Lulu Land

Beauty in the midst of chaos

2012-02-08T22:32:00.005Z

Life is starting to calm down. Finally. Just in the last few days, as some big preoccupations have begun to recede, I have begun to rediscover spaces in my mind that I had forgotten existed. I have reconnected with an old friend, albeit it through shared grief. I have started to see some light at the end of the tunnel that has been the last 18 months of craziness. I am starting to feel like me again; I can feel my brain starting to branch back out into the undiscovered, taking all the adventures being offered to it.

I have been so blessed with beauty in the midst of the chaos that has been my mind for the last 18 months. I've found real, true, deep friendships in places I never expected to discover them and am honoured to share my life with such lovely, special people. I have people to look after and people to look after me. I am putting down roots and starting to settle, and with that, I am starting to bring myself back out of the clutter of my mind.

It's nice to be back,

Love, etc.

June's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

2011-07-15T21:41:00.000Z

We've lived in our little cottage for nearly a year now, and decided it was about time we did something about the garden. So we did.

Lillies

Poppies

Trailing fuschias

There were definite colour schemes in each boarder, but the plants seemed to have slightly different ideas. Apparently that's what they do. Anyway. The next project? Sunflowers and a deck for the BBQ. All because there were two old iron gates in the garden when we moved in. You never can account for my brain.

Love, etc.

Stream of Consciousness part 4

2011-07-14T21:13:00.002Z

Somehow it's the middle of July. I haven't posted my June photo posts yet. Combination of lack of camera cables and lack of time. So much for making time for the important things. You'd think finishing my course would leave me with all the time in the world, but my summer is rapidly disappearing and my writing is taking over my time. Pre-marketing is a combination of huge incentive to keep going and hugely terrifying. Scared of bad reviews. Scared of lots of things at the moment. Almost certainly directly related to lack of sleep. The curtains in our room are too thin, and waking up at 5.30 each day is starting to not be so fun. Still haven't caught up from Glastonbury either, although the mud has finally all gone. I've never seen so much mud in my life. And never been so proud of my rockstar of a husband - alongside his regular band, his 6 degrees of musical separation is now one, yes just ONE, step removed from Bob Marley. Perks of playing with Junior Marvin. And, I guess, that means my 6 degrees is now two. And all of yours who have played with me? Three. Glad to be of service.

Degrees of separation. That's something that has been playing on my mind recently. Times and seasons of life are constantly changing. When someone told me years ago that friendships are for seasons, I knew that was something that I would never settle to overly easily. I don't like drifting from people. The last 12 months have been hard, but it is nice to come out the other side and discover that those who really matter are still around and that those who aren't are still happy doing their thing.

I'm definitely still happy doing my thing which, for the moment, is enough for me too.

Love, etc.

May's Big Blog Photo Project part 2

2011-06-19T12:50:00.003Z

I've learnt a few things doing this project, apart from the fact that I appear to have an obsession with food. Namely that I don't have enough time to do everything I would like to do. Ever. But also that if I make time for the things that are important, the things that are necessary are more manageable.

Here's to the important things in life.

Love, etc.

May's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

2011-06-08T18:30:00.004Z

One of those rare perfect afternoons happened in May. The Drummer peeled me away from my work and dragged me down to the river for some fresh air.

We intended to be out for about half an hour, but three hours and a lockgate later, we'd discovered one of the most beautiful parts of our local world, right on our doorstep, that we didn't even know existed.

However busy life is, you really should stop to take a look around once in a while,

Love, etc.

Stream of Consciousness part 3

2011-05-02T21:20:00.002Z

I have no idea where time goes. The year is literally flying by at the moment - now it's May and I finish in just over a month. In September, getting to this stage seemed impossible and now I'm here.

Strange.

Some people are being strange at the moment...people who have no place commenting on my life and my choices feel the need to weigh in with their opinion; others whom I'd expect it from are absent.

Some very noticeably absent with poor excuse.

Excuses make me mad (which is ironic, because it seems that PGCE is short for "Sorry, I can't come out again, I have too much work to do) but even so. Some people I thought were here for keeps have gone, which makes me sad, but I have had too much success this year to grieve for them for long - they are missing sharing the good stuff because they aren't around.

The year hasn't really shaped up as I expected, but already May is looking far more like I wanted my first year of marriage to be. Can't believe it's already nearly a year. Planning holidays and spa days and fun days. Graduation. Weddings. Engagements. Maybe even babies but not mine. Not for quite some time.

Time. Always a lack of time.

Blog posts running riot in my brain. Books to write. Books to read before being able to write. Books to read just for fun. For an almost-English teacher I don't read enough. Having a Kindle makes life easier, but life shouldn't always be about easy.

Bible study at our new home-group is focusing on life not always being about the easy. New people were scary at first but now are comfortably routine. God currently has my full attention for two hours on a Tuesday evening and two hours on a Sunday morning. Sunday evening if He's lucky. That should probably read "if I am lucky" I need to work on that.

Lots to work on. In one short month, lots more time to work on it all.

Love, etc.

April's Big Blog Photo Project part 2

2011-04-29T20:23:00.000Z

Now, I am more than aware that there are not 30 pictures there. I am torn between being sad that I don't even have enough time in my day to take a picture of something somewhere (that isn't lesson planning or marking) but also so blessed that I have had these special moments to bring light to an otherwise fairly dark month.

However, the light at the end of tunnel is getting brighter by the day. Normal service is so nearly resumed. I might even blog with words soon.

Love, etc.

April's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

2011-04-22T20:09:00.000Z

Now, I am (not so) secretly a bit of a plane geek. Hate flying on them, but LOVE watching them. So when my in-laws suggested a trip to Compton Abbas, there was no chance I was going to say no.

Sometimes planes, no matter how big or small, really can bring perspective to a busy whirl of a life.

Love, etc.

March's Big Blog Photo Project part 2

2011-04-20T16:16:00.000Z

I think it says a lot about my month that there were a lot of similar photos...marking piles, to-do lists and word sorts...

Here's to hoping for more variety in April...

Love, etc.

March's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

2011-04-19T11:45:00.004Z

**disclaimer - I am aware that it is now significantly more April than March, but still...**

March saw The Drummer gaining himself some more husband points by taking me to Stratford for my birthday. It was easy to see why Shakespeare found such inspiration in and around the town. It truly is a beautiful place.

Being an English geek, I was more than a little excited for pretty much the whole weekend. I can't wait to go back.

Love, etc.

Treading Water

2011-03-07T17:13:00.000Z

To quote,

Hacket: Is the water over your head?

CJ: No, the water's exactly at my head

The water is deep, and I don't have enough of my own energy to swim, but I am just about treading water.

Normal service is desperately wanting to be resumed. One day, maybe soon, it will be.

Don't go anywhere; I'll be back.

Love, etc.

February's Big Blog Photo Project part 2

2011-03-06T19:10:00.000Z

I really do worry about how many of my photos involve food...but the flowers were lovely and my study is beautifully tidy now.

Love, etc.

February's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

2011-03-05T16:58:00.003Z

So two months in and I have already failed at my target. To be fair, I did take the camera out with me, but was foiled by the lack of charge in the battery. I would officially suck at being a photographer. I'm not even that good of a fauxtographer!!

To keep the momentum, however, I'll share one of the highlights of my collection...Sunset over my favourite beach in the world.

I cannot wait until life calms down enough for us to go and watch the sun set there again.

Love, etc.

Never will I ever...

2011-02-03T21:13:00.000Z

Something upsetting seems to currently be sweeping the blogosphere - the use of one's husband/other half and his traits as "humorous" blog fodder. Reading blogs where the writers husband bed-making skills are mocked, or tweets where pointed comments are made about having to take the rubbish out when you get back from a trip because it hasn't been done while you were away really upsets me. Some of the people who do this have children, and in all cases, I'm sure both their partner and their parents could see what they were writing. What are they going to do when the children read it and start to treat Daddy in the same derogatory way? Where is his discipline then? And where is the respect for how your in-laws have brought their son up, whether you agree with it or not? How awkward is that going to be around the dinner table next time they come to visit? Whether you mean malice by it or not, those throw-away lines have their repercussions.

When I married The Drummer, I was pledging to become his biggest cheerleader, his absolute supporter in every aspect of our lives together. Our disagreements were to remain private and the examination of our faults were to stay well within our marriage. However much I may poke fun at myself through my blog or my tweets or my Facebook status, I will *never* use such public mediums to put my husband down.

Love, etc.

January's Big Blog Photo Project part 2

2011-02-01T21:38:00.000Z

Food, flowers, games with friends

I don't know if I should be worried about how many of these photos involve food...

Love, etc.

January's Big Blog Photo Project part 1

2011-01-30T20:51:00.003Z

So somehow it's suddenly the end of January and I've barely posted anything, let alone anything that contributes towards the Big Blog Photo Project. Fail. So tonight, I will rectify that slightly :)

This gem is from my parents back garden in a rare moment of winter sun. It didn't even need any editing since the sunlight was so obliging in where it fell!! It makes me yearn for a time where life was that peaceful. I can't wait for the summer, the sunshine and some time to read my books again.

Love, etc.

Stream of Consciousness part 2

2011-01-26T21:11:00.003Z

Time. Never ever enough time to do everything. Occasionally there's enough time to do nearly all of the things I need to do. Sometimes, I get to do the things I want to do too. The Big Blog Photo Project is going quite well. I like to have something to do other than teaching. I'd like to think that I can continue my life outside of teaching, but some days I wonder if such a thing even exists. It certainly teaches you who your friends are. Some new ones have arrived through their understanding of what I'm going through; others appear to have fallen off the face of the earth since I stopped being available 24/7. A few of them I'm sad about; most of them aren't overly missed. It's strange how life goes on while I've put everything on hold. Strange to be planning for the future when I'm living such a day to day existence. As if life isn't busy enough, the job opportunity of dreams has presented itself. Seeking wisdom has been easy; having patience has not been. And continues not to be. I'd like some things to maybe be easy for a while. I know I often make life more difficult for myself than needs be, but even so. I foresee that life may be quite busy between now and Easter. That sounds like ages away but somehow it's February next week. I'm fairly sure I don't need to remember to do anything apart from teach for February. Taking it easy. Apart from writing. That's going to kick off soon. And meetings. Hopefully in town. Every little helps with job applications though, even if they're as dull as they ever were. How many jobs can one person apply for in their lifetime? It must be my turn. Fingers crossed. That's one of the few things I can multi-task with sleep; it's a shame there aren't more.

Love, etc.

So that was 2010...

2010-12-26T19:46:00.010Z

So normally at this time of the year, I'd be writing a witty review of the past 12 months, explaining what date from 2010 would remain etched on my memory, or what the best thing that I bought was, but this year, I feel like a change.

Since "we" (for that, read "The Drummer") invested in a new camera, I've become increasingly obsessed with it (particularly the macro setting for taking arty-farty close-ups of things) as well as hugely enjoying the fact that my phone finally has a decent camera on it to document the less-important things of life (mostly via twitter, much to your collective amusements!) I've decided that in 2011, I want to develop this (limited) skill, and so, I've set myself the following two challenges:

At some point during the month, I will actually use our camera to take pictures, hopefully getting in to the habit of actually using our beautiful piece of kit, which I will then post on my blog.
On the last day of each month (or, you know, the closest to it that I'm sitting still for long enough to upload them) I'll post a collage of "Moments from the Month" captured on my iPhone.

So, in keeping with those challenges, here are a few of the highlights of 2010...

The Drummer, The Isle of Wight festival, Weddings, Holidays,

Family, Christmas

Snow, Food, Advent Calenders, Shoe Mountain, Games,
More food, Christmas Presents

So, 2011, lets see what you come up with...

Love, etc.

Traditions

2010-12-15T18:30:00.004Z

Christmas has officially started. A little earlier than previous years, admittedly, but started it has. Ah, I hear you cry, but it's been Advent since November 28th...how come Christmas has only just officially started?

Every Christmas since I was nine, I've been my school Carol Service which has had the same reading and the same format since time immemorial. It was always on the last night of term, and always ended with the Headmaster reading John 1v1-14 and Hark, the Herald Angels Sing. Those two things always meant the holidays were about to start, and even now, whenever I hear someone reading that passage, I can't help but look forward to Christmas. I heard it early this year, and it wasn't read by the right person (hasn't been since he retired in 2004) but now I've heard it? Christmas all the way :)

I like official Christmastime :)

Love, etc.

Stream of Consciousness

2010-11-25T20:46:00.002Z

Because there is no time to sit down and devote a blog post to all of these things, join me on a whistle-stop tour through my brain, life and times of late...

Nice having my husband home. Nice is an understatement. Delightfully stress-free on the home-front; I love living with my best friend. He buys me Lego Harry Potter and lends me the car so I don't have to get the train after rehearsals. Driving is a whole new level of fun now I can do it. People need to learn to indicate though. Really. Makes me mad. Which makes me tireder. I am tired. Mentally & physically exhausted. Too tired to be creative where I used to be. My creativity that used to be used here is taken by lesson plans and teaching the little cherubs. And designing lighting plots for the school play (long distance lighting plots in fact, since it turns out that I'm in Weymouth the same weekend as the Technical Rehearsal) Thinking and writing in all my waking moments. Writing here (rare) Writing on another blog project that I have been shamelessly neglecting this for. Writing lessons. Writing presentations. Writing assignments. For someone who likes to write, it's almost too much. Getting published at the end of it would make it all worthwhile. Using contacts is the only way to succeed in this game. RJ laying his hands on obselete R4 programs I need. Old school ties coming in to play (I hope) Sound Man going on tour with Take That. Fun. Having rediscovered the joy of Sunday night pubbage, I'm dragging my social life out the gutter that it has slumped into since September. Dancing in Holborn, iceskating, wedding planning (with friends) Getting righteously indignant on their behalf. Controlling myself for the sake of those around me. Lessons to be learnt all round.

I've seen the Coke advert; holidays are coming. Sanity will soon be restored.

Love, etc.

Aspirations

2010-10-11T20:03:00.004Z

There are people in life who make you want to be better, whether that be academically, on the sports field or just in every day. If they tried, I'm pretty sure everyone could think of at least one person who inspires them and makes them want to be the best they can be.

There are various people at various stages of my life who have held that role for me - at GCSE & A-level, there was the Epic Historian. The sheer level of his knowledge and expertise made me *want* to be better at History. He was bold, but ruthless. If you got an A from him, you knew you deserved it, but you also knew that whatever grade you did get, he'd be alongside you putting in the time and work needed to get you the grade you wanted. If I can teach like him one day, I'll be happy. The Huntress (my PGCE course convener) now occupies that position. Her knowledge of all-things English is second to none, and if I retire with even 50% of the knowledge and skills she has, I'll feel like I've done a good job as a teacher.

Then there's RJ. He & his wife have watched me grow and develop over the last five years (not without some fairly hefty input of their own it has to be said!) He challenges me sometimes as often as weekly on my attitude over various things and various people; he tries (more or less successfully) to keep me on the right paths. Same goes for The Godfather. If I let either of these people down, or felt they were disappointed in me in some way, I would feel beyond terrible. I aspire to have a heart like these two. If I manage that, I'll feel like I've done a half-decent job as a human being.

I aspire to these levels of academia, of achievement, of character. I see where I am now, and where I want to be one day, and I see ways of getting there. I can see the temptations and problems along the way, and I can see what is always going to help me most...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not

for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Jeremiah 29:11

Love, etc.

