of the balconies to give the effect of a voice from the heavens. By the time he'd trekked around back stage along corridors and up and down stairs to get to said balcony and realise that he couldn't see the conductor nor hear the orchestra properly, the rehearsal was running late and they pressed on. Eventually, he was so out of time and missing so many cues that the conductor was beginning to lose patience, "God? Where are you?" "What is the hold up God?" "GOD...WHY ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR CUE?" and the like. Much to the amusement of all who were watching the rehearsal. The actor decided eventually that enough was enough and traipsed all the way back down, through backstage and round back out in to the auditorium just as the conductor finally lost the plot... "GOD?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?!? WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?!? ARE YOU EVEN THERE?!?!" and the actor playing God stepped forward, put his hand on the conductors arm, saying "I'm right here"

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out what his point was by telling that story (apart from diva-esque nature of most conductors...) but maybe its something that we could do with being reminded of now and again. Sometimes He's not as far away as you might think.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. And before you all get concerned about the million and one things flying through my brain, once I've organised a few of them into coherent thoughts, I'll blog again. Worry not my loves, all is well. I promise.
xx

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

One of the things I try and make sure I'm thankful for while I'm unemployed is my time. Just 2 months ago I was so busy I could barely tell which way was up most days and now I literally have all the time in the world. A coffee date here, dinner there, occasional visit to Egham & the like - I am very much my own boss (and starting to like the cooking/ironing/scrapbooking/sewing/card-making a concerningly large tradtional-housewife-esquely amount) (not that that's a bad thing - I'm very much looking forward to it one day, just not yet!)

What I struggle with, I guess, is the waiting. I was reminded by this beautiful lady that everything happens in His perfect time, which is often subtly (or even majorly) different to ours. Or even to our perception of His time. I'm more guilty than most of this I think, as I like to look at my life and go, "well, I'm here. Listening. Waiting. Go for it...as long as I don't have to do X, Y or Z and don't have to leave Egham" I forced myself over that barrier by leaving Egham through my own choice, but am still struggling to relinquish X, Y and Z and just wait and see what He wants. I can't imagine that I'm not meant to work with orchestras and in Sound Engineering - He did, after all, bless me with those talents and skills and desires - but the big answer as to how and when has yet to appear. There are, however, enough pointers to show me that I am doing the right thing to (try and) wait and see.

Its hard, while you're doing that, not to wish. Or, at least, not to become regretful & full of if onlys. Its hard not to wish I'd done a different degree that would make applying for jobs easier, its really hard not to wish I was still in Egham & its nigh on impossible to not look back at some of the jobs I've applied for and really regret that I didn't get them BUT to have those wishes fulfilled would have meant not being at RoHo, which would mean no St Johns, which would mean no RJ, no Sound Man and no Mr Skins, which would equal no training which means I would never have realised how much I love Sound Engineering. Still being in Egham would mean no shiny new exciting relationship with The Drummer (yeah, I get the irony on that one...ask me about it sometime...too long to explain now) And having got one of those jobs would mean that the perfect job He has for me would have been missed and overlooked.

I'm not saying don't dream dreams - sometimes its just the best thing to sit and think and dream - just don't miss the world and all the opportunities around you at the same time. And never say never to God**

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Don't suggest that now is the time to be aforementioned tradtional housewife. I (and The Drummer) will get far too scared and probably run away :p

** This is also a blog topic all of its own. To be saved for a future special occasion, as befits the topic.

Incase you've forgotten...

Do you ever have those days where you get a gentle reminder that encourages you beyond belief?? Most of the time, God has to literally kick my butt to get me to realise things, but since coming home, its been gentler and more subtle (I am more than willing to put that down to a change in my attitude, both over seeking & listening and in being more receptive to the answers to said seeking & listening)

My biggest biggest problem with leaving Egham was leaving St Johns...I'd never really done the whole God thing properly anywhere else, and was kinda scared that it wouldn't happen anywhere but there. God's been pretty consistent in reminding me that He lives elsewhere other than just St Johns...the sermons I've heard at my parents church have been amazing, and despite their style of worship being just about the furthest from my preferred style/comfort zone that its possible to be, my first Sunday there we sang the shining streets of glory song (a gang CLASSIC) and last week, In Christ Alone.

After an amazing day with The Drummer yesterday, I was in a bit (quite a lot) of a missing Egham grump this morning, and really only went to church because it was easier to go than explain to my parents why I didn't want to. Instead of leaving me in that grump (as I *so* deserved to have been left) God chose to bless me with THREE reminders that I'd done the right thing. Such very very simple things - a particular song, the message of the kids talk and a sermon based on 2 Corinthians 12v9, which is my all time favourite Bible verse - but just reminders that He is very much there with me and for me, regardless of where in the country I happen to be.