You are what you Tweet

2010-09-20T07:47:00.002Z

This one has been bubbling for a while in my head, particularly this last week with the furor over the Pope's visit to England. I'm not a Catholic; I disagree with a lot of what Catholics believe, and I think £12m was possibly slightly excessive for a 4-day visit when an emphasis of the priesthood is to live simply BUT I do think that as the figurehead of a major world religion and the head of a State, however small it may be, the Pope deserved to be able to come to Britain unchallenged and safe from abuse. By all means, take him to task about various views he might hold, or things he's allowed to go ultimately unchallenged in his church, but give him the basic respect that his position merits.

*steps off soapbox**

ANYWAY. Twitter. I've actually unfollowed people this week based on their views and what they have tweeted. They probably won't even notice; they probably don't even care, but to me, I don't want to be reading that, and I don't want people to read that when they come to my page. I have no problem with people expressing their views when backed up with educated fact/opinion, but when they are just tweeting abusive jokes or making disrespectful comments, I don't want to know. Stephen Fry will probably never even notice that he has one less follower, let alone even care, but I am what I tweet. I don't want my integrity questioned as a result of people I follow.

Love, etc.

Feeding The Cats

2010-09-13T12:40:00.000Z

For the past 10 days, The Drummer & I have been feeding Profound Admirer's cats whilst she is away on holiday. When she asked me to help out, it didn't even occur to me to say no - its really not that taxing to put out their food and give them a cuddle each day. She & her husband are so lovely and supportive that it is nice to be able to help them out, albeit in such a small way.

The added bonus from my point of view is that they live a few minutes away from us, meaning that The Drummer and I have had a series of evening walks there and back where we have no iPhones, no tv, no internet, no distractions of any kind, other than passing minis and yellow cars. Coming at the end of increasingly busy days, I think I'm going to miss our walks when they get back at the end of the week.

"Every now and then, when the world sits just right, a gentle breath of heaven

fills my soul with delight..."

A Breath of Heaven by Hazelmarie ‘Mattie’ Elliott

Love, etc.

Chosen

2010-09-11T19:21:00.002Z

Yesterday was a weird day. I thought I'd be spending the whole day being told what an amazing profession teaching was. I thought I'd be told it was a vocation and be persuaded that I was a fantastic person for wanting to spend my life teaching the youth of society. I thought it would be a day of paperwork and form-filling and dullness.

Don't get me wrong, all of the above was true, but there was also the overwhelming sense of utter confidence that the tutors had in us all. Person after person told us how they had seen something in us that would ultimately make a good teacher. The course convener told us how lucky we all were to be there since there had been so many applications; the Head of Department congratulated us on getting this far; the Vice-Chancellor spent (far) too long telling us how we were the hope of future generations (or something) But through it all, they kept telling us all how they'd chosen us. How they wanted us. How they believed in us.

Our English lecturer (lets call her The Huntress) really rammed it home during our subject induction in the afternoon. 242 people applied before she closed the course. She interviewed 71. 39 of us got places. She saw something in us that set us apart from everyone else who applied. She saw something in us that she can make good teachers out of. She believes in me more after a twenty minute interview than I believe in myself after 23 years.

Unexpected, but not altogether unwelcome.

Love, etc

The Little Things

2010-09-02T12:40:00.001Z

When I was waiting at the station last week for The Drummer to buy our tickets, the guy next to him, who was clearly in a very flustered rush, pulled out his wallet and dropped his pen. I leaned down to pick it up for him, and, with his reaction of “Oh....thankyou very much!” he seemed more than slightly surprised that I had done so. Later in that same train journey, a guy on a very crowded tube offered me his seat, which in turn left me surprised since that practically NEVER happens on the London Tube, even for pregnant women or older people.

Its sad when doing something so simple for someone else is seen as surprising, but the more I think about it, the more it seems that “self-first, others second” is the way to live. I don’t expect everyone to live to the same higher moral code to which I chose to hold myself accountable; not everyone shares the same religious views, and I wouldn’t expect that they should, but whether Christian, Muslim, Jew, Agnostic or Atheist, surely somewhere in each person there is the basic desire to do good. To do the right thing. To not look in the opposite direction when someone is in need. To just be human and to care.

Let’s change the world. One little thing at a time.

Love, etc.

I am what I am

2010-08-02T21:53:00.002Z

I am what I am

I am my own special creation.

So come take a look,

Give me the hook or the ovation.

It's my world that I want to take a little pride in,

My world, and it's not a place I have to hide in.

Life's not worth a damn,

'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am."

from "Les Cage aux Folles"

I've realised recently how competitive life can be. Literally everywhere there are people competing to out-do each other - to lose the most weight, to earn the most money, to have the best clothes, to get the best degree results, to be the best singer, to be the best most best, and the worst thing about it - it seems to now be ok to be overtly open with your methods of proof. To make sure that everyone knows that you are the best at or have the most X, Y or Z and to be seen to be at the very tippiest top of whatever heap you've crushed under you on the way up.

I can only speak for myself when I say - being content with what you have is the only way to be peaceful with who you are. Obviously there are practicalities...a little more money each month would be lovely (particularly given the STONKING car bill the garage presented us with this afternoon) but then, how much more is enough? If you have more, you want more. And so on, and so on. Winning these competitions will never make you content enough. Competing is not healthy. Competing doesn't make you happy. Competing doesn't make you complete.

I'm not going to lie: I used to be up there competing with the best of them. Look at me, look at my grades, look at this, look at that. But then I realised there's much more to life than material things. People's adoration is temporary at best. "Stuff" is not the be all and end all of life. What matters is the things that last. What matters is that I have integrity and can stand before my friends and my God with no guilt. To be happy with who I am and what I do.

And I can do that. Come join me...

Love, etc.

Spoilt

2010-06-17T16:29:00.003Z

So with The Drummer in Milan this week, I have, in part, reverted to my single student ways - staying up until 2am doing nothing at all online, going on epic shopping days, and drinking copious amounts of wine at girly sleepovers to name but a few.

It was at one of these such sleepovers that I realised quite how spoilt I really am. When he gets home tomorrow, The Drummer will have been away for just over 5 days. Five evenings of no cuddles; five nights of not seeing him; five nights of snatched phonecalls because it costs too much to pass the time of day like we normally would. Just five. My Littlest One had me over on Monday, fed me lasagne and gave me wine, all because she knew I'd be sad at not seeing The Drummer. The one person amongst my friends who has the best excuse to turn round and tell me to man up looked after me and loved me and didn't laugh at me in my spoiltness. She sees her boyfriend maybe three times A TERM. In the 6 years they've been together, they've spent maybe a total of 18 months actually in each others company since leaving school. And I was sobbing over 5 days. I really need to man up.

I'm spoilt rotten seeing him every day. I know that. Doesn't mean I'm not counting the hours until his plane lands tomorrow though.

Love, etc.

How to tell you're really not ready...

2010-06-09T21:19:00.002Z

I love children. Love them. I babysat enough at university that I didn't need to get a job. Day or night, I'm pretty much guaranteed to say yes if asked to babysit. This week, a friend's nanny was away on holiday so I covered the afternoon school run and filled the gap until dinner when the parents returned.

One of the days was music lesson day, and, being more than used to swimming lesson day for this particular family, I thought I had it covered. Got them all from various schools; got them to the lesson on time; even got them toileted and sitting down quietly.

What I didn't bank on (since I normally fed them before swimming) was a very tired, cranky child post-music lesson. What I definitely didn't bank on was the Mummy Mafia judging me when I had to raise my voice to get the bookbag and coat picked up - all the eyes of the mothers from the class that had just finished and all the mothers waiting for the next class. Waiting and watching to see who would back down first. Whispering. Judging. They weren't even my children and I felt inadequate.

All broodiness aside, I'm not ready for feeling that everytime I go out. I'm not ready to be a mum. I'll stick to giving them back at the end of the day for the moment.

Love, etc.

Oh, and for all of you wondering...he lost. I sat back down and told him that we'd wait until he picked them up, even it that took an hour. It took 10 seconds for him to look at my face and realise I was serious, and another 5 for him to pick them up.

Anticipation

2010-05-28T12:00:00.000Z

People say a lot of the joy of something is in the anticipation. The waiting, the hoping, the dreaming. I'm anticipating many MANY things this year, not least my honeymoon. The very fact that I can go on holiday with The Drummer - something we made a decision not to do at all until after we were married, makes me so unbelievably happy. That he's taking me to my favourite city that I get to introduce him to. That he's taking me to my favourite hotel in said city. That I get to spend every minute, awake and asleep with him.

During the course of our relationship, we've often discussed and re-discussed our choice. There have been opportunities and temptations to change our minds, to take the nice, easy choice and go, but every time one of us reminds the other of our reasons for making the decision in the first place. The choices we've made back up our beliefs, and give no-one cause to doubt or question us. Denying ourselves the treat of going away together leaves our integrity as a Christian couple intact and without blemish. And it makes the anticipation of July even more special.

It's going to be the best holiday ever. If they ever get my flipping passport sorted out...

Love, etc.

Giving it some thought

2010-05-26T22:00:00.002Z

In today's instant society, it can be all too easy to buy first and think later. To think that you need something and buy it without a second thought. Definitely no consideration of what message you're sending out by owning such and such, and certainly no thought for who is benefiting from your purchase.

I'm probably just as guilty of this as the next person (ironically this thought struck me when I was reading Marie "perfect body at high cost" Claire, of all things) but seeing the latest GHD advert, it really struck me again. I've always been more than a little uncomfortable with the GHD advertising premise of the Seven Deadly Sins, and personally, have never chosen to subscribe to that marketing campaign by buying any. Their latest is to assign colors to each of the seven deadly signs - red lust, green envy and the like with suitably seductively posed models. The colors are the marketing gimmick to pull people in, without necessarily realising what they are supporting with their purchase.

What do your choices say about you?

Love, etc.

Spontaneity

2010-05-24T22:57:00.002Z

Life at the moment doesn't tend to leave time for spontaneity. (Or for blogging for that matter!) An endless whirl of seeing friends and family. Planning X, Y and Z for the wedding. Moving house three times. Babysitting. Finishing an old job and doing preparatory work for a new one. Going to the gym. Eating. Sleeping.

Tonight we decided we wanted to go on a road trip to find some dinner. At quarter to eleven at night. The Burger King will have done no good for my diet, and the late night will have done me no good for my energy levels come the morning, but that half an hour spent driving through Windsor Great Park listening to Dream Theatre at full blast? The best thirty minutes I've had in a very very long time.

Spontaneity. Underrated.

Love, etc.

Another angle

2010-03-19T14:07:00.002Z

Because The Drummer is fabulous, he got me front row seats for Les Miserables for my birthday, which meant I spent my birthday night just feet away from the orchestra, the stage, the lights and the sound equipment (and the cast of FABULOUS musicians who make up my favourite musical of all time ever, obviously)

Geekery aside, I do love this show very much, the music is so amazingly varied and always sung faultlessly by whomever happens to be playing the role each time I see it - even though its never the same, each actor brings their own slant to the role. And I can never NEVER have enough of beautiful tenor voices singing in close harmony. Shivers down the spine doesn't begin to describe the magic of being surrounded by so much beautiful music.

However, seeing as how I can never put my geekery totally to one side, even when lost in the magic of Les Mis, I found myself noticing little things - how Marius climbed the gate too quickly and had to wait a couple of seconds until it had rotated fully in to the light before he delivered his line; how the the drummer in the orchestra wasn't quite as close to the floor as he thought and dropped his sticks when he was trying to put them down during a quick change; how utterly seamless and invisible the scene changes all were - you saw the stagehands ONCE when they had to move a table with candles on it. Other than that, you saw absolutely nothing. The lighting was so clever; the staging so well thought out. And every night it is that flawless. The backstage and technical staff are so precisely trained so that their work is of a level with that of the actors - everything comes together night after night to deliver an amazing production. The standing ovation it receives each night is testament to that.

The perfection and attention to detail made me realise that, in many ways, my old boss had simply been trying to produce the absolutely best show all round that he could each time we opened the theatre. Essentially, his heart was in the right place to get The Studio the best name and reputation and profile it could have. To give the actors the closest to a professional experience that they could get outside a real theatre. To raise the profile of drama and technical theatre within the curriculum and the school as a whole. He certainly didn't go about it in the right way, but I can see how that, in his way, he was simply trying to do his job to the best standard he could possibly deliver. He wasn't right, but now I can see that he wasn't as wrong as my mind made him be.

The night I got the job, I wrote that I knew there was a plan for my time there. Tuesday night went some way to healing the damage that forgetting about that certainty of a plan for the subsequent three months while I was working there. I'm still hurt and angry about my time there. There are still some things that need healing, and that will take time, but sat in a theatre for the first time since leaving my job, I realised I'll never be prouder of a piece of work than when the curtain closed after my first show. People sat and watched *my* work, appreciated *my* artistry, acknowledged *my* skills. And I don't do that to myself enough.

Love, etc.

Hot Coals and Grace

2010-03-04T21:57:00.002Z

Being graceful when all you want to do is smack someone is really hard. When all you want to do is shout at them, being graceful is SO hard. Smiling. Laughing. Being normal. Acting as if they haven't gotten to you. Trying to understand where they're coming from and why they act the way they do. Loving them like Jesus would.

Knowing its what you should be doing doesn't make it any easier though. Knowing its what you should do as a Christian. Knowing how lucky you are and realising what they don't have. Counting your blessings and sharing what you have with them. Loving them like Jesus would.

Forgiving them. Starting each day fresh. Not holding grudges. Praying for them. Realising how liberating that is. And wondering why you've never done it before.

Love, etc.

Making Bread

2010-02-21T14:56:00.002Z

An off-the-cuff comment this morning during the sermon this morning about the widow using a Kenwood mixer instead of making the bread by hand struck me in a way nothing has from the pulpit for quite some time.

In leafy Surrey, breadmakers are quite the thing to have. Home-made fresh bread gracing your table is a statement about your lifestyle, and now breadmakers give even the fullest of full-time workers that little extra homely touch with ease. No more hours kneading the bread mix and waiting for the yeast to rise; just bread in your hands an hour later. You can even get the bread mix pre-mixed - no need to even measure out the ingredients.

And it got me to thinking -a relationship with God is more than a little like making bread. Today's Christian society seems to have fallen into a "breadmaker" sitting, listening, taking rut - we go to church as the bread mix, and have everything mixed up for us at a minimum of personal effort and then expect the end product to be as satisfying as others tell them it is. It works, but how beneficial is it? A child will never learn a basic fact of human life by watching mummy fill up the breadmaker - they'll learn by getting their hands dirty and experiencing step by step the process of making bread. I for one never want to be in a position of saying to someone searching for Christ that "it just is" or "that's just what happens" because I don't have any experience to share with them.

When did society start telling us that the simplest, easiest way was the best? And when did we, as Christians, start accepting that that was true?

I think its time we got our mixing bowls out.

Love, etc.

Open Your Eyes

2010-02-03T10:30:00.000Z

I didn't even realise until Saturday that I have a side of the train. At least, I'd rather that as an excuse than I've been living here for four years and getting the train to town most weeks without even SEEING half the scenery that flies past the window. I missed artwork, I missed parks, I missed the most beautiful stately home, which gobsmacked me.

What else have I been doing for four years and just not seeing things how they really are? What else have I been missing for even longer?

What have YOU been missing?

Love, etc.

Clarification

2010-02-01T23:21:00.004Z

Since getting engaged, The Drummer and I have been subject to a lot of opinions. Most of them welcome; nearly all of them truly excited for us; but some, unfortunately were not. Some people felt the need to tell me I was making a mistake, rushing in to things, settling for what I had, butting in where they had no right to be making comment.

To those that have watched us grow together as a couple, our engagement came as no surprise. They can see what we know - that we are perfect together. We were made for each other - I am his Spare Rib -I was made, ultimately, to be The Drummer's Wife. That was a huge part of what has been ordained for me and for my life, so why would I want to delay that? Why would I not want to start fulfilling my Promise now for the rest of my life? Maybe some people don't feel that; some people aren't sure after a year, so for them, waiting is the right thing. I can speak only for myself in saying that I'm sure.

I'm also sure that I'm not settling. I settled for the last guy I "dated" and boy did that mess me up. I spent a vast amount of time worrying that I would have to "settle" for the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I worried that I would have to "settle" for the father of my children. I worried that nobody would ever want to "settle" for me. And Someone changed all that. I was given The Drummer to show me that I *am* worth something far more than I ever could think of myself. To show me that settling is stupid - The Drummer is so much more than I could have ever hoped for or dreamed of. Settling leads dangerously to complacency. With The Drummer, I am striving every day to stay worthy of the love he gives me.

We are the first to acknowledge that we would be nothing without our God. Without Him, we wouldn't have been at St Johns. Without Him, we wouldn't have done Mosaic. Without Him, we wouldn't be together. He is the reason we are who we are, together, and apart, and it is in front of Him that we are making our vows.

A chord of three strands isn't easily broken, no matter how hard anyone wants to try.

Love, etc.

Diamonds and things

2010-01-19T22:51:00.000Z

"A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure"

Its not just because I have one permanently attached to my left ring-finger that this quote spoke volumes to me the other day, although it is symbolic of my perfect ending to the dating chapter of my life.

Heat and pressure turn coal into diamond. Extreme heat and pressure. When you think about a diamond like that, it makes you realise that sometimes, the heat and the pressure can turn out something even better than the original material it was working with.

I sometimes wonder if they people applying the pressure would do so if they knew what the end result might be.

Love, etc.

Waves

2010-01-17T22:32:00.002Z

Because I'm a little bit of a physics nerd, I know a little bit about waves. I spent four hours last night watching them when I should have been dancing with an *extremely* attractive-in-his-tux Drummer at Mrs Daniel's Birthday Party. Officially. A. Geek. But it did make me think. Because I know a little about waves, I could see how they were going to affect the boat. I could tell the big bolshy Thames Clipper that kept accelerating and cutting across to cause as much wash as they could would rock the boat and I might want to hold on to something; the little tugs that pootled past caused nothing more than a gentle bob; the incoming tide merely a gentle up and down motion that, after many years of sailing with my parents and now with The Drummer and his parents, merely left me with a slight swaying sensation that was still present when I got home and went to bed.

As I watched the lights of London drift past, I got to thinking about how life comes in waves. Sometimes you see them coming, and can prepare by holding on. Sometimes the knowledge of how the wave is going to affect you can help you deal with them. Sometimes you just don't see them coming at all because you're too busy.

Last night's too busy ended up with an undignified stumble into The Drummers watchful arms. We might not all be so lucky all the time to have someone to catch us from the waves.

Love, etc.

The best so far...

2010-01-01T10:53:00.002Z

In many ways, the most horrendous. In the ways that matter, the best so far (compare here and here if you don't believe me!!)

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? Got my pink driving licence of DREAMS. Got engaged.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for 2010? I wrote that I wanted to end 2009 "happy with who I am and content with myself" I'm not overly sure that I achieved that - I'm still definitely not my biggest fan, but I'm getting better. More of the same for 2010 I think.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Profound Admirer had her little baby boy, and The Drummer's work colleagues baby made us both horrendously broody. But all in good time.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Thankfully not.

5. What countries did you visit? Miss Africa & I started the first of many "Girls on Tour" city breaks with a return to Roma :D

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? I genuinely can't think of anything!! I'm looking forward to having a husband and living full-time for real in Egham :)

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
17th January - getting together with The Drummer
23rd December - getting engaged to The Drummer

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Going back to work after TPS.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being able to stay at the Job of Dreams once it got horrendous (although having recently discovered that they've since lost another technician, I don't feel quite as much of a failure)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Swine Flu. And some stress.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Rediscovering leggings has drastically altered my wardrobe. And I have three different bags of dreams. Good times.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
The Drummer just because. He was my utter rock through everything this year, holding my hand as I learnt various lessons, and always being there. I love him.
My various mums & dads, particularly my second family Chez Holloway

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Its sad that this answer has been the same for the last three years. Maybe 2010 is the year to finally let this one go. Friends are for seasons, and this one is over.

14. Where did most of your money go? South West Trains.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Angels & Demons, Harry Potter 6, Cattle Grid, seeing Bill Bailey at the O2, going back to Rome, moving back to Egham :)

16. What songs will always remind you of 2009? Dizzee Rascal "Dance Wiv Me" and Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow" for the gang, "Omen" by Prodigy and Lady Gaga's "PokerFace" reminding me of Rock Challenge, and Ben Harper "Beloved One" and Snow Patrol "Chasing Cars" for my man

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Happier. Very very much so :)
b) Thinner or fatter? Much fatter, sadly. Wii Fit has been ordered - I have a wedding dress to slim down for!!
c) Richer or poorer? Richer, actually. Hello full-time job!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Again, I can safely say that I have no regrets about this year. That is good enough for me.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Its probably going to involve food/wine consumption. How sad!

20. How did you spend Christmas? Missing The Drummer horrendously, but very much enjoying sparkling my ring at anyone who cared (and a lot who didn't) and playing with my new laptop. I've certainly had worse ones!!

21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Totally and utterly head over heels.

22. What was your favourite TV program? Same old same old. Apprentice and Strictly. I am a creature of habit! I also introduced The Drummer to The West Wing, and we revived his Star Trek and X-Files collections.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No. If the happiness of my life inspires such vitriol and immaturity in other people's actions, then I should be feeling pity, not hate.

25. What was the best book you read? Does the entire Penny Vincenzi catalogue count? Or a revival of Patricia Cornwell? I'm not sure they count as "books" really...

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Count of Tuscany by Dream Theatre

27. What did you want and get? The man of my dreams, and a sparkly diamond ring

28. What did you want and not get? I genuinely can't think of anything! This worries me - clearly I'm not grown up to the point of realising that the things I wanted and didn't get are for my own good, and thus shouldn't be wished for again (yes, this concerns me!)

29. What was your favourite film of this year? Angels & Demons. Without doubt.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 22 and I got a job. Good times.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A certain Boss of Doom falling under a bus. Preferably at my fair hand.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I have no idea. But The Drummer seems to like it.

33. What kept you sane? The Godfather. Every year its the same - I mess up, I tell him, he laughs, he makes it better. And my Drummer. I couldn't do it without him.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I'm still Anton's biggest fan, even if he is a bit of a div.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I could care less about politics. I really could.

36. Who did you miss? Apart from the vomit-inducing obvious answer of "The Drummer" I think it would have to be Kristen (still) and Ria and Hen when they ran away to Spain.

37. Who was the best new person you met? It would be impossible to chose between Ed, Rob and my future in-laws.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: that I'm a lot stronger and a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. Also that a lot of people in the world are out for themselves with no thought for others - I'm too trusting.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Your eyes shine through me
You are so divine to me
Your heart has a home in mine
We won't have to say a word
With a touch all shall be heard
When I search my heart it's you I find

Despite the job, despite everything that came after it, despite it being officially the worst few months I've ever lived through, I still consider this year to have been the best. I found my soul mate (or at least, he found me and I realised what I was almost missing) and now he wants me to be his wife. As reasons for being happy go, that's one of the best.

Love, etc.

Never Say Never...

2009-12-30T22:18:00.003Z

So when I was little, my mum told me that I should never say never to God, because He would see it as a challenge to make me grow. I seriously spent my childhood deliberately never saying anything like "I'll never be a missionary" and "I'll never live in Africa" just incase.

When the conversation came about one time about what I wanted in a boyfriend, without thinking, I came out with "I'd never date a guy with a beard" and the slightly more convoluted "I could never marry a guy with a double-barrelled surname" (since my IRL first name is also double barrelled) (like Sarah-Jane but not) I wasn't entirely negative though, as I also made sure everyone knew that he had to be able to wear a blue wool coat and look good in it.

Near enough a year to the day after that conversation, God gave me the best way I could ever think of for never saying never again...

Love, etc.

xxx

Random Acts of Kindness

2009-11-28T16:00:00.000Z

"we make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give"

Winston Churchill

After deciding on my blog title, I googled "Random Acts of Kindness" Twenty minutes later I was still sitting watching the quotes scroll round on their home page. Possibly THE simplest idea ever created by a human being, I love the premise - perform one act of random kindness a day.

I've seen so many examples - the traditional things like paying for the person behind you at the drive through, or for someone else's dinner in the restaurant; little things, like post-it notes on mirrors or notes in someone's pigeon hole; bigger things, like the guy who not only helped us get our suitcases on the train in Rome but who went and got a luggage trolley and actively came and found us when we got to the airport, or like the person I saw the other day scraping their next door neighbours windscreen free of ice before driving off.

Random Acts of Kindness always makes me think of one lady at my church who's ministry really could be random acts of kindness. She is ALWAYS smiling, and always so glad to see her friends and check up on them and make them smile in turn. Even her Facebook life makes people smile - her profile picture is a dancing Little Miss Sunshine, and her presence on everyone's pages - commenting on things, sharing good times and celebrating achievements - cheers people immeasurably when they see it. Little things really do mean a lot.

"The wind is real, but you can't see the wind - you can only see the leave rustling in the trees.

Pain is real, but you can't see pain, you only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see

happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face"

7th Heaven

For me, seeing that smile is enough.

Love, etc.

The Lighthouse

2009-11-27T16:41:00.001Z

This weekend just gone was another epic "first" of my life. After many trips to Weymouth, I'd never yet managed to see the lighthouse lit up after dark - we were always on the wrong side of the bay, or just plain in the wrong place. I've read Anne's House of Dreams; I've been to Montauk Point; I've been up Portland Bill each time I've visited The Drummer's parents, but in my twenty-three years, I've never seen a lighthouse lit up after dark.

After a little persuasion this weekend, The Drummer ventured out with me to the top of Portland Bill and we were greeted with the most amazing sight - in the pitch black, eight beams of light, rotating round and round, each one lighting up the hazards and shining far out to sea, warning the ships of the danger. The bill was so stormy that we couldn't even get out the car, but the sheer majesty of the lighthouse; the elegance of the beams of light; the safety is was bringing to the people out at sea - it was one of the most moving, humbling experiences I've ever had.

No matter how small or insignificant you're feeling, there's always something bigger than you out there to show you the way.

Love, etc.

Castles In The Air

2009-11-26T16:25:00.000Z

"Wouldn't it be fun if all the castles in the air which we make could come true, and

we could live in them?"

Jo, Little Women

When I was a little girl, if I was very poorly or very sad, I was allowed to curl up on the sofa under the blue and white stripey duvet and watch videos. If I was ill for longer than a day, I would watch Little Women (the first day of any illness being taken up with Narnia) (and we're talking BBC 1980s here, none of this new film malarky) and so it has always been well up there in my favourite stories of all time ever. Depending on the time of day/wind direction/color of their dresses, I would variously want to be each of the girls, but what never changed was my love of the idea of castles in the air. Everyone has castles in the air - we all have our dreams and wants and desires, and we all want them to come true.

When I was little, I used to agree with Jo, but now I'm not so sure. I've gone through times where I've thought I've known what I wanted and been impatient for my castle to become reality. Patience is not an overly well-developed virtue of mine, but sometimes, the castles are waiting or changing for good reasons.

I'm glad that a lot of my castles haven't come true. I'm even gladder that the special ones have.

Love, etc.

Ever Mine, Ever Thine, Ever Ours

2009-11-25T12:15:00.004Z

We all know that Disney films give girls unrealistic expectations about hair. And men. Whilst our hair has become an acceptedly un-winnable daily battle that will never go away, our expectations about men remain unachievably high (since they are, after all, only human)

Growing up on a diet of Disney princesses finding their prince sets the bar very high for the poor darlings that have to compete with Prince Charming on his white horse and in some way maintain that standard every day of a relationship's life. And its not just a case of competing with our childhood Disney Princes. Oh no. Right when a girl is at her most anxy and hormonal, along comes The Notebook. Love Actually. The Holiday. And all the rest of the chick flicks with perfect guys loving in perfect ways.

Now, be under no disillusion - the path to true love doesn't run smooth. We are SO aware of that. Big leaves Carrie at the alter, but we still all want a real life Big to woo us again with love letters and propose on his knees in the end. We all want a Miles to make us fetucchini and sing to us in Blockbuster. We all want to end up in the relationship where our Noah will tell us our story day after day when we're too old to remember.

And I've found it. I'm settled. I'm the luckiest girl alive to have The Drummer loving me and wanting me to be his. I don't need huge soppy displays of his love; I don't need adoring emails and txts; I don't need constant reminders of his love, because I *know* that he loves me. When it comes to it, he celebrates the good stuff, holds me until the bad stuff stops hurting, cries with me when I cry. I don't need anything more. If I'd put together all the best bits of all the films, I still couldn't have come up with a guy better that him, no matter how many times I watch Pride and Prejudice. He's my Darcy. My Big. My Prince Charming.

The love letters though...Big, that was a winner.

Love, etc.

Skip to the end...

2009-11-24T15:41:00.002Z

When I was little, I used to have an absolutely appalling habit of flicking straight to the back page of a book to see how it ends. I'm getting better at not doing that, although my gosh does it take a lot of self-control not to do that anymore!!

I was reading something the other day and went to flick to the end when the afternoon of my first date with The Drummer popped in to my mind - he'd just acquired Season 7 of Star Trek Voyager and I didn't want to work my way through the previous 6 seasons just to answer my childhood question of how they got home, so begged him to let us watch the last 2 eps. His look of horror as he asked whether I was "the sort of person who did that with books too" made me laugh (and also maybe fear a little for our long-term future**)

He had a point though - going straight to the end might give you the same result as working your way through, but with nowhere near as much knowledge and answers and reasons why. "Just because" is all very well when it comes to Star Trek questions, but I never want to only have "just because" as an answer to a question about my life because I was too busy skipping to the end to enjoy what I have

"Your life is like a book...don't jump to the end to see if its worth it. Just enjoy

life and make those pages filled with beautiful memories"

I have some spaces left. Come fill them with me.

Love, etc.

** this fear disappeared as we were settling down in front of the finale and he asked me whether I'd read the last page of the book of "Us" and whether it was a good one *swoon*

p.s. Ten points for the first person to tell me where the title is a quote from...