Its the simple things that are the best really...I can never understand why we make life so difficult for ourselves!!

Love, etc.
xx

Coffee & Chat (part 4)

"Never let anyone come to you without coming away better and happier"Mother Theresa

I've never spent much time studying the writings of Mother Theresa, but I reckon on that one she had it about right.

I was blessed this afternoon with an hour with The Godfather...he's a busy busy boy at the moment, so I decided to bless him simply with a Costa Coffee and thus also the pleasure of my company for an hour (I couldn't honestly say which one he saw as more of a blessing...) His smile when he saw his "proper" coffee made me smile in turn, and then the fact that he devoted an hour of his time to just hanging out chatting made my day. He has such a fresh perspective on just about everything as well as being the most patient and least judgemental person I know.

I decided while I was walking home that that was my challenge...not only to foster the same relationship with my god-daughters as I have with him, but just in general...I want to be able to contribute something to people when they come to me, whether its a shoulder to cry on, laughs & fun times or advice...even if its little things like commenting on other blogs & encouraging people to keep on with exactly what they're doing...I want to help and love others like I get helped and loved.

What about you?

Love, etc.
xx

Nostalgia, or, That Was The Roman Adventure That Was...

Today I *finally* finished my Rome scrapbook. Started in HUGE eagerness the week I got back from Rome, today I finished it. TWO YEARS AND A HALF YEARS LATER. No jokes. Not that I've been creatively slack in that time...no no no. I've done a set of three Flower Fairies cross-stitch pictures, made *that* wedding scrapbook, hand sewn Christmas cards for my nearest & dearest, done two mini-scrapbooks for birthdays, made numerous hand-made cards for birthdays & weddings and made about a MILLION batches of brownies. But today...today was scrapbook time again.

I have no idea why I suddenly felt such a desire to finish it, but I've just had the best day flicking through what I'd already done and all the photos I still had to sort out. Rome was one of the funnest weeks I've ever had, and definitely up there with TOP holidays. Even now, whenever its on TV, I still do the whole "I've been there...and there...and there...and did you know..." A love affair began with that city, and its one I intend to nurture and revive throughout my life!!

FEET!! (flip-flops + Roman streets = whoops!)
(extra points if you can identify us from our feet...)

The photos brought back so many memories (if not first and foremost just HOW many pictures the three of us took!! Seriously. Many.) ...the truly Italian policeman who asked us (all three of us) out just because we'd asked him for directions...the SUNTANS (from the girl who never tans...this was exciting!)...the foot-spa bath & breakfast terrace of THE most beautiful hotel...the two pizzas split three ways daily (for two days before we got hungry enough to eat a whole one each)...the ice-creams (also a daily occurrance) and all those sights you see on tv & can't quite believe you're standing in front of.

Give three girls an ice-cream and a camera...

There were also the things that were never caught on camera...three wardrobes mixed together...pillow...numbering off...the proposal at the Trevi that we were watching and worked out was going to happen a good 3 or 4 minutes before the bride-to-be did (bless)...the actual bride and groom that we saw having their photos done at the fountain...the pennies thrown in to make sure we all go back one day...the sunsets over St Peters.

The Three Goddesses

So many memories from just one week caught forever on camera & in my mind...days like today I love scrapbooking!!

Love, etc.
xx

A Pollyanna Day

Yesterday, I *may* have written a slightly (very) rant-y post about how everything was going wrong. Today, feeling slightly different, and after a metaphorical kick up the backside at church this morning, my post will read somewhat differently.

Today...

Today I'm bored of being unemployed Today I'm realising how much fun I can have relaxing with my free time, reading all the books I want & spending time chatting to people I'm normally too busy to catch up with.

Today I hate the fact that I'm utterly broke and living with my parents. I hate that I've reverted to the level of independence and self-sufficiency I had when I was 16 Today I've remembered just how lucky I am that my parents have taken me back in and provide me with rent-free living with unlimited hot water and internet...

Today I hate the fact that Dad is ill all the time and feels the need to take it out on me and Mum when all we're trying to do is help. I hate that they can't work out what's wrong with him and that we have to carry on as if everything is normal This is harder, but even so, I can still be glad that we have private health insurance through his work and thus have his neuro consults this week instead of in 3 months. It helps me to remember that its a good job I'm here to help mum, especially when she's so busy at work at the moment herself.

Today I hate the fact my best friends are spread around the world and I can't go to them and have a hug I also need to remember that we're blessed with amazing technologies that mean I can talk to any of them whenever and wherever I feel the need, and most of the time can hear their voice or see them on webcam too. As my Littlest One proved to me yesterday, the thoughts and love and intentions behind a virtual hug can help almost as much as the real thing.