Green Screening

2009-10-22T20:39:00.002Z

Obsessed is a strong word, but apt, I feel, in relation to my love of Angels and Demons. Mostly because its set in Rome admittedly, but still. Watching it again this evening, I realised I'd never watched the Special Features. And now I kind of wish I hadn't. Theoretically, I knew that it wasn't really all shot on location - you're not allowed to talk in the Sistine Chapel, let alone take a whole film crew in there - but a little part of me had always stayed lost in the magic of the film. Until I saw the amount of green screen used. Obviously its a lot, but to me, a little of the magic, a little of the mystery went seeing how small the sets were - the St Peters set is mostly plywood. The Sistine Chapel ceiling...screen. The faithful crowds in St Peters Square...CGI.

Don't get me wrong - its still one of my all time favourite films, but I'll watch it in a different way now - the geek in me will be looking for CGI; for objects that are clearly filmed against a green screen; for continuity errors. That got me thinking - how often in life do we do that? How much of your life is a green screen? Reality projected against something blank. Truth, but not quite. Fooling people, but really deep down, knowing that they know that its not real.

A little of the magic has gone.

Love, etc.
xx

Culture Clash

2009-10-15T18:00:00.000Z

Now, call me old-fashioned (and believe me, that has been known) but I'm about to get on my soapbox about the state of popular culture. Really. Me. Yes.

I have to admit that I'm normally one of the first to ignore the warnings of pastors and elders about the influences of the secular world on Christians, and its not really something I've ever had that much of a problem with. I drink alcohol, but not to excess, and feel no pressure from any part to do so. I listen to the radio and watch tv, and freely skip channels if I don't like what's on (whether for moral reasons or simply because its painful to listen to) I sometimes wear short skirts and heels like the rest of the population, and feel no shame in wearing them. Essentially, I make my own decisions for what I allow myself to be exposed to. Some people would say I'm too liberal; others would (and have) laugh at how strict I am about some things, but for me, I know I'm making the right choices.

Imagine then my shock (at myself!) when I found I was disgusted by Taylor "Love Story" Swift's new song, You Belong To Me. I'm a girl - we're all entranced by the idea that Romeo is going to kneel to the ground and pull out a ring and propose. That's a dream for princesses everywhere, and I have to admit, I've never felt a need to turn the radio off when the kids have been around, even the oler ones who are starting to pick up on songs they like and who wrote them. THAT is where has scared me - that the girls I look after could listen to Love Story and think how great it is and then want to hear more, and coming across songs that sing about how she thinks that the boy she likes shouldn't be with his girlfriend and lists the reasons (!) That is not a healthy thing to let girls think is acceptible and for the first time, I can see why parents are often so guarded about what they let their children see/hear/have until they are old enough to know what is good and what isn't. And strangely, it lasts.

"You'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable,
authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the
ugly; things to praise, not things to curse"
Phillippians 4v8 (The Message)

Love, etc.
xx

Words

2009-10-14T14:21:00.003Z

23.57, 31st December 2008. A text message that changed my world. And then a day of absolute silence that almost destroyed his while I panicked about starting a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Said silence and panic led to an FB status of "[Beautiful Intellectual] has a lot to think about" which prompted another txt along the lines of "whatever you're thinking about, you know where I am if you need me" And I fell in love.

A few days later, I was telling the most important person in my life (outside immediate family) about it, starting the conversation with the phrase "[The Drummer] is going to ask me out, and I'm going to say yes" which normally would have had her bouncing around the room squealing if it had been any other of her friends, let alone me. I was met with her opinion that it was a mistake and he wasn't who God had lined up for me; a brick wall rather than the shared excitement I was expecting.

Its taken this long, almost ten months, to get over that. To get over that hurt. To get over the loss of my best friend. To get over the rejection of my boyfriend. Recently, I've spent a lot of time realising I'm preparing to do all the big stuff of my life without her beside me, and I'm honestly not sure how that leaves me feeling.

"It’s amazing, some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it

changes the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you

so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything, nothing between
you is ever really the same again, even if they don't know it"

Just be careful what you do with your words.

Love, etc.
xx

Smells like home

2009-10-08T17:15:00.004Z

On the train this morning I had the strongest deja vu I've had in a very long time. I was sitting listening to my music watching the world go by when I realised I was suddenly feeling really safe and comfortable and couldn't work out why. It took me a while to realise that I recognised the aftershave of the guy who had just sat down behind me, and slightly longer again to realise it wasn't the same one The Drummer wears. It took about another 5 minutes pondering, scooting through my mind all the different guys I knew and hugged regularly (that sounds worse than it is...) and couldn't for the life of me work out where I knew it from. It wasn't until Black And Gold came on my MP3 much later on that I realised it was the same aftershave the Landlord of Dreams (who, with his wife, housed me for free for a term before Christmas last year where I had nowhere to live and no money for rent) Their home became mine, and that smell became home because of the welcome and love and acceptance I had there.

Smells are strangely evocative things - fresh grass equalling the summer, even if its still only March. The precious talc-y baby smell left on your clothes after cuddling the kids. The smell of The Drummer's parents house meaning total relaxation and peace. Smells always mean something; they always come with memories.

Home has many smells these days - The Drummer's aftershave, my parents house when I get home after being away, St Johns when you're the first one in on a Saturday. Each and every one has its memory; each one is home to me.

Love, etc.
xx

Relationships

2009-10-05T19:28:00.003Z

"Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time,
the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing;
one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both
partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship
can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic.
The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static
balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance"
Gregory Godek

I found this quote earlier this evening and realised it summed up everything I've been trying to show myself recently - everything will balance over time. Yes, right now, it feels like my relationship with The Drummer is unfair on him - I'm needy right now & he's a rock, I'm broke right now and he has a steady job etc, but its true that our relationship is going to emerge from this, probably even stronger than before. I love the fact that although they're nearly always in the same place with the same people around and a lot of the same stuff to do, every weekend we spend together is different; every weekend highlights a new experience for us as a couple; every weekend brings us closer together.

Balance is necessary - a relationship doesn't succeed without equality. I'm not his Spare Rib for nothing.

Love, etc.
xx

Pointless or, Pity Party for One?

2009-09-22T21:56:00.003Z

Do you ever look at your life and wonder why on earth you are where you are? Do you ever just sit back and think "what on earth am I actually here for?" I am aware at this point that it sounds like I could do with a good dose of The Purpose Driven Life, but I did that last time I was terminally unemployed, and given that that was only such a short time ago, I'm not convinced its been long enough to make a difference again. Today is most definitely *not* a Pollyanna day.

The only thing stopping this pity party for one is the knowledge in the back of my mind that, however pointless I feel that there must be a purpose for me somewhere. Right now, I can't see it. I have no idea why my patience is being tested in so many different ways. I have no idea what I'm meant to be learning. I have no idea why things are being given with one hand and taken away with the next leaving me splitting my life between 2 counties, not fitting in in either, with no money to speak of to my name.

I have no answers. And to be honest, I'm surprised I found this many words.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. I may have been overstating when I said the pity party was being held at bay. Clearly it is not.
xx

Grace, or That's Called Growing Up Kiddo

2009-09-08T20:36:00.002Z

I am not by nature the world's most gracious person. Actually, let me rephrase that. I'm an incredibly gracious person unless I feel threatened, then I get all loud and proud and kinda forget the "by their works you shall know them" bit, and the whole "whatever is true...noble (&) right" thing and just get a bit, well, nasty.

I've made reference to The Drummer's Ex before I think, but BOY has that become a situation recently where I need to be gracious. The Drummer calls it "gracious in victory" but over the last couple of days, I think just "gracious" would do. I have in my life something a lot of girls would kill (or at least seriously maim) for - a dependable, solid guy who utterly adores me and goes out of his way to protect and look after me. And he's mine. And he's not going anywhere. So why do I let myself turn into such a diva when she calls him (or floats onto our radar in any small way) Why do I act like a brat and make a difficult situation worse? Why can I not just look at my life and realise I have more than enough to share a little grace with others?

Its all well and good being gracious when life is easy, but that's not entirely the point of grace. Having a tantrum is easy. Being gracious is not. Realising what I have, both on earth and in my God, made me realise in turn that I should have no option.

Being gracious isn't a choice, it should be the norm. But MAN is that hard.

Love, etc.
xx

Readjustment

2009-09-02T15:52:00.009Z

Its funny how things turn out. I thought my summer was going to be like this, but it ended up being about totally different things to what I had expected...

It wasn't just my brother's wedding. It was the day I got a sister...

Lots of technical geekery with The Godfather that wasn't just technical geekery but some special times of healing and wisdom (but ok, there was lots of playing with new toys too!)

Whilst I was totally expecting to love my holiday in Weymouth, it never occurred to me how much I'd love becoming part of a new family...

A return trip to the city that stole my heart became the first of many "City Breaks For The Girls," a fact which I'm VERY excited about!

There was a whole lot of hanging out with the gang...

and from a source I never thought I'd here it from again, I was reminded that

Readjustments. Sometimes they're not all bad.

Love, etc.
xx

Left Behind

2009-08-31T21:48:00.003Z

I didn't realise until I got to Rome that this is the first time I've been away and left someone behind. Someone who missed me just as much as I missed them. Someone who checked their phone as much as I checked mine for messages. Someone who's face lit up when they saw me come back through Arrivals.

As Winnie The Pooh once said,

Pooh: this is the best part of the day
Christopher Robin: what part is that?
Pooh: When "you" and "me" become "we"

I think there's a lot to be learnt about love from the wisdom of a little bear

Love, etc.
xx

Mugs

2009-08-23T19:50:00.003Z

Not having grown up enough to drink tea or coffee, I drink an AWFUL lot of hot chocolate. Particularly in the winter when its all snuggly and warm. Its all about the mug...too small, and there's not enough room for the cream. Too big and there's too much to drink. There's nothing better than "exchanging fact" (because I'd never gossip) (*ahem!*) over a big chunky mug cupped in your hands licking the cream off the top (or using a spoon if in polite company...) (rare...)

My room is constantly littered with mugs, including one which is rarely far from my desk that reminds me daily of a certain truth we could all do with bearing in mind sometimes

"He is perfecting me" Phillipians 1v6

Love, etc.
xx

Unexpected

2009-08-11T16:41:00.002Z

On Sunday, The Drummer and I went to the Walking With Dinosaurs Arena Tour. Which was ALL kinds of awesome. It was so good, it distracted me from eyeing up the rigging and tech equipment, which, given how much of a Tech Geek I really am (and the fact it was my first time at the O2 in ALL its glory) makes it a really quite impressive show!!

TFL, in their infinite wisdom, had once again closed the Jubilee Line, so getting there was an utter mission (including my first trip on the DLR...no drivers...WIERD!) and a boat shuttle across the river from East India docks which now bear little to no resemblance to the docks that funded my school. But still. Nice little trip round Londontown thanks to TFL *ahem*

As we finally arrived, we clocked the (hour long) queue to get the boat back across to the East India docks and balked at the sheer number of people who would then be waiting at East India (and Bank) (and TCR) to get back to Waterloo. The Beautiful Intellectual doesn't do the Tube overly well at the best of (busy) times, so a plan B was clearly necessary. £5 has never been better spent on me than the Thames Clipper ticket from Grenwich to Waterloo Pier. Ohmigosh was it just THE funnest 40 minutes I've ever spent in London.

It was the most perfect (and totally unexpected) ending to an amazing afternoon. I could get to quite like the unexpected...

Love, etc.

Understanding

2009-08-10T13:23:00.008Z

At heart, I am a musician. Nothing thrills me more than hearing a piece of music, particularly orchestral music, and losing myself in how it all fits together and picking out all the different parts and melodies.

I was listening to a piece the other day that I'd once played in an orchestra and started to focus on a tune I'd never heard before - I was amazed that I'd managed to not only rehearse it regularly but also perform the piece a number of times and yet there was still more that I hadn't heard. I was reminded of one time where I'd had to leave the rehearsal for some reason, and walking back into the hall, as I crossed the room to get back on the stage, I remember trying to work out which piece they'd moved on to rehearsing because I didn't recognise it. Turned out it was the same piece they'd been playing when I left, but from outside of my little seat in the middle of the Strings section, it sounded so completely different that I didn't know what it was.

Recently, I've come to realise that this is sometimes (often?) true of our lives - sitting there knowing we've done all the rehearsing and preparing and ready to do it, but actually not really seeing the full picture at all, and not knowing what to do when we're confronted with it. Its taken some long struggles, some that are still lingering yet, but I'm finally starting to accept that there is always a reason and there's always something learnt.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps,

you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks

in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised.

But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and

does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is

building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new

wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards.

You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building

a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

The bigger picture is there - just don't miss it in preparing your own little bit, however perfect you think you're making it.

Love, etc.

Unaware

2009-08-04T16:17:00.004Z

Last Thursday, I spent the day with Bluebelle at the V & A Museum in Londontown. It was hard having such a lovely girly day in the sunshine while the boys were at work, but we managed. While we were there, Bluebelle took LOTS of beautiful photos, mostly arty ones of the prettiness that is the V &A (and our LUNCH!!) but I managed to sneak in to a few of them (not that I like posing for cameras. at all. no no, not me!)

However, perhaps one of my favourite pictures of the day was this one:

Partly in a "I'm so small and there is so much out there that is bigger than me" (in a metaphorical, getting-a-perspective-on-life sense) but mostly because I was so unaware of it. which really made me think. Unaware of Bluebelle's thoughts, unaware of her artistry and skill in setting the picture. I was completely unaware of anything apart from what I was thinking about, and when I saw the picture back on her camera, it made me wonder what else we're completely unaware of and what we're missing.

Its actually quite scary to realise the things you nearly missed - my decision about uni and what I really felt about The Drummer to name but two of the more important ones that spring to mind. Particularly my uni decision, given that pretty much nothing that makes me me these days would be there if I hadn't gotten over myself & looked at the website.

However, the picture is also incredibly apt for the latter of the two, given that that is the view of me that The Drummer was probably most used to before we started going out - as the drummer of our band, he was watching my back (sometimes, it turns out, literally) while my thoughts were miles away elsewhere.

He waited for my thoughts (and for me) to turn round to him. Sometimes in life we're not that lucky...maybe I should start being more careful.

Love, etc.
xx

Patience

2009-07-10T12:37:00.003Z

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

I've decided The Drummer is the embodiment of this verse - through The Great Void and The Big Mistake, there was a 6ft (ish) auburn curly-haired bearded plan for me that I didn't even see coming but now am so very glad has happened (understatement of the century)

After a week of doubting pretty much everything, I guess I really needed to hear this today - that there IS a plan and that the right thing will happen at the right time. Its really hard when something you thought was an answer to prayer seems to have become something so vastly different. I make no pretence of understanding why, but given everything else He's given me, I don't think I'm really in a place to complain.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Although when I say doubting everything, I mean everything apart from said Drummer. Of him, there is no doubt at all at all
xx

Its A Small, Small World

2009-07-07T21:04:00.004Z

Tonight I had the strangest experience - I sat through a pupil's concert which was finished by the 16 year old girl who had sat through so many of my own pupil concerts when she was a little girl when I was at (a completely different) school with her sister. I guess I shouldn't be surprised really - my family appears to have a penchant for finding connections in strange places: my parents used to camp with the parents of my brother's first girlfriend...the grandparents of the kids I babysat for at uni knew my parents when they were at uni...I went to junior school with my prayer partner's little sister...my mum and dad knew my old School Nurse when they were all young marrieds in Bristol...my great-grandfathers used to be travelling preachers together a good forty years before my parents even met...even The Drummer and I have a history - he was an Inter at my first ever Campaigners Parade as an Eagle (holler if you even have a blue clue what I'm talking about here!) (If you don't, he was like 11 and I was 4 and very cute with little blonde curls and we probably didn't even see each other)

Everytime I hear stories like this, it makes me think of the quote

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained
angels unawares.
Hebrews 13v2

You never know when someone you come in contact with in your present will become a part of your future in a way you could never imagine...keep an eye out, just incase.

Love, etc.
xx

Lessons in Time, or, Perspective & Priorities

2009-07-03T22:43:00.003Z

"Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours
per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa,
Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein"
H. Jackson Brown

And so another metaphorical kick up the backside trundled along today, right on cue (as per usual)

It would have been so easy today to be all "woe is me, work was so hard" but instead, said butt kick reminded me that actually, time today was well spent. Huge amounts of things were done (not least a combined total of 33 rows of those BLESSED seats across 3 assemblies and 2 shows) and not just work stuff, but also the little things, like taking the time to find some Jelly Tots for Little Miss Dance. And in fact, being her runner all day because she had so much to sort out. And taking time to go to "the gym" after school to hang out with (who are swiftly becoming) The Usual Suspects (who take their workouts so seriously they can always be found in the beer garden around 4pm on a Friday) And then finding time to have pizza with Little Miss Dance and Maestro before shoehorning in some one-on-one time with the quieter of my two prefects helping her learn just one more little thing at a time.

Just one of these things should have made it a good day - how lucky am I that I got to do them all? It really is all about perspective. These people were my priority today - helping them, teaching them, valuing them, and somehow, that seemed to bless me too. And hey, I'm *more* than happy with that happening!!

Its not always about the great achievements. Sometimes its just about the little things.

Love, etc.
xx

Speechless

2009-07-01T22:11:00.002Z

I have nothing to say. Nothing clever, nothing cute, just nothing.

Sorry,
xx

View from the other side...

2009-06-23T21:34:00.002Z

An old friend emailed me out of the blue today admitting that she's been reading my blog and really appreciated the "normal, practical non standard everyday patter" of my blog posts, particularly in relation to her struggle to find and believe in God. I was thinking about it on my way to work, and realised how lucky we are to be Christians - to be sure of God's existance and know that He is there for us.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see"
Hebrews 1v1

Even in bad patches (which we all have, no matter how all together we seem to have it) I know that God is still there somewhere, even if I'm not sure exactly where sometimes. And for that reason alone, we're pretty darn lucky.

Love, etc.
xx

Topical much?!

2009-06-19T07:36:00.003Z

There's a preacher at our church who I love to *bits* He is truly awesome, apart from one tiny, niggly little thing. When he preaches, which isn't hugely often these days, he always, without fail, picks the one topic that I don't want to think about/am avoiding dealing with and hammers away at it for a good half an hour. Or longer.

I should have known last time as I settled comfortably into my seat last time he preached, thinking "oh the kids will enjoy this - its great to hear him again and have him give them such a good preach" that it was coming - you'd think I'd've learnt by now that God pretty much always uses my sermon-related complacency to whack me around the head with a sledge-hammer.

That night's topic was shalom and chatt'at (basically God's peace and then the very opposite - chaos/disorder) in the context of in our lives, there is a lot of chatt'at, and as Christians, we have shalom, and should bring it to our own chatt'at and to that of those around us. We can pray all we like for God to solve a situation, but sometimes we need to realise He has already sent us shalom - WE are shalom. And we need to apply that to the chatt'at of our lives.

In the space of 40 minutes, he managed to make me feel sad, laugh hysterically, feel guilty and then leave with a sense of hope. And that's why he's the best.

Love, etc.
xx

Seeing Both Sides, or Why Idealising Life Can Be Dangerous...

2009-06-18T08:00:00.003Z

I've always *always* envied Sound Man his job, despite his constant protestations that its "just a job" - I never understood how the glamour and excitement and atmosphere surrounding gigs could ever become "just a job" but since starting work, I've realised what he meant - its just a job. When you're buck-stoppingly responsible for the lights working at the right time, or the sound being bang on time after time, there's not a whole lot of time left to enjoy soaking up the atmosphere. I can understand how it quickly stops being the most glamourous thing in the world and enters the realms of normality.

On the flip side, however, I was showing a new director and his producer round the theatre last night and the director was so envious of my job and my "office," wanting to know how I got it and where he could get one like it. I saw so much of myself in that comment!

Don't get me wrong - I still *love* it and wouldn't want to do anything else with my time, but I've started to realise things in life aren't as perfect as our brains sometimes make them out to be.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Apart from The Drummer. He is, of course, perfect in every way :p

Things I have learnt .. (part 3)

2009-06-12T22:44:00.002Z

In addition to these things and these things, the following things have been discovered by me to be true...

- its impossible to walk down the road, in the sunshine, listening to Mas Que Nada and keep your hips still...

- the Bible really is right when it says don't let the sun go down on a row. You get a REALLY bad nights sleep, which makes working the next day kinda challenging.

- slimming as it is, Black gets pretty boring as a clothing choice day after day.

- while "just because" may not be a good enough explanation in the classroom, when it becomes the reason for flowers, its more than enough.

- packing, wearing, or indeed simply PLANNING to wear white linen trousers is pretty much guaranteed to make it rain. As is buying expensive new sunny gs.

- when you can go back somewhere after a time away and it really feels like you never left, that's when its home.

- people care about me a lot more than I realise.

- sunshine = blisters from amazingly pretty hugely impractical shoes.

Love, etc.
xx

Just Because...

2009-06-12T21:17:00.002Z

I like just because.

Love, etc.
xx

The Tables Are Turned... (a.k.a Fit For Purpose part 2)

2009-06-10T21:48:00.004Z

When RJ & Sound Man sat me down and taught me about me about gain theory and condenser mics and sound desks and every type of cable under the sun, I never in a million years thought it would lead to me teaching anyone anything ever. Yet in the space of 2 days, I've delivered a mini-lecturette on pan-pots, instructed FAR too many children in the correct etiquette of a Tech Gallery and been given two prefects to train as Junior Technicians. Oh, and been asked to help deliver the "technical" side of a new diploma the kids are starting in Creative and Media Studies *PANIC FACE*

How can I teach something I barely know myself?? What do I have to offer about the role of being a technician?! Why do people keep treating me like an adult when I'm really really not?! (Clearly I am doing too good a job of pretending...) But in all seriousness - I never expected that I'd have to share what I know in any kind of formal setting, let alone stand in front of 27 kids and start their introduction to Technical Theatre. I've barely finished my own.

There is, however, a part of my brain that is pointing out that that is just exactly what we're meant to do with our knowledge and things that we learn - pass it on to others. I've blogged about the Parable of the Talents before, particularly in the context of my work, so I guess this is just another nudge to remind to stop hoarding and start sharing. Clearly this year is going be very little to do with resting on my laurels and quite a lot to do with getting fit for the next purpose that He has in store for me.

Love, etc.
xx

Straight Talking

2009-06-07T21:55:00.003Z

The Godfather is one of the few people in my life who can say something how it is, even if I won't like it (particularly if I won't like it!) and get away with it. And even get me to agree with him, 9 times out of 10 (and on the 10th time, I know I'll come round to his way of thinking eventually)

I was reading over my journal today when I was reminded of the time last summer when he left me struck dumb in the middle of Cafe Neros when he asked me whether I thought my relationship with God was starting to resemble that of the (non)relationship I was "in" at the time. Going out of my way to help him, anticipating his needs and being there to do/get what he needed. Being picked up and put down dependent on who else was around to entertain him yet I was always there waiting for him to come back again and again. Taking him back on any terms just to get him back. And so on. And so on. I suddenly could see The Godfather's point. And BOY was it an uncomfortable realisation.

I journaled the following in response that evening,
When its put so starkly that I'm treating You in the same way [he] treats me...I don't deserve any blessings at all, let alone the things I want for my comfort and convenience. When I think about how much it hurts me when [he] ignores me or picks me up and throws me away again at his convenience - I can't begin to imagine how much it hurts You that I've been doing that to You and I'm so sorry...

It was one of those tonne of bricks moments where suddenly you realise that a relationship with God means a relationship. And relationships come with hurt, however unintentional it may be.

I had another one this morning in church (although possibly slightly more shower of pea shingle than tonne of bricks...) when I was thinking about a friends BBQ that the gang were all at yesterday and how nice it was to hang out with my Little One after not seeing her properly for so long. It was a little bit bittersweet though, as I was kind of sad that we've drifted a little far apart since graduation/leaving Egham/starting work. I realised I hadn't put enough time or effort into maintaining the friendship when it ceased to be so naturally convenient and simple. And you see where this is starting to go...

When it struck home the most was when I looked up and saw The Drummer just sitting watching me and I knew that if I'd asked him what he was looking at, he'd say he was just watching me be happy and excited to see all the people I hadn't seen for so long - just the same as God does everytime I go to church. My relationship with The Drummer is hugely balanced - sometimes we talk really deeply and seriously (rare, but we're working on it) sometimes we're messing around and having fun and enjoying each others company and sometimes we just hang out simply spending time being together. I thought when I got together with him that an earthly relationship is sometimes a good model for working on your relationship with God because it makes all the emotions more real and understandable.

That comes with the flip side too though. Something to work on I feel...

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. The Journal from the night I got together with The Drummer? I don't think I deserve him, but thankyou for giving him to me. In the light of what I've just been writing about...hmm. Point made.
xx

Achievements

2009-06-04T14:22:00.003Z

What is an achievement?? Watching The Apprentice semi-final made me think about this quite seriously.

One of the candidates was talking about what it would mean to her to win, saying that she would be able to prove to herself and her family and her daughters that she was more than what she'd achieved so far in her life.

I was surprised at my own reaction to that comment - I have one of the clearest career goals of most of the people I know, and a lot of people would probably think, understandably, that my career is one of the most important things to me in my life. When I heard Lorraine say that though, my first thought was for her girls - maybe its just me, but when I have children, THEY will be the biggest achievement of my life.

Last Night of the Proms will be epic, but my life won't have been pointless if I never get there. I might never get there - part of me worries that I'm not ruthless enough to get to the top, but I know that ultimately, that's not the most important thing to me.

JEB once called me laughably traditional. I think he was probably right. An achievement in and of itself.

Love, etc.
xx

We're All In This Together

2009-06-03T13:55:00.008Z

Something I've realised over the last few weeks is that I'm really not alone in anything - in every single aspect of my life in the last little while I've had support and love from every angle, often hugely unexpected places. One of the instances that really sticks in my mind is The Beautiful Dr sending me an amazingly lovely, very wise response to my *ahem* issues. I don't know her overly well...we've connected more over FB, blogging and absences of our respective boys than we did in real life, but her advice was spot on and so very wise :) Another was The Godfather's wife offering to let me visit with her and the little monkeys (and The Godfather if he could have been tempted away from his Mac) over the half-term, knowing how much I'm missing the little ones in Egham and also how much I've just needed a complete change of scenery and pace this last week.

I know I've written it before, but I truly am blessed by the people around me. So often when my friends are struggling with things and feeling God is giving them no answers, I push them towards their friends - I truly believe that God puts the people around you that you need (or at least, within your reach) reminding me time and again that

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many,
they form one body"
1 Corinthians 12v12

Or, in the immortal words of the HSM kids,

Love, etc.
xx

Pros and Cons

2009-05-31T16:24:00.004Z

I had one of my "moments" the other night about myself, which basically involved me sitting on MSN to one of the girls going "I'm not this, I'm not that, I'm not the other" which she very patiently listened to for about ten minutes. Once I'd finished my rant, she challenged me to list everything I *am* rather than focusing on what (I think) I'm not & put the 2 lists side by side. Pros and Cons of the Beautiful Intellectual, if you will.

The lists ran something like this (slightly edited for the sake of my embarassment/eternal judgement at the hands of my readers)

CONS: (yes, of course I started with the negative stuff!)

getting chubby
thunder thighs (yes, they deserve a listing all of their own they're getting that big)
hair that does very strange things that only resemble curls for abot 5 minutes then just goes frizzy
hate-inducing eyebrows
still living at home with my parents at the age of 22
can't drive

PROS: (and it took a LONG time to get these out of me)

make awesome brownies
good musician
good at my job
determined
easy to get on with
fiercely loyal
good friend

It was a really strange time having to analyse myself - serious, rational introspection is not something I often indulge in, particularly when I realised that I judge myself on hugely shallow attributes that have nothing to do with my value as a person. And then insult everyone around me by expecting them to do the same. I spend far too long focusing on the negatives to realise that no-one else does - they only see in my the positive things it took so long to drag out of myself. I try to make myself what I think others want to see, and, in the process, totally miss that they seem to like what's already there.

So what if I'm getting a bit chubby - clever dressing will cover that. Bad hair day? That's why there are hats/hairbands/paper-bags (joke) But a person who is weak-willed? No make-up can change that. Bad friends can't disguise themselves in color co-ordinated clothes. Loyalty can't be created like a hairstyle can.

No-one can understand [their] mystery. The best you can do is get immersed
in it. It is no use your arguing about pros and cons; dive and know
the depth. Eat and know the taste"
Sri Sathya Sai Baba

I don't think I'll ever stop seeing my cons, and I very much doubt my friends will ever stop impressing upon me my pros, but I'd like to find a happy medium where I know my depths. Where I know myself and like what I've found there. And even if I don't get there, there is one thing I'm sure of, no matter how much I laugh about it - I *am* a daughter of the King of Kings of whom He is proud, no matter how I feel about myself.

love, etc
xx

p.s. and as for the eyebrows...everyone has a cross to bear, right? :p

Possession is 9/10 of the law...

2009-05-27T18:19:00.004Z

But its that other pesky 1/10 that really gets to you...

I was chatting to one of my girls yesterday about possessiveness - there's a girl in our friendship group who's possessiveness is legendary amongst our peers, and she's lost friends over it and alienated others with her attitudes. Having come up against that a number of times, I've struggled hugely to understand it - if there was any jealousy to be felt, it would most logically have been directed AT her, not received FROM her.

I've recently started to understand better her position (outrageously honest moment alert) if only because I've started to become equally possessive over something that is so drastically important to me. The Drummer's ex-girlfriend (to be blunt) properly did one over the fact he was going out with me (not because it was me, just because it was someone other than her) It upset him a huge amount at the time, and he's really appreciated recently her attempts at returning to their old friendship (particularly seeing as how they work together and have a number of the same friends) I, on the other hand, am being a complete cow about the whole situation and would quite willingly damage her if she crossed my path. Its childish I know. He's with me I know. But there's still a part of me that isn't entirely convinced he won't change his mind.

We've had many MANY talks about it (rational on his part, normally prompted by irrational tears on mine) but I'm still not utterly convinced. And not, before you start making assumptions, because he's ever exhibited ANY kind of behaviour to lead me to think that - I'm not convinced he'll stay with me because of how *I* see myself. I try to persuade myself (and him) that I'm concerned because I love him and don't want to lose him, but really, its because I'm hugely insecure when it comes to my self and my self-image. The Drummer watched my previous "relationship" damage me hugely - my self-worth took a massive beating and my self-belief was practically non-existent, and its for that reason that I'm so possessive of him towards The Ex - sometimes I fail to see why he'd stay with me when he could go out with someone else.