Today I hate the way that every conversation with Jim at the moment ends up with me moaning to him What I should really be saying here is how lucky I am that I have someone who will always pick up the phone/respond to my txts & spend hours with me on MSN just to make sure I'm smiling & goes out of his way to cheer me up when he discovers that I'm not.

I hate the fact that my so-called best friend walked out on me for making what has turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made This is the hardest, and I'm not sure that I truly believe it myself yet, but all I can do here is be thankful for the four years that we have had & all the fun times we had during them. It makes me sad that she was there for every minute of my worst times, but now is missing me at my best, but there's not a lot I can do about that apart from not let it make me bitter and angry.

Today, I hate the fact that my driving lessons are so dependent on my parents & that I have no independence as a result This is potentially the most obvious and brattish of them all in that barely anyone else I know has parents that are paying for their entire course of driving lessons, permits and tests. And insurance on a car to practice in. Lucky lucky lucky. Just a bit of a spoilt brat at times to remember it.

Today I hate the fact that I'm not in Egham with all my friends I've been blessed to have two homes where I'm equally loved and welcomed. And so SO lucky to have so many friends willing to share spare rooms/sofas/floors when I want to come back and visit.

So yes. A Pollyanna Day...wherever you look, there's got to be a silvery lining somewhere. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of searching.

Love, etc.
xx

Just for giggles...Random Letter Meme

With thanks to Blue Eyes viaTurquoise Ribbons, basically you get a random letter and blog about ten things you love that begin with that letter. Then when people comment the blog, you assign them a letter and so the meme continues with lots of different letters, lots of different loves and on lots of different blogs.

I would like to argue that Miss Blue Eyes did not, in fact, assign me a random letter when she chose to give me the letter J, but there we go. I shall do my best not to disappoint :p

1. St Johns My uni church that has become so much more than just a place to go on a Sunday morning. Because of St Johns and everyone in it, I now consider Egham my home (still, even though I'm living away at the moment) and still consider St Johns to be my church.
2. Josie & Jonah & all the other kids that I babysit for and fulfil the general purpose in my life of making me feel loved and making me smile whenever I see them :)
3. Jesus clearly a standard response to the most important things in my life, but really. My faith has given me much much more than just my salvation (see St Johns above! :p) It also means I have to do silly things like leave Egham to follow my calling, but even then, the benefits far outweigh the negatives.
4. The Jacks who deserve a category all of their own, despite their little monkeys having been mentioned already. Mumma Gingy was my original Uni Mum, and has never failed me yet, despite some truly spectacular tradges. She never tires of giving me the same advice (well, she may, but she still gives it and still loves me for all of my idiocy!!) and gives the best mumma hugs :) RJ could easily have his own category, but for the sake of ease (and lessening his embarassment) I figured he could share :p RJ was the first person to let me shadow him...the ensuing 2 years and my determination to make it as a Sound Engineer are all down to him saying yes that first time I asked if I could help rig, so nicely done RJ...its all your fault :p (Obviously I mainly mention him to say thankyou and give him a little message of affirmation and respect, in case that wasn't clear enough!)
5. Jim The one you were all waiting for!! I'm not going to embarass him (much) other than to say I've been blessed with a very very lovely boy who treats me like a princess and makes me feel very special :) He is one of the hardest things about being away from Egham, and is my best reason to go back :)

Now, after a small debate with Miss Blue Eyes, and having given her the answer she wanted when she assigned me the "random" letter J (!!) we agreed I could do 5 J's and 5 T's (an actual randomly assigned letter) so, to resume...

1. Technology Seeing as how some of my best friends are on the other side of a very big pond (KRISTEN!) and the rest of my besties and the boy are in Egham, technology is one of my favouritest things EVER. MSN, Skype, my mobe, email and Facebook aren't a way of life because I'm a geek, they're all just ways of staying in touch with the people I love when we're not in the same place.
2. Tulips are just the most beautiful flower ever made, so they get to figure on here.
3. Television because I'm that cool! I don't actually watch *that* much tv, but there are a certain few shows I never miss (The West Wing, Outnumbered, Greys, Neighbours, Home & Away, Hollyoaks, Strictly Come Dancing, The Apprentice, Casualty & Holby City to name a few) (OK, so I do watch a lot of television. I'm unemployed. Go figure!)
4. TeaTime Every day from the day I learnt how to say it, about half past four, mum would get "Mumma...what tea?" This only really stopped when I left home for uni, aged 18 :p I love family teatime, particularly once me and Ben were older as it was often the only time of a day where the four of us were guaranteed to see each other.
   
5. Texting Arguably different from Technology as my point here is not so much keeping in contact as how much you can make someone smile with a tiny little txt, even if it doesn't say much at all.

So there we go. Enjoy!!

Love, etc.
xx