In this case, I'm the one who the jealousy should be (and I suspect still slightly is) aimed at, but yet I don't know how to convince myself he's not going anywhere - he can't do anymore than he already does to convince me of that. I need to change how *I* think and act. How *I* see myself. The fact I'm his and he's happy to tell the world so is the 9/10. The other 1/10 is up to me.

So much for the New Years resolution.

love, etc.
xx

Just take some time...

2009-05-25T10:00:00.002Z

One of my favourite times of the day is when I get to sit and go through my Google Reader. That time is my time, even when I'm with The Drummer. Those few minutes are mine to read and think and comment - in the same way writing my blog lets me arrange the thoughts in my own head, reading other blogs gives me new things to think about (and a lot of smiles and laughter at all the cute kiddos)

Some of my favourite blogs are people's tumblrs, as rarely a day goes by without me writing down one or other of the quotes from them in my notebook ready to file away for another day and another blog post (yes, that's the truth...my blogging inspiration is rarely my own. It nearly always comes from other people's quotes *shame*)

One such example was this morning when I read the following

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing

what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book and remembering - because

you can't take it all in at once"

Audrey Hepburn

and for some reason (possibly because I'm in the throes of planning my trip back there) I was reminded of the day my fellow goddesses and I went to the Vatican and the Sistine Chapel. Now, for those of you who have never been, the Sistine Chapel is tucked RIGHT inside the Vatican and takes a good ten minutes walk through the galleries to get to it. Now, when you've been standing in a queue for an hour before the place has even opened, there is, admittedly, a certain amount of impatience to just get to the Sistine Chapel already, bypassing all the tourist bus groups who are stopping to take their pictures and generally be slow. Turns out that in our haste to get to our destination, we missed some epicly beautiful tapestries and carvings. We missed the stunning views out over the city and the pristine Papal Gardens below. We had our eyes so firmly on the prize, we weren't really looking around, and certainly weren't stopping to value and enjoy.

How many of us do that with life?? I'm determined that my trip back this year will reflect my new outlook on life...it might take Miss Africa and I an hour to get from the entrance to the Chapel, but we'll have got to the same place in the end AND we'll have seen everything on the way too.

So yeah, just slow down and look around you. Don't miss the little things just because you're going too fast.

Love, etc.
xx

Setting the summer out in style

2009-05-24T10:00:00.005Z

Summer '09 is going to be good. Possibly better than good. I have a small inkling that its going to be the best ever, if only for these three reasons:

1) celebrating the end of my first term at work directing lighting here:

2) Spending a whole week in the sun with The Drummer (& his LOVELY parents) here:

3) Going back here after 3 years away:

There's also three weddings, plenty of time spent in Egham with my extended family and the small matter of a Take That tour with Sound Man.

I'm pretty sure there'll be a whole lot of this kind of behaviour too:

and hopefully some of this:

DEFINITELY some of this:

and most likely a WHOLE lot of this:

Bring it on.

Love, etc.
xx

I went looking for my ideals outside of myself and discovered its not what the world hold's for you but what you bring to it...

2009-05-23T10:00:00.001Z

I knew this was what I'd call this post just as soon as I read through Lele's post. She's got such a knack of getting some really deep stuff about God and life and being a grown up sprinkled in a day to day post, I love days when she pops up on my reader!!

So without further ado, my first guest post from the lovely Lele:

Hi, y’all! My name is Leann and I want to thank Laura for coming up with this idea of being a guest blogger. I feel honored! I’m from the beautiful state of Arkansas in the Southern U.S. Most people think that my state is full of hillbillies and rednecks and while we do have our share, there are also a lot of classy people here. Like myself. :) Some can even write and speak properly. We do have a lot of strange colloquialisms, but I’ll try to keep that to a minimum here.

While I do love the U.S., I heart England so much. My ancestors came from England, Scotland, and Ireland. I have red hair and turquoise eyes. I’m as pale as they come. I watch BBC-America (LOVE Doctor Who, especially David Tennant) and enjoy British musical artists (in particular, Morrissey). I love Jane Austen and the Bronte Sisters. In 2000, I had the opportunity to visit London and Bath. I was in college at the time and most of the kids in our tour were still in high school. I still had a great time and someday I’d love to go back and take my husband with me. We talk about “moving to Ireland someday” quite a bit. We have lots of dreams...

I have always lived in Arkansas and growing up, I romanticized adulthood. All I wanted to be when I grew up was an adult/mother/housewife/working woman/etc. My parents never explained to me just how hard adulthood is. I dreamed of having a white, three story house with three balconies and a Jacuzzi tub (seriously) by the time I was 25. I poured over house plans before I was even in Junior High school. I just knew I’d do better than my parents financially. I was, after all, going to attend and graduate from college (neither of my parents graduated). Fast forward to today—I wish I could go back to the innocence of my childhood! Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I never thought about bills, working 40+ hours per week, all the inconveniences that pop up when owning your own home, having to wait until you’re in a better financial situation to start having children, realizing your parents’ flaws, admitting you’re overweight and submitting to an exercise regimen, disappointment when your dreams don’t come true, etc. Sometimes I wonder if the disadvantages outweigh the advantages...

And then there are very adult issues such as depression, with which I was recently diagnosed. I get it honest...my dad's side of the family is filled with depressives, so it was bound to happen. After the diagnosis, I realized I’ve probably been depressed for a very long time but only recently have I had a difficult time dealing with it. There are only a few times in my adult life where I can remember being genuinely happy. I know that God never promised us happiness; He promised us joy but not necessarily happiness. But even still, I have a hard time understanding why I’ve only been happy during a few periods of my life. I do want to get better and am working on it, but I think it’s going to take longer than I want.

Another weird thing is that I STILL don’t feel like a grown-up. Am I the only one? I mean, I just turned 30 in March and you’d think that I would feel like a grown-up. But I don’t. I still feel like maybe I should be in college...it’s almost as if my brain isn’t progressing as fast as it should. Shouldn’t I mentally feel like a 30-year-old? I do feel like a 30-year-old physically (*groan*) but not in my heart and head. Someone once told me that you never truly feel grown until your parents pass on. If that is the case, I hope I don’t feel like an adult for a long time. I sometimes wonder if having children will change this. I guess we have to see when that time comes.

I currently work as a technical writer for a government agency (it’s not as exciting as it sounds) but the last few years I’ve had this vision of being a freelance or book editor. I’d also love to own a used bookstore in an antebellum home. I don’t know if these goals will ever be realized, but at least I have something to strive for. I wonder if that’s why I don’t feel completely grown. If you achieve all of your goals, do you then feel satisfied and grown up? I doubt it.

Someday when my future kids are old enough, I will probably warn them of the dangers of idealizing adulthood. I don’t want to discourage them by saying, “You are so lucky! Just wait until you’re an adult. Then you’ll see how hard life is.” No, I do not want to be a downer. But I do want to be real and I want my kids to know that life is hard work and is what you make of it. I just hope that I’m a good example of that and can live my life to the fullest. I hope I can help them from making the same mistakes I did. I know that God is with me and if I let Him work in me, then I’ll have the best life possible...better than I could have chosen for myself.

From us both,
Love, etc.
xx

All roads lead to Rome...

2009-05-22T22:00:00.001Z

Do you ever wonder sometimes in life whether you've ever strayed too far from the path allotted to you?

When something seems to good to be true and you follow it then it all goes wrong, does it ever make you question whether it really had been too good to be true and you weren't meant to be doing it at all?

Something I've learn in the last few weeks is that things are nearly always too good to be true. There's nearly always a catch. But its what you decide to do when faced with that catch that matters I think. Everyone over-idealises situations in their lives, but it takes real guts to face up and admit that its not what you thought but that you'll work with it anyway.

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always
reach my destination"
James Dean

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. When I said all roads lead to Rome, what I really meant was all roads lead to mixing sound for Last Night of the Proms. Somehow.

Coffee & Chat (part 6)

2009-05-07T19:14:00.005Z

I always thought turning the other cheek was a lesson about humility and submission. Turns out its not. Not really.

Turns out that if someone is struck with the back of the hand puts them in their place as a servant, but if you turn the other cheek, that forces the person to strike you with the flat of their hand, the move of a fair fight, which places you as their equal. If someone demanded your cloak and you gave them your undergarments too, they would be causing you to be naked, which was one of the biggest taboos of the time and put them firmly in the wrong for asking it of you.

And as for going the extra mile?? Did you know that Roman centurions were allowed to make the local peasants carry their packs while they marched? But that if the peasants passed out/collapsed whilst doing so, the Centurion would be court marshalled??

Its amazing how fresh a perspective can be brought to a situation through an understanding shoulder to cry on, a cup of coffee and some tlc

love, etc.
xx

No Regrets (a.k.a. Time Flies When You're Having Fun)

2009-05-06T19:10:00.004Z

And once again, my blog becomes cliche central!! With good reason today though - I only realised when the mothership pointed it out that I left Egham 5 months ago. Somehow, its May. HOW?! HOW IS IT MAY!! THAT MEANS ITS ALMOST JUNE WHICH IS HALF A FLIPPING YEAR!!

What have I done in the last 5 months? And how has it gone so fast? And why am I not prouder of myself that I'm successfully standing on my own two feet (away from Egham) starting a new life for myself (more or less away from Egham)?!

I have never been surer of anything in my life than I was that leaving Egham at Christmas was the right thing for me to do. Its rare for me to feel called to do something (it means God is shouting REALLY loud) but ohmigosh was I scared. To leave the place that I'd called home for 4 years, and to make that decision in a matter of days. Scared doesn't really begin to describe it - I had nothing to leave for apart from a feeling, and an awful lot to stay for, including a job, somewhere to leave and my life there.

The last time I was making a hugely life-changing move that I was resisting very much (Petersfield to Egham) (ironic I know that the reverse was then so hard!), I was given a very good piece of advice - look back, but never turn back. I know that when I go back to Egham (yes, when) (as if that was ever in doubt!) I won't be an English student who does sound in her spare time. I'll be a Sound Engineer. I'll be an adult. I'll have a different place in the same ever-growing, ever-loving family that I left behind me 5 months ago. I'll still be me, I'll just be a different me.

I might not be Laura Robins though...

love, etc.
xx

Just incase I was in any doubt...

2009-04-30T21:06:00.003Z

I've spent a lot of time doubting this last week. Not so much "any doubt" as "an awful lot of doubt that occasionally flickers in to certainty" (and not in a good way) And its mostly my own fault.

*backtrack* On my first day, I almost quit. 10 minutes in, I had so much on my plate that I just wanted to curl up in a little ball and cry What I didn't share at the time was the reasons why I didn't (apart from good old-fashioned pig-headedness and refusing to be beaten by something so mundane as not having the faintest clue about how to do anything I'd been asked to do)

*present day* for future reference, I spend a lot of my time (well, a little bit of my time) sitting in the foyer feeling exhausted and trying to blend in and look like I'm working really hard (which rarely, if ever, works, as sitting and doing nothing is not a part of my job description...)

*backtrack* so I'm sitting there on my first day wondering what on God's green earth I've got myself in to when some random guy walks in (on your first day in a new school, there are LOTS of random guys) and introduced himself as the pastor of Petersfield Christian Fellowship & told me that they book out The Studio once a month for a worship meeting and would that be something I'd be interested in working on. Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 1.

*still backtracked but forward a little* to the first day of the easter holidays. Having gone through The Studio diary and realised just how many (few) free weekends I had this term to see The Drummer and just how heavy all the set seems to be, I was starting to have another major wobble. When the guy I'm taking over from ups and comes out as a Christian, leading to a long conversation about how to manage the job AND still get to church on a Sunday (answer...with some difficulty, careful arrangement and overcoming the tiredness to go out again after you're at home on the sofa) Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 2.

*present day -2* with a very tired quite unhappy Beautiful Intellectual after a rehearsal where nothing had gone right, the lights were all over the place and The Boss had gotten mildly irate that we opened in 2 days and had still not done a full run-through of the play yet. I had a very long very tearful conversation with The Drummer when I got home where I was wondering how much longer I could cope with the job and he was trying to persuade me not to quit. He asked what had happened to all the confidence I'd had over the Affirmations That I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All, and that just upset me even more because I hadn't felt I'd had any in so long. I had a little grumpy "well I wish I could have some more" strop, stamped my foot a bit, and went to bed.

*present day -1* Literal staggered in to school. Seriously lacking the energy to place one foot in front of the other, let alone put in a full days work then have a Dress Rehearsal. Fired off a few txts to The Gang, not expecting a huge amount other than sympathetic noises (which was really what I was after) and instead got informed that they were having a day of prayer and would be praying for me all day. Yesterday, nothing could go wrong. The Dress Rehearsal ran (from my point of view) like a dream and I didn't feel so tired or so emotional (and if you don't believe me, just ask The Drummer. I was *definitely* in a good mood last night) It hit me like a hard-hitting thing (WHAT?! I've worked 112 hours in 10 days with no time off. Give a girl a break for not coming up with a more creative simile!) that that was Affirmation that I Was Meant To Be Doing This After All Number 3 - when I remembered to ask for prayer, God stepped in again.

It reminded me of something Mrs Shep always tells me - prayer works, but only if you pray. And just incase I needed reminding, today I got Affirmations 4, 5, 6 and 7 (The Drummer,'s patience and love and encouragement for me when I was having a pre-show meltdown, a perfect first run with the lighting, Little Miss Dance sorting out the slideshow for the event immediately following the matinee and a fantastic site team who totally picked up the pieces from my *small* error (setting of the fire alarms all around the site with the smoke machine) with no problems)

Four in a day. In case I needed reminding that all I need to do is ask.

Love, etc.
xx

A mixed bag

2009-04-23T18:59:00.003Z

I'm so tired today I can barely tell which way is up, let alone what day of the week it is. And even at the times that my brain registers it's Thursday, there's no point in thinking about the weekend, as such a phenomena does not appear in my diary now until the end of May. I don't think I need to have another Pollyanna Day, as even when I'm flicking through my diary bemoaning how full it is, the Drummer's visits are highlighted in bright yellow & jump out of the business to make me smile.

That hectic busyness means that, yes, I'm totally and utterly exhausted 4 days in to term - as if starting work wasn't enough, on my second day in the job, I had to direct lighting at Portsmouth Guildhall for Rock Challenge, which meant a 7am departure from school and a midnight return to Petersfield. BUT. It meant that I got to direct lighting AT PORTSMOUTH GUILDHALL. On my SECOND DAY IN THE JOB.

That hectic busyness means that I seriously feel like I'm neglecting my friends, I feel cut off from Egham and, when I'm having a serious pity party, I feel neglected and like no-one is even missing me. BUT. The hectic busyness means that the days are flying by. I'm learning TONNES and each gig I get offered is more exciting than the last (slight lie there because nothing has yet beaten Rock Challenge, but that was pretty much a one off) (apart from when I get to do it again at the Southern Finals at the end of May) (and again at the Sheffield Arena at the beginning of July if we place in the top 6 in the Southern Finals) (Yes, directing lighting at the SHEFFIELD ARENA at the end of my first term. Yes)

That hectic busyness means that the Drummer is getting quite a lame deal of a girlfriend at the moment. Today he called me at lunchtime "just to hear my voice while I was awake," because all I've done for the last 5 nights is fall asleep on the phone to him. Literally (which has apparently made for some very interesting conversations that I have no recollection of...) (I totally get my own back every morning though while I GET TO WORK at 0745 and then call him to WAKE HIM UP. Yes. Exactly) The lame deal extends to having to sit and watch while I pack down the set when he's come to spend the weekend after a show week...the lame deal extends to a lot of "I miss your face/hugs/voice txts...the lame deal extends to him being almost as sleepy as me as he sits up waiting for me to get to bed and call him just so he knows I got home ok. But he gets to see me grow and thrive in a job we both know I was made for and was called to do. So he's ok with that.

As am I.

Love, etc.
xx

Organisation

2009-04-16T12:21:00.005Z

I got asked the other day how I manage to juggle work & a social life in Hampshire with a social life in Surrey along with a boyfriend and a small but growing freelance career in both counties.

Answer?? Bang goes the social life. The boyfriend is getting increasingly used to seeing me sleep since by the time I get to him I'm normally shattered.

Sensible answer?? Like this:

My life is split across that stack, and calls on my best OCD tendencies to make sure nothing overlaps and clashes and that nothing gets missed. At any one time, making plans involves at least 2 of the above, if not more, with my PDA (mostly home & freelance use) and Work Daily Planner (obviously Work) being the 2 most essential items. If I lost either, I think the world would end. Its not a chance I'm willing to take! But then my jotter is always within a few feet of me to scribble down things I need to do, blog ideas, shopping lists, adresses and phone numbers etc, and my freelance book & work notebooks are never far behind incase the phone rings with bookings and/or changes of plan. So really, all 5 are never far from my grasp.

Sanity, however, is retreating rapidly. And I'd quite like it back! Routine, feel free to emerge, any time you feel good and ready. I'm waiting for you.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. you know you've MADE IT in my life when you're a social arrangement highlighted in yellow in my work planner because you are immovable. Aren't you the special ones!!

Family Matters

2009-04-15T10:15:00.006Z

Yesterday I had the loveliest day - lunch with my big sister, hot chocolate with my mum and a quick chat with dad about how his morning show had been while he fixed her computer, then cooked dinner with my little sister & had family film night with mum & dad and my little brother and said sister.

And the best thing about all of it?? Not one of them is actually related to me. My big sister adopted me when she was a finalist and I was a little Fresher dead scared of her and most of the rest of my Alpha group (I believe the bonding moment was the moment where we both collapsed in uncontrolable giggles at her phrase "well that's just a whole nother can of baked beans" Shep got mildly frustrated, and we just laughed more) My hot chocolate mum was one of my babysitting parents until we bceame prayer partners & now I come and go from their house as and when I'm free. The computer-fixing dad isn't married to my hot chocolate mum - he's actually one half of my original university parents who took me under their wing during my first year, feeding me and lending me their very gorgeous little ones whenever I wanted to play on the swings. And as for Mum, Dad and my little brother & sister - they've become my second family in the last eighteen months.

And where did I get all these extra family members from?? You've heard me say on here before that St Johns chanaged my life. These people adopted me and haven't looked back since. They've taught me a lot about myself and the world; they've looked after me and built me up and taught me to stand on my own two feet; they've given me love and support so totally above and beyond friendship.

They are truly the embodiment of the ideal church. One of my friends is struggling at the moment with the concept of church - feeling on the outskirts; not being looked after; not seeing the lauded ideal of "the family of Christ" and everytime we talk about it, I realise how lucky I am to have fallen so hard and so solidly on my feet that I have a home away from home & second third and fourth families to look after me.

There is a verse that goes something like,

"in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others"

Romans 12v5

I want to make people feel that welcome - I have work to do with some people, lots of work to do with others. But we're all called to work that out in our lives, so I've realised its about time I did.

Join me?? Because family matters.

Love, etc.

I saw this..

2009-04-14T10:46:00.003Z

So a few years ago (possibly a good few years ago) the Royal Mail ran an ad campaign around the idea of "I saw this and thought of you" Obviously you were to then send said thing to said person via Royal Mail. The cynic in me saw this for what it was - a blatant plug to get more revnue for the Royal mail as email and other forms of virtual communication were on the increase. However, the increasingly (vomit-inducing) soppy side of me actually loves the idea. How many times a day do you see something that makes you think about someone, or reminds you of a situation with a person, or a memory of a certain time? Answer - often. Daily. More than daily. Very regularly at least.

Yesterday alone I had the following:

reading a magazine to be confronted with a double-page spread of turquoise dresses and accessories that made me think of Blue Eyes.
playing Top Golf with The Drummer & being reminded of going to play this time last year with my Littlest One & the now infamous "BUT THAT'S NOT MY BALL" incident.
Watching Family Guy and hearing someone pity the fool, Mr T style & feeling the need to txt (soon to be) Mr Bean & remind him of our afternoon of bonding while he got his (Mr T) outfit for Bean's 21st.

and I'm sure there were many more.

BUT. How often do you then do something about it? It doesn't have to be to send the thing to the person, but to acknowledge it in some way? A txt. A message. Opening your mouth and telling them. Its not that difficult to make the effort & make them smile. And it might just make their day.

Love, etc.

Annnnd relax...

2009-04-08T10:00:00.002Z

Last weekend, The Drummer took me home to meet his parents. I have to admit, I was utterly TERRIFIED at this prospect, despite all his reassurances that they would love me, if only because he did, let alone any other reason. He very nearly had to drag me out the car when we got there, but within literally minutes of arriving, I was curled up on the sofa teasing him about how proud he'd been introducing me to his parents (seriously...was so CUTE!)

Mummy J & Daddy J couldn't have been more welcoming or put me more at my ease & I don't think they could have spoilt the two of us much more than they did, both with the amount of time they spent with us and with the FOOD! Bacon & Pancakes for breakfast, a HUGE chinese takeaway for dinner (with the MOTHER of all Pancake rolls) and a truly delicious roast on Sunday. OH, and an Easter Egg each to bring home with us. They could not have loved on us any more if they had tried!!

It was an amazing weekend, not just because of the welcome I received, but also because of this:

and this:

Weymouth is a beautiful place. and I seriously cannot wait to go back and spend some more time there. The weekend was SO relaxing - totally stress-free & so peaceful. I didn't go near a computer once, and left my phone at the house for the whole time, mostly turned off. It was a total retreat from my crazybusy life and was SO good for me!!

I will return. I *will*.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. Mummy J & Daddy J - this one's for you
xx

Working Girl.

2009-04-07T21:20:00.005Z

10 months of unemployment sure does stew your brain cells. A challenge 2 months ago used to consist of rewriting my CV to tie-in with any given job spec three or four times a day. A challenge now means "here's a lighting plan from Debs (who's on maternity leave) can you rig it for me. Oh, and Rock Challenge is on the second day of next term - can you start work on a lighting plan for that. And get the diary dates for Place of the Pigs in your planner because that needs to be rigged at the end of the first week of term" And that was just my first five minutes on my first day (I kid you not...I've never felt more like curling up in a ball and sobbing than I did after that "induction meeting")

Hitting the ground running understates what is looking like a marathon between now and half-term. Now and the summer really, as my diary is full right up until then, culminating in my first "outside broadcast" in the last week of term. I swing between thinking I'm absolutely crazy for thinking I can do this job and being so very very excited every time I open the doors and see *my* theatre.

There have been many panicked messages to The Drummer & frequent questioning of Sound Man & RJ as to whether the wanting to curl up in a ball & cry/crawl into a hole & give up/hibernate will go away, but each and every time I've been met with an overwhelming response. Sometimes (mostly) earthly - a well-timed txt, or our lovely caretaker making LUSH chocolate cake & leaving it in the staff room, or finding the right person on site to answer my question, but at the times I've been panicking worst, God has turned round and just smacked me right back into place. These instances include being introduced to the pastor of a local church who meet in the theatre once a month right at the time I was txting The Drummer wondering whether I'd made a mistake accepting the job, or chatting to the guy I'm taking over from about the anti-social hours, getting upset and changing the topic to just passing the time of day and discovering he's a Christian & then getting an opportunity to chat about juggling the work and going to church. Its made me realise all over again that God won't be giving me more than I can handle (but that, since its me, its more than possible I'm severely underestimating myself)

A day at a time, as I do more things and realise that a) I do know what I'm doing for most of it and b) what I don't know, I can quickly learn, I'm calming down, relaxing slightly, and even today, for the first time, enjoying it.

Maybe by next Easter, I'll have settled down!!

Love, etc.
xx

Love is...

2009-03-30T14:42:00.004Z

I learnt a lot about love this weekend.

Love isn't big expensive gestures. Love isn't being lavished with gifts. Love isn't bunches of flowers, no matter how perfect any or all of the above are.

Love is going out of your way to give my god-daughter a lift to Ashburnham, even though it meant you were caught up so badly in the Friday traffic.

Love is knowing when I need a neck rub to calm me down.

Love is spending your free time doing tech work I should have done to make sure I got some free time too.

Love is sitting in the dark with me when I have a migraine, holding me and rubbing my forehead when that technically broke all the purpling rules.

Love is getting my hot chocolate once I'm upright again because moving hurts my head.

Love is you, Mr Drummer Boy. And I'm so glad you're all mine.

Love, etc.
xx

Problematic

2009-03-28T12:10:00.003Z

I love being a Sound Engineer. I actually love it - I love music and how it all works together, I love mixing the different instruments together to make it sound good, I love the process of starting with an empty room and ending up with an awesome band blaring out the speakers.

The one thing I don't like about being a Sound Engineer is the stress. Not the stress of an event - that gets my adrenaline going and gives me the kicks to get going and get everything rigged. More the stress that I put myself under. Some of it healthy to make sure that everything is planned & all the kit gets on the van, most of it much less healthy that just ties me up in knots and makes me panic.

This weekend I'm doing a regular gig - I've done it exactly the same before, for the same clients with the same kit in the same venue. I've even got pretty much the same band as before, yet still I ended up in a flat spin yesterday while I was rigging. I could do it in my sleep, yet I still need Shep to dive in and help me before I lost the plot - I stressed myself out totally unnecessarily over something I know I could do. Even the AV side of things (which is still a bit new to me & still fills me with dread when I'm using any system other than that which I've been trained on) is all do-able (once I was provided with a laptop that actually WORKED) but yet I found myself in tears when I was prepping kit yesterday morning because I couldn't at that point see it working. Yet if I'd stopped to think about it logically, there was no need to panic. There were so many other solutions if Plan A hadn't worked. Its just occurred to me that technology is what makes this all so complicated - if the technology doesn't work, then that's that. New plan needed. But without technology, I'd be without a job. That I happen to love very much. So instead of dispensing with technology, I think I'll dispense with the panic. OK?

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunlight

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Love, etc.

I'm so proud!

2009-03-25T13:27:00.010Z

Today I proudly present (with HUGE thanks to Nessa)...my first blogging award!!

The Rules:

As an award recipient, I am asking you to do the following:

List seven things that you love and then pass the award on to seven bloggers that you love! Be sure to tag them and let them know they have won. You can copy the picture of the award and paste it on your sideboard letting the whole world know...you are Kreativ!

So my 7 things...

Music

I love most kinds of music...singing it, playing it, listening to it, mixing it...I love how it all fits together and I *love* the shiver you get down your spine from certain melodies/harmonies. Love it.

GodHe's kind of important in my life. Without Him, I wouldn't have gone to St Johns...the rest is history.

Hugs

I don't think I function properly without my hugs and cuddles. From the kids, from The Drummer. From pretty much anyone really. Its all about the cuddles.

My FriendsAin't that the truth!!

Sound Desks

Because I am officially a geek. But that's my job. So I get to do what I love all day every day. And I don't think it gets much better than that!!

TechnologyIn all its forms, I am a fan. Living away from the majority of my friends (and my boy) I pretty much rely on technology to keep me sane. I am rarely far from an internet connection and never more than a foot away from my phone.

The kids

Babysitting is, without doubt, one of the things I miss most now I'm back home, and seeing them all and getting so many hugs and excited "guess what? guess whats?" everytime I go visit is one of the best things in the world :)

And as for my 7 favourite bloggers...that's kinda tough!! In no particular order now,

* Miss Blue Eyes

* Miss Musing

* Lele

* BlueBelle

* Sarcastiscally Optimistic

* Ariel

* Lily

So there we go. Enjoy your awards ladies, and keep up the good work!!

Coffee & Chat** (part 5)

2009-03-24T15:17:00.003Z

"Do not mistake the edge of the rut for the horizon"

Lesley Garrett used to annoy the hell out of me, particularly when she got to dance with Mr du Beke every week, so I wasn't best pleased when she started turning up on Loose Women. However, I am totally and utterly converted to her these days - she's actually hilarious and I see a lot of myself in her (i.e. verbal diarrhea, constant hysterical gigling, wildly inappropriate with gorgeous men, constant singing etc) and really respected her today when they were talking about their mottos for life.

Things might feel like they're in a rut right now, but you can't stop once you get to the top of the rut. Once you're up there, there's a new horizon to aim for. Further away than you think is possible, sure, but didn't you think that the top of the rut was impossible just a short time ago??

Love, etc.
xx

**OK, so I was having lunch and they were having coffee & chatting on the tv, but still...
x

Taking my life off hold...

2009-03-21T19:40:00.003Z

I was reading Miss Blue Eyes' latest blog this morning & thinking about what she said when I realised why I'm quite so excited about having a job - I can finally take my life off hold.

Since I applied for my first job last May, I've been constantly waiting for interviews/call backs/employment offers and not been able to make big plans because of such uncertainty over what I'd be doing when. That uncertainty meant no holidays, however big or small last summer because I didn't know when I may or may not be starting work. That uncertainty meant I couldn't move in with friends last September because money was so short and I didn't know where or when it would next appear. That uncertainty meant I was confined to being within a day's travel of London and/or Egham (I know, totally not that much of a chore to me!) incase I was called for interview.

Suddenly, now I have a job, this has all changed - I can plan trips to the seaside for Easter and daytrips to London over the summer. I'm thinking about Soul Survivor as a very real possibility and definitely planning a trip back to Rome with Miss Africa. I can afford to be spontaneous and go shopping for the day in the sunshine.

Its not about the money, although that does bring with it a certain freedom that I've been lacking these last 10 months. Its more about relaxing into and enjoying the freedom of the structure beginning to reappear after so long without it.

Its possible this thought made more sense in my head...

Love, etc.
xx

Coming to expect the unexpected

2009-03-20T12:51:00.006Z

I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that there's no point in trying to second guess God - the biggest things that have happened/are happening in my life were completely unseen. I had no idea when I left Egham to come home for 2 days for Bugsy Malone that it would end up with me leaving for good. I didn't know that when I left The Crown on my last night in Egham that I would end up going out with The Drummer less than a month later (although his txt about an hour after we left did give the game away a little bit...) I had very little faith that there was a point in submitting my application form to TPS 3 days after the closing date, but they called me the next day to offer me an interview.

I like to believe He does the same with people too by the way. I came across a quote the other day from Little Miss reminding me that

...certain people enter our lives at the most peculiar times, for the most beautiful reasons.
They seem to make such perfect impressions whilst leaving behind an everlasting impact. Some of the best things in life appear when you least expect them...

I was reminded of it again last night when I was trying to field conversations with three of my best friends - a very upset god-daughter having a crisis that I just had no answers for, my littlest one having a good old fashioned bad day and needing cheering up and Miss Africa scared about injections & operations. I didn't have answers for any of them, and just couldn't seem to say anything to help. I in turn was getting upset to The Drummer, who did what he does best - called me to cheer me up. Just hearing his voice, particularly hearing the concern in it, brought my smile back. His prayers for me and the girls meant that I was able to send them off to bed smiling (more or less) and cheer up myself before going to sleep.

I was busy having my own crisis that I didn't have answers and couldn't help that I forgot the advice I give my girls so often - we will never be tested beyond what we can handle. I didn't need to have the answers; I just needed to listen & be there. That's all they needed, and that's what I was (eventually) able to do. I've been given everything I need to cope with what's thrown at me. And someone to remind me that I've got it all when I forget.

I guess it all comes down to knowing Who knows what is best for you.

Love, etc.
xx

Perfection in the face of desperation, or, Why I should stop trying and start trusting.

2009-03-17T00:11:00.009Z

I need to sleep. Really need to sleep. Today has been exhausting & my nerves and emotions are shot. But first, let me introduce you to my new office...

Desperation meant I was searching school websites for study supervisors when I saw that TPS wanted a Theatre Technician. Desperation meant that I cried when I saw it had closed 3 days earlier. Desperation meant I applied for it anyway. And perfection meant that I got called for interview the next day.

Desperation meant that when my interview got rescheduled last week, I lost the plot (and when I say "lost the plot," I mean in a seriously absolutely totally spectacularly I-am-an-epic-failure-at-life kinda way...) Perfection meant that I had 5 extra days to learn as much as I could about lighting (perfection also meant that I needed to know barely any of it during my interview!)

Desperation meant I was totally honest about how much prayer I needed. Perfection meant I was surrounded and covered by it & was constantly reminded all day just how blessed I am with my friends.

Desperation meant that when he hadn't called by 1700, I gave up on hearing today. Perfection meant that we'd just sat down to eat when he called & The Drummer & my parents were all there to celebrate with me.

Desperation has become all too familiar to me recently. But from here on in?? I'm going to stop trying and start trusting and just see what happens. Because what's happened so far is pretty damn good.

Love, etc.
xx

Funny how things turn out...

2009-03-15T21:17:00.005Z

Bluebelle's little sister looked around our old university yesterday, and when we were chatting about it over lunch today, I asked her why she'd chosen it as a potential college for her degree. Her answer? "Because its really pretty" It was quite amusing, particularly as that's pretty much the reason her elder sister chose said university to study at. A quick straw poll round the table established that the majority of people chose it because "it was pretty" (even The Drummer) (although he protests that he didn't say pretty...) **

I have to admit that I, for one, wasn't keen on the idea of a London university. And by not keen, I mean utterly totally dead set against it. To the point of having a minor coronary every time someone suggested one of the London colleges to fill the last gap on my UCAS form. I didn't want to live in London. I didn't want to work in London. I just didn't want to be anywhere near London. The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever refused to take no for an answer when she told me that RoHo was the perfect place for me. The ensuing conversation went something along the following lines...

Karen (because there was no way I was typing out The Best Careers Advisor In The World Ever every other line) : I think you should consider it
Me: But its London. I Don't. Want. London.
Karen: Stop being so stroppy with me. Go and look at the website and come back in half an hour a better reason for not applying than "I don't want to"

*loads website*

*slinks back in to Karen's office 2 minutes later*

Me: OK, so when are we sending off my complete UCAS form.

To give her her due, she's never once to this day said I told you so. And she totally could have done. Because she did. Just for that one little conversation, everything today could be so very different. Yes, she knew me very well and knew I wasn't going to fly off the handle at her pushing me, but even so, she still dared to push me. Who do you need to push today??

In my defence though, when faced with this

and this

its hardly surprising I caved.

Oh, and I'm totally over the London thing.

Funny how things turn out.

love, etc.
xx

** the fact that two of the guys tried to claim it was chosen for course content is, I feel, slightly beside the point. They're boys. And at least one of them was fibbing (The other claimed monetary reasons, which were entirely utterly plausable...)

Understanding, or, When Things Suddenly Fall Into Place

2009-03-05T16:40:00.004Z

The Godfather is one of my biggest fans (he has to be...its in the job description) but even he couldn't contain his laughter when we were chatting earlier about Skegness (goodness knows why!) & I shared with him part of The Epic Tale Of Our Journey In The Big Red Machine. That tale in its entirety is to be kept for another time, but suffice to say, the bit he found amusing was where I had to be taught where Skegness was. When I was on my way there. Yes. Apparently its nowhere near Blackpool. In my defence, Geography has never been my strong point...

In an attempt to curb his laughter, I shared a few other examples of my slowness in understanding, in the hope that he would see that its a) not my fault I'm a bit dim and b) that its not that funny. Turns out a) it may or may not be my fault I'm a bit dim but that b) it certainly is that funny. So what if I grew up in a Christian home on a healthy diet of The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe and it still took me 22 years to work out why its always winter and never Christmas?! Or that the phrase "no room to swing a cat" doesn't actually refer to felines?! Or being on the London Eye and realising (i.e. being told) that the pods rotate so they stay upright rather than going upside down at the top. Or...I think I might stop now**.

I had another such moment where everything falls into place this morning when I was reading. I have to admit, I've fallen prey to popularist culture (I know, so very rare for me!), and yesterday picked up a copy of The Shack, which is the latest Christian fad in popular literature. When it comes to "Christian novels" I am all sorts of a skeptic, and have resisted thus far, but I was bored, and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I'm only about halfway through and have yet to lose my skepticism. I did almost waver and give in this morning though when I read the following lines,

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within
their ability to fly, not the other way round...You, on the other hand, were created
to be loved. So for you, to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the
other way round....Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its
ability to fly" The Shack by WM Paul Young

I know everyone blathers on about no-one loving you unless you love yourself, but I genuinely believe that unless you are loved, unless you experience what it is to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed, you can't fully understand what love is. And when you have it, everything does fall in to place and you realise that you can fly. Not that you ever couldn't, it just helps when you have someone believing in you.

Love, etc.
xx

** OK, so the London Eye thing was a bit dim, but the rest of them still stand.

Normal

2009-03-03T12:04:00.004Z

If you've ever spent any length of time with my family, you'll know that the phrase "you don't have to be mad to live here but it helps" could have been written about our household. Its a running joke that none of us have emerged to join the real world "normal," for after all, what is normal?? ** All jokes aside though, I was thinking about this the other night - what is normal?? Normal is sitting on the sofa Facebooking while The Drummer watches Top Gear. Normal is coffee in Neros and seeing half of St Johns walk past the window. Normal is Sunday night in the pub with the gang.

But normal is also walking in through the front door to the comforting smell of "home," normal is my own space and all my stuff around me, normal is Thursday Coffee with The Godfather. What is normal??

Egham is normal. Petersfield is normal. And spending so much time in both recently has just made me realise how special normal can be. Life will never be entirely normal while I split my life between two counties, but I'm detemined to enjoy the normalcy in amongst the madness.

Love, etc.
xx

** I would like to clarify that I am, in fact, the most normal of all of us. Yes.

Habits

2009-02-19T18:00:00.004Z

I was having a chat with my Littlest One the other night about habits and why they're so hard to break. I've got to be honest...I am probably THE worst person to talk to about changing habits - I am appallingly bad at changing the way I think about things, even if it would be much better for me to do so. This personality trait leads to the infuriation of my friends (at best) and large amounts of hurt for me (at worst) but it is, even so, a habit in and of itself I suppose.

Its easy to talk about things with my Littlest One because she really is like the other half of my brain to the extent that her brain can unscramble what my brain is trying to say (and quite often say it back to me in a way that actually makes sense) so when she was met with the comment "it might be a bit broken but at least it definitely still functions so why try and fix it" she knew what I was trying to say - often we don't change our habits because we don't want to *quite* enough. It doesn't hurt *quite* enough to force us through the process of change...it won't benefit us *quite* enough to warrant the effort...its not *quite* what we really want to do, even if its right. And we all do it. And we all suffer. And most of us never learn. And even if we do learn, we never learn *quite* enough and, oh. We're back there again.

Sometimes, however, there is incentive enough to overcome that barrier, and in my experience, its sadly only either extreme pain to ourselves or to those we care about that can make the change. Our worst enemies when it comes to changing our thoughts and habits are our own brains, and it takes a LOT to change how they're wired. For example, when I had Glandular Fever (mono for all you Yanks) I got depression and a wierdy death complex that prevented me from ever being alone (including at night) or I started having panic attacks. This, at the age of 17, was significantly NOT. COOL. I had school counselling. I had church counselling. I had peer counselling (of a VERY rough and ready variety) but nothing worked until one day out of desperation, I chose to rewrite my brain. I wore, for 3 or 4 months, a hair elastic round my wrist - one of the ones with the little metal bit on it - and pinged it against myself every time I started to panic. Believe me, it HURTS (if you don't believe me, go try it. Not fun) and eventually it worked. My brain started to associate its irrational thoughts about death with that pain, and eventually it changed the way it thought. The pain was enough to overcome the habit.

A more recent (and slightly happier) example is The Drummer quitting smoking (for which I am SO SO proud of him for doing) He gave up, full on cold-turkey on New Years Day and for 15 days didn't touch a cigarette. A minor indescretion occurred the night before we got together that ended up in a few cigarettes being smoked. Bean will testify that I lost the plot. Tears were very nearly shed. I was so disappointed for him because he'd done so well BUT the knowledge of how upset it made me means he hasn't smoked since (possibly also the COMPLETE certainity he has of not gettting kisses if he tastes like an ash-tray) Jokes aside, he knows how much it upsets me, and that's helped him overcome the habit. To the extent where, when I said if he ended up smoking with the boys in Canada, that would be ok as long as he didn't come back and not be able to stop again, he said he still wouldn't (yes, he's amazing. I know) (and all mine)

Those were genuinely the only examples that came to mind for reasons for having changed habits which is a bit sad. Plenty more examples came for people who want to change because they're hurting other people - why why WHY does it come to this before we find the incentive for change??

I can answer my own question there - because its so darn hard. And it is. It really really is, even when it comes to the good stuff - I know people who have struggled so so much with the concept of God loving them enough to forgive them anything they've repented of...I know people who struggle to accept the love of their other half, even when everyone else around them can see it a mile off. I'm totally guilty of that one myself - its a constant surprise that The Drummer misses me/cares about me/wants to be with me as I do him, and I totally put that down to damage caused by previous habits I could never quite change - that's my incentive to change how I think about myself: the damage caused to my heart and my thoughts by my old habits could seriously jeopardise the present (and that would really REALLY suck, because I kinda like this one!)

You've got to look around and see who else is hurting too. Hurting FOR you, because you don't hurt enough for yourself. And you have to also believe you're worth the change, because those people believe it of you, but that's not quite enough. The change, ultimately, comes from you. Because you ARE quite enough. You have quite enough in you to do it.

And even if you don't always believe in yourself, He does. Always has done, and always will.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12v9

Love, etc.
xx

A New Perspective

2009-02-17T19:45:00.005Z

“Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. Indecision limits the Almighty and His ability to perform miracles in your life. He has put the vision in you — proceed. To wait, to wonder, to doubt. To be indecisive is to disobey God.” Andy Andrews

I came across this this morning, courtesy of Little Miss. I have to be honest, I've never ever thought about it all like this before. And I think Mr Andrews might be right. If I think about it, without God (via St Johns) (and associated opportunities), there'd be no knowledge of sound engineering, let alone such a passion for it. So why do I doubt that there's a long-term plan involving it??

Enough waiting. Enough wondering. Enough doubt. Time to DO (and that goes for the rest of you too...its not just me getting my butt into gear...come join me)

Love, etc.
xx

Converted

2009-02-16T00:05:00.006Z

I am, at heart, a cynic. About a lot of things. And Valentines Day is definitely one of them. I'm well up there with the best of them - why should there be just one day of the year when your other half is reminded by every shop they go in how much they love you/how lucky they are to have you/what you mean to them. Oh, and that they NEED to be reminded of that?! No thanks.

But.

After yesterday, I am forever converted. As most of you bloggers/tweeps know, The Drummer is snowboarding in Canada right now (something to do with it having been booked months before we got together when he was still pretty sure I wasn't going to go out with him) (long story to be shared another time) (if he lets me) so I knew that I wasn't even going to be able to talk to him let alone see him and spend Valentines Day with him. It was still the best. one. ever. I thought 2 years ago when I got a Lego rose from my sister that that was pretty cool, but no. On Sat
urday, I was woken by Interflora delivering these:

For a cynic, I was very very tearfully happy.

Yay, real flowers from my boy for Valentines Day :) But not just that. Not even mostly that (although they are STUNNING and keep making me smile everytime I walk in my room) For the record (and those not in the know), tulips are my favourite flowers, and pink/purple are my favourite colors. I have friends of many years who couldn't tell you that, but The Drummer (after just 1 month!!) got it spot on. It wasn't the gesture that converted me - it was his knowledge of me and his desire to show how much he cares about me by getting it right for *me*

Maybe Valentines Day isn't about subscribing to commercialism, its not about gifts, but is a day of the year set aside in our hectically busy lives to remind people to tell their other halves how they feel. Its not actually just one day out of 365 - you can be sure that the memories of this our first Valentines Day will last much longer than the flowers and chocolates - even from the other side of the Atlantic, he made me feel like a Princess. And that, as far as I'm concerned, is worth all the commercialism. If he's not careful, I'm going to fall in love with him.

Love, etc.
xx

I'm right here...

2009-02-15T19:50:00.003Z

I'll be honest - I wasn't paying attention to the sermon this morning. I had a million and one things flying through my (very sleepy) brain and I just couldn't persuade my brain to pay attention to a sermon based on a reading from Job.

I did manage, however, to listen to his last example, which I assume summed up his whole sermon in 2 minutes (seriously...why do preachers do that?!) It was basically a story which ran as follows:

There was once this rehearsal of Hadyn's oratorio "The Creation" where the conductor decided that having the actor singing the part of God would do better singing from one of the balconies to give the effect of a voice from the heavens. By the time he'd trekked around back stage along corridors and up and down stairs to get to said balcony and realise that he couldn't see the conductor nor hear the orchestra properly, the rehearsal was running late and they pressed on. Eventually, he was so out of time and missing so many cues that the conductor was beginning to lose patience, "God? Where are you?" "What is the hold up God?" "GOD...WHY ARE YOU NOT RESPONDING TO YOUR CUE?" and the like. Much to the amusement of all who were watching the rehearsal. The actor decided eventually that enough was enough and traipsed all the way back down, through backstage and round back out in to the auditorium just as the conductor finally lost the plot... "GOD?!?! WHERE ARE YOU?!? WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME?!? ARE YOU EVEN THERE?!?!" and the actor playing God stepped forward, put his hand on the conductors arm, saying "I'm right here"

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out what his point was by telling that story (apart from diva-esque nature of most conductors...) but maybe its something that we could do with being reminded of now and again. Sometimes He's not as far away as you might think.

Love, etc.
xx

p.s. And before you all get concerned about the million and one things flying through my brain, once I've organised a few of them into coherent thoughts, I'll blog again. Worry not my loves, all is well. I promise.
xx